I have sometimes had to say, "difficult child 3 is working right now. I'm not free to talk, I need to help him." I then suggest an alternate activity for them to try in the meantime. "Why don't you go for a walk along the beach for a while? We'll join you when we're done here."
But I will make it clear, difficult child 3's work comes first.
Mind you, when people turn up that alone can disrupt him to the point where he will have difficulty getting back to work. Often a relative has said, "Why worry? Look - he's not working now!"
That's when I want to scream!
difficult child 3 had to do a Maths exam a month ago, right before difficult child 1's wedding. I had to hang a sign on the door saying, "Exam in Progress. Do not disturb. Even if you live here."
I really do understand the problem of the slightest disruption in routine blowing everything out of the water. What frustrates me on top of this is the attitude I get from some family members' It's technically, "Oh, I'm sorry," but they proceed in anyway and if I show the slightest annoyance the attitude is a a joking exaggerated "I'm a naughty person, aren't I? Mummy smack," to which ANY further expression of annoyance makes me seem to be the bad guy with no sense of humour (because 'how can you be angry with someone who is so cute?' I think is how we're supposed to think. Trust me, I can!)
It's passive aggressive. AND that REALLY steams me up. I won't stand for it.
Example of passive aggressive - family wanting to come visit us for Christmas. it involves a long plane flight. Tickets are booked and paid for. They didn't come for the wedding because they didn't want to make two trips. They complained about the wedding date being so awkward for them, but there was no way we could change it. They still complained. I don't know what they wanted us to do about it.
Now we hear that the man of the house wants to stay home and not come. This makes his wife say, "Maybe I won't come either," because she knows he will telephone her constantly from home asking her to cut her holiday short because he's lonely, and prevent HER enjoying her holiday.
mother in law was talking to them on the phone. The wife turned to the husband. "Have you decided to stay or come with us?" she asked him. he shrugged. No other answer.
THAT is passive-aggressive. And that bloke had better be darn glad he's not married to me. I wouldn't stand for it. He needs his wife to stand up to him and make HIM make a decision and stick to it. it requires firmness and follow-through. Without it, he continues this bad behaviour. With it, he will eventually learn to play ball (or the door's thataway, bub).
passive-aggressive can be handled in two ways -
1) Play along, sympathise, bend over backwards to placate. DO NOT DO THIS, it only encourages them to do this again.
2) Ignore them, do not buy into their drama. Tell them if they are being a nuisance. Do not let them guilt you in any way, in order to make you back down. Stand your ground, force a decision, make it clear it is THEIR choice and make them stick to it or shut up.
Homework is important. Anyone else trying to impose their point of view in your home - sorry, in your own home your word should be law.
"I don't know why you're fussing, there's nothing wrong with your kid," is NOT something I will accept. I won't be rude about it (not immediately, anyway) but I will say, "I live with this. You don't. We have developed our own methods which work for us. This MUST rely on a strict routine in order to work effectively. I will be the one to pay for any disruption to this. Trust me on this."
Failure to "trust me on this" I will take as a clear, obvious loss of confidence in trusting me. Therefore I feel free to call them and say so. Again, I stay polite.
It takes effort and courage. I usually try to control my anger and channel it into courage.
Not easy. But worth the effort if you can pull it off.
Marg
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