I WAS in a good mood today....now this

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Aug 4, 2016.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I just got a call from my son and his therapist from Florida. He has been out of PHP for 3 weeks (after overdosing on Father's Day). Last week she said he was doing good in IOP. Attending 3 sessions a week but no job yet. I still didn't feel he was really ready to make the "big change" to sobriety. I didn't "feel" it. And like many of you have said, I'll just know.

    Today I was told he has failed 2 alcohol tests. Last week he said it was due to cough medicine he is taking for bronchitis. They told him if he failed again that was it. This week same. She said they allow a level of 500 (whatever that means) and he is at over 700.

    He swears he did not drink. They say he either goes back to PHP house OR he has to leave there. I told him they are not idiots.

    I told him to go back to PHP but he says he's done and do I know how many places that there are there "like this"?

    I told him to call his dad and discuss with him. He said dad will tell him to go back to PHP. Same thing I told him. I told him that he has spent many of his last 5 birthdays in places like that and I'm done and sick of it all and can't deal with it and I hung up. I don't know what he's going to do.

    I called my husband and he said let him be. He has to do handle this and we can't rescue him. I have no intention of doing the latter anyway but I'm so sad.again. I feel like crying or screaming or something!!
  2. karisma

    karisma Member

    I am so sorry for your sadness. I do know what it feels like to have hope and then suffer a setback. You always have such kind and wise words for me, but all I can really offer in return is to let you know I care how you feel
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I think this is pretty normal, considering he is only 20.

    I mean, they know everything at that age, right?

    I'm glad your hubby is on the same page as you are. Makes things so much easier.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thanks ladies.
    My husband reminded me that he is in Florida and isn't walking out of places into our house and doing the bad stuff he was doing to us when he was using. He told me that I have to roll with this and not take everything he does so hard.

    He is almost 21 and has to figure this out on his own. He has to learn everything the hard way.

    All our friends kids are graduation from college or going to college on scholarships - I swear like every single one. I know we've talked about this on the forum. He can't even get through THIS. Because he isn't ready to change. I know that in my gut. I am always right unfortunately when it comes to him. Until he is ready he is going to suffer and I am going to suffer.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My step-sons are like that.

    Have to learn everything the hard way.

    The oldest is slowly starting to get it. A little bit.

    We had to let go and let him make his own mistakes before he could learn from them.
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I know. I need to take my owned damned advice!

    He isn't bothering me so that is good. I told him to go to a shelter. I honestly think this kid has to hit rock bottom because I think some people just do for some reason. I never thought I'd get to the point where I tell my son to go to a shelter.

    Thank God for my husband to remind me of the good in all of this and that it could be worse. (Really?)
  7. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Just hugs, RN! I've been where you are as far as the knowing in your gut. And taking things he does so hard. And the heartache and the worry and the self-bargaining and the look-on-the-Brightside and detach lessons and ugh!!

    HUGS to you my sister.
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Remember that song Frank Sinatra sang-- I Did It My Way....
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry RN. I hated those calls from the treatment houses. My daughter failed two drug tests for pot, she swore she didn't use it, I didn't believe her and they kicked her out. I got so many calls, checking to see if she was with on on her day pass (she wasn't), telling us she isn't participating not following the rules, flunking drug tests.

    I agree he has to figure this out himself but I sure know how you are feeling right now.
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    RN...your always so supportive. Been there, got the T-shirt.

    The fight is so hard from their side, they have to want it. Until this last lapse, I'm not sure my son understood the fight. He seems to have a new outlook. We pray it stays.

    I can't say your son needs to hit "rock bottom", every journey is different. No story is the same, like snowflakes.

    Unfortunately we are powerless, and that is the crux of it. Our love only goes so far....they have to do it. I wonder how many stupid things must they do? The lying is what gets me....just say you drank a bottle of something and you feel something.

    My heart, my tears and frustration is with you.
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    He texted me that he is in a new place and his house manager helped him get there. He said he passed the drug test there so he didn't do anything wrong. I said "the alcohol wore off".

    After long pause he said "I'm 20 do you seriously think I'll never drink as long as I live"? So there you have it.

    Anyway he can talk to his dad. I'm going out for a late birthday celebration with a girlfriend. Hope to take the night off of this drama I've suffered today.
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  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh RN I have been there so many times. My son has been in several parts of the country including Florida! So the good thing is that if he does end up homeless for awhile it is warm there even at night. At one point my son was kicked out of a place there and allowed back if he stayed clean for a week....and he slept on the beach for a week. Sounds like your son managed to get into another place. So stay guarded and know he is probably lying. And do whatever you need to do for you. I hope you can relax with your friend tonight knowing your son is safe. He does have to figure this out.

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  13. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    RN... Hugs to your hurting heart... So glad you are going out with some friends.

    I hear you... I too feel like ALL my friends kids are doing great... It feels so lonely sometimes. I see other young people his age, who are clean and seem happy and I wonder why my kid is so unhappy....

    I don't go longer than a few hours without thinking of him. He hadn't been to the house even once this week.... I guess after the big confrontation of last Friday we all need the break.

    I do know how hard it is. I know how frustrated you are, and how hurt. I wish we all lived closer so we could have our own " hurting hearts" club ;)

    I don't like going on about it too much... It can get all consuming. I'm glad you have friends you can talk to. I have some too, but I get tired of being the downer.

