If I didn't think I'd go to h*ll, I'd kill myself

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by indeeptrouble, May 10, 2010.

  1. I won't do it, but if wasn't scared about where I'd end up I might. I can't wait to get the Prozac tomorrow. I hate my husband and I even hate my difficult child right now.
    I feel like getting married to husband was the worst mistake I ever made.
    I should have run screaming the other way the one time he showed his true colors while we were dating - he coerced me into giving him 0ral s3x - I was crying the whole time and I don't think he even knew. Or if he did, he didn't care.
    I can't survive financially without him - because of difficult child I can't work a full time job and am barely holding on to my part time one. He's such a jerk!!! (both of them)
    They had a screaming match both last night and tonight, both times ended up with husband screaming at me. difficult child has already had his screaming fit at me today - he hates me, of course.
    I would like to know what the hell I ever did to deserve this life?!
    s3xually abused since age 5 or so, told my Mom many times, she did nothing. Ended up with husband and verbal/emotional abuse. If I had only divorced him when I planned to after easy child was born. Told my Dad I was going to divorce him and he got tears in his eyes. I couldn't do it. How stupid - if I had only known how much more pain was in store for me (and Dad as he watches my life). Would have been a lot less painful to divorce then, difficult child would never have been born and maybe I would have gotten a good guy.
    I wouldn't re-marry now on a dare - might get another one like or worse than husband.
    I'm actually jealous of my boss -her husband just died and she got life insurance money out of it. Wish it was me.
     
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Sweetie,
    I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Please if you actually think you might do something call someone to talk right now. Also it sounds like you have so much to deal with; are you seeing a therapist? Many hugs-know that we care about you.
     
  3. Thanks - no I really would NOT do anything like that and I'm even feeling a bit better now. I just am so very very tired of this life. No therapist - last time I saw one was years ago to help me stop cutting - I started doing that in high school in response to all the s3xual abuse I had been suffering for so many years.
    So I'm actually much healthier than I used to be - I was just feeling overwhelmed. I still hate husband though.
     
  4. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    {hugs} Your situation is very difficult right now. I understand. So much going on and hard for you to think but if you can take even a moment, and you "know" you don't want to be with your husband anymore seek some therapy. Get yourself stronger. Formulate a plan and make that move, if you still want to when you are ready. Where there is a will, there is a way, no matter how bad it is......always. But you have to get yourself stronger first and living day to day with this in your life, these battles with no support isn't going to be easier. Build up your strength, then make your decision, if there is one to be made (although it does sound like there is one to me). I'm here with you, we all are. Hang tough. Know that with time (I know, you don't like that fact right now), you will reach your goal. Come back here. Yell, scream, vent, what ever. We're all listening! ;)
     
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs. You're definitely not alone. Please take some time to get some help for you.
     
  6. xlagirl

    xlagirl Guest

    Hi,

    I can really relate to your situation. I was in a marriage that was aweful...and I felt Stuck! I didn't have the finances to leave, and I have two children to think of.
    He was an alcoholic, and very emotionally abusive to me.

    I was in and out of the hospital for my depression, and I went in to therapy. With the help of my therapist, I figured out that I was my husband's enabeler!
    I finally got strong enough to leave him last year in Sept. I had very little money.... but we left and never looked back!

    My kids and I are sooo much better now with him out of our lives. My difficult child is still struggling with all the changes, and the loss of yet another father figure.
    I have not yet filed for divorce, but it's coming as soon as I can afford to file. I no longer have any contact with him.... and a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders!

    My depression is now under control, and I no longer feel...as you mentioned....
    Get back on your Prozac, and I hope you find the strength to walk out of your bad marriage! There is a happy Life out there waiting for you!

    Best Wishes
     
  7. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    There is nothing worse than the continuous erosion of who you are by the constant screaming at you
    and blaming you. I haven't been in your marital situation but I know that having to be the butt of everyone's
    anger and emotional drama leaves me numb and full of anger.
    Mother's are supposed to protect you. I finally realized that my mother's own discomfort with anything sexual
    prevented her from seeing signs of inappropriate behavior. She was supposed to rise above herself and take up for
    her children. Not all mom's are warrior mom's unfortunately.

