If anyone can handle one more daughter in law rant/story...(long)

[BusynMember]

I don't care if I'm talking to myself. I need to rant .
My daughter told me she'd like to have Thanksgiving at her house. It's a very small house, but it's her house and she's proud of it and she's a chef by profession and loves to cook. She wants to have Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first year in her own home. I said ok. We are having it on Friday at 1, rather than Thursday because she is cooking for her SO's family on Thursday (his mom works Friday). It would be hard to fit his family plus us in her small living room. You can't eat in her kitchen. Too small.

Meanwhile, I get a sudden belated call from my daughter in law. She says that she's having Thanksgiving at Friday at 1 so that all of us can be together. She doesn't want my grandson George to go to my daughter's house because he clung to her the last time he was there and she is sure that it's because my daughter has a small house and he doesn't have room to run. He needs his toys. Plus he naps at 1:00 so it would be perfect at her house.

My ex called me up to tell me that we are having it at my son's house. Every single holiday is a huge drama that makes me want to stay home, but I like to see my grown kids, especially my daughter.

Anyhooo, the first plans I made were with my daughter at her house so I said we were going there. My two children who still live here and my hub would rather go there, small and all, because they make us feel at home and daughter in law never has. My daughter is very sensitive and I know she'd be heartbroken if I went to my daughter in law/son's house rather than hers. I just love being torn in half. We decided to stick to our original plan. We told son and daughter in law to just bring grandson over after he wakes up, but suddenly it's not about his nap, it's about the small house and how he clung to daughter in law the last time she was there. She said, "I couldn't even go to the bathroom!"

It was true. He doesn't know us because he never sees us. I have sent pictures of us to show him etc., but she doesn't. We are new people to him. I think that's why he was clingy, not the house. Heck, he gets dragged to her family's houses all the time, but they are BIG houses, so it's different.

Is my fatigue showing yet?

And the reason she picked Friday and 1, which was a coincidence (it really was) was that she is spending all day seeing HER family. She sees them every day, and we come in four times a year, but when THEY tell her when Thanksgiving is going to happen, she goes and we get no time.

This does happen EVERY holiday. Well, when it all shook out last night, and I'd spoken to my daughter multiple times, my daughter in law, my son who hung up after telling me "I'm not going to argue" (take my word on this, HE was the one arguing. I was being very careful to be low key) and my ex twice, everyone was upset with everyone else and I had stuck to my guns about going to my daughter's house. It would have broken her heart if I hadn't.

I told son and daughter in law we could drop by later, but didn't really get an answer. I think my son mumbled, "Ok. Yeah." I'll need to qualify that later.

I'm looking SO forward to Christmas so that the same garbage can go down. At any rate, it will be more pleasant at my daughter's. She is sweet and loving and a great cook. Her SO is quiet and doesn't make us feel uncomfortable...we all get along. I just feel bad that I have to choose between my kids, but that's the spot I get put in a lot. Part of it is that my daughter in law has to make sure she sees all her familys, and I sympathize, but I live in another state. I need to know where we are going before we come in.

Does anyone else have this huge drama for holidays? I doubt it . I'd have Thanksgiving up here, but both of my kids have very good reasons why this would be hard to do so that's out.

I really hope I did the right thing. I got a very sweet e-mail from my daughter saying "Thank you. I just want to have Thanksgiving and Christmas here the first year in my new house. After that, I don't care. I love you so much."

On the other hand, I know my daughter in law is ticked.To be honest, my son can be a very cold person. He was quite a difficult child when younger and used to torture his little sister when I was at work (tickling her until she couldn't stand it, forcing her to watch porn movies, etc). He used to chop off the heads of her stuffed animals and laugh at her reaction. He was in counseling until he wouldn't go anymore. I thought he changed, and he has, but there is still sometimes a coldness about him. It makes me sad because if he weren't my son, I wouldn't chose him as a friend. And my daughter in law is a big puzzle. This morning, I am truly perplexed, but I think I did the right thing by not changing my plans.

After my adopted son Scott took off on us, I really didn't want any conflict with my other children, but I don't think this is going to get better. I'm not blaming her...or him. The situation with them, who they are, who I am, who my daughter is...it's not clicking well. I think daughter in law meant well, but she never once called me to say, "I'd like to have Thanksgiving." By now plans are already made. And daughter in law won't call my daughter and my daughter wants as little to do with daughter in law as possible so she doesn't call her either. There is no communication with daughter in law, so me and my daughter made plans...

Can I say BAH!!! HUMBUG????????? Actually, I think Thanksgiving will be nice and peaceful, but...I don't want another estranged child. Sometimes I wish I'd never had any kids. My two oldest boys have caused so much heartache.

