First of all, I searched all over the net for a messageboard where I could get some good advice on this situation, and am very happy I stumbled across your board, as it seems like a really great place to post and get advice. So here goes.
Im a single mother of a just 15 year old son, freshman in highschool. I have been the primary custodian since my divorce from his father for the past 10 years, of Conor and his brother who is two years younger. With this has come the responsibility of all schooling, transportation, sports, day to day living, etc. Their father at first saw them every other weekend, but over the last three years they don't even sleep at his house anymore, even though he lives 5 minutes away. The ex's priorities are his needs first, the kids second. He just never seems to have the time for them and when he does its always rushed. I dont mind doing things for my children, so I dont resent his behavior or my jobs as a mom, I do though feel sorry for the lack of a relationship they have with their dad at times. My older son gets along with him better, as they like the same things and if you enjoy what the ex enjoys then he'll do things with you as he would be doing them anyway. But only when the ex has the time. So basically, the kids are with my 95% of the time, and the parenting is my responsibility, always.
So to my point. The last few years the eldest has gotten very aggressive and mouthy with me. This started when he was in 8th grade, he is now in High School. First he'd smart talk me, as in rude replies, slamming doors, women are horrible drivers, why do you drive like that? etc. My response was to tell him if he slammed doors I would take them off their hinges, ie his bedroom, so that stopped. If he didn't like my driving he could take a bus, or not go where he wanted to go, etc. Well, reasoning didn't work, as soon after the curses started flying. As in you are a *****, you are a stupid woman, your food sucks, etc. He also started to do this in front of other people. So I grounded him, took away his computer, phone, etc. When I asked him why he wouldnt stop belittling me, he said he liked to see me get upset. So I told his father I'd like to get Conor into counseling, and the ex said I was the one who needed it because he didn't act like that with him, it must be me. Why am I not surprised at that response.
When all this kept escalating, I sent him to live with his father last Spring. It hit the last straw when he started mouthing off and cursing at me in front of the younger kids in the carpool I am part of for school. Those kids were his brother and a few schoolmates of his brothers. That night I went home and told him since he didn't respect me or the home I provided, he could go live with his dad. He cursed at me, and I basically threw him out. He was behaving a lot worse than I have described, with the daily "*****"" comments and angry disrespectful behavior.
Well, that lasted all of 4 days and he wanted to come home. I told him there were rules and if he wanted to live with me then he had to follow them, such as controlling his temper and respecting the rules of the house. Like in bed by 11 on school nights, chores, controlling his temper, etc.
Fast forward to now. Back to the same old behavior only worse. Now he calls me a loser, pathetic, a ***** on and on. When I reached out to his father again to get him in counseling, same old response as before, ie its not my problem he doesnt act like that with me, you deal with it. It must be nice not to have raise your own kids I guess, or live in la la land because the half a day you spend with them once a week is like Disneyland.
Last week once again, after weeks and weeks of this behavior, Conor yelled or rather screamed at me in the High School parking lot because he didn't like where I parked the car and that I wasn't there exactly when he wanted me to be (spoiled brat behavior to the extreme). This and the subsequent cursing at me in the car after he got in, and I lost it. I just can't take it anymore. I said some things I regret, as I think at that point I had just had enough. And then I threw him out, told him that when he got home he was gone. He called his father who came to pick him up and I didn't say another word to him. Basically told him to get the hell out and he was never coming back here because of the way he treated myself and his brother (he constantly harasses his little brother and calls him a faggot and the youngest is reduced to tears by the constant insults at his older brothers hand.
So that is where we are. The ex of course calls me the day after I sent the son to his house, saying I need to take him back, etc. To which I said why cant he live with you? And he replies "of course he can I would love to have him here" (translation, Im going to pretend its ok because I like to act like father of the year, but can you still drive him to and from school, all his activities, and make him dinner a few nights a week.. oh and on weekends when I go out both nights he can stay with you right, like you did last Spring?). Then he goes on to say that in a few years he will be grown up and you will regret not having this time with him, and he will be gone. That Conor is a great kid and I am the only one who seems to have this problem with him. So I replied, me and his other son you mean, you know the ones who live with him most of the time and are apparently the pounding boards for all of the older sons anger. Then I said that if they get along so great he should live with him, as this home life right now isn't suitable for myself, the youngest, and obviously the oldest. So the ex starts yelling at me and I hung up. I sent an email instead as obviously we couldn't communicate on the phone without him starting to yell when he doesn't get his way. Sounds familiar sadly, doesn't it?
