I want OFF this ride

[flutterbee]

I want to scream. I want to punch. I want to kick. I want to break things. I want to drive my car into a freakin' tree JUST to feel the impact.

I am so bleepin' enraged right now and I don't know why.

I am sick of it all. I am sick of filling my pill boxes for AM and PM just so I don't get my medications mixed up and so I don't forget to take them. I am tired of having to have the print out of my medications from the doctor when I fill those stupid boxes so I don't miss any. I am sick of taking them.

I cannot stand not knowing how I'm going to feel the next day...what's going to hurt, how bad, how sick am I going to feel, how fatigued am I going to be, how confused, am I going to embarrass myself if I go out in public by getting my words wrong or looking like I'm drunk or getting turned around and disoriented inside the stupid grocery store that I've shopped at since it opened 7-8 plus years ago.

I tried to lie down and sleep through this feeling. It is so intense that I can hardly bear it. But, I laid there thinking about cutting my wrists or throwing myself in front of a truck. I'm not actively suicidal, as strange as that sounds. But all of this rage has to have some kind of release. For the first time in my life I completely understand cutting and self-mutilation.

So I came here and am using my words instead. And I called my mom as I was typing and I let it out and then I started to sob. And now I can't stop.

Wynter helped me clean the kitchen last night. Just the dishes and counter. I was going to make hamburgers for her after. And I couldn't. I was in so much pain after doing that little bit that I couldn't stand. Not even for a few seconds. And that was on pain medication.

Lord help me. I want out of my body.

I'm calling my doctor when they open. I think I need something PRN - risperdal or something. Or else I think I'm going to end up back in the psychiatric hospital.

And I have come so far since then. It kills me that I'm sliding back like this. This bothers me more than the physical stuff.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Geeze Heather, I don't know what to say. I know there are no words that can make you feel better.

Knowing that we are here offers you some comfort, I hope. Just like calling your mom gave you some comfort.

Only 10 minutes until the doctor's office opens.

Heather, I hope the doctor has some suggestions for you. I hope you get some relief from them. Please repeat to the office/doctor what you wrote here.

I hope this feeling of rage and hopelessness, the pain and the sorrow, are short-lived.

We are here.

Sharon

 

[busywend]

I hope the doctor helps you today!

Sending many gentle hugs your way. I feel awful for you.

HUGS!!!

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Heather}}} I'm so sorry for what you're going through and feeling. Sending positive thoughts and sending up some special prayers for a calm and peace in your heart today. I hope the Dr can help you in some way so you can at least rest yourself. Hugs~

 

[WhymeMom?]

No words of wisdom, just hope you can find some answers and release from pain.....sending peace......

 

[flutterbee]

Thank you, ladies.

After I posted, I was afraid I'd scare people with what I'd said. It's just so intense. And now the bulk of it has past and I'm left feeling like I'm going to vomit. Which is normal for me when I have a strong emotional 'thing' going on. Time for some dry toast.

Then I started to panic because I was thinking that my doctor isn't in on Tuesday's. But, I just called and she's in and I have an appointment for 11:15. Or is it 11:30? Sigh. I don't remember and I just hung up. I'll just be there by 11:15.

A lot of GP's aren't comfortable prescribing something like an AP, but I hope she will because it will take me months to get into a psychiatrist. Maybe since I took risperdal PRN in the past she'll be ok with it. I hope. Of course, I wasn't on all the medications then that I am now. Wasn't there a site someone posted where you can search for drug interactions? I tried to find it and can't. But, she does everything right on the computer so it should tell her, too.

Thanks for listening and for not being scared off.

 

[Genny]

Heather,
I'd give you a cyber hug, but I know how you value your personal space . Seriously, it's totally understandable why you'd feel that way. I don't think I could have taken it as long as you have. It's unbelievably frustrating knowing you're going to be in some kind of pain, but not where it's going to hurt or how much. You can't make any kind of plans - even cooking a burger! Your feelings are justified. Maybe this will inspire your doctor to make some noise and get you into one of those specialists ASAP. You need answers. I hope it helps that we're all here with you waiting and getting frustrated right along side you. If we could take some of your pain for a day or even an hour, we would.

Hang in there (by a thread counts!), and keep us posted.

Aw, what the heck -
((HUGS))

Genny

 

[Andy]

I hope the doctor can come up with something - sounds like someone needs to look at ALL your medications again to see if something may no longer be working like it is suppose to. Maybe some can be combined so you can take less?

I have also heard that pharmacy staff sometimes have a better handle on medication interactions than doctors do so you can ask your pharmacist if he/she knows of any bad effects of mixing any of them.

I do hope you can get to the bottom of this.

Hugs - Hugs - Hugs

 

[Marcie Mac]

Am sorry you are feeling so bad Heather. It totally blows eggs when you are ill and no one can seem to make anything better.

Have you every looked into alternative medicine, acpuncture, or a chinese herbalist? Not replacing your regular docs, but in conjunction with them. For a while SO was seeing the herbalist next to my office, and he was very helpful with some herbs he took for his lungs.

Once in a while when I am so totally stressed out I don't even want to hear anyones voice, I put on the earphones and listen to rainfall in a tropical forest, or cows and sheep mooing in a field during a rainstorm. It takes the edge off my anger and is a good destressor for me. Or I listen to a self hypnotic tape to put me in a good place.

