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I'd like to talk about acceptance
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 626050" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Aha! That would be the one thing I haven't tried! MAybe that is the problem....I overlooked a critical maneuver <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p>MWM I admire your resilience, and always have. Disgust is such a strong word, so hard to live with THAT as how we feel about our kids...and yet he does sometimes disgust me. And even harder to admit, I am sometimes ashamed of or embarassed by him. That feels awful </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think of difficult child as living off the grid...can you get farther off than living under a bridge? People in cities sometimes squat in abandoned houses...in fact difficult child has been wandering around looking for just such an opportunity. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ah, the plans....I would LOVE to know if that is for my benefit (and therefore just a frank lie), a hope, a form of denial, or actually the beginning of a plan. I think I am slowly coming to understand that it is number one. And then we engage in the dance of madness. He tells me his plans...some of them fairly unrealistic, but at least an apparent acknowledgement of wanting to change, to improve his situation. I don't want to crush him, even though the "maybe I'll go back to school and get a phd in psychology" plan, given that he barely got his GED, is a little off. Then he comes up with the basics...he wants a stable place to live, with people who are "doing" something, either following their passion or going to school or working. He wants to take some classes. He wants to hook up with a caseworker, or a psychiatrist, or both. He wants to stay clean. And then..I engage. I start trying to help him follow through..first by the occasional prompt, then, as he appears to make no progress, I start to do things like look up phone numbers and send him links (ugh). I start to get annoyed that nothing is happening. At some point I realize (aha!) that I am putting more effort into it than he is..that is always a grounding moment. And I back away.</p><p></p><p>What are those plans, anyway?</p><p></p><p></p><p>I am sorry to hear that, Alb. It sounds like you learned a lot through what most have been an awful period of your life. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I like that. I've heard it before but today it landed. My expression "I raised him better" is both a reference to early discussions with Cedar and Child, and also a touchstone for me to remind myself that I didn't create this, didn't make him this way, in fact did everything I could to provide a stable home, early intervention for his weirdnesses, tolerance, understanding, one on one time, support at school, everything. So yes, I do understand that the raising is done. But I still feel like I can raise my flag and say "what you are doing is not right. You know better. I raised you better."</p><p>I'm not sure why but it makes me feel better. Its almost distinct from saying "so now tell me what you are going to do about it"...it is almost my sign off to him...go ahead, do what you do , your (dumb) choices are yours, my part is done, I raised you better.</p><p></p><p>But...is it abandoning my role in society to never tell him he is not fulfilling his obligations, his destiny? I told him once that if there were a zombie apocolypse no one would want him in their camp, because he has no skills and no commitment. Weirdly enough that struck him deeply...in the same conversation I asked him about going back to volunteer in a soup kitchen, something he used to do, and told him that I liked him better when he at least volunteered...he told me he liked himself better too. Later both he and his girlfriend of the time told me that that had really hit home. I felt good about that, but of course, here we are 6 months later with no actual result of that. </p><p></p><p>still...shouldn't we shine a light on it sometimes?</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 626050, member: 17269"] Aha! That would be the one thing I haven't tried! MAybe that is the problem....I overlooked a critical maneuver ;) MWM I admire your resilience, and always have. Disgust is such a strong word, so hard to live with THAT as how we feel about our kids...and yet he does sometimes disgust me. And even harder to admit, I am sometimes ashamed of or embarassed by him. That feels awful I think of difficult child as living off the grid...can you get farther off than living under a bridge? People in cities sometimes squat in abandoned houses...in fact difficult child has been wandering around looking for just such an opportunity. Ah, the plans....I would LOVE to know if that is for my benefit (and therefore just a frank lie), a hope, a form of denial, or actually the beginning of a plan. I think I am slowly coming to understand that it is number one. And then we engage in the dance of madness. He tells me his plans...some of them fairly unrealistic, but at least an apparent acknowledgement of wanting to change, to improve his situation. I don't want to crush him, even though the "maybe I'll go back to school and get a phd in psychology" plan, given that he barely got his GED, is a little off. Then he comes up with the basics...he wants a stable place to live, with people who are "doing" something, either following their passion or going to school or working. He wants to take some classes. He wants to hook up with a caseworker, or a psychiatrist, or both. He wants to stay clean. And then..I engage. I start trying to help him follow through..first by the occasional prompt, then, as he appears to make no progress, I start to do things like look up phone numbers and send him links (ugh). I start to get annoyed that nothing is happening. At some point I realize (aha!) that I am putting more effort into it than he is..that is always a grounding moment. And I back away. What are those plans, anyway? I am sorry to hear that, Alb. It sounds like you learned a lot through what most have been an awful period of your life. I like that. I've heard it before but today it landed. My expression "I raised him better" is both a reference to early discussions with Cedar and Child, and also a touchstone for me to remind myself that I didn't create this, didn't make him this way, in fact did everything I could to provide a stable home, early intervention for his weirdnesses, tolerance, understanding, one on one time, support at school, everything. So yes, I do understand that the raising is done. But I still feel like I can raise my flag and say "what you are doing is not right. You know better. I raised you better." I'm not sure why but it makes me feel better. Its almost distinct from saying "so now tell me what you are going to do about it"...it is almost my sign off to him...go ahead, do what you do , your (dumb) choices are yours, my part is done, I raised you better. But...is it abandoning my role in society to never tell him he is not fulfilling his obligations, his destiny? I told him once that if there were a zombie apocolypse no one would want him in their camp, because he has no skills and no commitment. Weirdly enough that struck him deeply...in the same conversation I asked him about going back to volunteer in a soup kitchen, something he used to do, and told him that I liked him better when he at least volunteered...he told me he liked himself better too. Later both he and his girlfriend of the time told me that that had really hit home. I felt good about that, but of course, here we are 6 months later with no actual result of that. still...shouldn't we shine a light on it sometimes? Echo [/QUOTE]
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