I wonder

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mstang67chic, Jan 24, 2009.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    After reading some recent posts, I've been thinking. When we have kids under the age of 18 or even over 18 who aren't capable of living on their own.....what do you do when they absolutely, positively REFUSE to follow the most basic of house rules?

    These are the ones who aren't violent but just don't feel as if they have to do anything other than what THEY want to do and to heck with consequences. They just don't care. What do you do? Without the violence issue and if they are under 18 you can't legally kick them out. But when they feel that they can do whatever they want in your house, don't listen to anyone and there's nothing you can really threaten them with....what options are there?

    For instance, our difficult child, before turning 18, did horrible in school academically and behaviorally, ignored our rules, treated us with utter disrespect, didn't care what we did to him as punishment and there wasn't a single thing we could do. Extra chores? HA. You had to literally stand over him IF he chose to even do it. If he didn't want to...there was no making him do it. AND if he DID do it....it was usually such a half a** job (intentionally) that it was pointless to have even had him do it in the first place. It didn't matter anyway because he just didn't (and still doesn't) care. NOTHING got through to him. Not a single thing. Friends would tell me "just MAKE him do it". HOW???? The kid is 6'2". How do you make him do something he doesn't want to do? There is nothing to threaten him with. I would flat out tell him or even politely ask him not to use/eat/take something that I had plans for. He would (and still does) look me straight in the eye and say "ok mom, not a problem. I understand." In some cases, the VERY NEXT DAY, whatever it was would be eaten, broken or missing.

    All of the so called professionals either said to stick with it or threw their hands up in frustration too because they knew he wouldn't cooperate.

    I know that our kids have problems and illnesses but at the same time...I can't help but wonder. Why is it that we have to put up with this carp simply because they are our children? Just because a person is mentally ill, doesn't mean they get a free pass out of the most basic of life's rules. Why are we legally, morally and ethically bound to putting up with someone who refuses to help themselves, learn to help themselves and live up to the most basic of expectations. (you know...those hard things like .... not stinking, speaking to people with a civil tone, participating in their own life instead of coasting and expecting everything to be done for them, eating in a manner that suggests the person who sat at the table was older than 2 years old, and just basically acting like a human being.)

    I realize this may not be a popular thread but these are things that I've been thinking about and I'm curious as to other's take on this.
     
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Hey how are you?? :)

    Threads fine, your thoughts are shared by many i'm sure. I agree I don't think it gives them a "free pass" at all. Depending on the severity of their illness I think pretty much states what rules should and shouldn't be followed. Yet than again if they are living at home and not in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or out of placement setting then it deems them capable to some extent. I just totally went in a circle with that one. lol sorry was thinking and writing.

    I think that at the end of the day they should be held accountable, life isn't going to give them a free pass why should we? It just teaches them it's all good dont' worry you don't have to keep up with your hygiene or basic chores just to function as part of a family, etc. Yet I do think that their responsiblities should be according to their capability and as they take on little bit, we increase periodically.

    What I"m seeing alot of lately is behavior mod stuff. They state it rewires their brains. It's a rigid rigid schedule started early on as soon as diagnosis in place. Entire household is in lock down on this schedule it's rough. It bounces child from free time to chore time to dinner to chore time to free time. I'Tourette's Syndrome a constant back and forth progression through day. I myself am curious to see how it's going to play out in the families that are currently doing this.

    I know difficult child has certain chores here that she has to do, their not major but there a few. If she doens't do them there's a consequence that follows, ie. like losing tv time, or ds time, etc. Her want and desire to have her privlidges most of the time gets her in gear to take care of her chores. which are few by the way. There are exceptions if she's flying into manic mode and arguing, screaming, etc. they are obviously postponed, that sort of thing. Yet even then eventually she calms than it's back to business sort of thing.

    So, basically i agree with you. It is so hard though on us parents, and taxing, time consuming and aggrivating. It's enough at times to make you want to scream. Yet what i've been doing with difficult child is if she acts out aggressively in anyway there's a quick consequence to follow i try best not to engage as of late, i force her to do the consequence if need be. Now, granted difficult child has bipolar, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), adhd, ticks, depression, anxiety. Ok she's pretty much loaded, yet i still hold her accountable. I feel like i have to, if i don't what am I showing her. I feel like she is smart enough and my difficult child is manipulative enough that she will begin to use her mental illness as a weapon of sorts. As far as them remaining in the home after their 18 if their not doing the "right thing". I hate to say it yet if it's a behavioral issue and most of us know our difficult child's or will by that age pretty good, and their being simply defiant than yea it would be same for me as with my other child if you can't contribute and be a part of this household do this this and that than maybe this household isn't for you. Now, granted i'm saying this, yet i'm not sure if i could do it lol.

    ok i've rambled............. :) long day. i hope others respond. it's an interesting topic.
     
