Marguerite
Active Member
I'm posting this here because technically it's not about a difficult child of mine. Nevertheless, I do think it's definitely difficult child material.
I'll try to be brief - I get home help through an agency which supplies home help support to families affected by disability. I get it mostly for my own problems. I'm supposed to get help with housework, with some cooking tasks, hanging out the washing - that sort of thing. I usually potter along beside the person because that way we get a lot more work done - I do what I can do, they fill in the extra bits. The agency is currently struggling to find people to meet the demand.
My current home help is a bloke I've known for years. Small village - you get to know people well. He goes to the new fundamentalist independent church in the village, so does his wife. He is a bit of a hippy; she is a real tubthumper. Together they've done some good things for other people, primarily in terms of raising awareness for environmental issues and Third World problems. She's the organiser, he is the dreamer, who dreams of a better world.
However, he is also unstable. There have been times he's been giving me a hard time because I don't always agree with his fundamentalist views (he's not supposed to evangelise on the job; doesn't stop him) and has called me a heretic a few times. I've mentioned elsewhere about people concerned about easy child 2/difficult child 2's reputation as a dabbler in witchcraft (she isn't, but allowed the rumour to circulate because it kept the nuisance boys away from her). He is one of them - when easy child 2/difficult child 2 was watching "Charmed" DVDs (from the TV series) I thought he was going to refuse to work for me while the DVD was on, he was in such a state over me letting her watch it. As I told him at the time - she is an adult, it's a TV show, if I tell her to stop, she will only go and watch it in secrecy which will remove my chance to discuss it with her and demystify it all.
I get the feeling that he 'gets off' on having a crisis, something to be upset about. The pastor of his church DEFINITELY does this - she's what I call a spiritual junkie, in the same way that people who over-exercise are endorphin junkies. It's as if she has to create a spiritual crisis in order to feel as if she has some purpose, and I feel my friend is vulnerable to this, it does him harm.
I suspect he's bipolar. In fact, I'm sure of it. But I think there is more.
Lately he's changed. Just before Christmas difficult child 1 saw him in the city being escorted by police. My friend had told me that he was going into the city that day, to attend a conference for counsellors (yes, he does volunteer work as a counsellor). Next day was my cleaning day and difficult child 1 answered the door for him, asking him about the incident with the police.
He immediately told us he'd been arrested for what amounts to indecent exposure [caught on CCTV, I suspect]. He gave us the details, matter-of-fact. I had the impression he was expecting, almost wanting, a shock-horror reaction from us, so I carefully didn't react. Instead, we just got on with the chores together. Apart from me saying, "Well that was a silly thing to do," I didn't want to go there. But he has been very depressed - "I'm going to lose my job, my marriage is over, my life is a mess, I don't know what I believe any more, I've really made a mess of things."
OK, I could imagine his wife's reaction - it wouldn't be pretty.
Since then he's been alternating between self-flagellation "I'm a worthless person, I'm so miserable," and seeming quite cheerful. I've not heard even a whisper about any of this in local gossip, so it seems neither he nor his wife have said anything to anyone (except maybe their pastor).
Today was downright weird. He arrived, immediately said something like, "I'm coming round to your way of thinking, but I have to disagree with you about alcohol, caffeine and drugs. I think you're far too rigid on those topics." That was the first thing he said after "good morning."
I reminded him - "abstaining from alcohol, caffeine and drugs - that's MY choice, for health reasons that apply to me. I'm not telling other people what to do." And he has often got the wrong idea about what I've said in other ways too, as if he only hears what he wants to.
We chatted about things in general, I tried to keep the conversation totally away from personal issues. A couple of times he said something like, "I think all life's problems can be solved with a flagon of wine and a few puffs of pot." I ignored it.
He seemed to be happy, and agreeing with me, adding in his own comments, then he suddenly said, "I feel awful, I feel really ill now. I don't think I can work - I'm so miserable." Then he burst out with, "I don't want you to die, simply because you have wrong beliefs."
He was in tears, apparently struggling to control his emotions.
Then his mood seemed to change again, he seemed happy again, and set off on the next chore. he did say, "I'd better keep moving along with work, I don't want you ringing the agency and telling them I was talking weird stuff."
I've been feeling increasingly nervous around him since the revelation over the obscene behaviour charges. I haven't dared ask him how that's going, I don't want to 'feed' what I feel is a very unhealthy obsession with himself and with shaming himself. But I'm concerned about his stability (or increasing apparent lack of it).
If I called the agency, I don't know what would happen. They ARE short-handed, if the agency drops him then a lot of people simply won't get service (including mother in law). And if the charges go ahead he will get dropped anyway, since I don't think he can escape a guilty verdict and this will get him listed on the sex offenders register and instantly ineligible for the job he's currently doing.
He isn't the greatest at the job, but he IS better than nothing. Just.
What makes me most uncomfortable, is that I usually don't let people I know locally get this close to me and part of what has happened is he knows far more about my health issues and other things than I feel safe with. My medications, for example, are something I don't talk about even with close friends. But as part of helping me, he has HAD to know more about me and my personal issues. He is bound by rules of confidentiality, but he's clearly not too closely bound by rules, given his recent behaviour. I have never told him what medications I take, but he has access to everything, including the medicine cabinet. In the interests of confessing his soul (which I think he really gets off on) I worry about what he might divulge.
I feel vulnerable, in other words. And after today I'm increasingly nervous about innocently saying the wrong thing to him - it seemed something I said today (and I wish I knew what) has triggered this weird change in him, and yet he was at least aware that he was reacting inappropriately.
