I wonder why I keep trying...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Nov 2, 2011.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Last night, difficult child was in such a mood. Came to our bedroom after bedtime and "unloaded" on us for at least an hour. All the previous hurts and disappointments and everything we do wrong. She informed us that we shouldn't give our normal offering to church and so we can spend it on things she wants to do or have. That it is just a waste of money. She thought sitting down to a homecooked meal as a family and eating together was too rigid. Wants to take her meal to her room and listen to music and eat by herself. She doesn't have friends at school, doesn't enjoy the kids at church, and I can tell she isn't charming at home either. So I know that we, school and church are not the problem... but of course, she feels like it is. I can't help it that her little sister enjoys school, has friends and activities that don't include difficult child. She was mad that husband and I went out for breakfast once this week (first time since school started!) and didn't do it on a weekend when she could come.

    We are seeing a therapist and a ARNP. The ARNP lowered the medication she was on as it didn't seem helpful after increasing, and she was tired and cried often. She was on Seroquel XR 150mg in the evening. Now back to 100mg. Oh, and she has gained 9 pounds in 6 weeks on the medications. She has such an appetite and can't seem to get enough to eat. She has only been on Seroqel for abbout 7 weeks and the ARNP said it takes 6 weeks to get to treatment level. We have seen the neuropsychologist once (without J) and are waiting for further testing to get appoved by insurance.

    I am going to NAMI classes and trying to learn how to respond better. In the past - I would lose my temper when she would lose hers. I have really been trying. Not sure what I can do. I know she is unhappy, but I also know that buying her things won't make her happy for long. We don't have an unlimited budget as husband and I retired after adopting her and her sister (our granddaughters) But we aren't complete fuddy duddies either. We took them on a cruise earlier this year. We have a decent house/cars/food probably because we make good choices, not because we make or have a lot of money and get all that we want. But, we have all that we need. I feel that we provide pretty well for them. Last week at the therapists, she complained that she has to wear the same 15 tops all the time! HUH??? I guess she thinks she shouldn't have to repeat clothing at school for a couple months at a time!

    Also, we have a foreign exchange student living with us this year that difficult child really likes. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but I think she will be here for the school year. She is our 13th exchange student... but the 2nd one that has lived with us since we adopted the girls. But she kind of dominates DFES time and tries to push little sis out of the picture so she has more one on one time with DFES. I guess difficult child is really emotionally needy.

    So what do you guys do when your difficult child keeps complaining about how life isn't fair? I am just so tired of being unappreciated and being treated disrespectfully. Thanks for letting me vent.... KSM
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I know this is hard. At first I usually point out all the things difficult child 1 DOES have and get to do. That's when I am in "reaction" mode. When I actually think before I speak, I have to remind myself that he's really not upset about the things he's complaining about. I simply validate his feelings and let him vent while "digging" for the real cause of the sudden complaining.

    I can so relate. {{{{(((HUGS))))}}}}
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    me too, more {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I can relate. difficult child lately has been on this kick where everything is unfair. easy child gets more than he does. No one loves him, but if we bought him everything that he wanted we could "prove" that we love him. And I agree that it is VERY frustrating because there is only so much that you can do.

    Why does she feel that sitting down together as a family is too rigid? Does it bother her that she has to share dinner time with easy child and it's not just you and husband at the table with her, having her undivided attention? We had a problem with difficult child like that. It got to the point where he refused to sit at the table and would rather go without dinner. I told him that if chose not to eat dinner that was his issue, but that dinner time was family time and he was expected to sit at the table with the rest of tha family. Eventually he dropped his demand that it just be him and me at the table and when he was forced to sit at the table, he did eat.

    I have asked that same question myself. Why the heck am I even trying when it never seems to get better? Hang in there.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I tried to respond in the way that we practiced at the NAMI meeting last week - called "landing on the same run way" So if your difficult child "takes off" on one run way... you land it on the same runway. The example they gave was a little far fetched per our situation, but if difficult child says "Someone is trying to poison my food" then you could say "it must be very scarey thinking that your food might be poisoned" Or if they say "everyone hates me" then you could say "you must feel pretty alone right now". While it sounds logical, it is hard to do when a 13 yo girl is saying "I have nothing to wear" and the room and closet is over flowing with clothes. KSM
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member


    I have been told by a friend of mine (fellow difficult child parent, really need to tell her about this board) to go to nami meetings with her. she really feels they are supportive. I just haven't looked into it. I wonder if the meetings would be when I have Integrated Listening Systems (ILS), no other way for me to go unless they have a place for kids. I would doubt that since the kids likely have some pretty intensive problems.
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    KSM, that was a way of answering that I never thought of. When difficult child says "no one loves me" my reaction to say "that's not true". Maybe if I answer it that way he will understand that I am trying to listen and help. But I do agree. That is probably tough to do every time.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I know it helped keep some things from escalating by not the obvious... you you do have people who love you, yes you do have an adequate amount of name brand clothing. When she is in this mode, I know that I can't be logicalwith her. It doesn't work! Then we have two people who are just yelling at each other.

