I think this is progress

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Aug 16, 2008.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    A few people (MM comes to mind) asked me if difficult child felt the appropriate remorse or the gravity of the situation with-the police being called.

    I thought, how do I figure it out? And then I came up with-the idea just to ask him like a survey.

    So we went out on the front steps. I said, "On a scale of 1-10, with-1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest and most important, where would you rate the police stopping by today?"


    Whew. You don't know how relieved I was to hear that!

    I asked him why he told the police the truth about the panties and not me or the dr. He said it was because police sort of expect different answers and know different things.

    I asked him how I would know whether he would do this in someone else's house and what he did to plan it. He said he didn't think at all. He said he watches COPS and he thinks those people (criminals) are stupid and he would never do anything like that, and then he went ahead and did it.

    So we talked about how if you want to go on a diet, you have to think ahead. You buy only healthy fruits and vegetables at the grocery store, and then you don't have junk around the house, so if you don't "think," you won't accidentally grab something and eat it because it simply won't be there. So I told him, "What would you think about so you wouldn't think about taking something from somebody else's house? Like, how to prepare yourself? Lots of people have electronic equipment, Ipods, ladies things, so what do you do?"

    He started to get angry and loud and said, "It wouldn't matter because I'd always be with someone! I'd always be with a friend! I won't go alone into other people's houses!"

    Well, we made some progress anyway ...
    He got one concept but is still missing the rest. :mad:;)

    I changed tactics a bit, and asked him if he thought his behavior was normal and he said no. I asked him if he understood why we've been having so many tests done. He said yes. I then told him we'd have to have more tests done because I wanted to speed up the process of figuring it out and having him work on his issues.

    He aked if it meant tests with-his psychiatric dr or blood tests, and I said more like psychiatric tests. He rolled his eyes but said he understood.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You did good! Stick to your plan- I'm a little worried how this is going to go after husband hear all the details. You mentioned before that half the test results are worthless- I thought that too when I had difficult child tested, however, I look at it differently now. Half his tests revealed that he had no problems in those areas, the other half revealed certain things that he was struggling with. There is no way to be sure what those areas are or to what degree difficult child is struggling without those test. So, now I think that none of them were a waste.

    I know many of us have had different experiences with the different types of professionals, and I think part of that has to do with the issues the child is having and what supports they need. But, this testing can help in many areas. If it turns out that it isn't Aspergers but indicates something else and a different type of professional needs to be consulted, the results will still be important.

    Personally, I think it might be a combination of things- including starting puberty on top of whatever underlying issue he already had. Listening to my difficult child talk about how hard being 11 yo was for him and a little about him experimenting with sexual "thoughts" leads me to believe that maybe helping your difficult child wouldn't be as stressful and difficult as getting to the bottom of the problem(s).

    Hang in there- we all know you are trying.

    PS There is a possibility that anytime now that sometone calls police for a suspicion of a break-in, a car being touched, something was stolen, etc., in your neighborhood, a policeman might come by to see if you knew where your difficult child was, if he's at home, and ask him some questions. Keep in mind too, even though they didn't arrest him, you can be sure that a report was filed at the police dept.

    PSS He's probably scared right now about feeling like something is wrong with him- it might not hurt to reassure him that your efforts with testing and getting him help are to prevent things and help him work on stuff, not because "there's something wrong with him"- JMHO!!
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2008
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    Terry I just read the posts about what happened last night. I don't really have anything new to add to what has been discussed. I think going for further testing is definitely the right move.

    As I've said before, the manster used to dress in girl's clothing. From the time he was about 6-8. He would dress up in costume and we would act out play scenes that we would make up. Also, he seemed to prefer female things, like pink and sparkly. I worried for a long time about this. I did a lot of research and even joined a site of parents of gender confused kids. My son was never to the extreme but I decided to encourage him to express himself however he wanted to, which is why I allowed the dressing up. Now, at almost 10 he gets mad if I bring this up. He tells me, I was just a baby then. Now his choice in clothing is all boy, kind of skater type, he looks like Zach and Cody only a little heavier. I still have the clothes though.

    I do realize panties are even more concerning than the clothes and this may be totally unrelated to your son's stuff, but it's along those lines of "omg, this is WIERD STUFF" and you just feel so scared and powerless. Your situation has the added element of illegal activity.

    I just know that you will find the resources to help difficult child. You are doing the very possible best for your son.


  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Klmno and ML. I can't tell my "regular" friends any of this because they won't understand. In fact, my husband doesn't understand. :(

    When difficult child told me "10," I gave him a great big hug. :)

    Tonight the two of us played "Battle of the Sexes." It's really stupid but it is perfect for his age (well, except for the old Hollywood questions.) It's mostly questions about sports or makeup. I won. :)
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think spending one-on-one time is a good idea. My difficult child told me tonight (and I never heard this from him before) that sometimes boys going into the "sex age" (meaning puberty) will do different stuff, but it is only experimenting. He didn't actually admit whatever he has done, but he said that sometimes boys need to figure out if they are homosexual or not and sometimes they do stuff just because it feels - then he stopped and said "I can't really tell you, you're my mom". And I said "ok".

    i wonder (and you certainly don't need to tell me the answer to this) if maybe your difficult child is just "experimenting" but is ultra-scared and defensive because maybe he does have underlying issues, which exaberates (sp) them and possibly he is scared of those feelings or thoughts because of how he thinks husband might handle it?
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    One thing I have tried to tell mine without much luck was to always ask himself before he did something was what he was about to do something he would be willing to tell his grandfather about. Now my dad is a very strict, straight-laced no nonsense kinda guy so I thought that would be the perfect person for him to keep in his mind. It didnt even give him a moments pause because Cory couldnt care less what anyone else thinks about what he does. However, most people do care. Maybe your son has someone in his life that he wouldnt want to disappoint.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good idea. I'll try that.
  8. Calgon_Take_Me_Away

    Calgon_Take_Me_Away New Member

    I thought having someone to account to besides parents would help too .... but it doesn't effect my difficult child.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'll ask him who he most admires. Maybe it will end up being a sports figure instead of a relative. :)