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This is the ONLY good thing I can think of for a BiPolar (BP) diagnosis, if a kid has to have a mental health issue. And that is either 1) this too shall pass (even if it's bound to come back at a later date) and 2) the right medications will help. These are the times when I am truly grateful that it isn't a problem that stays consistent day after day and hour after hour and month after month. I would have to find another place for difficult child to live- Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I guess.
     
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Over 18 is tricky. I sure don't know the answer. Access to the car was the only enforceable consequence that we had with GFGmom. on the other hand she
    would walk in the door hours after curfew (without calling) and just hand me the keys saying "Sorry. Guess I've lost the car again!"

    With little difficult child (now 18 and choosing to live with GFGmom now :() the car could never be used because he has opted not to drive yet. I am in the process of trying to get Voc/Rehab to step up to the plate. With that program he "should" get assistance with job training and independent living skills. That is a big "SHOULD" because GFGmom would rather let him do his own thing at her house so Disability checks roll in...and...because Voc/Rehab money comes from the Department of Education which has had big budget cuts.

    easy child/difficult child is a whole other problem. He has the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) from his accident and the brain surgery. on the other hand he is perfectly capable of doing most anything that he wants to do. This week, like you, I'm thinking OMG. How many more years can we take? It's a terrible dilemma. You are not alone. DDD
     
  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    I have to majorally choose my battles, paractice acceptance aqand take a lot of down time. If the resentment gets too high, I have to address it in some way. Behavorial contracts do work around here but I have to be very foces on ehat I am addressing. I choose to hire cleaners once a week and pay difficult child some but in the past 7 montshs she really is not able to or chooses not and I have been so focuse don dealing with the crisis du jour.
    In th Nami class they asked us, what is the goal independence or dependence. I do want indepence but this is so far removed from my orginal dreams for her.
    The reality is right now she is not doing a whole lot in the house and demanding tons. I am srrettign I think reasonable boundaries.
    I consider us sitll in crisis mode and it is draing a lot, when the explosive rages are not occuring , it is alot better and she does help more.
    I sam gratful and try to focus on what is done and be sure I am taking csare of me.
    I honetly donot know what realistic expectations are at this point. A few years ago, actually since age 10 she always got her sports stuff together, kept her re=oom fairly resonalbe and currently does not seem able to do this. I rhink the hard point is looking at the adult looking body and thinking she can/che should but that is not always ralslitc. This appies to academics too.
    She is experincing pain along these lines with drivng. I bought my son a car at age 15 and he enjoyed much more eindepeince and has helped me out alot with driving. This is not realsity for her. Her impulsitvity and instability is so great. WE do let her drive with an adult but she is inno way ready to get a license when she turn 16 in a few months. Compassion
     
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    Bribes work for some things with us. You can play video system as soon as homework is done. I try to phrase it as a positive. But I agree with you and at a certain point when difficult child is bigger than me (my guess is about a year) I hope to have established some kind of control because my size certainly won't intimidate lol.

    You are right that we shouldn't give them a free pass and it is our job to teach them about life in the home. But you can only lead a horse to water. It sounds like you've done that and next step is detachment.

    Hugs,

    ML
     
  7. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I hear you sister!
    Your thread spoke to me so much I read it to difficult child. Of course, he got annoyed.
    This is not a person who can't learn but he doesn't care about the things that civilized people care about.
    At this point, it feels like a free pass to me. He isn't too miserable and I have gotten some work out of him but he just seems to be coasting.
    We are waiting for some services and if that works out, he is out of here.
    He is eating everything in sight, won't get exercise, has horrid table manners and self absorbed even when pleasant. He refuses to take any initiative with his life. This may be the best he will be. Not because he can't but because he won't allow himself to stop being oppositional.
    Thanks mustang for voicing my feelings.
     
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green


    I'm sorry but when I read that I :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    I wouldn't DARE read my post to difficult child. He'd go balistic and of course blame me for EVERYTHING. But....I'm glad I'm not the only one with these feelings and thank you Fran for the laugh. It was much needed!


