In trouble deep - I'm going to give you my take on what you've written because I don't see anything in your statement that is asking for help. Just blowing off steam. I know - I barely survived a very torturous marriage, got out with NOTHING - not even a dollar, lived in a stolen van with a 6 year old and a dog, no job, and today I own my own home. So I want you to know from one abuse case to another - you can stop making excuses any time you want . Your anger is justified, but it doesn't have to continue. You ARE in control. You just have to decide when the madness ends. Is it easy? Nope. Is it scary? Yup. Can it be done alone? Nope. Are there places that will help? If you are SERIOUS - yes. Will there be counseling? Of course - you have a lot of deep rooted issues - I mean don't you want to start having a life where you make good choices for yourself? It took me 15 years of counseling. I'm worth it. You are too. Some days it was a real struggle to go - but I kept telling myself I did NOT want my son to be like his Father and that's EXACTLY what will happen if your son says where he's at. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. It will take from now until he's 20 with intensive therapy to help him - and you.
I won't do it, but if wasn't scared about where I'd end up I might.
I want someone to help me I just don't know what to ask for. - Okay see the above paragraph. I actually tried to twice - both times I got caught. Actually my x tried to many more times for me - so I figured what was the problem whether I did it or him?
I can't wait to get the Prozac tomorrow.
This would be great but prozac typically takes a few days to work, and is NOT a cure all. There are a lot of family dynamics going on that need to be resolved. If you can't get your husband and son to go to counseling? I highly suggest YOU go to learn more about WHY you should not stay in this relationship, and make exit plans. DO NOT TELL HIM.
I hate my husband and I even hate my difficult child right now.
You don't have to stay with your husband, your difficult child is an innocent and needs at least one sane parent for guidance. Doesn't sound like it's going to be Daddy - so since you are looking for help? I belive you are the smart one that cares and can do this.
I feel like getting married to husband was the worst mistake I ever made.
Then get thee to a womans shelter where they can get you a divorce on the grounds of spousal abuse so you can get custody of your son and get you and him into therapy and begin healing. It's going to take many years.
I should have run screaming the other way the one time he showed his true colors while we were dating - he coerced me into giving him 0ral s3x - I was crying the whole time and I don't think he even knew. Or if he did, he didn't care.
Unless you were forced? This wasn't rape. To still marry him after this? SCREAMS that you need therapy and have issues in your past with abuse that are unresolved and need to work on or the cycle of abuse is going to be perpetuated from you to your son and then to someone elses daughter. That is a very heavy burden to think about - do you really want to see someone elses daughter go through what YOU went throught - at the hands of your son? It COULD happen.
I can't survive financially without him -
YES YOU CAN. You just need to get with people that a.) can find you a full time job where b.) they have experience with kids like yours and won't be calling you from work every other 10 minutes. This may involve putting him into a hospital for observation or residential treatment and getting his medications correct so he can have a time to calm down - Imagine what HIS life is like with all this yelling - he's a CHILD....and all this screaming is all he's ever known. HOW is he supposed to behave any other way than how he does? No wonder he goes to school and blows a cork. He needs a place to feel safe and has none. If he was somewhere he could expect a calm, scheduled day - it would help. He wouldn't be perfect...he'll still act out - but a regime helps.
because of difficult child I can't work a full time job and am barely holding on to my part time one. He's such a jerk!!! (both of them)
If MY adult Father yelled at ME all the time? I wonder if I would be a well behaved kid or a jerk.
They had a screaming match both last night and tonight, both times ended up with husband screaming at me. difficult child has already had his screaming fit at me today -
Wonder where in the world he learns that? Time to get away and get him around people that can show him how to control his anger. Kids need to know it's OKAY to be angry - but how to express that anger is entirely different. if no one ever gives them alternative methods to expressing their anger they emulate their parents or others around them. There are exercises you can teach children to curb physical violence that can wear them out before they do destructive things. Yoga, breathing techniques. Lots of things....constructive things. What are your house rules? What are the consequences? What are the rewards if he goes a day without yelling?
he hates me, of course.
Yeah - plan on that for a long time - Just keep saying - water off a ducks back. He doesn't hate you, he's frustrated. He's VERY frustrated.
I would like to know what the hell I ever did to deserve this life?!
If you're ready to change it? We're here with suggestions. If you're not - ignore us. You have choices that are NOW in YOUR CONTROL. Lots of things before as a child were not in your control. When you chose to get married? I don't think that was in your control BECAUSE you were basically going along with a reaction to what seemed normal and since your childhood had no normal how could you ever tell WHAT was normal - so you get a pass in a sense on that. Having a messed up marriage? Again - you almost get a pass. BUT the huge thing here? YOU ARE SEEKING HELP......and I saw your post, and I'm offering help. All of us here are.
s3xually abused since age 5 or so, told my Mom many times, she did nothing.
This is a HUGE reason for YOU to get counseling now. As far as your Mom? There may be some mental health issue going on with her, or some avoidance issue. The issue for you is the betrayal - you need to deal with THAT - and move on with your life. I am really sorry, bottom line you need to find a way to eventually forgive, and put it behind you.
Ended up with husband and verbal/emotional abuse. If I had only divorced him when I planned to after easy child was born.
You did what you did when you did it because you either were too scared, or thought it was right to stay married or figured it would get better, or thought time would change him. Not too uncommon a thought. Stop beating yourself up over it....you are not a psychic. If you were? You'd have known not to marry him to begin with.
Told my Dad I was going to divorce him and he got tears in his eyes.
If your Dad loves him - let your Dad move in with him. Go to counseling and learn how to stand up for yourself. If Dad has regrets in his life - that's his issue - NOT yours.