    I'm sorry that you feel so bad. Hope the medications help your thinking and you can find a more productive way to create
    the life you want.
    I hate screaming. You have my sympathies.
     
  8. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    I have been there several times over the past few years ~ Please ~ even though - you say you won't - you are in deep pain ~

    Run - don't walk to the nearest phone and make an appointment ~ Honey ~ You need to speak to a DR ~ Counseling - it will help you find strength and medication can help you see more clearly without the emotion. Come here and talk ~ whatever will help.

    I always tell my kids - If you keep pushing the 11th floor button - you will never get off on the 12th floor.

    You can't change your husband or your son - But - you can change yourself - It's not easy but take one day at a time ~

    Many Prayers sent your way ~
     
  9. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    It is my humble opinion that cohersing you into a sexual act is RAPE! Please call a domestic violence hotline and ask for help. Keep venting here, it helps to be seen and heard. That's what you need : to be seen and heard!
     
  10. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    Don't stay in that relationship, don't do it. Your children are more aware of what's going on between you and "dear" H. In the end the ones that suffer the most (and speaking from experience here, my parents stayed together 21 years through my dad's gambling addictions, hard drug addictions and alcoholism as well as cheating). Despite them thinking they were hiding all of that - my sister and I knew all along.

    They feel it, sense it and it can make a difficult child worse for symptoms. Environment, despite what some may say out there, does play a role in difficult child behaviors and symptoms. The stress of that environment they can't cope with and start lashing out behavior wise. Even if you keep it behind closed doors away from them the body language, the micro expressions on your face, the illustrators and manipulators (it's subconscious body language) show them the truth, the real story that's happening between their parents.

    The number one thing though in this situation - it's not healthy for you to stay - RUN and be damned what other people think or say. You have to do for you before you can do for your kids. If you aren't in a healthy environment and it's affecting you massively, imagine how much more it's affecting your kids (multiply that by about 100X). Don't make the same mistakes my mom did and she'd tell you the same I am too if she were here. Get out before he escalates to physical violence, get out of that environment. There are so many resources for you and your kids out there that can help - DV half way houses, suicide hotlines, kids help line (not just for the kids), family members, friends, us...do something now before it's too late.

    If you want to talk, you can PM me anytime. I'm a childhood sexual assault survivor, I will listen not judge and I will keep everything confidential. If you want to talk PM me I'll be there to listen to you.
     
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've been in your shoes. I agree with building up your strength and formulating a plan. Please get to a therapist or domestic violence center for some counseling, you need to gather all the support you can get. It took me 7-1/2 years to finally leave my kids' dad .. but when I did it was a huge weight off of my shoulders. You deserve a better life, and you CAN have one.
     
  12. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Killing your self is not the best or only way out!

    My sister left her abusive husband. Kind of thrust on her when he held the riffle up and stated that ether she or he were going to die tonight. (both lived thanks to her 9 year old calling 911). She had no money, two kids, and a lot of dept. But she found help through a local woman's shelter. Bankruptcy, welfare, job, off welfare, her own home from habitat for humanity then better job. Now she is doing well. In her own home taking care of her kids without the government support. It was very hard to see her go through it but she made it. The kids even went through angry difficult child to very present kids to be around.

    In our country "Affording it" is not part of the equation. Our country has resources for individuals like you. Yes losing it all is painful, but there are resources available to get through it. Will you live in as nice a house? - No. But you will live somewhere. Will you drive as nice a car? - No, but you will get to where you need to some how. Will you eat your favorite foods? No - but you will eat. Will you get 300 channels on your TV? No. For my sister it was very difficult to except help from the government. She is proud. But think if someone else was in the same place you are, would it bother you if they received help? - Of course not. So go find a woman's shelter and get help before it is a critical emergency. They can help you develop a plan, find some sort of therapy and work out an escape. A lawyer not a bad idea ether.
     