Thanks for reading. It was therapeutic.

 

[WhymeMom?]

I think you did the right thing. Generally, the first invitation is highest on my list, plus it's always nice to go where you are actually wanted. I would encourage at least son to come to daughters Friday meal even if daughter in law and "baby" must stay home to cling together for nap in a larger place.......said with dripping sarcasm....... A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life.....It sounds as if the old saying holds true for you.... hope you can ease the stress of holidays.........

 

[BusynMember]

I never understood that statement until my kids grew up. My daughter and I have a very strong bond, and she wasn't an easy kid. But the boys...they tend to just go along with the wife

 

[busywend]

First invitation holds. Enjoy! Don't stress over it!

 

[Mattsmom277]

Urgh! I have to say I do understand the drama that can ensue for families during holidays. I always hear from friends of their lovely holidays without drama, with a big sigh I fight off the urge to ask them adopt me and my children! It is always that way with us. Well, actually, it always WAS that way. Until I just took myself out of the equation. I do what feels right and works for me and the kids and S/O now. Sometimes its my family, sometimes its his family, of course with my family it requires multiple (draining and exhausting) gatherings to juggle those who wont' be in a room with others. We also choose more than 50% to do our own thing at home without any balancing act.

I hope you enjoy Thanksgiving. Your daughter asked first. You had accepted. I truly belive you can't please everybody all of the time, so don't let it faze you. You can bet, like it is in life, that your daughter in law and son will just go about their day. So don't let it get you down. Enjoy the gathering and I dont' blame your daughter for wanting to have it in her first home of her own. Its an exciting time for new home owners.

 

[Fran]

I say go with the first invitation. It's polite and the right thing to do.
I'm assuming daughter in law is going to her own family Thursday for Thanksgiving.

Blending in law families is an art that's for sure. Everyone likes their own traditions and routines and it's hard to get excited about another families rituals at the holidays.

 

[DammitJanet]

Life is a beach and then you die...lol.

We do this balancing act every holiday now that we have the multiple, blended families. It gets very complicated with our crew. Not only do we have Jamie and his family out of state but we have to work in the schedule of Keyana and her mothers family. Then, of course, we also have to schedule some time with MY father...lol. It can get very frantic.

This year for Thanksgiving Jamie was supposed to come down here. Remember the nuggets? LOL. Well now he tells us he has to work that weekend so he will come the weekend after. OK. Now Cory wants to have Thanksgiving at his place. OK. Only problem is the boy has no cookware...lol. This means he has to borrow all my pots and pans. OK. So we drag all my stuff over to his place so he can cook a turkey I bought for him (and probably more ingredients I buy...lol) but he will cook. Good enough...he wants to do this.

Maybe we will have Keyana...probably will. Lindsey normally lets us have her on holidays. Or maybe we will do it on Friday and she will have her on Thursday to do Thanksgiving twice. Not a big deal. We can manage this. Compromise!

Christmas is a bigger deal. We wont do Christmas with Jamie this year because he is going to Billies family. Ok. That means we do it here but we are going to my dads for an overnight with Keyana so she can get her present from him. Lindsey wont have a problem with that. She never does. We always get her either the week before or the week after. Normally we have her on Christmas eve and day. Have since she was born. And yes I think that is abnormal but I wont argue. We will just find a way to meet up with Jamie and his family some time around the Christmas time to exchange presents. It can be done!

 

[Star*]

What drama??? I see no drama.

I see a Mom who was lovingly invited by a daughter who cares about her and
gave the first invitation which was graciously accepted. PERIOD.

If the Christmas thing comes up -drama solved....for the next 100 years? Daughter has already invited you first.

I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns MWM. Thing is? DILweed will never understand no matter HOW much explanation goes with your reasoning - so you may as well be HAPPY, and have LAUGHTER and good memories because that's what FAMILY is about. It's not like THEY were not invited Know what I mean?? They just have made so many special needs concessions on their own terms that no one could accomodate them. Their fault not anyone elses. If they were a tad more flexible? Things could be worked through. They want to be rigid? They can be alone. End of discussion.

HAPPY DAY FOR YOU!!!

 

[BusynMember]

I talked to daughter in law today. From now on, she has going to her family one year and ours the following year. FINE!!!! I don't CARE anymore. I told her so, in a nicer way. She said she would bring George to my daughter's house after he wakes up from his nap, probably around three. I have decided to just no longer angst over George. I'll never be close to him. We live too far, and daughter in law and son do not go out of their way to include us in his life, such as putting him on the phone when we call, or showing him pictures of us, or even talking about us. Fine, fine, fine. My daughter's period is late...I don't want her to have a baby now...she is very upset and does not want to be pregnant as it is before her and her SO planned on kids...but she still may be! Now if she isn't, she'll still have children one day and I'll get to be a REAL grandma. So be it.