    Take care and keep us posted!
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  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    On the bright side . . . look at how resourceful he is. He managed to find himself a new place to live without your help.

    It always amazes me how resourceful our kids can be. My therapist would point that out to me time and time again. My daughter always managed to land on her feet when we refused to rescue her.

    I can't even count the number of times my daughter swore that the drug/alcohol tests were wrong. Of course, she was always lying.

    Stay strong and let him figure this out himself. I agree, though, that he doesn't sound like he is interested in being sober.

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  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I do think they need to hit rock bottom, moffie, but I also think rock bottom is different for everyone. For my daughter the thought of being homeless scared her so much that she quit so that it didnt happen. Where she lived, one lit cigarette and she would have been gone. So she even quit those.

    I have since come to think that drug of choice also matters. I believe meth, as awful as it is, is easier to quit than heroin. My daughters favorite drug was meth. She quit without going to a rehab.
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  16. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I agree...the kid that would drag their feet to call for a dental appointment, can hustle a place to stay and their next fix.

    I see all the normal scholarship going kids too..but God has a plan for him...a different path. I also have to look at my twins, the " normal" ones....can't ignore their success.

    I joined a walking group...trying to be social with people who don t need to know about him. Trying to be just me...He is always with me, but can't define me.

    Would love to sit in a room with all of you....I talk less about him now, I refuse to be the needy friend. So thanks for letting me whine here!

    Leaving my phone at home,
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  17. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Awe RN I'm so very sorry. I know how much that has affected your mood and caused you worry. Sounds like he worked things out on his own. You stood your ground, you should be very proud of yourself. I'm so glad you are going out with a friend, hope you relax and have a good time.
    Your son obviously thinks that he can handle drinking and maybe he can without resorting to other drugs but he knew the rules . I'd say it is a bad thought to think I'm 20 and I can never have a drink again.
    I know exactly what you mean about others children being so successful. I just sat with 2 ladies at a baby shower that each have 2 sons who went to school with my son. They are all graduated from college and starting careers, they were bragging about them while I sat there thinking please don't ask me about my son and they didn't ask. We live in a small town so I'm sure they have both heard. Sure makes me feel isolated.
    Sounds like you have a very supportive husband who gives you good advice. Sending you hugs
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    RN. This infuriates me. But on the other hand what else would a cocky, arrogant 20 year old male say? On the other hand maybe he is really frightened and defensive. Maybe he is beginning to see just how addicted he is and fear that he does not have what it takes to quit (false).

    He is very, very young. I really do feel for him. He is so out of his league having to deal with a problem like this.

    This is where detachment comes in. Because any mother along for the ride with a son with these kinds of attitudes (denial, fear, hanging on to what he thinks any young 20 year old male would want, and want to do) would feel both desperate and berserk.

    So the summary statement is I really feel for him and for you a whole lot. And I am very, very impressed he found the new treatment program. He did not have to. He really did not.

    He is walking the walk, even though he might be mouthing off the whole way. It is the walk that counts.
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  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    You are all so wonderful!!! I can't tell you how I rush to my computer to open this forum every morning and especially when I have posted something in despair. I must confess...I am addicted.

    I so agree with everything and I appreciate the support and yes I wish we could all meet and talk and cry together.

    I was so tired after my dinner last night from the emotional drain yesterday. I felt like I climbed Mt. Everest!

    My son texted that his house manager helped him find a new place in Boynton Beach. He texted last night and said he is "glad for a change of scenery and was getting sick of other place". That sounds so immature. He said that as usual, everyone there is older than him. I told him I prayed that he would not end up like them and that it was sad. I told him to please not be a lost soul. Oh I hate the sound of that but that's what these addicts are to me.

    He texted his dad while I was at dinner that he was with Anna and his dad sent him $20 to go to Walmart for food.

    My husband doesn't want to talk about it much. Men can be like that it seems. I understand though. I know he has a place to stay now so am trying not to worry. He texted they have IOP there and therapist so similar to where he was and he said house is nicer. I saw last one and it was very nice.

    I have no clue if we're doing the right thing or not. Like I said I doubt it makes much difference in the grand scheme of things. His rock bottom also is being homeless. His car is at the other place he was at and they have the keys. My husband doesn't seem worried about it which is very odd so I'm not either.

    I am going to take a step back emotionally to where I was and put it in God's hands.
  20. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    RN, hugs and peace to you for the weekend.
    So cry and scream and something, get it out and be done with it for now (and tell husband I think he's right :thumbsup:).

    ***encounter with our son about 3 mo. ago---he comes to our home to "visit", seemingly impaired but who can tell anymore, and looking for sympathy due to pretty serious laceration to his hand in a bar fight-we act mildly interested, only saying "I'm sure it will heal", without asking any questions. We did say We love you, be careful, as he left. He yells from car while driving away "You guys just don't know how to have fun" He's 29.
    Translation: "you guys just don't know how to have fun" either. What losers we are, right? It's a shame we can't meet for dinner tonight! I'd love to laugh and cry with you.
    Again and again. I never give up hope but today I choose joy. It is a choice. Sometimes I think my husband gets the worst of it-he not only has to deal with son and all that entails but he has to deal with crazy me dealing poorly with son. What a hot mess.
    Try to have a restful weekend, you both so deserve it. Prayers.
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