I was here 2 weeks ago, now he's in county jail with 3 felony charges!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemyson1, Aug 31, 2014.

  1. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I had just found out he was using heroin the week I came on here, one week later he was arrested. Guess he had been stealing to pay for his addiction. His father & I have gone to visit him 3x since he's been in county jail (8 days). We've been speaking to him every day when he calls collect. Gave him advice what to say to his public defender. He is trying to go to residential rehabe in lieu of jail time. He's been crying, and saying he wants to change his life. I believe this must be God's plan to get my son the help he needs. The first arraignment they didn't accept his plea, we go again this Tuesday, Sept. 2. My husband spoke to DA and public defender and they both believe he should be able to go to rehab. I am praying he really has changed and will complete rehab and be clean. I just can't believe my son is in jail. This is killing us!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry you are going through this. If he is using heroin, it is not surprising he ended up in jaiil. Many parents here had or have adult children in jail. To be honest, they are always sorry after t hey are caught, but it is a wait and see game if they change. I hope he gets the chance to go to rehab and really tries hard. How old is your son? You may want to do a signature like I did below.

    Usually there is a need for more than one stint in rehab for our adult children who are drug addicts. They quit when they are truly ready an d we can't control them. I hope you can work on yourself and detaching a bit so that you can learn how to cope with your own life in spite of your son's mistakes. Most of us on this forum are in the early to late stages of doing this. Stealing is common in drug addiction and will definitely get anyone into trouble once caught. Sometimes they even steal from us. Has he always had problems or is this new?

    At any rate, you are in a place where others understand.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
     
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  3. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    MWM, thank you for your response. I haven't figured out how to make a signature yet, sorry. He is 20 years old and yes he has stolen from us, precious things that are irreplaceable. We are considering placing him in a rehab that costs around $5,500 and then one that I really like but it is $10,000-$20,000. We want him to get help and I'm terrified that he will fall back into his old ways, but I know I have no control over that. I would think that jail would scare him enough to stay away from anything unlawful. But, in the back of my mind, I worry he will go back to his ways. My husband just wants him out of jail, I just want him changed. He had no reason to do this to his life. He's handsome, athletic, charming and both his father & I are his parents and show him tons of attention and love, infact his sisters always say we gave him way more attention than them. And my daughters are wonderful. I don't get it at all! In your opinion, should we invest the $20K in this treatment or just let him go to the one on our insurance that is basically free? I want to be sure he is gonna stick with it before I deplete our savings. But of course, I would do everything in my power if he truly wants to stop, including deplete our savings. And then again, this is only if the court decides he can attend treatment in lieu of jail time.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't unless you really believe he'll quit or unless you have lots of money to spare. It is rare for anyone to go into rehab once, kick it and be done with it. Often they just walk out and we're out our retirement money. Jail may knock some sense into him, but there is no guarantee. Addiction is powerful. I'd send him to the one on your insurance, if he is willing to go. When my daughter quit, she quit because she wanted to quit. She was doing meth and psychedelics and cocaine and was snorting crushed up ADHD medication too, which is a common drug for users to snort. We never sent her to rehab and had no idea how bad it was until after she quit. We thought it was just pot. Almost all parents think that at first, because, as I know, it is too horrifying to think it is anything more.

    Being a realist (or a cynic as my difficult child says), I think he will need time before he is ready to turn it around and you need your own life too. Looks like you have three kids and a grandchild. Is it fair to invest all your time and emotion in one adult child who is messing up and letting the people who love you and are doing well to be slighted? I don't think so. difficult children tend to suck the air out of our worlds, then, when the dust settles, they tend to stay the same for very long periods of time and we look up and see we have wasted years that could have been better spent with our respectful, law abiding loved ones and being good to ourselves. We count too. Yes, I thought that was terribly selfish the first time I heard it. But it's true. You can't change your son. Only he can do that. Rehab can't change him. Only he can, if he's ready to do it. Heroin is not easy to kick.

    My daughter quit in a basement with her boyfriend and didn't tell us she was quitting in case she failed. It has been over ten years. Proof that people will quit when they want to quit. We would have sent her to rehab, but we had no idea how bad it was and I don't think she would have ever gone.