I couldn't do it. How stupid -
Not stupid - again - remove the word SHOULD from your vocabulary and you will be a much happier person. Literally smack your hand every time you say I SHOULD HAVE. You did the best you could at the time with what you knew.
if I had only known how much more pain was in store for me (and Dad as he watches my life).
Again - YOU are NOT Ms. Cleo - and as for your Dad....? This is NOT your Father's life.
Would have been a lot less painful to divorce then, difficult child would never have been born and maybe I would have gotten a good guy.
Eeeeeehhhhhhh. Nope - -You would NOT have gotten any different a guy than you got. WHY? Because you don't know how to pick a nice guy. Really? How do I know? Because you have NO self esteem. You have issues stemming from your child hood about abuse, you have baggage that tells your sub conscience you are not WORTHY of a "good guy" and until you figure out that you are allowed to love yourself???? YOU WILL PICK LOOSER AFTER LOOSER guy - and be miserable ---every woman that picks looser after looser thinks it's the looser guys fault (eehhhhh buzzer sound) nopppppe. Its OUR fault. BECAUSE we have NO clue how to draw a border that says I DRAW A LINE HERE and YOU WILL NOT DO THIS, and I EXPECT THIS....nope ......we're all ....OH that's okay - you can walk on me.....sure I don't mind that you do that......and inside we SETTLE.....we have no ablility to speak our minds, and stand up for ourselves because we are SOOOOO afraid of rejection that we cower.....yeah don't confuse....being a bold so & so with self esteem - cause honey if you had any right now? You'd be out of THAT house like yesterday. Belive me.....12 years ago? I would have been standing my ground waiting for a butt whipping bold as can be - then cried the rest of the night with a broken bone or bloody lip or worse. Today? Well lets just say - he'd be walking out with a bag full of his own goodies in the back of the 911 car. Not joking a bit. And all that yelling? Yeah - That would happen once. ONCE. I'm not living life like that ever ever again. EVER. Now I have rules, and I mean them....I don't play. I'm no longer afraid.
I wouldn't re-marry now on a dare - might get another one like or worse than husband.
Nope you won't. Not if you find out WHO YOU ARE, and learn to draw your limits, establish YOUR RULES and don't bend on those things which are important to you. I found one that I've been with 11 years and he's the love of my life. A biker - reformed....and treats me like a queen. I figured he'd be some macho, drinking, jerk - but if he wanted a life with me? These were my terms. Either meet them - of see ya....I knew what I was going to tolerate and wasn't bending. 11 years - it's nice.
I'm actually jealous of my boss -her husband just died and she got life insurance money out of it. Wish it was me. I've been divorced 10 years. It took me that long to stop hoping, wishing, thinking about my ex. When I got divorced I asked for NO child support. Knew I would never get it - so why bother? I wanted him to hurt like I hurt at first. I wanted him to feel like he made me feel. I wanted him to know what it felt like to be me. It would never happen. The man has no conscience. At some times I used to think about ways he could die, and how glorious that would be or ways it would be fun for someone to do things to him that he did to me. I went through EMDR therapy and got my chance at that. It helped a ton. Once that tool was in my mind? I was in control over who had power in my life. I found a place to go where he couldn't hurt me, but I could do things to him and be in a safe place. It was like I got to re-write the script on the abusive times, and it was hillarious. Kind of like a tom and Jerry cartoon. I highly recommend that. My ex for years tried to hunt us down and kill us. We were in hiding for a long time. Now he's older and has cancer. When I heard you would have thought I'd be happy or something but it was like hearing "the tree across the street is dying." It was like...Oh. I just have no feelings for him whatsoever. Not hate, anger, love, revenge, nothing. He literally doesn't exist or rent space in my head. That's a good thing. Thats as close to cured as you can be. I hope you get there.
Take care......I really really hope you take this seriously.....YOU HAVE A CHOICE. YOU HAVE LOTS OF CHOICES.
Lots of us here have survived abusive marriages. Some of us here reading are still IN abusive marriage and continue to make excuses daily as to why we stay....I love him, I can change him, I can't leave I have no money, He'll hunt me down, He'll kill me.....I have no where to go. I mean my list went on and on for 13 years, and I am really lucky to be alive. ICU was like a revolving door for me, and those are just the times that I got away to get to the hospital. Then a lot of women say - Well you know he never hit's me he just yells.....or he doesn't yell he's just controlling. Or he says ugly things. THESE are all forms of abuse. The only thing a man should ever raise to you -----is his hand to wave good bye. Not his voice....
He doesn't need to be a kissass either, but you should have balance in your life with your spouse/mate....and you are telling us that you would kill yourself if you didn't think you'd burn in hell, you hate your child, you hate your husband, and you can't wait for a bottle of pills. - All in all I'd say it's time to really consider YOU and your lack of happiness. You had a miserable abusive childhood, and now you have a miserable and abusive marriage.
I'm putting the domestic violence hotline number down here for you. Call it or don't. Like I said YOU are in CONTROL of YOUR LIFE now. The counselors on these phones will listen to you and guide you in what to do. YOU NEED someone to talk to NOW. YOU NEED to figure out with a trained counselor what a life-plan goal can be for you and your son, or if you choose to leave him behind? Then just you. That's YOUR CHOICE as well. I don't regret for one minute going to get my son. It has been hades on earth, but I love him more than anyone in the world. He's far from perfect, but I know I did the best I could to give him the best chance - left with his biofather? He'd surely be dead, in jail or in a gang, complete doper - not a good life - the cycle would have just continued. Of that I'm sure.
If you need to talk privately - you can click on my name and hit me via PM. or not - like I said - choice is yours. I'm glad you came to the board. Hugs & Love for your pain.
Star -
DV Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