  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    It sounds as if you are already in H*ll....


    Make a call. There must be a women's shelter of some kind that can help you escape.
     
  14. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sending gentle hugs your way.

    There are options for affordable counseling out there.

    Here's a link to the Community Mental Health Centers in Alabama:
    http://alcouncil.org/
    Click on your county to find the center that serves your community.

    Find Alabama state chapter and local affiliate offices of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

    If you call and explain your situation, NAMI staff can direct you to free or low-cost therapy options in your community.

    Hang in there. We're here for you every step of the way.
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    When I read your subject heading, I thought, hey, I'll join you. H*ll will be a busy place! ;)
    But as you go on in life, and in particular, when you divorce husband, you will be amazed at what happiness you can find.
    In the meantime, you can create a plan of action, and if you're like I am, just the plan will give you a wonderful sense of calm.
    I would go back to counseling about the sexual abuse, and about all of your other issues. This is too much to handle on your own.
    And you don't have to be financially independent right this second in order to move out. You can move out while you develop a plan.
     
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sending you a whole lot of very gentle hugs. I know how awful it can be when the only out you can visualize is your own death. Then, because you are a survivor and a warrior mom, you visualize your kids at your funeral and you know that you simply cannot do it. You just can't put them through that after everything else they have endured. You cannot leave them to find their way in the world with only the relatives who have failed you to guide them.

    THAT is when you really feel stuck, totally without options.

    You have choices. They are hard to see.

    Will it be hard to make big changes? Yes. Will it hurt? Yes. Will things seem worse at times? Maybe.

    But you can make choices to stop being a victim. You can learn HOW to choose, to demand better relationships. Relationships that are worthy of YOU, because you are so precious, so special, so truly amazing and wonderful. There are people out there who will care about you as a beautiful and special person, who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, who will truly LOVE you the way you deserve to be loved.

    YOU have done NOTHING wrong to deserve this life. You do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT deserve to be victimized in ANY way. Period. End of discussion.

    The people who have abused you have committed CRIMES against you. Sadly they set you up to find future relationships that are also painful, scary and dangerous, relationships with people who do not deserve you, who are not even 1% good enough for you. No matter what they have, they are NOT good enough to lick dog turds off your shoes.

    You have kids now. You know they have been damaged by the abusive relationship between your husband and you. I am sure that they wonder on some level why you are still married. You CAN show them how to get into a better life. For just as much as you want OUT of the abusive relationship and life you are now in, you also want INTO a better, happier, healthier, SANER life.

    You have to seek out people who will teach you how to value yourself, how to make the changes you KNOW you need to make. How to demonstrate to your beloved daughter that if she makes a mistake when she marries that SHE can also get out of it. For our relationship with our husband teaches our daughters what to expect in a husband. I KNOW you want her to select a better mate than your husband. Even if it takes her a couple of tries.

    I know getting out is too big a step to handle now. For today, this week, focus on finding the phone number for a domestic abuse center and making an appointment. Focus on going to the appointment and starting there.

    They will help if you will let them. I promise. If you do not want husband to know, they won't tell. They won't even smile at you if you see them in a grocery store unless you smile first. (I know this from experience. My difficult child abused me and I needed help to end that cycle.) They won't charge you.

    Please just find the number and make the appointment and go to it. Those are steps that are fairly small to outsiders, but I know they are HUGE to you.

    We will be here for you. Promise.
     
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes. Will it hurt? Yes. Will things seem worse at times? Maybe.

    Good points, SusieStar. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. But it WILL work out.
     
  18. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Indeep ~ I thought about you this morning and said a prayer for you ~ I started some new medications on Monday and it may be in my mind but I feel better. I found a new counselor a few weeks ago ~ I have been in couseling but I can see there have been bits and pieces to my recovery thru different means and different experiences and that includes couselors I have been too.

    I am reading an awesome book right now on holding our thoughts captive - Our thought life truly paves the way for our emotional path.

