I will not let her ruin my Thanksgiving mood!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Nov 24, 2010.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Teenage girls (easy child or difficult child) really know how to cut deep with their words. easy child/difficult child has been in one of her difficult child moods for several days now. We left her alone this past weekend because she has always been really good about being home before. Now that won't happen for awhile. She had a few friends over and lied about it. We found out because she had 3 chairs on the deck in a semicircle that weren't that way when we left.

    She said there were only a 3 kids and nothing other then the kids (not easy child/difficult child) were smoking on the deck. She does have a lot of friends who smoke but I really believe she doesn't because I think it would be too hard to hide it and she never smells of smoke.

    We were really hurt by the fact that she lied, not so much by the fact she had friends over. She just doesn't get the whole trust thing so we won't be leaving her home alone for awhile. Of course, she doesn't understand that. REALLY?

    Since then things have really been building up with her. She was supposed to have cleaned while we were gone and did but minimally, not at all like she asked. She also isn't doing all of her hw again and was angry when we talked with her about it last night. Not so much that husband did but that I joined in because she knows how to just be passive aggressive with him and not say anything but she wasn't happy that we added in consequences so, of course, I was the bad one.

    This all leads up to tonight when she was suppose to be cleaning the basement. She did vacuum and dust and set up the air mattress. However, we had asked her to do more (mind you she also took an hour and a half break to watch some cartoon movie). I finally said I would do the rest. She accused me of wanting it to neat and that it didn't really matter. She said other people's house are not always super clean when we go to them (believe me ours is far from perfect). She was screaming at me and demanding to know why I wanted certain things put away when it was mainly just the little kids that would be playing down there. I told her and she continued to hammer away so I just finally that it was the way Dad and I want it and so we didn't really need to explain it.

    She accused me of being fake and always acting like we have the perfect family. I told her nothing could be further from the truth and that if she believed that she really didn't know me. She screamed good because she didn't want to know me. That after saying some really mean things yesterday as well.

    I'm trying to build up my rhino skin but I tell you she really knows how to cut into it and drain the fun out of everything. I've so been looking forward to Thanksgiving and everyone coming (we have 14 guests coming so there will be 18 of us in all. I love when husband's family is here; we have a lot of fun, hang out, watch movies, play games and all of the little great nieces and nephews are a hoot.

    I keep telling myself I am not going to let her ruin this day for husband and me! Still, I wish it didn't hurt so much. difficult child or not, she is on my every last nerve right now. Sometimes she makes me want to say things but I won't because I'm the adult and don't want to hurt her (of course, I do by just being me according to her) but, oh, the temptation is there!

    Thanks for listening, need to vent before I said something to her I would regret later!!
  2. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    They sure do know how to slash at us. easy child recently yelled at me that it was all my fault that her brothers did drugs. Sure must be nice to have someone on whom they can blame all their problems!

    Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Sharon. I remember a time I'd had quite enough of Miss KT's antics, and I DID tell her exactly what I thought about it. She was shocked. It didn't help the situation, true, but at least she knew she wasn't operating in a bubble, that her words and actions affected others.
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Don't let her mood ruin your day. If you have no expectations, you won't be let down! I'm sure that husband's family members will kick in to help you do what is needed as the day progresses. Don't ask easy child/difficult child to do anything. Don't engage at all if don't have to. I'm not saying be mean, just don't engage. I think that way you can enjoy what you have - a day of family - no matter their mood.

    Happy Turkey Day!

  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Something she's doing (in common with a lot of passive-aggressives) is trying to constantly deflect you from the issues. Forget about the hurt (or try to) and focus on your aim in each task. Example - your aim is to have the basement the way YOU want it. It's YOUR basement, she only lives there. But living there means certain responsibilities. If yo uwant to be able to do the white glove treatment, it's your choice.

    Her comment I quoted above - she said you acted like you have the perfect family, and you called her on it. But by making that claim, she has deflected you. You replied, because she was successful in deflecting you. You let her get off topic. Try to keep your focus at all times. With hindsight, you need to be able to say, "whether I pretend we are perfect or not is off topic. We will talk about that later. It makes no difference to my request."

    As for "good, I don't really want to know you," you get back on topic with, "It doesn't matter what you want to know or not. You were given a task to complete. And deliberatelty choosing to say mean things does not change that fact."

    Feel free to add, "Deliberately choosing to say nasty things does absolutely nothing to get you out of this task. All it does do, is prove how immature you really are behaving, and make it far less likely that we will relent any time soon on allowing you more freedoms. So keep it up - adolescent controls can last indefinitely. Now clean the basement like you were asked."

    Even if you fall back on merely repeating over and over, your main instruction - you have to force her to stay on topic and not let her deflect. That nastiness is not acceptable, but letting her get away with it (by even answering it) is not good.

  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Don't count on that. My mom was blind with a SHARP sense of smell, and I hid it for quite a while from her by smoking outside and keeping a can of Lysol nearby. I'd spray it in the air and walk through the mist before I went back inside. Bet it works even better with FeBreze, which wasn't available then. The only times she did catch it was when I had friends over that also smoked (outside of course). Keep the wind in your favor and some Lysol and mouthwash near the back door, I got away with it for years.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Wiped out.

    Have you ever thought of asking HER what HER definition of the perfect family is - and when she gives her answers ask her WHY she thinks THAT is the definition of PERFECTION?

