If it wasn't so sad it would almost be funny.......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Mar 20, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I've been meaning to give you an update on difficult child's situation but things have been crazy here with work and life in general.

    So last time I posted difficult child was accused of trying to fraudulently transfer funds into his account. Apparently the police were call but the neighbor didn't want to press charges! And they couldn't prove that he tried to do anything with my dad's account because he covered his tracks with that one. Once again, difficult child wins out over the LAW! It's ridiculous and that's why he keeps doing these things - because he knows he can get away with it.

    Anyway, my dad - never having to deal with a difficult child to that extreme and having a major case of guilt over the prospect of taking difficult child to a shelter - decided to give him ONE last chance. He gave difficult child specific guidelines and for a day or two difficult child was complying. Or at least he seemed to be complying.

    Last week somehow difficult child got "free" minutes on his phone (yeah right - "free" my behind) and he calls and tells me he's dog sitting for a friend. I say what friend and he's fumbling for a story and comes up with "Bob". Knowing difficult child alllll too well I instantly knew that was total bs. I then specifically asked him if he had a dog living there and he told me no. So I moved on. I dropped it. I didn't lecture. I didn't threaten. Not my business right? The next day my father wanted to go up and do some work but difficult child said he had a stomach flu and the doctor said he's contagious and for my dad to stay away. Hmmm - how convenient for difficult child! My father has major health issues so he stayed away for 4 days. When he went up on Saturday he found that difficult child does in fact have a dog living there and that it's been urinating and pooping all over the place and difficult child does not clean up after it. So my dad turned around and left. He had nothing to say to difficult child and hasn't spoken to him since. He told me he's done with difficult child's lying and theft and that it's making him physically ill now. I told my dad he does not need to be sorry, these are difficult child's choices, and I am behind him 100%! I know how my dad's feeling and I feel terrible that he's going through this right now.

    I didn't know any of this was going on until today because my dad hasn't been calling me back and difficult child, of course, has been telling me everything is ok except "grandpa won't answer the phone". I know my dad had some medical testing done this week so I figured that was why but now I know the truth. I texted difficult child after speaking with my dad and told him that his grandfather is hurt and angry and that it's very sad that difficult child has decided to do this to him after all the help he's been given. He didn't reply even though he'd been texting me nonstop about having no food and being hungry right before that.

    It does make me sad that difficult child has decided to live his life like this after being given chance after chance after chance. And I'm sad for my dad who had such high hopes of helping him. The whole thing disgusts me.

    All I know is that I'm going to continue to move forward with MY life. I don't know what will happen to difficult child or where he'll wind up but this is his destiny, his fate, and his life. I can't stop it no matter what I do. I love him and I don't want anything to happen to him but I can't control the outcome. And I'm happy that I finally realize that and have been able to stick with that attitude. It truly shows me how much I've grown in the last year!
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are focused on your future but, sadly, I do completely understand your reaction to your son's choices. It is so blankin' sad for everyone in the family. My heart goes out to your Dad. Hugs DDD
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry JKF, I know how crushing those disappointments can be. It takes us a long time to stop getting on the difficult child train because up ahead there is usually a wreck and we're the last to know about it.

    Your son has been given so many chances, you've done more for him in so many different ways for so long and none of it has made a difference in his choices and his lifestyle. It certainly appears as if he must now need to figure it all out for himself. I feel bad for you and for your Dad. As in the case of many of our difficult child's, they are clueless to the ramifications of their choices.

    I'm glad you are focusing on yourself now, and of course your younger son and your husband. It's time to let go.

    JKF, they are who they are, we don't understand it, we can't condone it, however, through their perspective, it is a viable lifestyle choice. It's helped me to stop my expectations that my difficult child show up in the way others do......and if I can do that, it helps me to then stop judging her and begin accepting just what is. Then I can let go of my angers and resentments and hurts and sorrow and find my own peace of mind. It's a difficult journey riddled with land mines, but as we tread so carefully though it all, we can emerge out the other side and have a good life regardless of what our difficult child's are up to. And, as you know and we all know here, it ain't easy.

    Do kind things for yourself JKF, nurture yourself, curl up with that good book the way you like to, have a glass of wine with your husband and enjoy your other son. I am saying a prayer for you and your difficult child and your family......and sending big hugs too......
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    When I really let myself think about difficult child and his choices I start panicking and I feel so depleted and sad. Just now I'm sitting here in silence (easy child and husband are in bed) and I'm thinking about him and how he can be so sweet and how he loves to call me sometimes just to say hi and chat and laugh and I wonder why can't he be like that all the time? I do love that boy with all of my heart but I'm at a dead end. I've done this so many times and each time it turns out worse than the time before. It's so sad that. as his mother, I have to turn him away and continue to say no and that it could potentially put him in harms way at some point. It's also so sad that he's repeatedly choosing to make the wrong decisions on every level and choosing to continue the cycle of homelessness and untreated mental illness. Ugggghh! The whole situation royally sucks!

    Anyway - I'm going to take a deep breath and let it go for now. That's my mantra lately - LET IT GO! I repeat it often and it really helps most of the time.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JKF, it is so sad, there is no getting around that. It is such a practice to let go, geez. I don't know if this is up your alley or not, but I have found great comfort in Pema Chodron's books. I read 3 back to back and there was something about her direct and clear words that spoke to me. If it feels right, get a hold of Comfortable with Uncertainty, Living Beautifully and When things fall apart. They helped me to see things differently and it made a huge difference for me.