    I pray today finds you thinking positive thoughts and you are going thru the process of picking yourself up and not allowing others to keep you down.

    Thinking of You ~
     
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    In trouble deep - I'm going to give you my take on what you've written because I don't see anything in your statement that is asking for help. Just blowing off steam. I know - I barely survived a very torturous marriage, got out with NOTHING - not even a dollar, lived in a stolen van with a 6 year old and a dog, no job, and today I own my own home. So I want you to know from one abuse case to another - you can stop making excuses any time you want . Your anger is justified, but it doesn't have to continue. You ARE in control. You just have to decide when the madness ends. Is it easy? Nope. Is it scary? Yup. Can it be done alone? Nope. Are there places that will help? If you are SERIOUS - yes. Will there be counseling? Of course - you have a lot of deep rooted issues - I mean don't you want to start having a life where you make good choices for yourself? It took me 15 years of counseling. I'm worth it. You are too. Some days it was a real struggle to go - but I kept telling myself I did NOT want my son to be like his Father and that's EXACTLY what will happen if your son says where he's at. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. It will take from now until he's 20 with intensive therapy to help him - and you.
    I won't do it, but if wasn't scared about where I'd end up I might.
    I want someone to help me I just don't know what to ask for. - Okay see the above paragraph. I actually tried to twice - both times I got caught. Actually my x tried to many more times for me - so I figured what was the problem whether I did it or him?
    I can't wait to get the Prozac tomorrow.
    This would be great but prozac typically takes a few days to work, and is NOT a cure all. There are a lot of family dynamics going on that need to be resolved. If you can't get your husband and son to go to counseling? I highly suggest YOU go to learn more about WHY you should not stay in this relationship, and make exit plans. DO NOT TELL HIM.
    I hate my husband and I even hate my difficult child right now.
    You don't have to stay with your husband, your difficult child is an innocent and needs at least one sane parent for guidance. Doesn't sound like it's going to be Daddy - so since you are looking for help? I belive you are the smart one that cares and can do this.
    I feel like getting married to husband was the worst mistake I ever made.
    Then get thee to a womans shelter where they can get you a divorce on the grounds of spousal abuse so you can get custody of your son and get you and him into therapy and begin healing. It's going to take many years.
    I should have run screaming the other way the one time he showed his true colors while we were dating - he coerced me into giving him 0ral s3x - I was crying the whole time and I don't think he even knew. Or if he did, he didn't care.
    Unless you were forced? This wasn't rape. To still marry him after this? SCREAMS that you need therapy and have issues in your past with abuse that are unresolved and need to work on or the cycle of abuse is going to be perpetuated from you to your son and then to someone elses daughter. That is a very heavy burden to think about - do you really want to see someone elses daughter go through what YOU went throught - at the hands of your son? It COULD happen.
    I can't survive financially without him -
    YES YOU CAN. You just need to get with people that a.) can find you a full time job where b.) they have experience with kids like yours and won't be calling you from work every other 10 minutes. This may involve putting him into a hospital for observation or residential treatment and getting his medications correct so he can have a time to calm down - Imagine what HIS life is like with all this yelling - he's a CHILD....and all this screaming is all he's ever known. HOW is he supposed to behave any other way than how he does? No wonder he goes to school and blows a cork. He needs a place to feel safe and has none. If he was somewhere he could expect a calm, scheduled day - it would help. He wouldn't be perfect...he'll still act out - but a regime helps.
    because of difficult child I can't work a full time job and am barely holding on to my part time one. He's such a jerk!!! (both of them)
    If MY adult Father yelled at ME all the time? I wonder if I would be a well behaved kid or a jerk.
    They had a screaming match both last night and tonight, both times ended up with husband screaming at me. difficult child has already had his screaming fit at me today -
    Wonder where in the world he learns that? Time to get away and get him around people that can show him how to control his anger. Kids need to know it's OKAY to be angry - but how to express that anger is entirely different. if no one ever gives them alternative methods to expressing their anger they emulate their parents or others around them. There are exercises you can teach children to curb physical violence that can wear them out before they do destructive things. Yoga, breathing techniques. Lots of things....constructive things. What are your house rules? What are the consequences? What are the rewards if he goes a day without yelling?
    he hates me, of course.
    Yeah - plan on that for a long time - Just keep saying - water off a ducks back. He doesn't hate you, he's frustrated. He's VERY frustrated.
    I would like to know what the hell I ever did to deserve this life?!