So it looks like we will all be at daughters. On Christmas daughter in law actually invited us over Christmas morning to watch George open his presents and to exchange presents. That will work out well. Then we can spend the rest of the holiday with daughter.

Really, I don't mind running all over if people want to see us, but we have such a small family that there's nowhere to run. My dad usually comes wherever we go, but he can't this year (since we are having T-giving on Friday, he has a doctor's appointment. and the doctor said that if he cancels it can be a long time before he gets back in). Other than my dad, son and family and daughter and SO plus my ex, that's all there is...there ain't no more

 

[klmno]

I also think you did the right thing. It's not a "six of one; hallf dozen of the other"- it would have been wrong to change the plans after you accepted the first offer with your daughter. Keep reminding yourself not to engage when son or daughter in law bring this up. If you want to offer to discuss things with both families to coordinate scheddules prior to setting dates and times for Christmas, that would be as far as I would go.

You snuck in on me- I think you handled this last plan well, too. Don't worry about the future- daughter in law could change it 15 times by next year.

 

[DDD]

Hip Hip Hooray for daughter in law! I really am impressed that she took the initiative to change her plan, seek two opportunities for you guys to bond with George and came up with an idea for alternating years. That girl has some potential.

on the other hand, my daughter in law has agreed to come to our house for Thanksgiving. Their family comes every year........but........I am not informed until a week or two before. WTH??? She will (or my son will "on her behalf") call Wed. afternoon to ask "can I bring something?" Since she absolutely does not know how to cook after 20 years of marriage...uh...my answer will be the same "thanks for asking but I think I've got it squared away". They live seven hours away.

Oh yeah....we have not been invited to any of their last four homes. I honestly don't know what part of the City they live in. That really fries
husband, by the way. Yeah, family is interesting. I think your daughter in law has potential...at least compared with mine. LOL DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Well, my ex got furious with our son last night and called and yelled at them that if they didn't come, he was done with my son and they could just have NO family. He does tend to lose it at times. They don't want to get on his bad side. They borrow money from him a lot. WE don't have any money to lend. So I think that swayed both son and daughter in law a little.

I'm fine with their decision. I told them it was nobody's fault, that the night before everyone had been upset and not to worry about it. I really hope we can have plans every year because this drama is something we can always count on right before the holidays. I lived with so much drama for so many years, I just have a low tolerance for it anymore and am very quick to forgive and forget in the name of peace

 

[Shari]

FWIF, come Nov 1, I think my blood pressure jumps 20 points, only its not my kids, its the Broom Closet.
***
At 80 years old, she refuses to give up her traditions so that her children can have their own. Now that she is self-proclaimed too crippled to cook (yet can stand for 4 hours at an auction and buy $400 worth of glassware), her daughter is now going into her home to prepare the meal, as the woman refused the option of one of us having TG instead.
***
Whatever.
***
Her grandchildren are old enough to have children, yet her kids aren't allowed to do their own thing yet. It just makes my skin crawl to even think about having to go.
***
(and its probably made even harder to deal with because my exMIL was always so careful to ask if one of the daughter in law's wanted to host the holiday each year...she remembered being young and wanting to host the meals...Two Brooms? Apparently doesn't recall that.)
***
Just know you're not alone in dreading the holiday BS.
***
But I think you did the right thing. daughter in law's got a beef. Let her enjoy it. But I do hope the problem is solved for future years.

 

[susiestar]

Sorry that there was so much conflama. The first invite that is accepted is the priority. If others can fit in, fine. If not, that is that.

Your daughter is very sweet. I hope you can enjoy your time with her and that your son and daughter in law will tone down their conflama. Maybe if you continue to stick with your guns and NOT give in to the manipulation and drama then son and daughter in law will start to behave more appropriately.

Either way I am sending you a cornucopia of hugs and friendship for this special time with your daughter and family.

 

[skeeter]

I was drug all over the city on Christmas when I was little. I hated it.

When my oldest was born, I spent that Christmas Eve driving him home, alone (his father had met us) from the in-laws. He screamed all 12 miles, he was so over tired.

I decided right there, I would have Christmas Day dinner. I'd make a turkey or ham, and anyone that wanted to come could come. Some times I've had just my mom, other times I've had 25 people. Makes no difference to me (turkey or ham keeps).

My oldest hasn't been home the past 4 Christmas (due to the Navy). I don't know where he and his wife will spend it - and that's fine with me. They can come here, or they can come another day. It's just not worth the anguish to me.