If I died tomorrow...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Mar 10, 2009.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    In the past two weeks, I have been really REALLY working on 'letting go'...as in, if I died tomorrow, they would survive it and life would somehow go on. Maybe not the way I planned it and maybe not as clean as I would have liked, but on it would go, in it's own fashion, according to their plans. And it would O.K.A.Y.

    After hitting my lowest low a couple of weeks ago and coming to the false realization that the only way to get rid of this overwhelming, crushing feeling in my chest and in my head was to be dead. I know, morbid, and not exactly a plan of mine. However, truth be told, I did feel like that.

    This thought truly scared me. Made me think a different approach was absolutely necessary.

    Being no stranger to AA & such, I started reading the Al-Anon book and really taking the time to study the first couple of steps. I also felt a strange yearning to go to church. There is this Unitarian Church I had once checked out with easy child and liked. I went. H came with me, which is very surprising. I knew that whatever it was I was feeling was bigger than me and I couldn't handle it. I had always shunned all forms of church in the past, thinking I could master and control whatever it was that came along. This time I couldn't. So, I have been working on this and I've discovered that I feel lighter and free to an extent...that I don't have to be worrying all the time about difficult child, easy child, h, my marriage, my mom, my sister, work, friends, their families, my car, everything...that I don't have to be and should not be in control of everything. And then, this past Saturday while chatting with my sister, this thought popped into my head:

    If I were to die tomorrow, they would figure it out and life would go on.

    They would figure out a way to clean the floors or deal with the dirt. They would figure out how to keep the vet appointments for Sophie. They would figure out how to go food shopping and save money (or not). They would figure out how to complete a load of laundry from start to finish. They would figure out how to grow tomatoes and string beans (or just buy some). They would figure it ALL out.

    The point is, if I died tomorrow, they would figure it all out, in their own time, on their own terms.

    So, if they will do whatever it is they are going to do or not do, whether I try to choreograph and control everything, why am I spinning my wheels?

    So simple, yet so amazing. Today was a good day. I think H thinks I've just thrown in the towel. I haven't. I've just shifted my focus back to ME. I've been walking every day and I feel great. I've started back eating healthier and that makes me feel great. It's so nice not to worry about every little thing. I had no idea what a worry-wort I'd become!!

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm so proud of you. You have now earned an A+ on Detachment 101.

    Big hugs,
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    That sounds so awesome. Good for you. Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer:

    God give me the courage to change the things I can,
    The knowledge to accept the things I can not change,
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    May not be exactly right - but you get my drift. If everyone takes care of themselves when possible, the world will be easier. If something bothers the other person, they can fix it - you don't have to be everyone's answer, you have your own life to enjoy.

    I am beginning to realize "Why do I have to do all the work just so everyone else can have their good times? Not fair and way too much stress. Just let things go when you can." "Why do people think I have all the time in the world to be their all and all while they have no stress because they gave it to me?"

    JoG, you are my hero! You Go Girl!
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    How wonderful! Real signs of personal growth that will lead to happiness! Since you deserve EVERY happiness, I am totally THRILLED for you!!!

    Isn't it freeing to realize that they WILL muddle through if you are not there?

    My goal as a parent was to give my kids the tools so they COULD muddle through if something happened to me. I am getting there, but not nearly as far toward the goal as you are.

    It is time for a Happy Dance for Jo!!!

  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Good for you ......
    You go girl!
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good for you Jo!
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Very good post. Good for you! -RM
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My family had to learn this lesson the hard way. They really didnt think I did all that much until I suddenly was laying in a hospital bed unconscious. LOL. Suddenly it was...what bills do we have? How do we pay them? What is the PIN number? Uhhhhh. Thankfully they did manage to figure it out....how I will never quite know...lol. It taught them a lesson but I am afraid they are forgetting that lesson mighty fast.
  9. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm glad I read this tonight. It's a good reminder that I need to let go of some stuff, too. :)

    Thanks, Jo!
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Jo, this is so uplifting. You are very right (as I've found over the last couple of months) people do know & can figure out just about anything when necessary.

    I'm so glad you let go of so much of the burden & have found "YOU" again. Now that you know, you can take on as much or as little as you care to knowing that it's an educated choice.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks everyone. I just want to say that I know I'm not 'done'. I know some people who go to therapy or work a 12 step program and at some point, they think "Okay, cool, I'm done. Now I can get on with life". I was one of those people. I realize now that it's an ongoing lesson in humility and strength - how it tests your will power! Years of ingrained behaviors having to be altered and kept in check daily!! As I continue to practice each day, I am hoping it will become easier to step away from any given situation, take a breath, and evaluate just how much I should or should not be involved.

