I want a Mulligan...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ShyChelle, May 3, 2009.

  1. ShyChelle

    ShyChelle New Member

    Just venting... Lately my difficult child has been saying he wishes I were dead, that he could kill me, that he hates being with me, that I ruin his life. In 2 wks I am sure he will be in jail and hopefully I won't also be in jail. I just can't understand how or what I could have done to get such a stinky life. And it just seems to be getting worse. I have been telling myself things like... it always gets darkest before the dawn... just a little bit longer and it will be okay but I am not sure how much more I can take. I have no place to hide and no one to help. I am scared if difficult child goes into jail for not going to school which breaks his parole that it will just get worse. I just want another life... anyone know where you can get one? I don't believe in Karma but sometimes I think about it.. you know the reaping what you sow thing... and I can't see anything I have done that was this bad. I wish I could just crawl in bed and wait for it to end but that isn't possible. If difficult child does something drastic I don't know what I will do. He is the only one I have. I don't see me having anymore. I love him very much and though he is frustrated with me normally and takes out his frustrations and anger on me I Know he loves me too. I can't seem to help him or me. That is so frustrating... I keep thinking there must be something I can do to make it better. Keep asking what am I missing. I hate suffering like this. I need to finish school and get another job. I just don't have anything left in me really to do it.
  2. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I read your post and wonder why this has become a punishment on you for some past transgression?
    Your son suffers from mental illness. His only safe target is you. It is your job to protect yourself. It would be my thinking that my difficult child is ill and how can we help him. Being his victim is not necessary.
    Do you receive counseling? Do you get family therapy?

    If he is threatening or violent you must call 911 and ask for help. Regardless of the consequences to difficult child or your lonliness of difficult child being gone. He is or could be a danger.

    I'm sorry for your sadness. Please get some help and support.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    First, understand that your difficult child's choices have nothing to do with anything you have or haven't done. If he was 4, that could be the case, but at 17 he has the knowledge to understand right from wrong. He chooses to not go to school despite knowing the negative consequences for his choices. The biggest thing that helped me was learning to detach---I did not cause it; I can not control it; I can not change it. Those three phrase I've learned to apply to the decisions made by my difficult child and my pcs as well as other people in my life. I am responsible for the decisions of one person---me. You need to learn some detachment phrases.
  4. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    I am really sorry you are going thru this. I am afraid for you. Him saying I could kill you and wishes you were dead
    could be a warning to you to get help and that he could lose control. Please call the police,the psychiatric center if your child is seeing a psychiatrist or call a hospital ask them what you should do. He also could be having a psychotic episode and be
    paranoid schizophrenic you may not know what is wrong unless he is evaluated. You need to get help.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    First, I remember when I felt that there must have been something that I had done to deserve the horridness that was my life. I was in the depths of despair. I suspect that you are depressed. Are you seeing anyone to help you feel better? Please talk to your doctor about your feelings, because it's difficult for you to deal with your son when you are feeling so sad. It can be better. One day you will understand that this type of thinking is a lie you tell yourself to give your life some semblance of rationality.

    I don't think that they will put him in jail if he doesn't go to school, especially at 17 in the final term. I wouldn't think they would do much more than flunk him and assume he's not coming back next year. Is there something more that he has done that brings you to think that he will be in jail soon?

    I was frightened of my son as well when he was that age. I was ashamed to tell anyone. Although he had been in therapy many years, we didn't act until after he had assaulted my husband, his dad. He was barely 16, and that was the last time that he lived in our home. I see that you list yourself as an abuse survivor. I know you know that you survived because you got away. If your son is abusing you - including verbally to the point that you want to crawl into bed and never come out - you must seek assistance for him and for yourself. Call the school, call his doctor, call your doctor, call the police, call CPS. Call someone. You will still be the provider for your son, but until he comes back to earth on the violence and threats of violence, you are not providing a safe place for either of you in your home.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    ShyChelle...It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, and you can't fix it. You can't make up for whatever you think you did or that you didn't do by letting him hurt you. Please take care of yourself. Call 911 if you need to.

    Many hugs.