    I do hope your son gets to go to rehab instead of jail because I do think he deserves a chance to prove he can be a different and better person. So crossing fingers, eyes and toes!!! In the meantime, remember that other people need you too, including yourself. Be good to you and don't spend every moment thinking about your son. It won't change anything to ruminate about him. I wish somebody would have told me that earlier. Seriously, I superstitiously used to think that if I didn't dwell over a problem, it would persist. The fact is, it persists or doesn't regardless of dwelling on it. We have no control over anyone but ourselves. All you can do is wait and see. Jail has helped at least one difficult child on this forum think hard and change her life. Jail isn't all bad.
     
  5. Stress Bunny

    Stress Bunny Active Member

    Hi there, and glad you found us, but not for the circumstances of course.

    I also have a 20 y.o. difficult child son. He is making all kinds of wrong decisions. We bailed him out of jail once so he wouldn't lose his job. He was arrested for providing alcohol to minors, and of course he was drinking underage too.

    We thought the overnight in jail thing would scare him, but he's right back to his ways.

    If I were you, I wouldn't deplete my savings to pay for expensive treatment, especially when there is a good chance your son isn't decided about recovering. The treatment covered by your insurance will work fine for him IF he's ready to work toward recovery. Expensive treatment still fails when addicts aren't invested in their own healing.

    I know that's hard to hear. We would like an easy button to fix our lost adult children, but it doesn't work that way. In fact, if you care more about your son's crisis than he does, that's a good sign he isn't going to change. In the case of our son, he will do just the opposite of anything we hope for and voice to him. Don't be fooled by a big display of emotion and "I'm sorries", as many times they are only sorry they're caught and facing consrquences, not sorry for their lifestyle and it's impact on themselves and others.

    Remember that your son is an adult, and you can't control his choices. If you can find an Al anon group, join, and start putting your own well being as a priority in your life. That's something you can control.

    I hope your son chooses to seek treatment.
     
  6. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you MWM, I take it to heart your words.. they really do make sense and are full of wisdom. I'm thankful your daughter turned her life around, so happy for you. I hate what drugs have done to all the people & their loving parents who are hurting right now, it really saddens me.
     
  7. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you stressbunny. I totally agree, just needed reassurance from people who are going through this. I believe if my son wants to change, he will change in any treatment or like MWM's daughter, no treatment center, just make the decision. I will see what happens and update you all after Tuesday. God willing, he will be released and sent to mandatory long-term residential treatment and change his life once and for all. My poor hubby, was just crying his eyes out yesterday, he can't stand to see his son in jail. My husband is a proud man in a position of authority, this is so opposite from him. But he is a compassionate man, and he expects so much more for his son. It hurts me to see him in this pain and makes me buck up and stand strong for him even though I'm breaking inside.
     
  8. Stress Bunny

    Stress Bunny Active Member

    Love, you didn't cause this. And you're not alone. Tell your hubby that he should not feel ashamed. He is a good man. Addiction knows no profile. It can happen to anyone. I'm also a professional with an advanced degree and public position. I used to feel ashamed, but less so now. Educating myself about addiction, neurological issues, and personality disorders has helped a lot.

    Letting go of the outcome will help. You are strong and have the skills to cope with what comes or doesn't. Focus on your marriage and others in your life who need and love you.
     
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I know how hard it is to have your son in jail... the first time my son was in jail I thought it was the worst thing in the world, but have since discovered having him homeless and on the streets is much much worse.

    In many ways this may be the absolute best thing that could have happened. If the DA is talking rehab that is a really good thing... and really no matter how they get there rehab can help. It may be the first step of many.... but some time in jail may show him where his addiction is leading him and staying out of jail may be a strong motivation to get clean.

    I know as a mom it is awful to see your son in jail... and darn it those visits behind the glass are so awful and awkward. But he has a place to sleep and food to eat and I think they learn how to cope. He knows you love and support him.

    TL


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  10. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Update!! It's truly a miracle! I'm feeling extremely grateful!!! My son's 4 felony charges were dropped to misdemeanor and he was released to us last night with mandatory 6 months drug rehab, and 3 years probation. He is a changed man! He is totally motivated to stay clean (been clean in jail for 11 days). He became a Christian and is seeking God's help in this. That has been my prayer all along. Today he woke up early and said to me, "I don't wanna waste time sleeping, I wanna make sure I get in the treatment program, I never wanna go back to jail". My husband and I are nervous but so happy that he seems changed. It's so amazing that they let him go yesterday and with misdemeanor he may get it expunged (sp?) in 3 years and have a clean record. He has a chance to change his life!! I'm over-the-rainbow happy!! Now I know he could relapse so I am still guarded but I am hopeful and thankful for this second chance. I pray more of us get this kind of news for our children.
     
