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I think it's time to cut off all ties to my oldest...but scared to do so...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 742067" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>This is how it worked for us.</p><p></p><p>Backstory is we had adopted R. at age 11 and he seemed perfect to us (and to many foster parents before us). No complaints. Not one foster parent knew he was sexually abusing their littles although he admitted it all once he was in lockup residential. My two littles had been our beloved kids since very early on. All were adopted so this is not about adoption.</p><p></p><p>We loved R. But love takes time and we did not feel as attached to him as we did to Jumper and Sonic. He was with us from 11-13. </p><p></p><p>Once we were blown away by what R. had done under our noses, besides feeling stupid and guilty we were both on the same page. Without any wavering between us, both of us knew we could never parent R. again and did not want him in our home. We both wanted to put our focus on the littles. Period. We took every ounce of help CPS gave us for free and paid for some ourselves and somehow created a stronger bond than ever between us and our two young ones, a close, loving bond we four still have. There was no ambiguity between my husband and I. We helped one another and nobody else really knew what happened. We got through it together. </p><p></p><p>There was the big factor that neither of us was any longer loving R. We knew his past had caused it, but we did not feel we were able to ever get past what he did to even support him from afar. </p><p></p><p>We healed well with help and again are very tight. I truly fo not think it would have gone so well if we had kept R. in the background. I dont know how that would work for you. Your situation is different.</p><p></p><p>I think being on the same page as your spouse and leaning into each other helps very much. And focusing on healing the kids. Now where Oldest comes in I cant say. We never saw R. again. We called the police then CPS and told them to take him. We were lucky that he confessed. He could have turned it on us and said WE abused HIM or any other story, but he was fortunately too freaked out to lie.</p><p></p><p>Time takes care of a lot. Time is magical.</p><p></p><p>I send you all my prayers and good wishes. Everyone handles hard times differently but if you have a higher power, lean on Higher Power too!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 742067, member: 1550"] This is how it worked for us. Backstory is we had adopted R. at age 11 and he seemed perfect to us (and to many foster parents before us). No complaints. Not one foster parent knew he was sexually abusing their littles although he admitted it all once he was in lockup residential. My two littles had been our beloved kids since very early on. All were adopted so this is not about adoption. We loved R. But love takes time and we did not feel as attached to him as we did to Jumper and Sonic. He was with us from 11-13. Once we were blown away by what R. had done under our noses, besides feeling stupid and guilty we were both on the same page. Without any wavering between us, both of us knew we could never parent R. again and did not want him in our home. We both wanted to put our focus on the littles. Period. We took every ounce of help CPS gave us for free and paid for some ourselves and somehow created a stronger bond than ever between us and our two young ones, a close, loving bond we four still have. There was no ambiguity between my husband and I. We helped one another and nobody else really knew what happened. We got through it together. There was the big factor that neither of us was any longer loving R. We knew his past had caused it, but we did not feel we were able to ever get past what he did to even support him from afar. We healed well with help and again are very tight. I truly fo not think it would have gone so well if we had kept R. in the background. I dont know how that would work for you. Your situation is different. I think being on the same page as your spouse and leaning into each other helps very much. And focusing on healing the kids. Now where Oldest comes in I cant say. We never saw R. again. We called the police then CPS and told them to take him. We were lucky that he confessed. He could have turned it on us and said WE abused HIM or any other story, but he was fortunately too freaked out to lie. Time takes care of a lot. Time is magical. I send you all my prayers and good wishes. Everyone handles hard times differently but if you have a higher power, lean on Higher Power too! [/QUOTE]
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I think it's time to cut off all ties to my oldest...but scared to do so...
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