    There was a crisis with my Godson (S) yesterday. Some of you may recall he works with me (his dad, my brother in law, is our boss) and his father is trying to groom him for the business - but S has no interest, but he feels obligated somehow. Anyway, at times the fireworks fly. S's parent's have always been in a sort of denial about thier son being a major difficult child, with fairly severe depression issues. He confides in me and has told me that his psychiatrist has diagnosis'ed him as being bi-polar and he's on medications for it. He also recently admitted to being addicted to painkillers and other downers and started going to NA. I'm so proud of him and I continue to be supportive of his efforts. Yesterday, he didn't come to work and his father who was traveling was trying to track him down and when he found him, he yelled and berated him, said some rotten things. Afterwards, S called me and vented, which is fine. But he told me such horrible things about my sister and brother in law's behaviors and attitudes towards him. S doesn't feel loved or supported in any way. He said when he told them about his addictions and NA that they played it down and didn't believe he was an addict. It's very involved and sad for me to hear. And it would have been very easy to get sucked in.

    So, on my path to recovery and detachment, I have learned that I need to figure out where the line is between caring (being a good listener) and becoming involved in other's people's stuff! Thankfully, my Godson did say, "Aunt Jo, I know this has nothing to do with you and I'm sorry. I need to call my sponser and go to a meeting", so I hope he went. I wanted so badly to call him last night but I stopped myself. I'me very concerned for him because he was crying and saying things like if he died no one would even notice.

    Anyway, thanks so much for the support. Stay strong. I'm trying. ;)
  12. ML

    ML Guest

    ODAAT. You're doing great Jo and I'm thrilled to hear this.
  13. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    Wow. Jo, you've just described the same couple of days in my life. It is so much easier realizing that "I'm not alone." It's hard to talk to friends/family because they do think you are "throwing in the towel", when it is completely the opposite. No one is going to throw themselves off a cliff. You/we are just trying to settle your own mind and gain your own peace. Sometimes it is just one day at a time. Sometimes everyday stress is too much and you have to remind yourself to breathe. Then, finally, you can take a deep breath and look forward to tomorrow.

    Hugs and understanding,

  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    That is so nice to read.
    I always say, and people would take it the wrong way at times.
    "Well what's the worst that happens, I can die?"
    It is the same kind of the thinking. That the world will still keep spinning, things will go on without me worrying about every little thing.
    Even if I do the unheard of, like not cleaning the floors or doing the laundry, even if I live a little , what really is the worst that will happen? Even if I do die... they will all get through it OK.
    Yea!!! I am truly happy for you... one day and one step at a time.
  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hey Jo,
    Just another here wanting to applaud your journey. I too learned so much from Al Anon, lol, someone once told me "there is a G-d and YOU are not it"...or another, "who nailed you to the cross". Ya, I had ALOT of problems with thinking I had the absolute answer to Everyone else's problems, could save and solve etc.
    One of the things that has probibly stuck with me most is now trying to communicate in a way that doesn't suggest I have ALL the answers, to speak like this:
    "you may be right"..."that could be true" "possibly" etc. To not come across as all knowing, ya know. And...to allow other people the dignity of figuring out for themselves. It is especially hard for me right now to draw the line while my lil grandson seems to be caught in the middle of some destructive issues involved in my young difficult child's life. I probibly need to hit my books again and make a meeting again soon.

    Hoping the very best for your Godson, S...So glad that he knows where to go and who to talk to. You are wonderful for being a listening ear to him.

  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That is just what I needed to hear! I believe you are exactly right. Sometimes I think the same thing. It doesnt matter what we do or how we worry - I think it is just that we dont want to feel the pain of bad decisions - but maybe they need to feel the pain or their own choices not us. I believe the focus does need to be back on ourselves. thanks for the insight!
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Your words are incredibly motivating, and strong. Sometimes I get angry about all the things that have happened in my life. I feel some days like I got ripped off. I feel like I got robbed of my son's childhood. I'm angry that my marriage was a total bust. But each day I don't have to look far to realize that whatever it was that I did in my life, the path I took, the things I did - I chose to do them and will always till the day I die have free-will. The odd thing is - those choices that I made? Brought me to the place where I finally realized I could not continue to do it alone.

    I think you've found your turning point in life and hope you spend the rest of your days celebrating the precious gifts you've been given. You dont' have to look far to know that even though things are dark - there's always someone with a worse and darker day.

    I'm glad you found your sunshine kiddo - Congratulations.
  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the much needed reminder! Especially now that Miss KT is back, I find myself in the referee position again...or as I shouted to Hubby Sunday morning, outside of church, "I feel like I'm on yard duty 24-7!"
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Jo, you hit the nail on the head. Good for you.

    It sort of hits you hard when it happens. I had my moment a couple of years back. And it has helped so much that I've learned to "let go" of a huge part of the burden I'd placed on myself.

    Then of course the next thought is always.........why on earth didn't I think of this sooner?? ;) lol

    And honestly, they learn more by being forced to do for themselves.

    Good for you!! I'm so glad you're taking time for yourself and to just enjoy.

  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    The thing that is so funny about this is that it all began with the stuff that H and I are going through...it's the trickle down theory...as usual.
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2009