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I'd like to talk about acceptance
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 626076" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>I am struggling with the question of whether there is a global right and wrong. I am struggling with a feeling of disgust and despair, with the feeling that he is just a waste, and that that redounds to me. I am pretty good at detaching from the responsibility for him (he doesn't ask me for much anyway, so I don't have the struggle I see in some many other threads of having to refuse requests) . I can't seem to end the judgment. I realized through some of Child's posts that I hadn't really accepted, I was just waiting, more patiently, in a quieter, deeper place, than I was before.</p><p></p><p>This is a theme in my life. I think if I model good behavior, if I do and do and do and make no demands, the people around me will suddenly recognize their shortcomings and how they are letting me down. When that fails, after enough time of being patient...I explode under some point of minimal provocation, and all the suppressed irritation/anger hidden under the quiet patience pours out. This of course is crazy-making for the people around me, bad for me ex-marriage, destructive to all of my children. It took me a great shrink and 50 years of life to cotton on to that one..</p><p></p><p>I digress a bit here but I would say the same thing occured when I embraced meditation and tiptoed towards practicing buddhism...I thought if I practiced loving kindness and nonjudfment and nonattachment that everyone around me would do the same...I would get quite irritated to find that although I had forgiven THEM (sort of) they had not had the same graciousness of spirit to forgive ME> hahahah. so many layers of learing. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>but....can we still turn away from badness? from bad behavior anywhere? if we don't call it out does that mean we condone it? what if no one ever calls anything out? where is the line? He is still in my circle, in my community if you will...aren't we supposed to try to help our community be the best they can? I still talk with my other kids about right and wrong, about paths towards better ways of being...do I drop him out of that loop? and if so, what do I say when he talks about using drugs, or stealing food, or tapping into some one else's electric system, or begging? I guess that is almost the crux of the crisis for me...what do I say then?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Somewhat to my surprise, because I thought I was past all that, this made me cry. I guess I really haven't been able to forgive myself, or to stop grieving or regretting. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I hear you, I see this. I forget this sometimes. The pain, and most especially ALLOWING the pain, is the vehicle. Thank you. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My older sister once told me, of her marriage and of relationships, that the gateway to the next level of intimacy is guarded by dragons, and that sometimes horrible fights and conflicts lead the way to a new depth of closeness and understanding. That resonated with me, and I found it to be true. I have not thought of it with suffering in general, though...I feel hopeful about this...I feel that it is as true as the dragons. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>choosing for myself to survive it. Trying to remember those rules...honestly I do best when I am quite significantly separated from him. HE does not feel best that way...and I feel for his vulnerability when he loses me. so that is where the dance begins. In fact, playing back what has happened here... I went no contact with him for two months, and I felt pretty good by the end...good enough to let him in a little. Then a little became more, I saw him once for lunch and before I knew it he was calling me at least once a day, often more, asking at each call what time he could call the next day, so I started feeling boxed in. He started coming over on the weekends...I tried to make it work for me by multitasking (sure, sweetie, lets meet and walk the dogs together) and I asked him to do small things around the house...but really I was feeling squeezed and oppressed, and feeling guilty about feeling that way because really, what is a phone call? I can't give THAT to one of my kids, especially the most vulnerable of all of them? so then, when we had more contact, I started thinking he might change (I started doing that without realizing it) and getting a little frustrated at his failure to follow up on his plans, and a little frustrated with his choices (taking a week off from work) and failures (losing his SSI and food stamps) and then it kind of hit the fan when he refused his opportunity for a psychiatric tune up even though a few days before he had felt he needed one....</p><p></p><p>so I can track the story.</p><p></p><p>and it starts with too much contact. </p><p></p><p>just that is helpful. </p><p></p><p>I compromised my own ability to survive. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>that is it. Thats what the previous paragraph is. It is such an important exercise..."how did I get here AGAIN"</p><p>And I have not meditated in while. