If only my skin were thicker

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Sickntired, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. Sickntired

    Sickntired New Member

    How do you do it every single day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and still keep your sanity???? I am so sick and tired of having my feelings hurt (I obviously take him much to serious). This little horned creature seems to get some sort of weird enjoyment of hurting my feelings. I know, I know, it's only effective if you let it be. But it does hurt my feelings. The good Lord didn't give me a tough skin. Can't help it. Just the way I came. So, how do you shrug things off?? I know he has an illness, but there are times I would like to tear his head off and roll it out the front door like a bowling ball!!! :devil: But that would do no good cause I'd just have to clean up the mess it left!!!

    I look at other children in awe sometimes. I go through a fast food drive-through where young people work, and they are polite, smile and act responsible. I would love to see that once, just once out of my difficult child.

    I'm so tired of being blamed by him for everything. If he would just take responsibility for it ONCE I would see some light at the end of the tunnel, but my tunnel is dark, very very dark. Does this ever get any better? Does getting older help any? He is 14, but in reality, he is about 3-4 years behind in maturity. My one year old grandson listens better than he does.

    Well, as my screen name says, I'm sickntired. As you can probably tell, I've had a very, very rough couple of weeks. My husband gets so frustrated with him that he ends up dealing with him in temper and THAT DOES NOT WORK. Just makes him more obstinate. I am probably nicer to him than anyone in my family, try to hold my patience longer, yada, yada, yada, yet he treats me the worst! Do they have like a target? I know he does and it's me.

    Well, thanks for letting me vent. There's got to be something better than this!!!! :crazy2:
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    {{{{{Hugs}}}}} SnT,

    It's very hard on our mommy hearts to deal with the insults and hurtful things that our difficult children can say to us.

    The only thing I've ever found that works with my difficult child is to just not react. I could be completely crushed inside, but I just bite my tongue (BBK calls it sitting on your lips), and don't ever let him see that he's gotten to me.

    If he can see that he's hurt your feelings, then it gives him a strange feeling of power, and he will continue to say horrible hurtful things. If he's no longer getting the gratification of a reaction from you, then he might let up. Even if he doesn't you're not buying into it any more.

    Sending prayers and strength your way,
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is so very hard. I know I try not to let it bother me but still it does, I think because it is so constant. I agree with Trinity that the best thing to do is not react. It isn't easy though!
  4. Calista

    Calista New Member

    He targets you because of who you are. He knows that no matter what you will be there. He has to get it out and it's just not safe getting out with anyone else. Who else can he trust to love him unconditionally? What this means is that you have to take better care of yourself when he is not around. And, when he is around and you can't take it anymore then you have to walk into another room or go outside.

    Personally, I would have his medications looked at. Clearly something is not working. If he has a mood disorder then the Concerta could certainly be making it worse. The mood stabilizer will help but probably not in conjunction with the Zoloft.

    Hugs and Luck
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh it is so hard. It takes practice, truly, like anything else in life!

    It may sound corny, but write it out. Write out how you would like to react to him. Seeing things in black and white do two things. One, you see exactly what you are dealing with. Two, writing any problem out immediately takes away some of its power.

    Count to 10 backwards in your head. Think of a waterfall, or a meadow, or a garden, whatever brings you to a happy place when you feel your anger start to rise. It is just words. And he directs them at you because he feels the safest with you.

    Yes, you are supposed to get some strange feeling of joy from that.

    And walk away. He is old enough to carry on. Go outside. Go in your room. One of our board members made the garage her safe haven. Take a drive, if it is safe.

    He won't know what to do, at first. When he catches on that you MEAN it, eventually, it will fade. He may do 2 steps forward 1 step back. Do not falter. Do NOT let him see you react. Yep, "sit on your lips".

    Come vent on here ALL you want. That is why we are here.

  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    If you can't develop thick skin, fake it the best way you can. Pretend the venom is honey; change the words in your mind into something loving; pretend it is someone other than you child speaking. Do remember that he is saying them to you because you are the "safe" one, the one who will love him no matter what is said and done.

    I used to drive my daughter crazy by saying very sweetly, "Thank you, sweetie. I'm glad you feel safe sharing that with me." Nothing more, nothing less, in a calm, soft voice. And I would say this every time she started spewing. It took some time, but the venom has slowed down. I took the "fun" out of it.

