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Family of Origin
Identity after realizing you have no real FOO (Family of Origin). My thoughts.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 661950" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am stronger inside as I...as all these pieces of what my family of origin does do sort of fall together in my mind. Denial is very, very strong. In writing about this, that, or the next incident, I am seeing the picture come together in a way I seem not to have allowed in the past. Well, it isn't exactly as if I am allowing it now, either. It is just that all these words I am writing present a certain picture of reality that keeps being the very thing I spend so much time circling around.</p><p></p><p>And not believing myself about.</p><p></p><p>But I wish it could be different. I wish that with all my heart. Probably I should be grateful that I can see. There must have been a time when I could not, a time when I was just like them.</p><p></p><p>D H has always found my sister and my mom...rude would be the word.</p><p></p><p>Rude people, pushy people. He describes their worst sin as "fakey". That is what he says about them. He doesn't talk about them now unless I need to. He says he is glad they are out of our lives.</p><p></p><p>So, that is interesting, too.</p><p></p><p>He doesn't feel taken advantage of. He feels I have been taken advantage of, and continues to admonish me regarding their intentions toward me if he dies before I do, or if we divorce.</p><p></p><p>So...I probably am correct in my interpretations of their actions, then.</p><p></p><p>I keep stumbling over that.</p><p></p><p>Duh.</p><p></p><p>*** </p><p></p><p>Unless I am wrong, my FOO is ~ I don't know. It's like its fuel of choice is toxicity, though cherishing and acceptance and determination to see it through, to heal it, would run the engine as well or better. I know this is so because of the Benedictines, because of their attitudes toward one another and to each of us.</p><p></p><p>I am flirting with the idea that I am foolish, again. That I am "the romantic one" as my mother has described me.</p><p></p><p>Or that I should just not think.</p><p></p><p>Which is code for the way I think and how unconnected to reality I am. She must be wrong about that, too. I have lived my life with that motto "I have been a fool for lesser things." Maybe, that was never necessary at all.</p><p></p><p>There is shame in what I am accessing and processing, today.</p><p></p><p>Good.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p>So, that is what is happening to me today around the issue of who I am without my FOO.</p><p></p><p>I am okay.</p><p></p><p>Denial is such a strong force, though. Could I be interpreting this incorrectly?</p><p></p><p>No.</p><p></p><p>But I keep wanting to be interpreting this incorrectly. </p><p></p><p>Maybe time will heal this. It feels like I've lost the war, in a way. Remember that Laurel and Hardy movie where the skinny one has never left his post though the war is long over and everyone else has gone home?</p><p></p><p>That is what this part feels like.</p><p></p><p>I can't believe the war is over.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't even matter who's won.</p><p></p><p>So, this tells me how much of my energy went into deciphering the world through those filters. Imagine how much brain power I will have, once this part is finally over and behind me. I mean, think about how much energy it must take to keep denial roaring away in the face of the things that happen in my FOO.</p><p></p><p>It may turn out that I think just fine.</p><p></p><p>Well, I mean, think about it. It would make sense that I would think it through and that my mother would attack that. Given that her intentions were to keep the same weird energies roaring away.</p><p></p><p>So I suppose I must always have wondered whether I ~ well, that is probably why I was convinced I must be stupid, to have been unable to change anything for my kids.</p><p></p><p>Thanks, mom.</p><p></p><p>Here comes the sun, everyone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 661950, member: 17461"] I am stronger inside as I...as all these pieces of what my family of origin does do sort of fall together in my mind. Denial is very, very strong. In writing about this, that, or the next incident, I am seeing the picture come together in a way I seem not to have allowed in the past. Well, it isn't exactly as if I am allowing it now, either. It is just that all these words I am writing present a certain picture of reality that keeps being the very thing I spend so much time circling around. And not believing myself about. But I wish it could be different. I wish that with all my heart. Probably I should be grateful that I can see. There must have been a time when I could not, a time when I was just like them. D H has always found my sister and my mom...rude would be the word. Rude people, pushy people. He describes their worst sin as "fakey". That is what he says about them. He doesn't talk about them now unless I need to. He says he is glad they are out of our lives. So, that is interesting, too. He doesn't feel taken advantage of. He feels I have been taken advantage of, and continues to admonish me regarding their intentions toward me if he dies before I do, or if we divorce. So...I probably am correct in my interpretations of their actions, then. I keep stumbling over that. Duh. *** Unless I am wrong, my FOO is ~ I don't know. It's like its fuel of choice is toxicity, though cherishing and acceptance and determination to see it through, to heal it, would run the engine as well or better. I know this is so because of the Benedictines, because of their attitudes toward one another and to each of us. I am flirting with the idea that I am foolish, again. That I am "the romantic one" as my mother has described me. Or that I should just not think. Which is code for the way I think and how unconnected to reality I am. She must be wrong about that, too. I have lived my life with that motto "I have been a fool for lesser things." Maybe, that was never necessary at all. There is shame in what I am accessing and processing, today. Good. Cedar So, that is what is happening to me today around the issue of who I am without my FOO. I am okay. Denial is such a strong force, though. Could I be interpreting this incorrectly? No. But I keep wanting to be interpreting this incorrectly. Maybe time will heal this. It feels like I've lost the war, in a way. Remember that Laurel and Hardy movie where the skinny one has never left his post though the war is long over and everyone else has gone home? That is what this part feels like. I can't believe the war is over. It doesn't even matter who's won. So, this tells me how much of my energy went into deciphering the world through those filters. Imagine how much brain power I will have, once this part is finally over and behind me. I mean, think about how much energy it must take to keep denial roaring away in the face of the things that happen in my FOO. It may turn out that I think just fine. Well, I mean, think about it. It would make sense that I would think it through and that my mother would attack that. Given that her intentions were to keep the same weird energies roaring away. So I suppose I must always have wondered whether I ~ well, that is probably why I was convinced I must be stupid, to have been unable to change anything for my kids. Thanks, mom. Here comes the sun, everyone. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin
Identity after realizing you have no real FOO (Family of Origin). My thoughts.
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