I think that respite this past weekend

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Nov 18, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    for kt could have been a "tad" longer.

    My daughter stood in my kitchen yesterday afternoon & proceeded to inform me how crappy my marriage was & why.

    This statement was beyond all I could take ~ I blasted the young lady.

    "How dare you judge me & my 20 years of marriage - how dare you? You're 14, have a great deal to learn of relationships & you have absolutely no right to comment on my marriage. None!"

    I proceeded to ask kt just how many months we've gone with-o some kind of crisis in this family over the last 7 years. "I can tell you kt, I have it in a journal." "How often have husband & I had any significant break from crisis/behaviors/emotional breakdowns/antics?" My kt shrugged her shoulders & at least bowed her head in shame.

    "How many couple do you think survive this type & level of stress?"

    As parents, we love you unconditionally. We have adopted & parented you through the good (not much) & the bad. We have spent countless hours teaching, finding you all the help we could possibly find & in the process losing track of ourselves.

    You will not stand there in your 14 y/o know it all attitude & judge husband & myself.

    Okay, ladies, I'm not proud of myself. I don't care anymore ~ I've taken enough from all sides.

    I just don't want to do this anymore.

  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    You have nothing to be ashamed of.
    KT overstepped the boundaries and went WAY too far.
    You told her in no uncertain terms that her statement was unacceptable, and WHY it was unacceptable. And you used clear, and sensitive language in which to do so.
    KT seems to have understood.

    Mission accomplished, I think.

    Sending hugs.
  3. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    in my humble opinion, you have absolutely no reason to feel badly about what you said to kt!!! She was way, way over the top in what she said to you. I believe that it doesn't hurt for her to get a dose of reality - She needs to understand how out of line she was!!!

    easy child is 14 too. I think this is a horrible age!!! easy child has that "14 yr old know it all attitude" too. It STINKS!!! I know this isn't going to make you feel any better, but I think some of kt's behavior is that of a "typical teen."

    I think you handled the situation well. I think if easy child said what kt said to you, I would have EXPLODED:angry-very:...

    No words of wisdom, just sending hugs your way... WFEN
  4. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Linda, it sounds like pretty common teen girl mentality. They are learning about relationships by watching the sort of marriage in their family. Add to it the fact that teen girl's think they know everything and the behavior like Kt's seems typical. It's not personal. It's part of the learning about life.
    After she has been married for 20yrs she can come back and evaluate your marriage. She hasn't walked in your shoes but as a teen girl they don't think they have to in order to be a critic.
    I can remember thinking similar thoughts about my parents. We seldom said those things to our mother's but I'm sure I got a few hurtful sentences out in a teen rage.
    Sorry it got to you on a bad day.
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Linda! Bravo! Don't you love it when they're the one's that cause the stress and the issues, yet they know better than ANYBODY the right way a marriage should be?

    Listen, with everything you've been and still are going through, it's no wonder you want to pack up your toys and go home! Actually, I think there are quite a few of us on the boards lately who've been feeling the same way.

    in my humble opinion, you simply set boundaries. There are things that she needs to shut her trap about. The best part is that you were 100% clear about those boundaries and what lines were being crossed. There is absolutely NO question as to whether or not she will be allowed to discuss your relationship with husband. Nope. No uncertainty there!

    How's it feel to be a Warrior Mom and now a Warrior Wife? ;)

    Nicely done!

  6. Linda,

    I'm sending a big hug your way (((((((!))))))).

    You are an awesome Mom and the Tweedles are so incredibly blessed to have you. Please know this to be true and stay centered.

    Teens have so much erratic energy that they can spin out of control and knock us out of our orbits as well. I constantly find myself inching back towards my center. Sigh.
  7. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    ((HUGS)) I agree, don't feel bad about it. It sounded well thought out and grounded. If it were me, I'd probably be on the floor in the fetal position crying....
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I"m so sorry i'm late to this. I've been there also, it is a teenager thing and their thinking they have a right to judge us when they themselves have absolutely no clue!!

    You handled it well, i would of planted as well and i have in my own home. 20 years is an accomplishment that under all that stress and burden you are together, yet you already know that.

    I Hope your planting her taught her a lesson. It can be so so frustrating at times, their appreciation level is almost null. ugh!

    ((( hugs))))
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh the pain these kids can inflict! Your post put tears in my eyes. But I fully think you had every right. Our TDOC1 told husband and I a couple years ago that she thought we would not make it! That was the the first meeting. She was merely going on stats.
    Whether we do or not, has nothing to do with the sacrifices we as parents have already made.
    You have done so much for those kids. Yes by choice, but so much more than most.
    It has to break your spirit at times and tear you down when you hear things like this.
    Make you want to just, well, say what you did!
    She is a very lucky girl that you and husband rescued her.
    Teens are PITAS. She is a very special needs PITA.
    Big high five to you Linda. And a big hug
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending big HUGS and KUDOS to you!

    You told her - clearly and promptly - that she has NO right to judge you. NO right at all. And you were 100% ON TARGET.

    You set boundaries. You asserted your Alpha Female status in your own little wolf pack. It is important to do.

    You didn't backhand her, toss her into a wall, kick her out of the house, or otherwise maim her. More than many of us got when we were growing up and being judgemental snots to our own moms. You, being You, probably didn't even hurt her feelings much.

    I am proud of you for continueing to parent her despite all the challenges of your own health crisis, and for setting clear and definite boundaries - so many many parents seem to have no idea how to do that.

