ideas for rewards systems?

[therese005us]

I did mention a little of this in my other post, but I want to try and instill some independence/gratitude in His Lordship. I make at least 5 trips of 40km round to take him to work/video shops/mates etc. plus all the normal duties of a mother.

I have only been charging him $50 board a week which I know is cheap. However, it wasn't about money when he came home, and it still isn't. Now it's about his attitude towards helping out "because I already pay board"

I want to try a chart/points system. Does anyone have some ideas? Jobs, for points, points for rewards (but in this case, he will earn his trip to the video shop, or the ride to work, or his meals etc. ) I tried to look one up on the internet, but I'm very challenged in this area. Could someone tell me, 'click here' and I'll find it?

Someone suggested, charge $X for hourly rate of my time to do for him.

 

[Andy]

He can earn points by keeping his room picked up and helping with chores.

Include indoor and outdoor chores on the list.

 

[ML]

I always have trouble sticking to the chart systems. I had to laugh at his lordship; I often refer too manster as "his majesty". Too cute.

 

[susiestar]

STOP. I posted on the other thread.

If he was 12 I could maybe see this. Or a 15 or 16 yo. But he is a legal adult. A MAN.

You are using a method that is notorious for not working for a difficult child for more than a couple of weeks. He is a 19yo difficult child and this is just one more way he has YOU jumping through hoops and doing all his work for him.

He will NOT. EVER. BE. RESPONSIBLE. LIVING. AT. HOME.

 

[Iamwipedouttoo]

I'm struggling with this as well.

I want to help my child be successful but at 17 I have to accept that her choices are her own.

It is the mom in me that keeps wanting to help her. I just can't turn my back on her. I keep thinking if I just "do this" she'll "get it" this time around.

Unfortunately, rewards don't seem to work with her unless she receives 100% of the benefit with the least amount of effort and time. I am still struggling with whether that is the ADHD or her being a brat or a combination of the two.

So where does that leave me? A mess. I want to do everything I can to help her but she has to want my help and she doesn't at this point. She is so angry she just wants out of our "unreasonable" (yeah, right) home. She wants it so bad she has no plan to get there, too (I won't even get started on our recent therapy session when the therapist confronted her on that).

My husband has already said that unless she starts to be reasonable that she is out when she is 18. If she chooses to stay she will have to pay rent and follow some basic house rules geared toward a "boarder". If she decides that won't work, he is going to require she leave.

I'm a mess about this because there is pretty much a 99% chance at this point that is where she is headed. She is not prepared. I am not prepared for that either, though I probably should prepare. I just keep hoping therapy will help us all so we can avoid that situation all together. Maybe I'm in denial.

I wish I had some advice for you. I really do. I guess I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your feeling like you need to try something.

 

[Iamwipedouttoo]

I wanted to add that the bank allows me to live in my home as long as I pay the mortgage but that doens't include free chauffer service or daily maid service...

The question is how do you make a difficult child understand that? Especially an adult.

EDIT: I just found the other thread Susie talked about. Thank you for being so frank there. I actually copied what you and rlsnight wrote and will keep it with me for those times I need strength.

 

[Babbs]

I know that if I don't keep my apartment within a certain cleanliness standard I can still be evicted - even though I pay rent on time every month.

Perhaps you need to phrase what needs to be done in a different manner. Doing chores is not "helping out" - it is part of taking care of oneself as an adult. If he were living on his own or with a roommate they would be an automatic part of necessity.

Have you thought about setting up a lease with him? Which details the responsibilities he is expected to perform along with the room and board payment? And if the responsibilities are not done and you have to perform them for hygiene's sake he then will be responsible to pay $X amount for the cost?