I told her she has to move out by the end of month. I am heartsick.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Apr 13, 2013.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    If you don't know the backstory, read here:

    Last Thursday, I caught her in two pretty big lies (the story really does not matter). This morning, I told her - very calmly and (I hope and pray) in a loving manner, that I cannot live with someone I cannot trust. I love her, but I simply cannot live like this anymore and, as long as nothing changes here, nothing will change. She has until the end of the month to make other arrangements. I have no idea if Ossy will cave and take her in. He claims to have most of the same conditions as I but also said he told her she cannot come there unless she's been on medications for 4 weeks. I do know that I cannot control where she goes, but I do pray he'll take her. The alternative is so frightening.

    She gets this very scary, hard, heartlesss look whenever she's confronted, so that was pretty much her response. Silent anger.

    She left for a pre-planned shopping trip with Ossy's girlfriend's daughter. She's been gone for about six hours, so I'm sure she either went to Ossy's or is out with her friends.

    I am heartbroken that it has come to this. My parents never =- in a million years - would have told one of us we could not live with them . Of course, they never had difficult children, but I can't stop thinking about them today and wishing I had the oportunity to be the fantasy mom who exists in my head, instead of the tough-love mom who is my reality.

    Last edited: Apr 13, 2013
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh, Dash -

    I'm so sorry!
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dash, I am so sorry. I too have wished for that fantasy mom in my head , sigh, and yet it is not to be. It is a tough reality, but you reached your end point and it has to do with trust which of course, is a huge issue. I'm so sorry, I understand how frightening the alternative is to her living with her Dad...........and I have also seen that scary, heartless look too.............all I can do is send you caring hugs and my most sincere wishes for you to find peace in all of this................
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awwww Dash I'm sorry. The dishonesty is just awful. Lies slide out of their mouths so easily when the truth wouldn't be half as bad. It's the lack of trust that just destroys relationships.

    I know that cold hard look, have seen it many times. They look like a completely different person, it's frightening to see.

    I hope something works out for her. She still has her job right?
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Thank you, all. I really need you guys right now. In a weird way, it even helps that you know "the look". It isn't the typical teen glower ... it is as if the soul has left the body. I know you get it.

    Nancy, she does still have the job. If she's behaving at work in even a fraction of the manner she's behaving here, though, it wil not last.

    One of these lies was not the slide of the tongue kind. It was pretty calculated. I'd told her that I would "kick back" part of her rent that she'd paid to reinstate her car insurance. She'd had to buy a new car battery and I do get how hard it is to plan when you're first dealing with bills. I also know difficult child's have even a harder time.

    She told me a few weeks ago (and she brought it up) that she was paying her insurance that day. She said she'd stop back after work and get the money, because she knew she'd spend if she took it to work. I wisely said "Oh,I'll just give you a check. Then you can stop on the way". She came home and triumphantly flashed her insurance card. Being an idiot (or too trusting), I thought nothing of it. After all, I hadn't given her cash. Long story, and I found out quite innocently, she never renewed it. Why? She had the money. She can't - or won't answer. The check was never cashed ... now I KNOW the cash would have been long gone, but she had nothing to lose. AND she went out of her way to lie. The insurance card (duh) is the one that was issued with the policy, but she still hadn't paid. Paid car insurance was part of the condition of her staying here ... and Ossy says the same thing. It may not sound like a big deal, but there were other lies AND the big lie a few weeks back when she said a girlfriend was picking her up (for a sleepover) whe it was, in fact, a guy from the internet she'd only met that day.
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2013
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I haven't seen that look for a number of years, but when my daughter was younger and she didn't get what she wanted or was confronted, that look flashed across her face and honestly, it was frightening, like you said, as if there was no soul. I was always taken aback by the sheer, utter lack of feeling FOR me and nastiness directed AT me. Calculated lies hurt. It's as if all the negatives are directed at us, the ones who truly love the most and want the best for them, .............it's very difficult to fathom and heartbreaking to go through. I feel for you Dash............
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs, hon... That look... I know it all too well. And the lies, too...
  8. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Wow, Dash. That comment brought tears to my eyes. I've doing a lot of reflecting today because someone posted some beautiful family pictures on FB of a recent vacation. On the screen in front of me was my long dead dream of happy family times and enjoying each other's company. I thought about the mother I so very much fantasized of being prior to becoming one. Having no concept that difficult children are often born and not always "made", I believed that I was going to be the Mom I saw in those pictures. Not the much disliked, tough-love mother I have to be. Just makes me feel so sad when it bubbles to the surface.

