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I'd like to talk about acceptance
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 626144" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>In my opinion, acceptance of our difficult child's and the lifestyles they have chosen is a part of a larger picture. Acceptance of life with all of the sorrows and the joys as it is is at the crux of it. We strive to create lives of peace and a certain "ground" to stand on which keeps us safe and in control, but as we all know, life just isn't like that, there are always changes, always opportunities to shift our perceptions, our thoughts, our ideas, our well thought out beliefs........it is an ever changing universe and the way we humans often attempt to survive it all is by control and drawing lines in the sand which are clearly right and wrong, over there or over here, up or down, black or white. It is what we do. </p><p></p><p>Our difficult child's have given us their version of a way of life we don't like, we can't condone, we want changed........and we can't make it happen the way we want, so it forces us to address the underlying control issues we all have. It's scary stuff to be out of control. It puts us out there without anything to stand on. It's fear.</p><p></p><p>I think that's why detachment and acceptance are so challenging for us to wrap our heads around........we want to define it, categorize it, fit it into a model we can understand and work on...........however, it seems beyond that to me........it's a minute to minute choice we continue to make as life hits us between the eyes each day.................we choose to accept rather then fight or rail against it, or want it to be black or white.........or we blame someone or blame ourselves.........all the ways we cope and try to find some place to stand when in the truest sense, there really is no place to stand. </p><p></p><p>I am not sure I am putting this into words that make any sense, it is somewhat esoteric in nature and difficult to place into a form. I am just beginning to grasp it in my own life. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps this paragraph from <u>The places that scare you</u> by Pema Chodron will make it easier to understand.</p><p></p><p>"<em>As we tentatively step out of our cocoon, we're bound to be afraid and grab onto what is familiar.Without ongoing patience and kindness towards this inevitable process, we will never trust that it is wise and compassionate to relax into the egoless state. We have to gradually develop the confidence that it it liberating to let go. It takes time to develop enthusiasm for how remaining open really feels.</em></p><p><em>A first step is to understand that a feeling of dread or psychological discomfort might just be a sign that old habits are being liberated, that we are moving closer to a natural open state. Trungpa Rinpoche said that awakening warriors would find themselves in a constant state of anxiety. Personally, I have found this to be true. After awhile I realized that since the shakiness wasn't going away, I might as well get to know it. When our attitude towards fear becomes more welcoming and inquisitive, there's a fundamental shift that occurs. Instead of spending our lives tensing up, as if we were in the dentist's chair, we learn that we can connect with the freshness of the moment and relax."</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Our<em> difficult child's </em>place us in that "constant state of anxiety". I think the "shift" that is taking place for me right now is "connecting with the freshness of the moment." With my difficult child, I have to show up new each time, make different choices, it isn't a blanket statement of I am always going to say no, or I am never going to see her again, that would actually be easier to do.........it is the continuing choice to stay open in each moment, to be present in each moment and make my choices with my boundaries intact but my heart opened. That is the hardest thing for me to do. And, that is what I am committed to do because I do believe that is where there is peace. And, it is a practice.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 626144, member: 13542"] In my opinion, acceptance of our difficult child's and the lifestyles they have chosen is a part of a larger picture. Acceptance of life with all of the sorrows and the joys as it is is at the crux of it. We strive to create lives of peace and a certain "ground" to stand on which keeps us safe and in control, but as we all know, life just isn't like that, there are always changes, always opportunities to shift our perceptions, our thoughts, our ideas, our well thought out beliefs........it is an ever changing universe and the way we humans often attempt to survive it all is by control and drawing lines in the sand which are clearly right and wrong, over there or over here, up or down, black or white. It is what we do. Our difficult child's have given us their version of a way of life we don't like, we can't condone, we want changed........and we can't make it happen the way we want, so it forces us to address the underlying control issues we all have. It's scary stuff to be out of control. It puts us out there without anything to stand on. It's fear. I think that's why detachment and acceptance are so challenging for us to wrap our heads around........we want to define it, categorize it, fit it into a model we can understand and work on...........however, it seems beyond that to me........it's a minute to minute choice we continue to make as life hits us between the eyes each day.................we choose to accept rather then fight or rail against it, or want it to be black or white.........or we blame someone or blame ourselves.........all the ways we cope and try to find some place to stand when in the truest sense, there really is no place to stand. I am not sure I am putting this into words that make any sense, it is somewhat esoteric in nature and difficult to place into a form. I am just beginning to grasp it in my own life. Perhaps this paragraph from [U]The places that scare you[/U] by Pema Chodron will make it easier to understand. "[I]As we tentatively step out of our cocoon, we're bound to be afraid and grab onto what is familiar.Without ongoing patience and kindness towards this inevitable process, we will never trust that it is wise and compassionate to relax into the egoless state. We have to gradually develop the confidence that it it liberating to let go. It takes time to develop enthusiasm for how remaining open really feels. A first step is to understand that a feeling of dread or psychological discomfort might just be a sign that old habits are being liberated, that we are moving closer to a natural open state. Trungpa Rinpoche said that awakening warriors would find themselves in a constant state of anxiety. Personally, I have found this to be true. After awhile I realized that since the shakiness wasn't going away, I might as well get to know it. When our attitude towards fear becomes more welcoming and inquisitive, there's a fundamental shift that occurs. Instead of spending our lives tensing up, as if we were in the dentist's chair, we learn that we can connect with the freshness of the moment and relax." [/I] Our[I] difficult child's [/I]place us in that "constant state of anxiety". I think the "shift" that is taking place for me right now is "connecting with the freshness of the moment." With my difficult child, I have to show up new each time, make different choices, it isn't a blanket statement of I am always going to say no, or I am never going to see her again, that would actually be easier to do.........it is the continuing choice to stay open in each moment, to be present in each moment and make my choices with my boundaries intact but my heart opened. That is the hardest thing for me to do. And, that is what I am committed to do because I do believe that is where there is peace. And, it is a practice............. [/QUOTE]
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