I want a "do over".....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    As I've watched the tweedles grow emotionally, then wane & spiral out of control I think of the many times husband, myself & the treatment teams have given kt & wm "do overs" to learn.

    I now want a do over. I want to scream at all the nonsense & antics that are my difficult children. I want to "rethink" our decision to do the many things we've done to see if another way would have been better. I want to mother my children the way I was mothered. I lost that chance with the tweedles - the chance to nurture, the chance to snuggle & cuddle when they most needed me.

    I want a do over. I want the chance to bake holiday cookies with-o it becoming a crisis between kt & wm.

    I want a do over. I want to scream at the top of my lungs instead of being the therapeutic parent all the time - stuffing my feelings.

    I want a do over. I want my children home with me & at the same time I hate what has happened to them; hate the cause of their "antics".

    I want kt's dissociative states to calm; to begin to believe that she is a loving warm individual worth a great deal to others. That she is a brilliant young lady & to not just settle.

    I want wm to learn from the many many interventions, consequences &/or rewards he's been given. I want to see him succeed in life. To recognize his talents & use them to further success.

    I want a do over. I will not get it like the tweedles did so many times in their lives.

    I want a do over. I will not get it - I want husband back - I will not get that either.

    I want a do over. Funny thing, do overs aren't a reality in life. It may be something we use to teach our children, but the real world doesn't let us go back & "do over" life's decisions.

    AND with all the do overs I've seen kt & wm given it just doesn't work.

    I know many parents second guess themselves all the time - it's time to let go of hindsight. It only creates doubt, depression & despair.

    Sad ~ I still want my "do over".
     
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda,
    I so hear you on wanting a do over! Please know you are right when saying it's time to let go of hindsight. You have been a wonderful mother to the tweedles. Your decisions have always been made in what is best for them. Sending gentle hugs and continued prayers your way.
     
  3. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Linda, the holidays always bring out these types of feelings in many of us. I also think of all that we do or have done and see very little progress. Then again, I have to think "Oh, yea....he isn't hitting me any longer...." (That is for now.) Like you, I'm so tired of trying and trying......and really, all I want is a little normalcy. My mother never thought there was a thing wrong with difficult child, but she died when he was five. If she could only see him now, with a mustache growing, and he's behaving as if he were STILL five years old. He freaks at anything out of the ordinary.....bake cookies? suuuuurrrrre

    You and I (and many others) have been a member of this forum for years and years. I KNOW what you've been through and what you've done to make your children's lives the best they can be. I applaud you. You are one heck of a mother.
     
  4. Penta

    Penta New Member

    I hear your call for a do over... we all wish for normalcy...I remember a quote from Hillary Clinton, I think, that said...we play the hand we are dealt and play it to the best of our ability. I think you have been a parent of unwavering love and advocacy for your children...nothing can take that away.

    I suggest having a do over day just for you...treat yourself to a spa day or a movie and just enjoy your time. Take good care.
     
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I want a do over too. I have a recurring dream that I am back at my grade school graduation but I have kept the memory of this life. In the dream, I get my do-over.

    Sadly, in real life, no do-overs.

    But in this life, I have all of you. For over eight years now, I have been blessed to get to know the amazing parents on this board. To see how strong we are, how we try again and again to help all of our children.
     
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Linda--

    ((((hugs))))

    I was feeling exactly this same way not to long ago....praying for my own do-over.

    I told my husband that I wished I would fall asleep and wake up to discover that the past fifteen years had all been a bad dream....and that husband and I were just starting our lives together and the world was still filled with adventure and possibility.

    But you know, the more that I that about all of the coulda, woulda, shoulda....the more I knew that given the same circumstances, I would have done the same things again....

    I think you have to forgive yourself.

    Recognize the pain you were in at the time, the struggle, the doubt, the heartache....and if you did the very best that you could at the time....then you did GREAT. And that's all we can really ask of ourselves.

    I am sorry that you are spending the holiday without husband....I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sending extra ((((hugs)))) your way today.