    Hang in there JKF, I totally know where you are coming from right now. Take deep breaths, cry if you need to and rest in the knowledge that your son is in God's hands now. .............hugs...........
  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I know, JKF. I get the same way. Just this week my difficult child called me once to let me know one of my favorite musicians would be playing a small venue in town (he is from South Africa, I've only seen him live twice, and not in at least 15 years). Tonight he called because on the first day of spring an ice cream chain in town gives out free ice cream...he wanted to know if I wanted to go with him. And when I said no, he accepted gracefully, with just a hint of disappointment..he didn't argue. He accepts that I refuse to be with him. But those calls, JKF? those are my sweet boy. Not the beggar, not the liar, not the thief, not the wanton destroyer of property ,not the drug addict. Not the one who makes it so I have to refuse to be with him until he fixes himself.

    He told me tonight he has things to be happy about, his friends, his music. He said he sometimes is sad and overwhelmed, that he doesn't have a home or family any more. His eyes filled up but he stopped, and then he thanked me for lending him a cart to take his wash to the laundry mat, and hugged me goodbye. He said he would buy two tkts to the concert just in case.

    so yes, when I think of him I feel depleted and sad. Very sad. I just try now not to start the long slide into grief...I try to hold the sadness for a while, to let it be, to not give it too much language to get traction...I just sit with it, and then when it moves on, because it will if you let it have its time, I move on to.

    I just want you to know I get it.

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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    And JKF, I so get the grief you are feeling. I have watched myself cycle through the five stages of grief so many times, and it's such a comfort to know that others have felt the same and I'm not always going to feel like this, and that there is a method to the madness.

    Because the pain is so profound, it is in every cell of your body.

    From denial/isolation to anger to bargaining to depression, to finally, acceptance. And then I cycle through it all over again, and again and again, until finally the cycles are shorter, and the acceptance is longer.

    It is like accepting someone's death---a beloved someone---except it keeps happening.

    All I know is we have to walk through it. We can't go around it, we can't explain or therapy or medicate it away. We have to live through it, and it's literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Harder than my sister's death. Harder than my divorce. Harder than loneliness.

    And I think, very sadly, that ultimately law enforcement, jail and prison are where many of our kids end up. There is no hospital that is going to keep most of them forever. There is no rehab where they can stay for a year, unless we are multimillionaires. Only the jails keep people that long.

    People who cannot or will not or do not live by society's rules, the norms that allow us to respect each other and have a civilized existence.

    Finally, when my son was stealing from me and using drugs in my house, I had to put a stop to it. And even then, I gave him more chances, after a time, to come back and live here again. Waiting, waiting, waiting for time to pass and him to finally grow up.

    I had not put a stop to the laziness, the lack of respect, the no-job, the staying out all night, the sleeping all day, the flagrant snubbing of the most basic of rules, like put your dishes in the sink (not even the dishwasher), and don't allow mold to grow in drink cups in your room and on half-eaten plates of food, the flunking out and withdrawing and taking the money I paid and using it, the lying, oh the endless lying....on and on and on. After weeks and months and years of it all. I tolerated way way too much for way way too long, thinking, hoping, praying that he would grow out of it, snap out of it, stop it and get serious about his life.

    You can't have a relationship with someone you love who lies to you. You can't have a relationship with someone you love who is stealing from you. I have learned those two truths the hard, hard way.

    Trust is at the base of any relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. But there is still love.

    Today, I put a lot of physical distance between myself and my son. I love him very much, and that will never, never change. I am working to let him go and let him live his own life, whatever that looks like.

    I have to work really hard every day to do this, JKF. It does not come easily. I wish you peace and blessings and sunshine on this day. We care. Thanks for letting us know how you are. Keep coming back.
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  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How are you doing this morning JKF? Sending you good thoughts. I hope your day is a good one. Let us know how you're doing.
  9. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you all so much for the replies! I know that each and every one of you understands exactly how I feel and while I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy it is so helpful knowing I'm not alone.

    I actually was able to "let it go" last night and I slept well. I woke up this morning thinking about how happy I am that it's Friday and how much I'm looking forward to the weekend. There have been very few thoughts in my mind today about difficult child. I've been keeping myself calm and focusing on happy things today and it's working like a charm! He hasn't text me once since the last text I sent him yesterday letting him know that I knew he had a dog and how hurt and angry his grandfather is. I'm not going to text him either because right now I need a break. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I'm not going to worry like I used to because now I know (and accept!) that I have no control over the outcome!

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  10. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I jinxed myself! He just text me. Told me he's not trying to hurt his grandpa on purpose and to prove it he cleaned his room. I'm really trying not to laugh at that statement. He seriously thinks that's going to make everything ok. It's crazy how his mind works. It's like "ok I'm going to steal from you, lie to you, destroy your property and belongings but I cleaned my room so that makes everything ok".

    I'm not responding. I don't want to. I have nothing positive to say and I don't want to hear his BS.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    If we can just stay in that place! It is so hard not to give advice, not to judge them. (Or ourselves ~ maybe that's the hardest part ~ not judging ourselves for what the kids do and where and how they get where they are going.)

    I am happy to hear that you are holding steady. Grandpa had to learn on his own, as we all do. I hope he can let go and let God, too.

    It is a difficult thing, to be happy in our own lives when one of our children suffers.

    Holding you in my thoughts, JKF.

  12. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I'm praying for you all, JKF.

    You're doing a really good job detaching from him and his antics.