    If you're ready to change it? We're here with suggestions. If you're not - ignore us. You have choices that are NOW in YOUR CONTROL. Lots of things before as a child were not in your control. When you chose to get married? I don't think that was in your control BECAUSE you were basically going along with a reaction to what seemed normal and since your childhood had no normal how could you ever tell WHAT was normal - so you get a pass in a sense on that. Having a messed up marriage? Again - you almost get a pass. BUT the huge thing here? YOU ARE SEEKING HELP......and I saw your post, and I'm offering help. All of us here are.
    s3xually abused since age 5 or so, told my Mom many times, she did nothing.
    This is a HUGE reason for YOU to get counseling now. As far as your Mom? There may be some mental health issue going on with her, or some avoidance issue. The issue for you is the betrayal - you need to deal with THAT - and move on with your life. I am really sorry, bottom line you need to find a way to eventually forgive, and put it behind you.
    Ended up with husband and verbal/emotional abuse. If I had only divorced him when I planned to after easy child was born.
    You did what you did when you did it because you either were too scared, or thought it was right to stay married or figured it would get better, or thought time would change him. Not too uncommon a thought. Stop beating yourself up over it....you are not a psychic. If you were? You'd have known not to marry him to begin with.
    Told my Dad I was going to divorce him and he got tears in his eyes.
    If your Dad loves him - let your Dad move in with him. Go to counseling and learn how to stand up for yourself. If Dad has regrets in his life - that's his issue - NOT yours.
    I couldn't do it. How stupid -
    Not stupid - again - remove the word SHOULD from your vocabulary and you will be a much happier person. Literally smack your hand every time you say I SHOULD HAVE. You did the best you could at the time with what you knew.
    if I had only known how much more pain was in store for me (and Dad as he watches my life).
    Again - YOU are NOT Ms. Cleo - and as for your Dad....? This is NOT your Father's life.
    Would have been a lot less painful to divorce then, difficult child would never have been born and maybe I would have gotten a good guy.
    Eeeeeehhhhhhh. Nope - -You would NOT have gotten any different a guy than you got. WHY? Because you don't know how to pick a nice guy. Really? How do I know? Because you have NO self esteem. You have issues stemming from your child hood about abuse, you have baggage that tells your sub conscience you are not WORTHY of a "good guy" and until you figure out that you are allowed to love yourself???? YOU WILL PICK LOOSER AFTER LOOSER guy - and be miserable ---every woman that picks looser after looser thinks it's the looser guys fault (eehhhhh buzzer sound) nopppppe. Its OUR fault. BECAUSE we have NO clue how to draw a border that says I DRAW A LINE HERE and YOU WILL NOT DO THIS, and I EXPECT THIS....nope ......we're all ....OH that's okay - you can walk on me.....sure I don't mind that you do that......and inside we SETTLE.....we have no ablility to speak our minds, and stand up for ourselves because we are SOOOOO afraid of rejection that we cower.....yeah don't confuse....being a bold so & so with self esteem - cause honey if you had any right now? You'd be out of THAT house like yesterday. Belive me.....12 years ago? I would have been standing my ground waiting for a butt whipping bold as can be - then cried the rest of the night with a broken bone or bloody lip or worse. Today? Well lets just say - he'd be walking out with a bag full of his own goodies in the back of the 911 car. Not joking a bit. And all that yelling? Yeah - That would happen once. ONCE. I'm not living life like that ever ever again. EVER. Now I have rules, and I mean them....I don't play. I'm no longer afraid.
    I wouldn't re-marry now on a dare - might get another one like or worse than husband.
    Nope you won't. Not if you find out WHO YOU ARE, and learn to draw your limits, establish YOUR RULES and don't bend on those things which are important to you. I found one that I've been with 11 years and he's the love of my life. A biker - reformed....and treats me like a queen. I figured he'd be some macho, drinking, jerk - but if he wanted a life with me? These were my terms. Either meet them - of see ya....I knew what I was going to tolerate and wasn't bending. 11 years - it's nice.
    I'm actually jealous of my boss -her husband just died and she got life insurance money out of it. Wish it was me. I've been divorced 10 years. It took me that long to stop hoping, wishing, thinking about my ex. When I got divorced I asked for NO child support. Knew I would never get it - so why bother? I wanted him to hurt like I hurt at first. I wanted him to feel like he made me feel. I wanted him to know what it felt like to be me. It would never happen. The man has no conscience. At some times I used to think about ways he could die, and how glorious that would be or ways it would be fun for someone to do things to him that he did to me. I went through EMDR therapy and got my chance at that. It helped a ton. Once that tool was in my mind? I was in control over who had power in my life. I found a place to go where he couldn't hurt me, but I could do things to him and be in a safe place. It was like I got to re-write the script on the abusive times, and it was hillarious. Kind of like a tom and Jerry cartoon. I highly recommend that. My ex for years tried to hunt us down and kill us. We were in hiding for a long time. Now he's older and has cancer. When I heard you would have thought I'd be happy or something but it was like hearing "the tree across the street is dying." It was like...Oh. I just have no feelings for him whatsoever. Not hate, anger, love, revenge, nothing. He literally doesn't exist or rent space in my head. That's a good thing. Thats as close to cured as you can be. I hope you get there.