    I'm sorry about your pain and difficult child's lies. I despise the lying! Hopefully, Ossy will take her in so you can have some peace. Gentle hugs to you.
  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm sending you boatloads of understanding hugs for your hurting heart. FWIW, I'm 100% behind you on this decision. You deserve to be treated like gold. Calculating deceit has no place in your home.
    I've seen that awful look before from my difficult child, and I thought I'd be turned to stone. I often wonder if that look is the REAL them, and if the sweet demeanor is a ruse.
  10. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    This is something I truly fear. .. that I'm seeing the real her in these moments. Oh, God, I hope not.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They truly are cut from the same bolt of cloth. difficult child's car insurance needed to be renewed March 13. We paid it because she didn't have the money and she was paying all her other bills. However, we bought her a car March 15 and told her she had to pay the increase in insurance to add collision and theft. It came to $240. Believe me we called her every day until the bill came and we received verification that she paid it. We would have driven there and taken the car back if she had not. I won't let her drive with no insurance and she would have lied about it just like yours.

    by the way I didn't mean the lies were a slip of the tongue, I meant they so easily just slide out of their mouths with no remorse.
  12. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Please know you're not alone. I think that a lot too. I wonder when I will see it next. It such a heartless look and just remembering it makes me shiver and tear up. The utter absence of compassion/humanity; that's why I will never be able to let go of the nagging fear about difficult child. I didn't recognize him and he had played us completely.

    stay strong Difficult Child. I hope that her absence will restore some peace.
  13. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I also feel your pain! When my difficult child gave me the one-more-time-sob-story about how carefully he had planned the expenses for their trip to a concert none of it made sense. How can a mix up in reservations cause you to be short of money?? I just ignored it and 'loaned' him the money to get home.

    I overlooked the pain (for me) he and girlie caused with with the homeless con that went on for months. I was like a monkey jumping through hoops trying to help him finish the semester when it was all lies. The extent that my difficult child can lie while looking me in the eyes is unbelievable.

    I finally had enough and started calling him on the lies, then the about face was startling. He understood that I saw through his lies and was no long going to over look them, no longer send money for any reason. He let me know that he didn't care one iota for me unless I was dishing out money with no questions asked.

    His NC is spiteful on his part, but when he gets passed being p***** at me, he'll just start the 'I need money' again. I had hoped my difficult child would eventually become a responsible adult, heavy sigh, he has always worked in the past (spent it as fast as he earned it) but after meeting girlie 3 years ago his main focus is to spike and dye his hair and be a groupy at concerts.

    My difficult child will turn 35 in a few months and girlie is about 38/39. It took a very long time for me to accept that he is what he is and I can't make him be a responsible adult. I will never in a million years understand anyone that would rather con people than work, especially when it is their family.
    (((blessing for us all, only a parent of one of theses kids can truly understand the pain)))
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry Dash. I hope she comes to her senses.
  15. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm having a pretty rough time today. She came home last night and acted as though nothing had happened. She spent most of the night in her room, worked today, stopped home and went to Ossy's. She then plans to spend the night with the newest guy at his place (yes, another internet dude).

    I did give Ossy a heads up on all of this and he promised to call and let me know how she was with him ... but you know, of course, he did not.

    I know I did the right thing, but it's just so hard.
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One of the many challenges here........ knowing we are doing the right thing and it still being so incredibly hard..............I hear you Dash, I really do. My heart goes out to you...........I can't recall if you have a good support system in place, but if you do USE it and if you don't get one............do as much for yourself as you can, get as much support as you can, focus on you, nurture you, it doesn't change anything with your difficult child, but it makes it easier on you.......and brings you more solace.............it is hard no matter how you look at it, but support for you soothes the heartache.............I am sorry, I'm sending you caring, understanding hugs.............hang in there.........
  17. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Thank you, RE. I do have a good support system. I am very blessed in that regard. I did call a Families Anonymous friend tonight and I'm a bit calmer now. Thank you for the hugs. I felt every one.

  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've since that look, too, and it shakes me to the core. The nastiness that comes with it comes out so quickly that I often wonder if it is just under the surface at all times and she covers it up to get what she wants. Does that make sense?

    I have sadly come to believe that when the day comes that we tell our difficult child she we are done helping support her and we expect her to be self-sufficient (after the halfway house and IOP is finished), she will cut us out of her life and never look back.

  19. Dash - I am so sorry that you had to make the decision to have difficult child move out. It was the right decision but a very difficult one, nonetheless. I know how you feel - it is so hard to finally get to the point where they have given you no choice but to say the only words you wish you'd never have to say.

    difficult child's have a tendency to push until there is nowhere else left for us to go. husband and I felt like we were standing tightly in a corner with the line drawn just in front of our toes - there was nowhere else for us to go so that meant it was time for difficult child to go.

    I'm glad you have a good support system and that you are calling on it for help. I know from experience with my difficult child that they can be very resourceful. Don't be surprised if she doesn't take advantage of the time you have given her to make other arrangements. Our difficult child didn't - he just up and left.

    *Hugs to you. I hope that your difficult child finally sees that she can't continue to behave the way she does and have other people be ok with it. I hope that Ossy stays in touch with you and holds his own boundaries so difficult child can learn from this.
  20. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I believe many of our kids don't give a flip about how their behavior impacts us. But sometimes they push, and push, and push and leave us no choice. Hugs