I Turned Him In

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by karisma, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. karisma

    karisma Member

    Hi to everyone. I have not been posting or even reading for several weeks. My son had been staying at an apt of a friend of his, who is also a friend of mine from N.A. but who had relapsed and is currently in active addiction. Some of you may recall that she had called me crying saying she didn't know what to do because he was screaming and crying every waking moment and her heart was literally breaking and she was scared that the cops would come because he was so loud. I had hoped they would. They didn't.

    She refused to call the police herself to turn him in on his warrants.

    She decided instead to slip him Prazosin (the only actual PTSD medication, prescribed to her) in his coffee. I was extremely torn about what my course of action should be here, but I knew she was getting evicted and thought maybe things would work themselves out (Did I? Did I actually think that? My God I'm in bad shape), or at least that Difficult Child would improve once his drug source was gone and he was away from the constant chaos that is her world.

    I did, in case anyone is wondering, tell my son that she was putting the pills into the coffee. He called me a liar. I researched the pill and determined it is an anti-hypertensive and will not fatally combine with any street drugs and kill him. So, I let that go.

    She got evicted. But instead he actually got worse (which I did not know was possible)

    I had previously been absolutely against turning my son in on his warrants. Here are my reasons for this:

    1) I was worried that he would freak out, and get hurt or killed by police, or get charged with assault on an officer. I did not want this on my conscience, especially when I believed that once he did not have an apt to be inside, that he would probably be picked up on his warrants fairly quickly.

    2) I was worried that he would have drugs on him and thus get new charges ( he missed court on sentencing for 5 drug felonies as it is, that is why he had the warrants).....To me, new charges equate to more future prison time because he is just far too ill to even remotely comply with probation. I do not want my son in prison, he will suffer terribly there because he is extremely ill and he is slightly transgendered. The men there will not accept him and will possibly even harm him. Again, I do not want this on my conscience

    3) This is my main reason: If I were to turn my son in, believe me, he will never ever trust me again. So not only would I lose my ability to ever know his whereabouts in the future, my son will lose one of the only things he has going for him: which is having someone (me) in his life he can trust, who he can feel safe with, feel safe telling the truth to who will love him and be there for him

    However, I will say this: I was willing to sacrifice that if something good could come out of it, like court ordered treatment (my number one goal).

    Unfortunately for both of us, Difficult Child is incredibly intelligent. He is an actual genius of the first order, and regardless of however psychotic he truly is, he is capable of acting like he is not and convincing police, doctors, judges, anyone that he is fine. He is incredibly articulate, with an amazing vocabulary, and his resistance to assistance trumps everything. He. Does. Not. Want. Help.

    So, I could fill out all the petitions I want, and they will pick him up based on the true things I say in the petition. But once they talk to him, they will determine him to be of sound mind and simply suffering from a hysterical mother who simply doesn't like his lifestyle choices. They will let him go in about 3 hours, tops, and I will lose my one chance to have my betrayal result in something positive for him.

    For these reasons, I was not willing to call the police.

    But then one day about a week ago, I got off the train at the spot we had agreed to meet, so I could give him cigarettes and buy him food, a daily routine. I would only ever give enough for one day because that way, I could see him daily and take note of what was going on with him, and I truly adore my son, I want to see him. My eyes feel literal pleasure I can not describe when I can visually drink in the beautiful sight of the alive young man who is my very heart. There is nothing like it in the world. He hugs me and tells me he loves me and I always cherish it as though it is the last time, because it well could be.

    Anyway, I get off the train and start walking toward the store, and I hear him screaming from somewhere in the distance like he is being tortured. Screaming and crying and the top of his lungs in a way that I pray to God that no parent ever has to hear again. I do not recall now what he was saying except for one part where he is saying "IM SO TIRED" and he is crouched down beside an electrical box in parking lot. Im calling his name, but afraid to approach him because I just don't know what he might do, like run in front of the train to flee from me.

    I called the police and started telling them what was going on, but the problem was that I did not have a long sleeve shirt with me as it is extremely hot here. I could see that he did not have one, nor did anyone in the parking lot who I could offer 40$ to for their used long sleeve shirt. So the officer kept asking me where we were and I ended up telling him that I just could not send my son to a jail that is literally only 45 degrees, where he will be for 48 hours in a short sleeve T-shirt. I could not do that to him. God help me, I know first hand how incredibly, cruelly, cold the jail is here and I ended up telling the officer I would just call back if I needed to.

    He eventually calmed down and came into the store. But I knew at that moment that I was going to turn him in the next day, if he lived that long. See, there are a lot of homeless people at this particular grocery store complex and a few of them told me that even the homeless community had turned on him because of this behavior and they were afraid someone would really hurt him bad very soon and that I needed to do something.