    And your difficult child is getting services? Wooooooow. difficult child had a counselor, psychiatrist, case worker and had just been accepted into Voc. Rehab. The second he turned 18, he cancelled all of it except the psychiatrist and refuses to consider signing up for anything because he's "not crazy and not a retard" (his words)
     
  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Well, Mustang, we're still ironing out the wrinkles, but basically yes... if thank you doesn't follow our rules in our home, then he's out.

    We actually went about this a little differently this time (for us). Instead of us laying down the law, we asked thank you what he thought the rules should be. Aside from the smoking, he actually had them down cold. We also asked what consequences should be if he breaks the rules. He knows violence/drugs will result in police, and he's out of here. For the other rules (and there aren't a lot - no AWOLs, we need to know where he is, no smoking in the house, get a job (i.e. be occupied at least 40 hours a week - can be volunteer work, can be school, but do *something*) and the violence/drug thing), he felt he should get a "punishment". That left me at a loss for *exactly* the reasons you state. How on earth do you "punish" an adult child? I don't want to, to be honest. I'm really not big on punishment, even with the younger kids. Maybe too many years on the board ;) but I believe in logical consequences.

    So what we told him is that this is no longer a parent/child relationship, at least not the way it's been. We're adults living together in a house. There are house rules. If he doesn't like them, he's free to leave. If he chooses to stay, he has to abide by the rules. We used a lot of examples. Cognitively, he gets it and actually wasn't even too grumpy. Behaviorly is another thing and only time will tell.

    Can we put him out if his doesn't comply? Absolutely. Will it be difficult? I can only begin to imagine how hard. But as you say - are we supposed to live with and try to deal with this defiance forever? Personally, I say no, absolutely not, *especially* when there are younger kids in the home who will be affected. There are resources out there for thank you (which he adamantly refuses right now - his choice, I won't force it but... not much of a safety net for him).

    Are thank you's thought processes the result of his illness? Yep. Not a medication in the world is going to make him functional 24/7/365. No therapy, no psychiatrist, no intervention will do it for him. He has to be an active participant. It's the only way he will ever have a life. His current placement hasn't gotten him invested, nor have the prior 3, nor did living at home as a child. *Maybe* knowing it's now or never will light a fire, maybe not. We simply don't know what else to do. It may be this is just going to be a stop on his way to hitting rock bottom. I sure hope not. I *hope*, maybe unrealistically, that he's matured enough (and we do see some positive signs) to be able to function here. But... living with the parental units is a privilege once you hit 18, in our home anyway.

    Just in MHO. ;)
     
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Thank you, Mstang, for posting this!

    I was actually thinking of venting..er..posting a little on this same issue myself today. I have been trying to decide whether difficult child's behavior is the result of her mental issues--or is it just plain defiant?

    Not to hi-jack your thread...but here's what happened in our house last night:

    My husband had invited some friends from work over for Saturday--so naturally we want to do a little extra cleaning Friday night. difficult child's regular chore is washing the dishes...so we considered--Do we want to risk a meltdown over changing her routine to include extra tasks tonight? We decided to let her stick to her routine and clean up the dinner dishes as usual--husband would mop the kitchen floor when she finished. Everyone else pitched in by doing a few extra tasks--vacuuming, dusting, etc. etc.

    Meanwhile--difficult child decided not to do her regular chore at all, and instead sat herself down in the living room to read a book.

    So here we all are working together to clean the house. difficult child is reading. And when husband finished his work outside and came indoors to mop the kitchen floor--he was aggravated to find that difficult child had not done anything at all. And when he questioned why she was reading instead of doing her chores--we ended up with that meltdown anyway.

    Bottom line is, difficult child did NOTHING...and first had a tantrum in the laundry room, and then after a while went to her bedroom and cried. husband ended up doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen himself...and DS ended up cleaning difficult child's bedroom for her, since she said she was too upset to do it herself and needed help. So there he was--my son, picking up his big sister's dirty laundry.

    I was so aggravated! But as you say--there is not one single consequence that she cares about... I cannot physically force her to actually do something if she doesn't want to... If I threaten her with some sort of disciplinary action--that only leads to a meltdown. And there doesn't seem to be any negotiating, because there is a "disconnect" between what she agrees to do and what she actually does.

    So what is my choice, here exactly? If I just want peace, I need to let everything go. If I would like to enforce a few rules--it seems that I will have nothing but battles. But if I do not teach her responsibility--how am I preparing her for life as an adult?

    It seems that the Mom cannot win...

