I'd almost forgotten how diff my difficult child was ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Dec 5, 2007.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Tonight we went to a friend's house for Hanukkah. They have two small grandchildren. One is a boy, about 1-1/2. He was very curious and very sweet. When he wanted something he was very polite about hit. I was amazed. Cute little voice, easy to undertand--he'd point and say, "Do," or "Mo" and I could see exactly what he wanted. At one point, he raised his arms to me and said, "Up."
    It was so sweet. And so sad.
    My difficult child said "up," too, but he usually screamed it. Once he was up, he'd squirm because he wanted down. Then he'd want up again. He climbed me like a monkey. He was SO rough. SO loud.
    This little boy was so gentle, and his voice so childlike (aka not monster-like) and, well, it just cemented the fact the my difficult child was diff from the get-go.
    This little boy cried over something for a min. and then stopped. He was easily comforted and distracted. My difficult child cried until he quit breathing--well, never mind--you all know how that is. been there done that.
    Holding this boy made me feel very ambivalent. husband said, "Does that make you want another one?" I said "NO! Maybe a grandchild, though."
    No use thinking about what-ifs. I love my son. It's just been so hard ... and every now and then I grieve for what could have been.
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    Boy do I know what you mean. Many of our kids have been difficult from the very beginning like that. My son used to cry and cry so loud that I was forever bringing him in to the doctor to be told "nothing was wrong". One time I held the phone up to the nurse on the phone because it was clear this child was in distress. Reflux was our very first diagnosis when he was a couple of months old. I think when you have an only it's really a shock to be around easy kids because you've never known any different.

    The thing that helped me calm my difficult child down as he got a little older was his sense of humor. I could always make him laugh.
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It becomes very obvious to me anytime difficult child is in public. She is so uncomfortable, she borders on miserable. Then I'll see other girls her age who are just totally at ease. It makes my heart ache each and every time.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am totally amazed by the difference between raising my boys and raising Keyana. Its like night and day. She is so...well...normal and calm. I almost have to check her to make sure she isnt slow at times because she is too good...lol. She plays with her toys and helps me put them away when she is finished with them. She listens and accepts no for an answer...well she may pout for a few minutes and if she is really tired she may whine and cry but there is no all out fit. She has only thrown a few temper tantrums and those have been induced by other people annoying her. She can be giggled out of any bad mood. She eats everything.

    Maybe difficult child behavior is going to hit with a vengeance at 13...lol.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It wasn't long after Travis was born that I decided God gave me easy child first so that I'd have comfort in knowing I did have parenting abilities. (I recall thinking this for the first time when he was about 4 wks old and I hadn't slept in many many days.)

    But it was always more noticable when he was around other children outside of the family.
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    It is amazing sometimes isn't it???
    Just today K and I were trying to have a nice Mommy and me time... I took her to get some gifts for some friends. We were looking for some candles at this funky little gift shop, I felt so bad for her, it is like she is unable to control her body at times, almost like Tourettes, she bumps into things, her arms fling into stuff, steps on things... shakes, gets overwhelmed.

    I end up having to hold her and have her walk in front of me while I squeeze her... and try and shop.

    She is the bull in the china shop. and she hates it. Then you see another child walking through, completely fine!!! Or just being a brat...
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    :rofl: :rofl:

    Boy..been there done that too. He had colic. And it DID NOT go away after 3 months.

    I remember calling the doctor as he is very, LOUDLY screaming from his room. When they answered I only had the energy to say "MAKE HIM STOP".

    So rough, so loud. Never wanted to cuddle. Never stopped moving until he was exhausted.

    closed all the windows so the neighbors wouldn't hear him scream.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. We've all been there done that.
    My son had reflux, too, and 13 ear infections by the time he was 5. So he certainly had a reason to cry. Amazing there's no hearing loss. (Well, on his part, anyway, LOL!)
    He's on the other end of the spectrum, in reg to being touched... he likes to be squeezed so hard he'd be happy if you broke a rib! I remember sitting on the steps one day and having a hugging contest. He won. I was exhausted and he wanted to keep going.
    Sorry, didn't mean to whine ... but I knew you all would understand.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Interestingly, difficult child 3 was a very good baby. A dream of a baby.

    They had all been different - I had been desperate to have kids and longed for easy child to be born so I could cuddle her. Instead, I got a baby who was too eager to explore the world, to waste time being cuddled. She would only cuddle while I was feeding her, she would soon push away to get down on the floor to play. She was constantly searching for mental stimulation. I worked full-time and had her placed in long day care five minutes from my job, so I could go and feed her whenever she needed it. She soon settled into a pattern that coincided with work breaks.

    difficult child 1 - my cuddler (or so I thought at first). Turned out, he cuddled out of fear and insecurity. He attached tightly to one lady at the centre, he would scream if she was out of the room. They had a terrible time with him when she took her lunch break. The centre director was angry with her for letting it happen, but the lady just didn't know how this had happened.
    I know now, with autism these kids will sometimes attach very tightly, very deeply, very fast. To a person, a place, a toy, an idea.

