I would never have guessed that's why the principal wanted to meet with-us

[TerryJ2]

Sheesh. Out of left field.
The day after a huge mtng with-difficult child's teachers and resource dir, about how he is backsliding again. F's. Sick days. Missing assignments.

Sister JP said she had spoken with-the resource dir about our tutor, L. Res Dir said that L pulled her aside and started talking out of turn about our homelife and how violent difficult child is, and that issue, if it is true, does not affect the teachers and they don't know how much validity there is to it, so Sr JP said she thinks they should ignore it.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was! I almost started to laugh. I was convinced she was going to give us the code phrase, "I don't think difficult child's needs are being met here." On the drive over, I was mulling over how much effort it would take to enroll difficult child next fall in a special needs school an hr away, whether the drive would be worth it, whether I'd go insane or want to rent an apt closer, how we would pay for it, all the crazy negativity and what-ifs that run through your mind when you don't have a shred of evidence except for what came immediately b4 the upcoming mtng.

But she asked us how the mtng went and acted like nothing was wrong at all. I was so confused. I thought, she looks so innocent. How can she just sit there and play mind games with-us?
Until she started to explain.

Yes, L, the tutor, does have a big mouth.
But if the resource dir read the file carefullly, she would have seen that difficult child is on medications and has had defiance issues at home.

I was mildly ticked that L had blabbed, but it wasn't that big of a deal. Frankly, I don't really care what anyone thinks as long as we are safe, well-fed, and have warm beds to sleep in. I'm past that point, Know what I mean??

I did share with-Sister that L had grown up in a war-torn country, where anything they said would be met with-a gun to the head, so now he's in America and he's still catching up on the thrill of being able to talk openly. Not to mention that his brother has issues somewhat similar to difficult child and he is projecting.
She nodded (I could tell she was curious. )

I told her I would speak with-him, and husband questioned again whether difficult child was doing anything untoward at school, except for clowing around and flunking out.

No. And we all want to keep it that way. L is welcome to talk to us about academics but shouldn't cross personal boundaries.

***

I called L and explained the situation. I knew he'd be upset. Interesting ... his point of view. When I typed up release forms for the teachers to talk to him (I had to create my own ... there has never b4 been a situation at this school where a tutor picked up a kid and met the teachers face-to-face and needed written permission), and I inadvertantly left out the resource dir. Oops.
I typed up one for her, and the min she had it in her hand, she said to L (who had difficult child waiting in the car) "Come on in and sit down with-me." She pulled shut the door and asked if he had anything to share with-her that might help out at school and with-teaching difficult child.

They got to chatting and L mentioned that difficult child could get contentious and defiant and just to be on the lookout. He's officially a teen now.

L got it full in the face a few wks ago at our house... I think I posted about it here. I was actually "happy" about it, because as many of you have experienced, a lot of people don't believe how bad our kids can really be (the thread about JV and Soc Svcs insisting that they are not babysitters comes to mind), and L played interference, stood up for me, and really got on difficult child's case. difficult child left the room several times and we had to get him back downstairs. Finally, he broke down and sobbed in the DR, and then was fine afterward. He just really didn't want to have a tutor that day. (We ended up just having him finish one short piece and then L went home, to come back on the weekend after difficult child had slept and had some free time.)

So, as L put it on the phone, "It affects ME and I'm a teacher!" Okay, I can see that. He also wanted to know why the Res Dir pulled HIM into a room and closed the door and asked him leading questions, and then asked, "Is he in counseling?"
L said, "I don't know."
(Thank doG. I don't know if he knew or not but at least he didn't give her any more info.)

Just when we'd gotten the math teacher and her passive aggressive attitude under control, this pops up.

husband and I talked tonight, and clearly, there are politics going on, but the main thing is, as I told L
over the phone (and in fact, he took the words out of my mouth and we spoke at the same time) it's about difficult child and HIS needs, not the head butting antics of faculty and outside tutors.

husband and I agreed to tell difficult child that the mtng with-Sister JP was about him and his lack of effort and how he only had until April 16 to catch up. Which is the truth, because we did discuss that, for a split second. It's just not the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

 

[tiredmommy]

Aye Carumba!