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I will </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I was really hoping this would be a useful thread for me as well as for others. I'm glad it is working out!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 626076, member: 17269"] I am struggling with the question of whether there is a global right and wrong. I am struggling with a feeling of disgust and despair, with the feeling that he is just a waste, and that that redounds to me. I am pretty good at detaching from the responsibility for him (he doesn't ask me for much anyway, so I don't have the struggle I see in some many other threads of having to refuse requests) . I can't seem to end the judgment. I realized through some of Child's posts that I hadn't really accepted, I was just waiting, more patiently, in a quieter, deeper place, than I was before. This is a theme in my life. I think if I model good behavior, if I do and do and do and make no demands, the people around me will suddenly recognize their shortcomings and how they are letting me down. When that fails, after enough time of being patient...I explode under some point of minimal provocation, and all the suppressed irritation/anger hidden under the quiet patience pours out. This of course is crazy-making for the people around me, bad for me ex-marriage, destructive to all of my children. It took me a great shrink and 50 years of life to cotton on to that one.. I digress a bit here but I would say the same thing occured when I embraced meditation and tiptoed towards practicing buddhism...I thought if I practiced loving kindness and nonjudfment and nonattachment that everyone around me would do the same...I would get quite irritated to find that although I had forgiven THEM (sort of) they had not had the same graciousness of spirit to forgive ME> hahahah. so many layers of learing. but....can we still turn away from badness? from bad behavior anywhere? if we don't call it out does that mean we condone it? what if no one ever calls anything out? where is the line? He is still in my circle, in my community if you will...aren't we supposed to try to help our community be the best they can? I still talk with my other kids about right and wrong, about paths towards better ways of being...do I drop him out of that loop? and if so, what do I say when he talks about using drugs, or stealing food, or tapping into some one else's electric system, or begging? I guess that is almost the crux of the crisis for me...what do I say then? Somewhat to my surprise, because I thought I was past all that, this made me cry. I guess I really haven't been able to forgive myself, or to stop grieving or regretting. I hear you, I see this. I forget this sometimes. The pain, and most especially ALLOWING the pain, is the vehicle. Thank you. My older sister once told me, of her marriage and of relationships, that the gateway to the next level of intimacy is guarded by dragons, and that sometimes horrible fights and conflicts lead the way to a new depth of closeness and understanding. That resonated with me, and I found it to be true. I have not thought of it with suffering in general, though...I feel hopeful about this...I feel that it is as true as the dragons. choosing for myself to survive it. Trying to remember those rules...honestly I do best when I am quite significantly separated from him. HE does not feel best that way...and I feel for his vulnerability when he loses me. so that is where the dance begins. In fact, playing back what has happened here... I went no contact with him for two months, and I felt pretty good by the end...good enough to let him in a little. Then a little became more, I saw him once for lunch and before I knew it he was calling me at least once a day, often more, asking at each call what time he could call the next day, so I started feeling boxed in. He started coming over on the weekends...I tried to make it work for me by multitasking (sure, sweetie, lets meet and walk the dogs together) and I asked him to do small things around the house...but really I was feeling squeezed and oppressed, and feeling guilty about feeling that way because really, what is a phone call? I can't give THAT to one of my kids, especially the most vulnerable of all of them? so then, when we had more contact, I started thinking he might change (I started doing that without realizing it) and getting a little frustrated at his failure to follow up on his plans, and a little frustrated with his choices (taking a week off from work) and failures (losing his SSI and food stamps) and then it kind of hit the fan when he refused his opportunity for a psychiatric tune up even though a few days before he had felt he needed one.... so I can track the story. and it starts with too much contact. just that is helpful. I compromised my own ability to survive. that is it. Thats what the previous paragraph is. It is such an important exercise..."how did I get here AGAIN" And I have not meditated in while. I will I was really hoping this would be a useful thread for me as well as for others. I'm glad it is working out! [/QUOTE]
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