    I am also proud that you and husband have kept a marriage together for so long during the armed combat known as raising difficult children. So few can. I think the average length a couple with a child with a mental health diagnosis lasts is something like 4 years, or so one therapist we worked with had in a book she showed me. So 20 is just incredible!!!!!


  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Why not Linda? I don't see where you did anything wrong, and did eveyrthing right.
    You GO!
    Quit being so hard on yourself.
    It's YOUR house and you are entitled to your emotions.
    Kt doesn't own all the emotions in the house.
    I hope she's scrubbing your floors right now.
    (Sorry if I sound harsh; you can see what I've been going through with-my difficult child on another thread and then you'll see I'm in the same mindset you are.:) )
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    It seems to me you explained things very clearly. You set boundaries, you didn't knock her across the room. Please don't be hard on yourself. Sending many hugs.
  13. Mayapple5

    Mayapple5 New Member

    ((((hugs)))) I'm wondering if kt hugged you any time soon after that. You should be proud of yourself (and husband for that matter)for saying what you said the way you said it. Firmly and no fluff! She got the message by the way she reacted (hanging her head) She should now respect you more! I hope so. good luck with this one.
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Linda -

    I think you handled this perfectly. You told her exactly what she needed to hear and you continued to express your unconditional love for her. In doing so, you showed her a healthy family - that despite all the obstacles and stressors in your life and marriage neither you nor husband have throw in the towel. And neither have you stopped advocating for you child.

    I'm glad that she seemed to react appropriately (hanging her head in shame), but I also think you reaffirmed what it is to be a family.

  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others, I think you handled it beautifully. Teen girls-honestly!
  16. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Typical teen, if we are taking a poll.....my vote goes with kt was being a typical teen.
    Until the start of this month I had 3 teens of my own bio here (difficult child turned 20 start of November- but developmentally she is still a teen), and I also have 2 more....LOL--PCs boyfriend and sons best friend. and yes......what kt said was something that sounds very typical teen to me.
    It also sounds just about like what I said to my own mom, and to a couple aunts.....
    so far none of my neices or nephews could say similar becuz they are MUCH younger still.

    And yes, I, too have 20+ years in in this crazy life. I have aso had my fair share and more of people wanting to give me their opinions on MY marriage......
    Yes, my marriage has had some very hard rough times. Whew boy, with my husband diagnosis'es? you betchya! Add in MY own diagnosis'es? Yikes. Then toss in difficult child and easy child and our son? Lookout. Thats "Life" Thats what Life is about..getting thru those times. Oh yeah, baby, have we had the crisises. You name it, we had it. Yes, we had so many somedays, even crisis team sometimes had a hard time figureing out just which crisis to handle first. <shrug>
    Ya want sexually molested kids? ya want kids arrested for sexuall crimes? drugs? Drinking, smoking? You want adult spouses taken involuntarily to phosps? you want psychotic spouses released aginst your will from phosps?
    Mania? diassociative states? fight or flight major panic with disassociation, sure. It is all "in a days work" here.
    Sometimes I think it is the crisises that keep us together, LOL- who else would have us.

    Anyway......kids learn by saying things, by asking questions, even if they are dumb and stupid things. Kt saying what she did shows she is paying attention, shows she cares...shows she is aware. Shows she feels safe and comfy talking to you. The communication door is good to keep open. It is thru the ame door thta you can help her learn and grow, help guide her.
    Truth is some teens think there is some magic out there, some adult life where things always go good and right.....BUT no marriage that lasts any amount of time is going to be event free. No family is going to be without crisis. Even if there are no difficult children. This is a good time to begin teaching kt that. Help her learn that a marriage is a commitment to stay together even when things are not easy.
    I do not tell my kids to stay out of it.I do not tell them I know best. Yes, I have more experience than my kids do, if only becuz of my age. But I tend to view their concerns as a learning opportunity.....and as a display of concern for ME and MY well being. I also take the opportunity to remind my kids I myself am also only simply human, too. Maybe there were some things in my marriage I maybe could have handled differently. Maybe there were some parenting things I could have done differently. BUT this is MY life.....and I have been trying my best at it all along. Even I can still always learn..... and yes, sometimes I do learn from others who are younger than me......
    I do not take offense. I consider what is said, thank them for their concern......and if it is my kids? I try to see if there is an underlying reason for their concern of the moment.

    Sounds like you handled it OK....I hope you can relax. Sounds like kt is experimenting with her knowledge and growth and sense of belonging. Like she is trying to get a handle on family dynamics?

    I remind my kids that sure maybe sometimes me and husband have hard times etc.BUT we made a commitment.for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health and in our house, poorer definetly came to be, and so did sickness. BUT we promised before God.....in our wedding, anyway.....and we plan to hold to our vows. and noone is perfect. I am not. And my husband is not. and our kids are not. Thats just Life. Thats all. simple statement of fact. and like it or not right this minute, we ARE married, and all of us ARE family. THats all. Thats just how it is. and how it will be.

    good luck.

    and a hug, for your hurting mommy heart
  17. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thank you all ~ I was feeling like such a puke for responding to kt in such a reactive way. At least it wasn't hurtful.

    I feel as though I'm on my last nerve ~ that I belong in the psychiatric hospital. I know it's the tapering of the prednisone, but I feel as though I'm losing my mind. One minute I'm perfectly sane & the next you look at me cross eyed & I'm sobbing or insulted.

    This too shall pass.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh dear, tapering of prednisone, too?
    Well, all you can do is keep breathing.
    In a few wks you'll be better. Maybe even by Thanksgiving!