    So I here exactly where you are coming from. I don't have the right answer (obviously)--but I hear you!

    Hang in there!

    --DaisyF
     
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    All I can say, is that as I laid down to take a nap, I told myself 4 years and exactly 1 month.

    That is when difficult child turns 18.

    And apparently in Ohio, she can move out even if still in school. Several of Devon's friends have this year. Nice bit of information to have tucked away.
     
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My easy child 2 is 28 with Asperger's. He works and pays his own way but he still lives at home. He drives me crazy most of the time. He never lets me know when/if he is comming home after work yet asks me every time he comes in "What did you have for dinner" Which I guess is a change from his old "What's for dinner" which he asked me for a year before he finally got what I told him every time "you didn't call me so I didn't know if I should cook for you or not" Of course it took me a while and many spoiled meals before I go to the point of not cooking for him.

    He has ruined the beautiful heirloom bedroom set in his room with water glasses and coffee mugs and I will have to have it refinished when?if he moves out. He never brings this vessels back down to the kitchen so once a week I have to round them up and usually will have about half a dozen. He uses three or four spoons every morning because he has to have a clean one for every cup of coffee and bowl of cereal he eats. In the evening he waits until I clean the kitchen and go to bed to eat. Then because the dishwasher is running he leaves all the dirty pots and pans and dishes he used in the sink for me to get up to in the morning. He gets up for work at three in the morning and clomps up and down the stairs with his work boots on slamming doors as he goes. He washes u p in one bathroom and leaves the toothpast in the sink and the cap off the tube and then goes into the other bathroom to shave and leaves his wiskers in the sink. He never empties the wastbasket in his room or bathroom letting the snotty tissues fall on the floor for me to clean up. He has no idea what clothes he owns because he doesn't think to open up his drawers and look. Instead he keeps buying more and then buys plastic storage containers and stacks them up in his room and under his bed untill I go through them (about twice a year) and hang things up in his closet where he can see them (Maybe) He has taken to spending his evenings at the pub spending his money there on food and drink but he fills up my cabinets and fridge with huge amounts of processed foods that I don't eat leaving me no room for the foods I do eat. So I end up shopping for my own food way more frequently than I should have to because I can only buy a little at a time. Once a month I have to go through the freezer and throw out so much stuff it makes me sick. He buys it but never eats it and when I try to tell him that he is wasting so much of his money which could be put toward a place of his own he says " I'm fine, its OK" ARRRRRRGH!

    I want to scream "I am not fine and it isn't ok" but I just sigh and go to another room. I love him but....

    He is a good hard working guy with alot of difficulties. He is not disrespectful towards me. He pays his rent every month on time without question. He is pleasant natured for the most part. He's ambitious and hardworking yet so overwhelmed with trying to keep his job that he is totally not getting what it means to have balance in one's life.

    He is what he is and I cannot really fault him. He is doing the best he can.

    Although he is drinking 4-5 beers a night; He doesn't drink in my presence and he has taken to going to the pub because I told him I was embarrassed by the number of bottels I had to put out for recycling. He doesn't drink and drive, he walks home from the pub, kisses me good night and goes to bed. Seven hours later he is up and getting ready for work again. So while I don't approve and have told him that he is probably a functioning alcholic, I can't say that his behavior is a deal breaker. He addressed my complaints in his own way without actually stopping the drinking. And while it does make me worry about him more he is of age and paying his own way.

    So while he is most definately driving me crazy, I see this as possibly never ending arrangement. I want him out from under my roof but his behavior doesn't warrant eviction. Conversly, I am worried about him if he does go out on his own because he is so not tuned into this planet. -RM
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2009
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Mustang,

    I've worried about this since the tweedles were 9 & not showing any signs of "getting it". I've been researching group homes & services after they turn 18.

    I've been beyond discouraged. While kt may be able to function she will continually be vulnerable to repeated abuse. It's like she attracts friends & others who are not good to her.

    wm, on the other hand, just isn't getting the idea that rules/laws & such are in place for peace & safety; in the home & in public.

    I realize that the tweedles have 3 1/2 years to absorb some very sophisticated concepts; that of self care, empathy & learning to live & survive out in the "real world" on their own. It's taken 8 long years to get to this point.

    kt has some very big ideas & they make me proud. When I ask her how she will accomplish her ideas/plans she doesn't have a clue. wm just fears that I will die before he can live with me again. That's his current obsession.

    The reality is there is no "free ride" in this world. As parents we have done all we can to help our little wonders to achieve their highest level of functionality/abilities. After that it seems anything goes.

