I think it is easier to get over somebody if they actually die...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Jan 12, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    than if they cut you off.

    Isn't that terrible? I don't want anyone to die. This was just something I read and I agree with it.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That's why they say kids handle the death of a parent better than divorce.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Yep, unless it is suicide or OD when you have no logical reasoning to help you handle it. When someone dies from natural causes or a car wreck it is easier to handle. When they commit suicide or OD it seems like they left you intentionally.

    When they walk away you still know they are out there and you are just left to wonder.
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I think it's probably true. Especially if they cut you off completely and you don't know where they are or what they're doing, if they are alive and well or ... not. That would be extremely hard to deal with.
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I absolutely agree. I was very close to both of my parents, my mom has been gone 16 years and my dad 5. I still miss them but with their deaths I had closure. With my difficult child I have gone through much of the same grieving process but there is no closure as he continues to "pop" up in my life, but only when he wants something. One of the hardest aspects of this is if my difficult child were to die I may never know.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It's true. The relationship is all that it ever will be at that point. It can't get better, it can't get worse, and no one can shame you because you don't visit or call.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I did not wish my mother to get a horrible disease like brain cancer and die. I would never wish that on anybody, even somebody I hated...and sometimes I hated her. But love/hate are close, aren't they? At any rate, I wouldn't wish that on ANYBODY.

    But once she did pass, it was easier for me. Again, that does not mean I ever wished bad on her or anyone. But life happens and death happens without our wishing it. When she died, I no longer had to think about what I may have done wrong anymore. And I don't.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sadly, I have to agree. There is no closure. You're left hanging out there. There are just some things in life that are very hard to accept and that's gotta be right up there. And, yet, all we CAN do is accept it.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes, they can. My father, of all people (she'd divorced and hated him), would chide me for not visiting my mother near the end, when she didn't even know me anymore and had been vile to me most of my life.
    I was sorry she died a terrible death, but I couldn't make it better. When she had a supposedly benign brain tumor eight years before the brain cancer, she had told EVERYONE not to let me know about it. My interpretation after finding out way later is that she hated me so much she wouldn't want me there. I did not make a last minute visit to her at the end either, as we had no relationship. I could have been Sally on the street, rather than a child she gave birth to. I didn't go. I did attend the funeral, mostly to support those who were sad about it. I tried to feel sad, but I couldn't. It felt like a stranger. My sister had insisted on an open coffin, although she was Jewish to the end and they don't do that. So I got to see her. I did not recognize her. She had been young when I'd seen her last and that was by her own choice.
    Now that she is gone, she still has caused problems from the grave and feelings about her life have fueled animosity toward me and my siblings. So we are now no contact, and that is ok too. Both of them were major triggers for me as they felt Mom was swell. I don't care that they thought so, but it was a trigger for me.
    Death isn't always the closure you need, but it has made my life better. Do I feel guilty about that? No. She was the one who rebuffed all my efforts to reach out and even apologize for things I didn't do, just because SHE thought I did them, and I wanted peace. She died of natural causes and I didn't have anything to do with it.
    I don't worry about the "what ifs" anymore. So I guess that in itself is closure.
  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    We no longer have to be cruel, when someone has passed. We don't have to set boundaries or put them on the streets or protect ourselves from our vulnerability to them.

    So we can love them.

    We can begin to put the story back together in a way that makes sense to us.

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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Cedar, you are altruistic in a way I wish I could be. Your heart is so full of love.

    I do not love my mother. She has hurt me too much and had withdrawn herself for so long that I didn't even know her when she died.

    Maybe I'm just a cold person. I know I'm not toward those I love, but should I love those who abused me too? I try, but I can't.

    I find "forgiveness" useless if the other person isn't remorseful or sorry. And in a way I believe it's sort of a religious term that belongs to a belief system I am not a part of.

    But I sure admire your wonderful heart...you are an angel. I am honored to "know" you.

    One thing I can sigh with relief about...the circus is over and I don't hate any more than I love. At least I pretty much don't feel anything. It's like my emotions toward her are frozen.
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's such a personal thing. My bio-father sexually abused me from age 2 to 7. He died when I was 13. I don't know if he was remorseful for what he did to me and my sisters and others (we found out about years later) I had to forgive him for me, so that I could let go of the anger and move on with my life. Do I love him, I would say not really. I am a Christian and I am called to love others and I struggle with that. I have a love for him as without him I would not exist and even though I have survived much pain in my life I really do love my life. Don't know if that makes any sense but it works for me.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It makes sense to me, Tanya. We just think differently. One isn't worse or better than the other.

    To me, my mom was my womb. Other than that, she did not care for me. Abortion was illegal back then. One thing she used to tell me was, "When I was pregnant, I didn't feel anything, but all my friends told me I'd love you once I held you. But when I did, I still felt nothing, absolutely nothing." So, yeah, she gave me life and I struggled but I do love my life.

    On the other hand, dogs breed. So do lower forms of life. It's not an art and she didn't pick ME out to have as her child and she certainly made it clear she was unhappy with me.

    I moved on without forgiveness. I just put the past where it belongs, in the past. NOBODY can affect me unless I allow it. I take that responsibility on myself. I know if I'd been sexually abused, I would hope to meet that person in the next life (I believe in this) and deal with it then. I would not try to fight my feelings on earth about it. I do believe in karma and if it doesn't happen here, to me, in my belief system, it happens later.

    In my belief system we are here to learn to love other people. It's all about love. But I do believe my higher power will understand certain people. I'll see.

    We both did what we needed to do to move on. And I'm so happy for you that you were able to do so and I'm happy for me too.WE MADE IT!
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I can forgive those who feel no remorse, even those who set out to harm me. In those situations my forgiveness does not give them further access to my life, it just releases us from the chains that bind.

    I know without doubt that L continues to use lies about me to get what she wants from people who don't know me - especially her husband, and my father before he died. That's too bad so sad for them. I don't anticipate ever seeing those people again. In reality it doesn't matter to me. I'd be happy to clarify it for her husband if he ever reached out, but in my own way I have forgiven L. But I will never put myself in her reach again.
  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Yes we did MWM, yes we did!!
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  16. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more. In my case my daughter does everything she can do to hurt you so she can prove herself right that you were going to abandon her. Some people have abandonment issues where they are so afraid that someone will abandon them that they create painful situations that lead to no choice but to abandon.
    I love my daughter but to be around her is to be used and abused by her, therefore I can not be around her. It's not the same reason for everyone - but there are legitimate reasons beyond hate that people choose NC.