    I had never heard of NAMI classes, until our church hosted the organization - so it was in our newsletter. Since this was right after I heard the "poss bipolar diagnosis" I was scared and went. It started out as a group of 18... but about 14 of us are still in there. All but one person was a parent of a person with mental illness... and the majority had adult children, which sounds much harder to deal with as you have no rights to know if they are taking their medications or showing up for appointments. At least I am still in the loop.

    The two people teaching the class have adult children who was diagnosis as schizophrenic as late teens. So they understand our frustrations. Check out the NAMI site to see if there are meetings near you. The classes I go to are from 7 to 9pm once a week for 12 weeks. We are on week 9 - but I missed a couple when I had shoulder surgery. KSM
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Take the surface stuff... as a warning that there is more going on below the surface.
    Depression and anxiety are huge - and often missed. These are not taken seriously.
    But even these may well not be the root cause...
    There can be all sorts of other issues - yes, plural, often its more than one - that are not known and are not being dealt with.

    Unless/until you can get to the bottom of these, the real problems can't be addressed... so, the "secondary" issues just keep growing.

    in my opinion... (with 2 teens in our house...) Teens and tweens not wanting to be with family at home is a major red flag. (not wanting to be with family in public is... depending on the kid, quite normal). When a child is not secure and well attached at home, "stuff" becomes the way they fill the void inside. It doesn't work - so they always need more. Its a downward spiral.

    WHY? That is the question.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Had to go back up and read your sig, ksm...
    Chances of shaky attachment... are fairly likely.
    Not that it isn't that PLUS whatever else. But... somehow - how to build/re-build the relationship?
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The WHY... I think I know, but nothing I can do to change the past. When your bio mom doesn't know who your birth father is... when the biomom didn't do the necessary work to get you out of foster care...when she chooses drugs and alcohol instead of her children... when your bio mom missed 50% of your scheduled visitations... when your biomom fails to even call in 3 to 4 months... then you must be pretty worthless if your own mom doesn't want to see you.

    That is the big WHY... but we can't seem to assure her enough that she is loved and wanted. She feels that since we are not her "bio grandparents" then we must not love her as much. KSM
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When my boys always told me life wasnt fair, I always told them they were exactly right. Life wasnt fair, the fair was a bunch of rides and exhibits. That isnt real life. Get over it.
  13. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    That works for most of us... but it doesn't work for my difficult child. It only makes things worse if I say something like that. I have tried to reassure her that middle school/high school will just be a small portion of her life, and things that seem major now will seem like nothing later. But I know that me saying that doesn't even help much... KSM
  14. keista

    keista New Member

    If life were fair, all the nice ppl would be rich and good looking, and all the mean ppl would be ugly and broke. <~~~~That's what I tell my kids. It puts a logical explanation to the fact that life truly is NOT fair.
  15. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    My friend describes her difficult child as having a sieve (sp?). She can fill difficult child up with assurances, love, material things, but it always runs out and she needs more. We just need to find the right 'stopper'. Sending good thoughts your way.


    Ma 40ish, married 21 years to
    Pa, 40ish Type I Diabetes
    PCDDMary, 18, away at college and our sunshine
    difficult child Halfpint, 15 (as of just last week) no diagnosis yet but breaking our hearts.
  16. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I guess I do the 'landing on the same runway' thing with difficult child 1. For example, he kicked a kid today. He had all sorts of reasons (that are valid only in his mind) of why that kid NEEDED to be kicked. Instead of argue about the validity of his reasons I take the stance that even if the kid did all those awful things you still don't kick him. When I'm not landing on the same run way is when I'm trying to point out he is having a hallucination. Doesn't always work.

    Didn't have a name for it before. Thanks for posting this.
  17. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Hi KSM. Sorry your daughter is ungrateful and that her eyes can't look past herself. My difficult child 1 is like this. When my kids were little they tossed their toys everywhere. I gave them lectures about gratefulness, etc., but it didn't click in their heads. I found a video of enslaved children in India, which made me cry and made my PCs think about about their situation. The difficult children? Nothing. I think difficult children in general are very egocentric, so it is really hard to get them to think objectively about themselves. It's all them all the time.

    I understand how you feel that way. It can be overwhelming when you have so many clothes to pick from.

    When my kids are upset with me, I always think about what Roseanne Barr said in her comedy routine: If your kids hate you, you know you are doing your job. :)
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I will remember to try and quote this one later! Thanks! KSM
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Luckily, I have never had to deal with difficult child having hallucinations... just visions of grandeur! LOL. KSM
  20. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I would agree with that whole heartedly. When the attention is on someone else he whines and cries that he's not feeling important in the family. I have tried and tried to get him to understand that it's not that he's not important, because he's always important. But sometimes other things become a higher priority. He doesn't get it. I'm starting to wonder if he ever will