I wonder how long difficult child will procrastinate

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by KFld, Jan 4, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    difficult child still not putting to much effort into finding out if this baby is his and the time is going on :frown:
    I think he's finding it easier to not know. If the baby isn't his, he'll be mad, if it is, then he'll be responsible financially and I don't think he's ready to face that. In the meantime the baby is 2 months old and I haven't seen her yet.

    Wonder how old she is going to be before we actually find out????? :confused:
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This has got to be killing you!

    I know I finally decided to just take Corys lead on whether he felt Keyana was his about 2 months in. Supposedly the mother had some other guy tested and it showed she wasnt his kid. Not the most reliable method of saying who the father is if you ask me, but Cory is named on the birth certificate and he wants her to be his, so we accept the baby as his child. At this point she is.

    If your son is not going to get tested, and I would imagine that social services will be requiring it if the baby gets any welfare, then there isnt much you can decide to do except decide what you can handle for yourself. You could try thinking of the baby as part of the family simply because your son seems to want to be with wingnut and therefore he will be in this childs life. Even if she isnt biologically yours, she would still be a grandchild of a sort if they stay together.

    This isnt easy and I fully understand your feelings. Cory is convinced we are more excited about Jamies baby than we were his. I dont think thats true at all but I do have the comfort of knowing without a doubt that jamie is the babys father.
     
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I really won't let my guard down as far as wingnut goes unless this is his baby. If he is going to choose to stay with her even if it's not and continue a relationship, then that will be his choice and I have accepted that, but I cannot accept her into my life unless this baby is really his.
    I have learned I can have a relationship with difficult child, and a good one, without having one with wingnut. I know if this baby is his, that will change, but if it's not he can have a relationship with this baby and her without me having one with them.
    I don't mean to sound cold and cruel, but I can't help the way I feel about her.
    Even this past weekend I was starting to think, maybe she has changed and I can try to accept her again, but she once again proved that she has no boundaries and no respect for me or my family. I picked difficult child up and provided him a ride home for New Years eve so he could spend the night at her house and he wanted to come spend some time with his father and I first, but she made it totally annoying to have him even be at our house for an hour. She called his cell phone every 5 seconds screaming at him that he should have come straight to see her and not us and when he finally shut his phone off after 4 or 5 calls, she had her friend call our house. My husband said to him, how can you communicate with someone like that and his answer was, I got used to it after 4 years. The only thing I said to him was that if he's not allowed to see us when I take my time to pick him up then he needs to find his own transportation to her house and come see us when she doesn't know he's here. Then I told him to get in the shower so I could hurry up and drop him off before she called the house screaming at him again. The next day he called and asked if he could come home for dinner before I brought him home, which he did and for some reason she didn't call once, but I think it's because he told her he was going straight home and not to our house.
    You would think she would appreciate the fact that I'm providing him a ride to see her, but she has no boundaries and thinks he shouldn't have to spend some time with us in the process.
     
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Oy! I'm glad I'm not in your position! It seems there is nothing you can do about her, or about what he chooses to do with/about her, either.

    Do you think that perhaps the next time he asks for a ride and plans to spend time with you that you could get him to tell her you are coming and hour or so later so that you can have an hour or so with him without her interrupting all the time?

    She's a wingnut, and I doubt that she will ever change. I don't think you sound cold and cruel at all. Stuck between a rock and a hard place? Yep.
     
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That is exactly what I told him he needs to do, not tell her he is coming until he is done spending some time with us. The sad thing is, after all these years, he actually wants to come spend time with his father because they are enjoying this gas remote control car hobbie together that they used to enjoy years ago, but it becomes very stressful when she's calling every two seconds and then my husband doesn't even want to spend the time with him. I've learned to keep my mouth shut, but husband hasn't when it comes to her
     
  6. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    You would think that with that issue alone he would see how loopy she is. Why should anyone have to LIE to the person that they love for ANY reason let alone something as natural and simple as spending an hour or two with your family. This girl has HUGE security issues. From what I remember she is the one who has cheated on difficult child not the other way around, so basically she is insecure thinking that difficult child will do to her what she has done to him. You would also think that she would see that and realize that she has huge double standards. I actually feel sorry for this girl that she is living her life like this, if she only knew how real love felt she would never do this to difficult child. Poor girl.

    Grace
     
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Grace, I stopped trying to figure the two of them out long ago. I can only choose to not be involved. I know I would never want to be in such an untrusting relationship. There is absoluteley no trust or respect between the two of them.
     
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    so sorry you are still in limbo with this issue. -RM
     
  9. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Just wanted you to know I was reading along too, Karen.

    I have no advice.

    I don't know how I would handle it, if I were in your situation.

    Keep posting about it.

    Posting and posting about the things that bother me has kept me responding to whatever the situation is from my better self time and again.

    Who is it who says that? Frankl? About how we have no control over the situation, only our own responses to it?

    Remebering the stages of grief used to help me cope with my own feelings sometimes, too.

    Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance?

    Is that how they go?

    There are always those days when it does not seem like we will make it through.

    You will, Karen.

    You can do this.

    Barbara
     
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Definitely grab hold of your literature and hang on for dear life. :biggrin:

    Yesterday, Karen, if I had not been reading my "courage to change" book, highlighting the poignant messeges I was "getting" (while waiting in the distant parking lot) I would SO not have been ready for what I was about to face with young difficult child after his last probation appointment. Man was I glad I was armed. LOL

    hugs and caring thoughts,
    lovemysons
     
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