Hope your doctor appointment today brings you some relief..

Marcie

 

[Hound dog]

Heather

I'm glad the moment has passed. I've been there done that in the past and it wasn't pretty. I fell apart twice. completely. Each time on a doctor. Once on a surgeon, the man held we while I sobbed on him for 45 mins, and the other my urologist, when after you wouldn't believe how many surgeries in a year and my condition hadn't improved, instead my life was pain, surgery, more pain, more surgery. I begged the man to remove my kidneys it got so bad at that point.

When you're living what you've been living with your illness, it's not uncommon. You could almost say "normal" to some extent. Then add in normal life stuff, and yeah, gee........no wonder it blindsides from time to time.

I hope the doctor can help. Glad you're getting in today.

(((hugs)))

 

[Wiped Out]

Heather,
I hope the dr. can help today. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Wish I had some magic to take all the pain away.

 

[flutterbee]

Thank you again, ladies.

It's not just the pain. It's the limitations and how debilitating it makes me. It's not being able to stand to cook a hamburger that bothers me, not the pain itself, Know what I mean?? It's what it keeps me from doing. Which is living.

It's the not having any money. I've always lived on a budget, but in the past if I needed extra money I could pull some overtime or pick up a second job on a temporary basis. Neither of which I could do now. I have no money. I have no way to get more money. I struggle to pay utilities and insurance and buy groceries every month.

It's wanting to get out there and be productive and go back to work and actually do something and not being able to.

And it's all the demands on me from my kids when I can barely manage myself. You know, when your 17 year old comes home from working 6 hours and, yes he worked hard, but he's cranky and he whines like a 5 year old. I mean, seriously??? I asked him the other night when he was whining because his legs hurt if I whined like that. He stopped. But, come on. It's the stupid stuff...like tracking him down last night when I woke up at midnight when I woke up hearing the garage door (which turned out to be a dream) and he wasn't home. He had fallen asleep at his girlfriends. It's the taking advantage of mom being sick.

It's being confused. Like it wasn't last night that Wynter helped me clean. It was Sunday night. I don't even know what day it is or what happened when.

It's having no control over what is happening to me.

Is it 11:00 yet? Just breathe. Just breathe.

 

[Abbey]

Fingers crossed that the appointment. is going well.

Who on Earth has a doctor that holds you sobbing for 45 minutes??? I didn't think they existed anymore. Lucky you. We need to send Heather to him.

Abbey

 

[ML]

I'm glad you could come here and relieve some of the pressure build up by "typing". You know we all love you and that it's hard watching you hurt.

I can only imagine what it is like to have chronic pain. I hate knowing how badly you are suffering.

The only thing I can offer is prayers and good thoughts. Know you are loved and cared about.

I hope you get some help today.

Love,

ML

 

[flutterbee]

Have I mentioned how much I like my doctor? Pretty sure I have.

Both her and the nurse said they are surprised it took me this long to get to this point. So, I guess that should make me feel better. Ha.

She would have prescribed risperdal for me because she knows me, but she doesn't normally prescribe it and likes the anti-anxiety medications better because they aren't in your system as long. So, I'm going to try klonopin and if it doesn't work I'll call her and she'll give me something else.

She also talked to me about adding another AD, Pristiq, but I told her I wanted to think about it and see how things go.

They also called the NIH again because they hadn't called back yet from the message they left last week. They got through and the NIH is going to send them a packet. Once they get it, they'll fill it out and send it back with my records and then NIH takes 6 weeks to review it then they'll let me know. It sounds like I'll hear from the NIH directly. We still have Mayo on the back burner.

I did pretty well there, but it started building again as soon as I left. I feel like a bomb is just waiting to go off inside me.

Tick. Tick. Tick.....

 

[Hound dog]

Heather

Klonopin helped me to relax. Honestly, I can say it's the only time in my entire life I've ever been relaxed. So maybe it'll help. I sure hope so.

How about your doctor clone herself and send the clone down my way.

Hugs

 

[house of cards]

I hate pain. My mother has spinal stanosis, vasculitis, and diabetic nerve damage that effects her legs. She recently was put on a pain medication that contained methadone. The doctors took a long time to figure out most of of her pain was coming from the problems in her veins. She had surgery last week and is now down to a lower dose of just percacet. She is almost giddy planning things that she wants to do, projects and whatnot. She literally went shopping the first day out of the hospital. She had been in severe pain for at least 1 1/2 years and she is now doing so much better. I know how hard it is but hang in there, there is a solution, they just need to find it.

 

[flutterbee]

Shoot. I meant to ask my GP if she thinks my insurance will cover acupuncture (although, I doubt it). I'll have to call her office. Otherwise, I can't afford it.

 

[meowbunny]

Aw, hon, I'm so sorry. Been busy all day and just saw this. I wish I could take at least some of your pain and frustration away. No one deserves the misery you've been in and then to never have an answer make sit just ridiculous.

I'm so glad you have a good doctor to talk to and see. I hope the new medications help. You need some pain relief, some regualar sleep. some .... If I were a fairy Godmother, I'd give them all to you and perfect health and the winning lottery ticket.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Heather,

I'm glad you got to the doctor and got a new medication. I hope it helps and gives you some releif.

I don't have any suggestions on what to do with the kids!

Sharon