    --DaisyFace
     
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I hear you. {{{hugs}}}

    Maybe you can reframe your do-over. For example, my mom was an alcoholic and I was the perfect child who got A's, was quiet as a mouse, and believed I could rescue her and fix it all. Of course, no matter what I did it was wrong, I was consantly getting screamed at, and there is no way to fix an alcoholic. But I kept trying.
    I feel like I have a second chance now. Even though my difficult child will never be fixed, at least he still asks me to cuddle at night (yes, this rude, pushy, math-flunking, wet-the-bed, rap music 13-yr-old) and he still wants my company. I have met his bio family and know for a fact that he would be on the street now, probably doing drugs and worse, if he had not been sent to us. I have control, at least more than I did when I was a kid. This time, I'm the mom.
    Find something in your life you can do over. Better yet, don't look. Let it come to you. You've got a big heart and lots of love and talent and practice and patience and something will just "happen."
    Really.
     
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. Even though you feel like you want a do-over (especially with-your husband), I think they Tweedles got more from you than they could have from anyone else. You have done so much for them. It's all perspective, which you can't see right now. {{more hugs}}
     
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Linda, I agree 100% with Terry, Without you, the tweedles would be lost. They would either be still in the same home reenacting their abuse or they would be separated completely with no knowledge of if the other was alive or dead. You have given them their best chance at a good life; maybe not the life you dreamed for them, but a better life than they would have lived without you.
     
  10. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Linda,

    If I am hearing you right, you're not saying so much that you wish you would have been a better mother/wife and want the chance to try again, you are saying that you were dealt a lousy hand and you want to turn it back in and get a better one (same people, only in a better place).

    Anger is part of the grief process and I suspect many of us have a certain amount of anger that comes and goes at the hands we've been dealt.

    How do you make peace with the hand you're dealt? I'd probably be a millionaire or a therapist if I knew the answer to that one...

    You're dealing with the holiday season, thinking back a year ago to husband, acting out in your kids, concerns about their futures as adulthood approaches, your own health...You'd have to be Mother Teresa not to feel a tad bit angry at what you're dealing with.

    No magic words, just hugs for what you are going through.
     
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I guess I'm just angry in general. At the tweedles, my husband's death, my health in general.

    AND I've spent the better part of this year alone with some pretty harsh thoughts on adoption & the tweedles in general.

    The long term effects difficult children bring into a marriage, your life; the constant stress. The unending chaos.

    I've lost myself in all this chaos & am drowning in grief & difficult child antics. And they aren't even living with me at this moment.

    I know I can't go back & change what was; I need to change the way I handle things now. Distance myself emotionally in so many ways.

    I'm not abandoning kt & wm - just putting up safe & sane boundaries.

    Thanks for the shoulder - the ear. For listening to my ramblings.
     
  12. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Linda, I have to practice detachment 24/7. I don't always do a very good job of it. As far as the holidays and your husband....one step at a time, my friend. There's a first time for everything, then be proud of yourself that you got through it. Be gentle with yourself.
     
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hugs. You are not alone. I want a do-over almost constantly. I wish I had something more wise to say than that - but I am brain numbed at this time. Just know........I feel your pain.........and you have my cyber shoulder to lean on.
     
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hugs, Linda.

    You are still one of my heroes because you continue to persevere. You are not an angel, you are not a saint, you are not a God. You are a meager human who did the right thing 12 years ago or so, and the resulting hand you were dealt has been just plain shotty beyond beleif. Yet you carry on, and simply by being out there, by continuing to push for what is right, continuing to be, you inspire me to carry on, too.

    Hugs. I'm sorry its so hard.
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    How do you make peace with the hand you're dealt? I'd probably be a millionaire or a therapist if I knew the answer to that one...

    Me too. Sigh.
     
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    You can not get a literal "do-over." However, you can get a cognitive one.
    And, you are in control of your choices today and can make the best of each and every day at present. In a way, each day is a "do-over."
     
  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    What Nomad said is so very true. Each day is a new possibility and a new start. Each day we are faced with new decisions and choices and therefore have the opportunity to effect change in our present and our future.

    It is hard to know how to accept our situations without giving up. For me accepting means you realize that the past is the past and you continue to push foward making changes that will easee your burden and allow happiness and joy back into your life.

    Conversely giving up is when you accept that you can't change the past but do nothing more to progress foward to a healthier emotional place.

    Happiness is a choice wheather we are fully aware of it or not. It is all in our power. -RM
     
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