    I would then stay away from cliche's like "There is no such thing as perfect." I would however want to know where she gets her perceptions from. Then ask for a chance to have an adult conversation as to WHY you feel certain things need to be done a certain way, but would be OPEN to a compromise on a few things if it would help you both get a long.

    Maybe this style of open communication would be a beginning to her feeling her opinions were valuable to you and she had a place in the world. A lot of times I was too quick to dismiss Dudes thoughts or opinions of how things could be done thinking it's my house, I'll do it my way, I'm the adult I've earned the right. Would have been a lot easier to be open to listening to his views and saying I'd be willing to compromise on a couple things if he would. Saved the peace a few times and of course it takes practice. Don't expect her to jump right at the option. They renig, a lot. You have to keep reminding them - that they did make that grown up deal to be respected and seen as a more grown up person working on getting more of their own responsibilities and freedoms in your home.

    As far as cutting words? Ahhh well nothing takes the sting out of a child you do and do and do and do for only to have them shoot nails at you and walk away with that smirk of justification. I would just keep in my head when I could that this was an immature brain, spouting immature language, and that the wording - while hurtful STILL depended on me for food, shelter, clothing and despite all the venom? Came back under MY roof every night ate my cereal, watched MY TV, slept in a bed I provided, in pajamas I bought, on top of sheets I purchased, in a room where I paid for the carpeting, lights, heat, and even the poster tac on the wall....Breaking it down to even the door knob screws? Kinda kept it in perspective - didn't take the sting out - but really? You provide WHAT for ME and you have such a mouth - Should I choose to TAKE AWAY the door know screws, the door knob, the door, the hinges, the hinge screws, the door frame - the room, the carpet, the bed, the frame, the ------you get my drift? WHAT would you do for even so much as a place to sleep? So go ahead and spout your ugliness you ungrateful brat - but in the end - you still crawl back to MOMMY and sniffle around in MY kitchen in MY home for a crust of bread to fill your ungrateful tummy - don't you? So WHO needs WHOM? Then i walked away knowing I really could be the more superior person for the moment and kept my trap shut - mostly. Sometimes I would offer "Cereal? Bread?" after he had been especially ugly. Somehow it made me feel - Bigger. mwah hahahahahaha.

    Enjoy the day........then toss bread.
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I've got an ad from that show Parenthood I ripped out of a magazine back when they were first advertising the show. It says "Hearing 'I hate you' and knowing you're doing something right." I keep it on the fridge to remind myself, and tell myself that since kiddo takes everything so literal, this must be what she means when she says it. ;)
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ThreeShadows-I agree that it must be nice to have someone to blame for all your problems!

    Mary-Thanks for the hugs and understanding.

    Sharon-Thanks for the good advice. I didn't engage with her, didn't ask for help and have totally enjoyed being with family today!

    Marg-Good ideas which I will definitely try to put into practice. She is good at deflecting and I'm, unfortunately, good at getting engaged.

    HaoZi-I know she could try to hide it and may be. I don't think so though because she isn't the type to try and hide it and has always been proud that she doesn't smoke or drink.

    Star-Good thoughts. I do try to engage her opinion at times but probably not enough. She just is so unwilling to do any type of work that it drives husband and I both bonkers. I love the way you look at how dependent our kiddos truly are. It really made me smile tonight-and is so true!

    HaoZi-I've seen that too and should have it as my mantra-lol.

    Today was really nice. easy child/difficult child was a pita but eventually came around somewhat and is watching t.v. with us right now. She mostly slept in her room most of the day. The rest of us totally enjoyed the day including difficult child.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    DF's thought - (after thought really) so I'll add it for you -

    GIVE HER LOTS AND LOTS OF TURKEY and let the ltryptophan work it's miracle. :tongue:
  11. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    That's good that she doesn't. I sure wish I'd never started!
  12. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member


    I'm glad you enjoyed your day! I did too. I did up the whole dinner with turkey and all the side dishes, and we had some company.

    Last year when gfg17 was so sick, I could barely bring myself to pour a bottle of Coke over a spiral-cut ham and shove it into the oven, then went back to bed while it was baking.

    Good your daughter slept all day. Kept her out of your hair. Maybe she is still depressed, some typical teen, who knows. So glad to hear your ds had a good time.

    I liked the tip you got about the tryptophan -- I think it will work! I was so groggy at work today, I dropped things repeatedly and spilled coffee down the front of my shirt -- flavored instant Starbuck's, so I smelled quite strongly of vanilla coffee. Pretty gross.

    On to Christmas, right? Gulp. At least we'll be in good company. I'll send you my recipe for ham if you need it (pour Coke over ham, put in oven, go back to bed:sick:)

  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star-lol about df's tip-love it!!!!!

    HaoZi-I'm glad she doesn't (at least I'm hoping so).

    Jo-I may have to try that ham recipe-hopefully things will be calm here for Christmas but that may be asking for a Christmas miracle!
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    Sharon sorry to come on late but I had to add my two cents. You truly are on of my role models when it comes to parenting difficult kids. It's hard to keep giving and giving, holding your tongue and doing what is best for your kids despite their deep resistance and at times hostility. I hope you can give yourself the credit that they can't. We all see it and you are amazing.

    Manster alternates between telling me I'm the best mom ever and the worst, hates me, etc... about hmmm a half dozen times a day. Every time I come out with that "no" word.

    Love you. ML