    I guess I will continue to do as I have been doing. Continue the never ending therapy appts, in home services that are so very intrusive, the visits to wm because he hasn't "gotten it"; hasn't understood very basic concepts. I am doing my best to plan for the tweedles future. I continue to pray for the best & plan for the worst. As a parent there's no other choice.
     
  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I always think about this because it freaks me out! LOL
    I think we should push our kids to see what they are truly capable of.
    I also think having supports in place is huge.
    I moved out from 17 on with unchecked Mental Illness and no supports. I seriously do not think this is a good idea.
    I can't and will not do this to K.
    I don't know know how I will deal with K when it comes to this time?
    She has a GAF from 35-55... I have no idea how it has changed in the past year. I hope it is higher.
    One day she seems like she could do OK in this world, the next she seems like life is going to be huge tea party with her stuffed animals and her hallucinations..

    But I hold onto the "Super Hero" fantasy that I have. That all of our kids have one super hero power and we just need to help them find it.
    Maybe they will always need help in other areas but they may be great in one certain area.
    I was explaining to K the other day about who Jackson Pollock was and how he channeled his mania and depression into art.
    I didn't use the words mania or depression. LOL
    But she fully got it.
    So I try to hold onto this theory. Maybe she has to fall and fail maybe she will hate me, but I hope one day I can reign her back in and help her find her super power...

    So I guess they should have to try. We should push them until we see what they are capable of. Maybe they just can't do the laundry?
    But they can make awesome art with bubblegum?
    Or are great with rebuilding stereos. My little Brother never graduated and he has a Learning Disability (LD), but he is now a Manager of Best Buy in the Stereo Dept! He is awesome with stereos!!! Despite being seriously Mentally Ill. He is a complete mess up.
    Or my older Brother, huge difficult child, but he has always loved cooking, he took a cooking class at a community college when a was 16. Now because of his Grandiose personality he is running a huge restaurant. He is continually being threatened with being fired because of his drinking, though.
    Not perfect but hey G'sFG are just plain special.

    I don't know the answers and have no idea how to do this, I just hold onto all of your examples and things I hear and read. Hope that when It is my turn I can be strong.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2009
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm really glad to be able to read this thread. I don't have anything to add, really. The Y chromosomes in this family are all challenged by similar self-care and basic living rules issues. They'd rather step over a piece of trash than bend over to pick it up type of issues.

    I've got 3.5 years until my oldest is "of age". I am terrified he'll still be here when he's 25.
     
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great thread.
    We are working on this daily. I can only hope that our hard work pays off.
    For all of our sakes.
     
  17. It can be discouraging to me too think to far into the future. As parents, we all have such dreams for our children when they are born. I've stopped thinking too far ahead.

    difficult child has become pretty good at putting himself into situations that he can handle and staying away from those he can't; but I can also see where this keeps him from stretching and growing at all becuase he avoids everything that is even remotely difficult. However, he ultimately has to be the one that is happy and if he is learning how (maybe), that's the best thing we can teach him.

    I think all we can do is put the necessary supports in place and set the ground rules; then it's up to difficult child.

    by the way - watched Hancock this afternoon; Will Smith learning how to say Good Job sounded like my difficult child.
     
  18. compassion

    compassion Member

    It is boundaries and acceptance. I don't like it but I need serenity for me. She came in at 1 AM, curfew is 10. She is basically doing nothing inclusing the basic are of herself around here. That is very sad to me. I told husband tonight to majorally lower expectations, that lessens the resentment for me. If she does do stuff, it is amajor shock. or example, with academics, etc. I expect her NOT to comply. Yet, she will demand her way.
    I have decided this week to do my cooking and the acemics for her online stuff in the morning when she is slleping , alot like dealing with young toddlers. She has therapy tomorrow which a lot of times seems like a waste of time but it does help me to have her sign contracts and put that back on her choices. My guilt level is 800 times lower.
    I do feel good about the healthy food, the meals, what I choosing. I am doing pretty good with detatchment. Having a break from her this weekend helped tons. I know I can't reason with her illness, bipolar, subatance abuser, conduct disorder.
    It ws jsut so wondorful havingmhy home back this weekend, I got to really nest and relax.
    Tomorrow, I will take her to tharapy. She will most likely come back and sleep . I will attempt acaemics but no power stuglles :). She is identifying that she is anzious and msses the old times(great growth for her) She has been very anxious and depresswed this past week. I knwo this is anger turne dinward.
    I am having patience and compassion.
    I try to keep meals very simple: I will so a simple stirfry tommow. Compassion
     
  19. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Well, I'm almost there with B. He will be 18 in November. Countless interventions over 10 years with really no result. In home therapies, Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)'s, partials, tdocs, psychiatrists, every doctor LOL! Ridiculous. He has a disorder - he has no disorder - this medication works - this medication doesn't work - why does he need medications, he has no disorder - he has an attitude problem - no, he has ADHD LMAO. It's been, in your own son's words - retarded.