    Take care......I really really hope you take this seriously.....YOU HAVE A CHOICE. YOU HAVE LOTS OF CHOICES.


    Lots of us here have survived abusive marriages. Some of us here reading are still IN abusive marriage and continue to make excuses daily as to why we stay....I love him, I can change him, I can't leave I have no money, He'll hunt me down, He'll kill me.....I have no where to go. I mean my list went on and on for 13 years, and I am really lucky to be alive. ICU was like a revolving door for me, and those are just the times that I got away to get to the hospital. Then a lot of women say - Well you know he never hit's me he just yells.....or he doesn't yell he's just controlling. Or he says ugly things. THESE are all forms of abuse. The only thing a man should ever raise to you -----is his hand to wave good bye. Not his voice....

    He doesn't need to be a kissass either, but you should have balance in your life with your spouse/mate....and you are telling us that you would kill yourself if you didn't think you'd burn in hell, you hate your child, you hate your husband, and you can't wait for a bottle of pills. - All in all I'd say it's time to really consider YOU and your lack of happiness. You had a miserable abusive childhood, and now you have a miserable and abusive marriage.

    I'm putting the domestic violence hotline number down here for you. Call it or don't. Like I said YOU are in CONTROL of YOUR LIFE now. The counselors on these phones will listen to you and guide you in what to do. YOU NEED someone to talk to NOW. YOU NEED to figure out with a trained counselor what a life-plan goal can be for you and your son, or if you choose to leave him behind? Then just you. That's YOUR CHOICE as well. I don't regret for one minute going to get my son. It has been hades on earth, but I love him more than anyone in the world. He's far from perfect, but I know I did the best I could to give him the best chance - left with his biofather? He'd surely be dead, in jail or in a gang, complete doper - not a good life - the cycle would have just continued. Of that I'm sure.

    If you need to talk privately - you can click on my name and hit me via PM. or not - like I said - choice is yours. I'm glad you came to the board. Hugs & Love for your pain.
    Star -

    DV Hotline - 1-800-799-7233

     
  20. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Star ~ Can I just say ~ You tell it like it is!! That is a good thing ~ Can I have a private session?? You've got insight - and girl I respect you!!
     
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