Does this ring alarm bells with anybody else? Or am I just being paranoid? Is he just being a drama queen, or should I be really concerned?
Marg
I'll try to be brief - I get home help through an agency which supplies home help support to families affected by disability. I get it mostly for my own problems. I'm supposed to get help with housework, with some cooking tasks, hanging out the washing - that sort of thing. I usually potter along beside the person because that way we get a lot more work done - I do what I can do, they fill in the extra bits. The agency is currently struggling to find people to meet the demand.
My current home help is a bloke I've known for years. Small village - you get to know people well. He goes to the new fundamentalist independent church in the village, so does his wife. He is a bit of a hippy; she is a real tubthumper. Together they've done some good things for other people, primarily in terms of raising awareness for environmental issues and Third World problems. She's the organiser, he is the dreamer, who dreams of a better world.
However, he is also unstable. There have been times he's been giving me a hard time because I don't always agree with his fundamentalist views (he's not supposed to evangelise on the job; doesn't stop him) and has called me a heretic a few times. I've mentioned elsewhere about people concerned about easy child 2/difficult child 2's reputation as a dabbler in witchcraft (she isn't, but allowed the rumour to circulate because it kept the nuisance boys away from her). He is one of them - when easy child 2/difficult child 2 was watching "Charmed" DVDs (from the TV series) I thought he was going to refuse to work for me while the DVD was on, he was in such a state over me letting her watch it. As I told him at the time - she is an adult, it's a TV show, if I tell her to stop, she will only go and watch it in secrecy which will remove my chance to discuss it with her and demystify it all.
I get the feeling that he 'gets off' on having a crisis, something to be upset about. The pastor of his church DEFINITELY does this - she's what I call a spiritual junkie, in the same way that people who over-exercise are endorphin junkies. It's as if she has to create a spiritual crisis in order to feel as if she has some purpose, and I feel my friend is vulnerable to this, it does him harm.
I suspect he's bipolar. In fact, I'm sure of it. But I think there is more.
Lately he's changed. Just before Christmas difficult child 1 saw him in the city being escorted by police. My friend had told me that he was going into the city that day, to attend a conference for counsellors (yes, he does volunteer work as a counsellor). Next day was my cleaning day and difficult child 1 answered the door for him, asking him about the incident with the police.
He immediately told us he'd been arrested for what amounts to indecent exposure [caught on CCTV, I suspect]. He gave us the details, matter-of-fact. I had the impression he was expecting, almost wanting, a shock-horror reaction from us, so I carefully didn't react. Instead, we just got on with the chores together. Apart from me saying, "Well that was a silly thing to do," I didn't want to go there. But he has been very depressed - "I'm going to lose my job, my marriage is over, my life is a mess, I don't know what I believe any more, I've really made a mess of things."
OK, I could imagine his wife's reaction - it wouldn't be pretty.
Since then he's been alternating between self-flagellation "I'm a worthless person, I'm so miserable," and seeming quite cheerful. I've not heard even a whisper about any of this in local gossip, so it seems neither he nor his wife have said anything to anyone (except maybe their pastor).
Today was downright weird. He arrived, immediately said something like, "I'm coming round to your way of thinking, but I have to disagree with you about alcohol, caffeine and drugs. I think you're far too rigid on those topics." That was the first thing he said after "good morning."
I reminded him - "abstaining from alcohol, caffeine and drugs - that's MY choice, for health reasons that apply to me. I'm not telling other people what to do." And he has often got the wrong idea about what I've said in other ways too, as if he only hears what he wants to.
We chatted about things in general, I tried to keep the conversation totally away from personal issues. A couple of times he said something like, "I think all life's problems can be solved with a flagon of wine and a few puffs of pot." I ignored it.
He seemed to be happy, and agreeing with me, adding in his own comments, then he suddenly said, "I feel awful, I feel really ill now. I don't think I can work - I'm so miserable." Then he burst out with, "I don't want you to die, simply because you have wrong beliefs."
He was in tears, apparently struggling to control his emotions.
Then his mood seemed to change again, he seemed happy again, and set off on the next chore. he did say, "I'd better keep moving along with work, I don't want you ringing the agency and telling them I was talking weird stuff."
I've been feeling increasingly nervous around him since the revelation over the obscene behaviour charges. I haven't dared ask him how that's going, I don't want to 'feed' what I feel is a very unhealthy obsession with himself and with shaming himself. But I'm concerned about his stability (or increasing apparent lack of it).
If I called the agency, I don't know what would happen. They ARE short-handed, if the agency drops him then a lot of people simply won't get service (including mother in law). And if the charges go ahead he will get dropped anyway, since I don't think he can escape a guilty verdict and this will get him listed on the sex offenders register and instantly ineligible for the job he's currently doing.
He isn't the greatest at the job, but he IS better than nothing. Just.
What makes me most uncomfortable, is that I usually don't let people I know locally get this close to me and part of what has happened is he knows far more about my health issues and other things than I feel safe with. My medications, for example, are something I don't talk about even with close friends. But as part of helping me, he has HAD to know more about me and my personal issues. He is bound by rules of confidentiality, but he's clearly not too closely bound by rules, given his recent behaviour. I have never told him what medications I take, but he has access to everything, including the medicine cabinet. In the interests of confessing his soul (which I think he really gets off on) I worry about what he might divulge.
I feel vulnerable, in other words. And after today I'm increasingly nervous about innocently saying the wrong thing to him - it seemed something I said today (and I wish I knew what) has triggered this weird change in him, and yet he was at least aware that he was reacting inappropriately.
Does this ring alarm bells with anybody else? Or am I just being paranoid? Is he just being a drama queen, or should I be really concerned?
Marg