In the email I told the ex that from now on the eldest was his responsibility, for doctors, orthodontist, rides, all of it. I was done. And until Conor gets into some counseling to manage his anger, and can learn to respect and live with his brother and i without the constant turmoil and name calling and physical threats, he is not welcome back here. The ex called, said he wanted to talk about this again, and when I said there is nothing to talk about he started screaming again. So I hung up.
I know Conor doesn't like living with this father or he would spend more time there. His father can barely do his own laundry, never cooks, its constant take out, etc. If it was his choice, he would always live here and never sleep over at his dads house. It isn't like he has it bad there though, its twice the size of my house. But I felt like I was at the end of my rope and couldn't take it anymore. it was actually depressing me, the constant behavior and belittling and anger and disrespect. I feel like I had no more choices, and there was nothing else I could do.
So now he is over there and angry as hell at me. I haven't talked to him since last week except to call last night and see if he needed any of this clothes for school, to which he was angry and mouthy and basically hung up on me. I hung up that phone last night and decided never to call my son again at this point. He is on his own with his father.
I feel terribly guilty for sending him over there, I know he hates it. But part of me thinks maybe he hates it here, or hates me, and so he is better off there. I know teens are mouthy, but not to this extent. I can't remember the last time he was nice to his brother, or thanked me for anything I have done for him. And I am not the kind who wants a thank you for everything I do, but when everything you do do, results in a put down or derogatory comment by a 15 year old child, you get to the point as an adult that you yourself can't take it anymore.
I feel guilty, but I don't think I had a choice. Of course Im really sad, as I miss him even though he was a complete brat and any contact he had with us here was not good most of the time. I sit and wonder what I did wrong, why he turned out this way? Im not thinking, woes me why did this happen to me, etc. The entire situation just makes me sad really.
I guess Im asking, do you think I did the right thing? Do you think this child will be better off with his father? His father won't get him counseling, and I dont know if there is anything I can do about that. I just didn't know what else to do.
Sorry so long, thanks for any advice you may have. And no, I do not have issues with the ex or his lack of parenting and I never nag him that he should spend more time with his kids, I realized years and years ago it is what it is. I have found that doing it on my own is fine with me, and I never get angry or cared that they don't sleep at their fathers anymore. I acutally have asked the kids if they wanted to spend more time with him and they just said no.
The ex can do whatever he wants with his time, and I had no problem providing a home for my kids or doing what I can for them. Just wanted to make that clear
Im a single mother of a just 15 year old son, freshman in highschool. I have been the primary custodian since my divorce from his father for the past 10 years, of Conor and his brother who is two years younger. With this has come the responsibility of all schooling, transportation, sports, day to day living, etc. Their father at first saw them every other weekend, but over the last three years they don't even sleep at his house anymore, even though he lives 5 minutes away. The ex's priorities are his needs first, the kids second. He just never seems to have the time for them and when he does its always rushed. I dont mind doing things for my children, so I dont resent his behavior or my jobs as a mom, I do though feel sorry for the lack of a relationship they have with their dad at times. My older son gets along with him better, as they like the same things and if you enjoy what the ex enjoys then he'll do things with you as he would be doing them anyway. But only when the ex has the time. So basically, the kids are with my 95% of the time, and the parenting is my responsibility, always.
So to my point. The last few years the eldest has gotten very aggressive and mouthy with me. This started when he was in 8th grade, he is now in High School. First he'd smart talk me, as in rude replies, slamming doors, women are horrible drivers, why do you drive like that? etc. My response was to tell him if he slammed doors I would take them off their hinges, ie his bedroom, so that stopped. If he didn't like my driving he could take a bus, or not go where he wanted to go, etc. Well, reasoning didn't work, as soon after the curses started flying. As in you are a *****, you are a stupid woman, your food sucks, etc. He also started to do this in front of other people. So I grounded him, took away his computer, phone, etc. When I asked him why he wouldnt stop belittling me, he said he liked to see me get upset. So I told his father I'd like to get Conor into counseling, and the ex said I was the one who needed it because he didn't act like that with him, it must be me. Why am I not surprised at that response.
When all this kept escalating, I sent him to live with his father last Spring. It hit the last straw when he started mouthing off and cursing at me in front of the younger kids in the carpool I am part of for school. Those kids were his brother and a few schoolmates of his brothers. That night I went home and told him since he didn't respect me or the home I provided, he could go live with his dad. He cursed at me, and I basically threw him out. He was behaving a lot worse than I have described, with the daily "*****"" comments and angry disrespectful behavior.