    So the next day, I told him to come to where I live and then when he got here, the 18 year old girl who is my best friend's daughter and has known my son for about 10 years sat outside with him and gave him the food I had made for him and talked to him while he sat crying and I called the police from in the house. I did not dare go outside for fear he would leave. They sent very very good SMI officers who parked away from the house and walked up so they didn't frighten him.

    He knew immediately when he saw them what was going on. My friend's daughter gave him the coat and took his backpack in the house in case there was drugs in it (there was not). She said he was a little mad at her but did not suspect that I had something to do with it. He was extremely cooperative with the police, and was absolutely convincing in his portrayal of mental health. The daughter said that if he did not have warrants, they would not have taken him because he acts completely fine around them

    He has court in the morning but because of the information I gave to his lawyer and the judge, his plea will not be accepted and the proceedings for a Rule 11 will be started. He will have a competency hearing, where he will state he is fine and I will use my one betrayal to testify what he really goes through, thinks, feels, says, and does. His case will be dismissed based on this and he will be court ordered on medication. He will not go to prison. His case will be taken over to a mental health court. They have all been informed that he presents well, and yet, is probably one of the most severely ill people they will ever encounter. They will believe me because it is true and I have other people willing to say the same.

    I have my sister applying for emergency guardianship so that we can get him on SSI and get him off the street. It will be granted because there is also a Rule 11 going on at his lawyer's request.

    I am happy and at peace in this moment, because I know that he did not have very many more days on this earth in that condition and he will be getting the helps he needs but would never consent to willingly. I truly wish I never seen and heard what I did in the parking lot that morning. I will never ever be able to forget it. But finally, there is a chance for him to be saved.

    It has taken my best friend in this world (who works in this field and is bipolar herself) to tell me what to do, how to do it, keep me on track on what to do moment by moment, yell at me when I get scared do something a certain way, to make this happen this way.

    Without her direction, I perhaps could have turned him in and saved him in that moment, but I would not know what to do next. I just wouldn't. I would instead be paralyzed with fear and trauma from the parking lot, that he would be released and things would go back to being like that, and even worse, that he would be on his way to prison for not complying with his probation. I would not have known to do these things for him the second he was in jail.

    Thank you to all of you who have been here for me during these months of hopeless despair. I could not have imagined the events that have come to pass. I have witnessed the absolute zenith of mental illness in my son, a state of being that I seriously doubt many people who experience it survive. I know now, that I can say that things could not possibly get worse than that (besides the D word, which would not be worse for him actually) and yet, because he had warrants and I had someone in my life who knew what to do, he is not going to die after all, at least not for a while. He will probably get several good years out of his life now, maybe more.

    I wish I could do something to change things so parents could help their mentally ill, especially psychotic, adult children to be court ordered onto medication without having to wait til the child is about to die. I have been waiting 8 years for this and it has nearly destroyed both he and I. It shouldn't have to come to that. Truly, this stuff we deal with here is the hardest thing in the entire world.

    Peace and be well
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Karisma, I am so moved by your story, by your son's journey......your raw honesty and love for your son shine brilliantly throughout your post. It sounds like you've done everything you can for him now and I'm glad you feel peace.

    I understand mental illness......I've lived with it too.......I'm sorry for all the struggles, for all the suffering.........my prayers are with you and your son.

    Please keep us posted....... and remember to take very, very good care of yourself......Sending you a big, big hug....
     
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Karisma, my heart goes out to you. What a sad and moving story, and what steadfast love you have shown your son in finding a way through that morasse. I am glad your heart found some peace today.
     
  4. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Karisma-I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hard this was for you. I do believe you did the right thing, the only thing.
    You will never forget it, but I pray it becomes more faded day by day. Take care of you. Yes, you are off duty now...rest. Hugs and prayers.
     
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    You are a strong and beautiful portrayal of a Mother.
    Blessings for you and your son.
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Karisma, this is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. I truly do hope that your son will come to realize just how much he is loved by you.
    It's such a common thing with our difficult children that they do not believe anyone loves them, even their own moms.

    I know how hard it was for you to turn him in and I want you to know I think you did the right thing.

    My heart goes to you. Hang in there and let us know how things are going.

    Please take time to be good to yourself.

    ((HUGS))
     
  7. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Karisma,

    What a heartfelt story and I join the others in the gratitude of you getting your son in for help. My son suffers from mental illness and husband and I never succeeded in getting help for him like you just did. We tried, but it looks like your way went much better,

    Please stay with us. Keep us posted. We understand and we care what happens.

    SS
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Karisma:

    I too, was very moved by your story. I am so happy that your son is safe now and getting help. Also how blessed you are to have such a great friend by your side that helps guide you and truly understands what you are going through.

    God only gives us what we can handle.

    I think you have done a tremendous job with your son and now I hope you take some time for YOURSELF. Do something extra special for you. Eat something you love but never have. Take a bubble bath. Find some peace for yourself. You SO DESERVE IT.
     
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