    easy child 2/difficult child 2 - not quite perfect. Would cuddle happily, often asked for cuddles when it wasn't convenient though (even into hr late teens!). A charmer, considerate of others but very fixed with routines. Did not like sleeping although she needed it. Would scream herself to sleep sitting up, then wake as she fell and her head hit the pillow. And start all over again. I can't wait for her to have kids - her fiancé is ADHD as well, this should be interesting.

    difficult child 3 - in the hospital, only a few days old, he settled into a routine of sleeping for six hours, waking quietly and being fed, staying awake to play, be bathed and have a second feed, then sleeping another six hours. Around the clock, day after day. He was alert and looking around, especially looking at flickering light patterns such as light through the trees. Happy to be cuddled but at 3 months old worked out how to put himself to sleep when he was ready and would almost leap out of my arms into his cot and go to sleep straight away.
    I thought I finally had the perfect baby. He watched game shows on TV, which we thought was cute and a funny coincidence as he was only a few months old; but he never stopped watching the game shows. He was absorbed by music, soothed by it from his earliest days. Sat on my lap as I played piano, so he began to touch the keys not as a baby would (bashing at them) but softly, playing chords. Similarly with the computer - he began playing a baby computer program before his first birthday, was reading numbers and letters before his second birthday. Well before, we're not sure when. Reprogrammed the TV tuner at about the same age, began to functionally use a lot of electronic equipment at the same age (VCR, DVD player, for example). Learned to hack past our password protection by 3 years old. But still very little language and only jargon speech.

    Then the tantrums that came out of frustration. His, I mean. I only threw my tantrums at health professionals who got in my way.

    I do not know what a normal child is like. I did help raise my sisters' kids, but that was a long time ago. I remember milestones such as first steps, but I don't remember the early language development, the early communication and early social development. I'm used to kids who could read before they went to school, used to kids who began school already accomplished at what the rest of the class was consolidating. And used to kids who couldn't cope with change, not without a lot of support, talking-to and encouragement. Used to kids with phobias and obsessions. Used to travelling with a towel in the car for difficult child 3, a teddy and pillow for easy child 2/difficult child 2 (at 21, she STILL has to travel with the same teddy and the same pillow) and an animal-free zone for difficult child 1 (thankfully, he has turned this phobia into an obsession - the aversion therapy worked a little TOO well!). And a easy child who bossed everybody and insisted on control in her environment!

    husband & I are having the quiet rundown now to grandchildren. It will be very interesting!

  10. saman

    saman New Member

    I have one easy child...and she's 2.5...and I now understand why people LOVED the 2-3 year old age...how amazing. Don't get me wrong, she's a spitfire, but she can not hold a candle to what we went thur with Parker!

    With Parker...I had no idea what these people were talking about? Weren't they living these terrible twos? What about the 3's? It was AWFUL. difficult child was our first...and I had nothing else to compare him to, we knew he was different and rough, but really, we didn't know. Looking back it allllll makes sense and all the pieces fit together with where we are today.

    I'm grateful EVERY day for my difficult child..no worries on that end. But its' also kind of nice to be able to experience some 'normalacy' if you will and be able to see what 'everyone' was talking about.

    I really think having a difficult child humbles you and makes you appreciate all the little things..and live in the moment. At least it has for me...taught me patience that I never knew I had! And, as a career woman from the get go...I quit my job for my son...and it absolutely was the right thing to do for him and us. And I wouldn't have it any other way. :smile:
  11. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    Yep....I often wonder "what if". There have been so many times I've done that & then felt awful for even thinking it. I've always said since day #1.....I have difficult child for a reason - haven't figured it out yet though :wink: I also know that it is perfectly normal to feel that way....wondering what it would be like with "normalacy"....we all have to be that hard rock 24/7, be we are only human. So I think it's natural to wonder "what if" every once in awhile.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow Marg!!!

    4sumrzn, I think the only reason I have my difficult child is because if anyone else had him, they would have killed him by now. Or he'd be on the street. I'm only half joking.

    I don't even feel awful/guilty about the "what it would have been like" thing any more. Like, right now. I picked up difficult child from school and he complained about every single thing. I mean EVERY thing, and it's MY fault ... even to the point where I turned right instead of going straight, and, and, and ...
    I finally told him--in an unbelievably calm voice, even for me, LOL--that since he was so negative, he could write 10X "I will not be negative," then clean his room, and not talk around me.

    I opened his door to thank him for the 10x page and he almost slammed the door on my hand.
    He often does what he's told but never does it in a pleasing way.
    Meanwhile, I have to try not to take it personally and when I do, I hide in the bathroom so he doesn't see me crying (shades of the other notes about kids who run away, and how they affect you).

    You know those cartoon characters who have blk clouds over their heads? That's difficult child when he doesn't get his way. Then he gets over it, and the blk cloud goes over my head and I have to figure out a way to get rid of it.

    Again, thanks for listening.
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As I was reading, I was nodding my head a lot. Yup, been there done that, too.

    But, when I got through all the responses all I could think about was just how amazing we all are. LOL! I mean really though. Not many people could live this way. I guess we have to and most would do if they had to. But, it is like a different way of life.

    We are amazing.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, we are, busywend. Sigh.