    So, he is coming out of Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) (you're up to speed, aren't ya?), uhh, tomorrow. Wow. And yeah, he's got expectations. That word cracks me up. Expectations. You know, sometimes I feel like telling these people to stick their expectations up their you-know-what. Get a job, work 40 hours (thanks for that email), do chores, help out, blah blah blah. We have our little "behavior contract", *tee hee*, whatever. He won't follow through. Maybe, just maybe, 8 months out of here (not counting the 4 years he was in foster care and not here) might have woken him up. *Seems* like the light bulb went off, but I'm pessimistic. We'll see. Will he follow along? I dunno.

    I had him emancipated. Screw it. I'm not dealing with it. We are allowing him to come home, but if he doesn't follow the rules, he's out. Tell ya the truth, I don't care where he goes, I don't care who he calls, and I don't care what he does. He's on his own. Why can't you throw him out? Empathy? Compassion? Worry? Yeah - I have all that, but you know what? I've given him tools, time and time again to help him, and he's chosen to not use them. I've been to all the family therapy sessions where he chooses to talk about basketball and how rich he's going to be when he's famous, and all the cars he's gonna buy LOL - instead of dealing with the issues. I've wasted enough time. Now, you're grown. You're graduated. You're an adult. Welcome to the world of responsibility.

    You and I have talked enough - you know, I live like you. Everything's locked up. And, the minute he turns 18, he better have a plan. I'm giving him that, provided he can continue to be respectful here, even though he's not my responsibility. But, I have no intention of helping him. I have no desire to assist. I have no anything. Do what you gotta do to get out. And, if you don't, just get out.

    I should add, though - there are differences between your difficult child and B. B isn't mentall ill. Challenged. Sick. Whatever you want to call it. Thinking, if this was D, what would I do? I don't know. I can't say. D's only 12. But, I'll tell you this, for as "challenged" as D is, he's worked harder in the last year than B has in 10. Does that count for something? Yes. B has an attitude problem. This "everything revolves around me and too bad for everyone else" problem. Has nothing to do with neurological issues, or that he's Bipolar, or any of that. He's not. So, that definately makes some type of difference.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2009
  20. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Mstang,

    THANK YOU!!! You have expressed my feelings so perfectly!!! Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I'VE HAD It!!! I'm so physically and emotionally drained from taking care of difficult children...

    difficult child 1, for lots of reasons, knows he must move out after he graduates from high school in June. I have done everything humanly possible to try and give him the tools he needs to be an independent, happy, productive adult. difficult child 1 thinks he is above everyone else, society's rules don't apply to him. He has grandiose notions of having the perfect job, perfect life, etc. without having to lift a finger. In his distorted reality, the world revolves around him. The only way he'll learn about life is if he is "thrown" into it. OUT HE GOES!!!

    on the other hand, difficult child 2 is incapable of taking care of himself. He is almost 17 and needs assistance with just about everything. I feel like I'm taking care of an overgrown toddler. difficult child 2 only sees the world from his point of view. He is extremely self-centered and demanding. He never stops talking, tantrums frequently, is verbally abusive, and although I don't like admitting this, most of the time I can't stand being around him!!! It is exhausting!!! I don't feel like I can toss him out, but at the same time, I can't stand the thought of having him live in my house indefinitely.

    I'm doing everything I can to try to help him be as successful in life as possible. However, the reality of the situation is that he is going to need many supports in place in order for him to be able to survive on his own. I feel that I deserve a life - A life separate from his.

    I WILL do everything possible to try and find him another place to live. I have to do this because I know my sanity is at stake. And, if the reality is that he can't survive out of my house, what do I do next?

    I honestly don't believe that my only purpose in life is to take care of an adult difficult child. However, where do we draw the line? WE ARE PEOPLE TOO!!! Sorry, I haven't answered your question - Just kind of tossed it around... It is so difficult... Thinking of you... WFEN
     
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