 

[Marguerite]

So Resource Director says the conversation was instigated by L, but L says the Resource Director pulled him aside, taking advantage of the release form you had filled in to allow L to collect difficult child. And if difficult child was in the car waiting, I doubt tat L would have chosen that moment to start the conversation.

No, this sounds to me more like nosiness on the part of the Resource Director. Maybe the nosiness was out of a desire to support difficult child and knowing a bit more about the whole situation can help. But I'm inclined to believe, especially given your own 'vibe' about this, that Resource Director has stretched every possible opportunity to breaking point in order to interrogate L and dig as much dirt as she could. Hey, she could have unearthed evidence that you've all been abusing difficult child!

Or have I read this wrong?

Marg

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry. While it is good you don't care what they think of you, be careful anyway. If one of them decides to make it a big deal they could stretch things into a report to child protection. It would be dismissed, I am sure, but parochial schools usually have a fair amt of gossip going on and this would problem be fodder for it.

I HATE koi like this!! I am sure any koi exposed to this would have ick!

 

[TerryJ2]

Funny you should say that. L's impression was that the res dir implied we were too lax, not too mean, that difficult child was spoiled.
Yes, he most certainly is spoiled. on the other hand, we give him rewards when he does something good. I really don't think the res dir understands Aspies when it comes to motivation. I mean, when you can reward a 13-yr-old with-a candy bar, it's kind of sad, you know? But he's still getting an education ... not sure if it's because of all of us or in spite of all of us!

 

[Marguerite]

I agree with you that these kids respond better to rewards.

A reward system that works for us - the promise of my time, spent playing a computer game with him. He banks up the time and we' spend' it on the weekend when I'm free.

At the moment he earns 15 minutes of my time, every night he is in bed by midnight.

We used to use the game time reward system for meltdown-free nights. Then he was donig so well we had to let it slide, he was earning more time than we could spend.

And actually - I found I was enjoying the game time too.

It gets the reward away from material things, and also towards good quality time together.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree.
Our problem is that with-difficult child, you give him an inch and he takes a mile.
So there's no way he will stick to just 15 min. He's always in the middle of something and will argue that he has to finish ... which turns into an hr.
Onward and upward.

 

[Marguerite]

It's not an hour of game tie, but game time with you playing too. It's up to you to watch the clock and to help him disengage from the JOINT game.

As for difficult child 3 playing on computer games on his own - we have the same issues with "I just need to finish this level". We allow a little leeway on this because really, it saves time and energy and brings its own natural consequences. But I will sometimes say to him, "How much longer do you need?" and set the timer to let him know when that time is elapsed. You can either insist at that point, or ask again, "How much time?" and set the timer again. But keep note of how much time is actually spent, and make it clear to him afterwards that his "just a few more minutes" was actually a lot longer and he now has to make up more time in other areas.

One other thing we've used - we get difficult child to keep a log (or we do, as long as he will accept that what we've written is true) on how long he spends on gaming. We ten suggest to him how much better he would be doing academically, if he even came close to spending equal time on schoolwork.

Keeping your own time and motion study, or doing ti with his knowledge and even partial involvement, can be enlightening for him.

But in support of our kids playing games - they learn this way also, even if you feel it's wasted time. It's a coping strategy. I've found that when we try to limit gaming or have asked the boys to limit gaming, we have reduced their ability to cope in other areas. While they seem to be blindly toggling buttons or whatever, their brains are processing other information and calming themselves down. Of course, it does depend on what sort of games...

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

Yes ... I learned that in football, with 3 min. left in the game, there can be so many stops and starts and new players brought in and injured players taken out, that the kids can stop the clock just like a real game, and guess who has played for another 45 min.?