  11. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    We put our daugh in a $6000/mo rehab when she was 20-21. Good for a cpl of years, then relapsed, this time as a mom. She is now in a court ordered rehab at 30. I would do your insurance. In my mind, sometimes the extra $$ goes to luxuries, not the basic prog. We have no retirement now, but would do the same again IF we didnt know what we do now. Otherwise, would be totally harder. Jail became a place of peace for us, NEVER thought I would feel that way. Prayers for you
     
  12. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thanks Terryforvols. I'm sorry to read your story, I really am. And yes, we are using our insured provider, so hope it works!!!
     
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry I just read this. I am glad that he wants to change but be very careful, he is going to need intense rehab to kick he heroin habit. When our daughter was in rehab we were told the average number of relapses was seven before the person got clean for good. And with heroin the risks are soooo high. I am not trying to scare you, just want you to go into this with your eyes open. I have seen many addicts who swore they wanted to stay clean only to relapse over and over. Is the rhab a resdiential one where he cannot just walk out?
     
  14. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hi Nancy,
    Thank you for your repsponse. I do understand that he could relapse and I'm terrified of that happening. He seems super motivated to never go back, but I know it could happen. We are trying to get him in residential through our insurance but this morning they told us there's a waiting list. So now we're freaking out cus we don't want to miss this opportunity and afraid to see him go out and get himself in trouble again. We took away his phone, car & internet access. I wish I knew how to pull some strings to get him in today! It's mandatory per the judge for 6 months residential. I don't believe the rehab will be lock down it's entirely up to him to stay and get treatment. I'm praying for another miracle right now..
     
  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    LMS1, that is good news that the court is ordering this. If he doesn't go and he doesn't stay, he goes to jail. That is a good deterrent, and I hope it works.

    I understand how scared you are right now about all of the logistics. There is not one right answer for all of this. Be open to options, and see what is working out best, for now.

    Breathe deeply, and slow down if you can. I know it is so very hard.

    It's all being taken care of. Our Higher Power (God or whomever you believe in) has it handled.

    Good for you that you took all of those things away. He needs to remain as unencumbered as possible right now.

    Keep us posted, and we are pulling for you. We get it. We care.
     
  16. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you childofmine..
    Telling me to take a deep breath and slow down is something I needed to think about. Hubby too, he's so stressed, he wants his son back more than life itself! Tonight I'm gonna skip my normal routine and my oldest daughter, her darling son & I are gonna spend quality time with my son and I'm gonna make him a delicious dinner and continue to have faith that God is in control. I really, really hope he gets in treatment ASAP. Thanks again for the love & support! I promise to update as things progress.
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As they say in Al-Anon, take one day at a time, one step at a time. Erase your expectations and enjoy the present.

    This is not easy for you or for him, but if you linger in a good moment, it brings a lot of warmth and peace.

    Crossing my fingers, eyes, and toes :) We are all pulling for you and your son.
     
  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    LMS1 - I have become a firm believer that for some kids getting in trouble, and involved in the legal system is the best thing that can happen to them. I think most courts when they are young adults would rather see them in treatment that incarderated. And a small amount of time in jail can be a pretty strong motivator not to go back. I know for my son having a jail sentance hanging over his head is a good thing right now because it does motivate him.... although in his case it took a few times.

    So whose responsibility is it to find the residential treatment for your son? The courts hopefully have someone or some agency that helps make those phone calls and referrals. It should not be all up to you!! Your son may need to do some leg work too.

    My experience is that insurance only pays for 30 days or less of treatment. They are unlikely to pay for 6 months... but at least where we live there are some state run residential programs... and after a while once the guys start working they need to pay some rent.

    Good luck and I am very glad it went the way it did.

    TL


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  19. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    He's in rehab now! Took him last night and it's 100% covered! He was home 2 nights and the 2nd night started to contact old friends. I got nervous and told him not to and he got mad and we has words. It was a wake up call to me to see how fast he changed from being thankful for getting out of jail! I thought of you all and your advice about how every day could change, you're all so right! Will see how treatment goes!
    Day
     
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