Well, that lasted all of 4 days and he wanted to come home. I told him there were rules and if he wanted to live with me then he had to follow them, such as controlling his temper and respecting the rules of the house. Like in bed by 11 on school nights, chores, controlling his temper, etc.
Fast forward to now. Back to the same old behavior only worse. Now he calls me a loser, pathetic, a ***** on and on. When I reached out to his father again to get him in counseling, same old response as before, ie its not my problem he doesnt act like that with me, you deal with it. It must be nice not to have raise your own kids I guess, or live in la la land because the half a day you spend with them once a week is like Disneyland.
Last week once again, after weeks and weeks of this behavior, Conor yelled or rather screamed at me in the High School parking lot because he didn't like where I parked the car and that I wasn't there exactly when he wanted me to be (spoiled brat behavior to the extreme). This and the subsequent cursing at me in the car after he got in, and I lost it. I just can't take it anymore. I said some things I regret, as I think at that point I had just had enough. And then I threw him out, told him that when he got home he was gone. He called his father who came to pick him up and I didn't say another word to him. Basically told him to get the hell out and he was never coming back here because of the way he treated myself and his brother (he constantly harasses his little brother and calls him a faggot and the youngest is reduced to tears by the constant insults at his older brothers hand.
So that is where we are. The ex of course calls me the day after I sent the son to his house, saying I need to take him back, etc. To which I said why cant he live with you? And he replies "of course he can I would love to have him here" (translation, Im going to pretend its ok because I like to act like father of the year, but can you still drive him to and from school, all his activities, and make him dinner a few nights a week.. oh and on weekends when I go out both nights he can stay with you right, like you did last Spring?). Then he goes on to say that in a few years he will be grown up and you will regret not having this time with him, and he will be gone. That Conor is a great kid and I am the only one who seems to have this problem with him. So I replied, me and his other son you mean, you know the ones who live with him most of the time and are apparently the pounding boards for all of the older sons anger. Then I said that if they get along so great he should live with him, as this home life right now isn't suitable for myself, the youngest, and obviously the oldest. So the ex starts yelling at me and I hung up. I sent an email instead as obviously we couldn't communicate on the phone without him starting to yell when he doesn't get his way. Sounds familiar sadly, doesn't it?
In the email I told the ex that from now on the eldest was his responsibility, for doctors, orthodontist, rides, all of it. I was done. And until Conor gets into some counseling to manage his anger, and can learn to respect and live with his brother and i without the constant turmoil and name calling and physical threats, he is not welcome back here. The ex called, said he wanted to talk about this again, and when I said there is nothing to talk about he started screaming again. So I hung up.
I know Conor doesn't like living with this father or he would spend more time there. His father can barely do his own laundry, never cooks, its constant take out, etc. If it was his choice, he would always live here and never sleep over at his dads house. It isn't like he has it bad there though, its twice the size of my house. But I felt like I was at the end of my rope and couldn't take it anymore. it was actually depressing me, the constant behavior and belittling and anger and disrespect. I feel like I had no more choices, and there was nothing else I could do.
So now he is over there and angry as hell at me. I haven't talked to him since last week except to call last night and see if he needed any of this clothes for school, to which he was angry and mouthy and basically hung up on me. I hung up that phone last night and decided never to call my son again at this point. He is on his own with his father.
I feel terribly guilty for sending him over there, I know he hates it. But part of me thinks maybe he hates it here, or hates me, and so he is better off there. I know teens are mouthy, but not to this extent. I can't remember the last time he was nice to his brother, or thanked me for anything I have done for him. And I am not the kind who wants a thank you for everything I do, but when everything you do do, results in a put down or derogatory comment by a 15 year old child, you get to the point as an adult that you yourself can't take it anymore.
I feel guilty, but I don't think I had a choice. Of course Im really sad, as I miss him even though he was a complete brat and any contact he had with us here was not good most of the time. I sit and wonder what I did wrong, why he turned out this way? Im not thinking, woes me why did this happen to me, etc. The entire situation just makes me sad really.
I guess Im asking, do you think I did the right thing? Do you think this child will be better off with his father? His father won't get him counseling, and I dont know if there is anything I can do about that. I just didn't know what else to do.
Sorry so long, thanks for any advice you may have. And no, I do not have issues with the ex or his lack of parenting and I never nag him that he should spend more time with his kids, I realized years and years ago it is what it is. I have found that doing it on my own is fine with me, and I never get angry or cared that they don't sleep at their fathers anymore. I acutally have asked the kids if they wanted to spend more time with him and they just said no.
The ex can do whatever he wants with his time, and I had no problem providing a home for my kids or doing what I can for them. Just wanted to make that clear