    A lot of the time, I really don't believe they mean the words they say. Sometimes they're afraid of being and giving love. Sometimes they're rejecting you before you reject them. Sometimes they want to hurt because they're hurting. Sometimes it's frustration.
  7. Sickntired

    Sickntired New Member

    Thank each one of you for your reply. Each one of you said the same thing, I am the "safe one".

    Now that I think on it, you are right. I remember one time I had just had enough of the name calling and yelling at me and blaming me so I calmy got in my car and was leaving. He ran out to the car and said, mom, you can't leave, you are the only one I can count on!!!.

    Go figure. He had just harpooned me with words!!! Strange way to love someone. Still doesn't make it easier to swallow. Thanks again.
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You know K has just started to lie to me and hide things from me... it makes me feel so good!!!
    NOT!!! I try to remind myself that I am the safe one. I am the Mommy.... Lately she has been putting me through...umm h@#l over dinner... I had the other night... it went from "I don't eat meat anymore!" to "You don't make ANYTHING I like ever!"
    I just lost it... "FINE! I am not making dinner anymore!"
    The poor thing just started bawling at the dinner table!!! It was actually kind of funny... but Mommy I love you!!!

    I of course still made dinner the next night... But we had a long talk!

    It is hard and it does weigh you down.
    Just remember we all get beat up! But we have to keep getting up... and sitting on our lips!!! If we stumble...
  9. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    Ah, yes...the words of the wise ones (that's why I'm here ;)). I must agree with what the others have said. It is SO very hard to not react when you are being kicked to the curb (how I feel sometimes)....it feeds the fire! These wonderful little horned creatures feel safe with the mama (or daddy) & KNOW we are not going to walk, drive, run or go away forever (even though we think we would ;)) BBK does say it well....sit on your lips...I like that & should practice more of it. Also, the garage is a GREAT place for dark, peace & quiet (or IPod in my case)...we need a "safe place" too, just to relax. You need to take some "me time" (just hope if you pick the garage, you don't have temperature issues like me...WAY too cold for me) :cold:
  10. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I just had this issue today. Sometimes I get so sickntired of getting yelled at, that I want to run a way. I have said many times that difficult child was given to me to teach me patience. I will either learn to be patient or lose my sanity. Not sure right now where I am with that.
  11. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Here's the page I'm on in my house:

    1. "whatever"
    2. I'm the Mom, you're the child, just do what I said"
    3. I don't have to tell you "why"!
    4. I didn't ask you what you're doing, I told you to stop it!
    5. and the most important of all: in a flat, monotone.

    Somewhere along the line, I've grown a wicked spine and a tired of this garbage attitude. I've decided that since I am the responsible for my feelings, only I can allow him to hurt them.

    I've also gotten into the habit of telling people to put up or shut up. I'm tired of suffering the backlash because other people decide that discipline is going to fix it.

    I've been told:

    1. you're mean
    2. you don't love me!
    3. I'm running away! (I respond with: strip naked before you leave because I bought the clothes and remember: you're not allowed to cross the street, so have fun walking in circles)
    4. you hate me
    5. and the most important of all: I love you Mom.

    That being said, I have also disallowed "I'm sorry I said that". My response is now: then you shouldn't have said it.

    God knows I love him, but I'm done taking a lot of his :censored2:!

  12. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I think it helps to realize that many times it's not about you. You are just the vessel that gets to carry his frustration. It's ugly but I try to figure out if he is talking to me or at me.

    The other is that I ask if he would like to be spoken to in the way he spoke to me. I tell him I have feelings too.(teaching empathy). My other regular phrase is "if you were the parent and I was the child, how would feel if I said to you what difficult child just said?" I keep thinking if I cue him into realizing that there is a person under the mom hat that he would ease up.

    At 23, difficult child is pretty appropriate. He says things that are somewhat hurtful but it is usually when I am pushing him into something he is anxious.

    My favorite "sometimes I simply can't stand you, mom" My thoughts exactly about how I feel at times about him. If I feel it, he feels it. I let that stuff roll off my back. No name calling can happen. Its not really a problem though.

    Good luck and know he is battling demons and you are his best help. Don't be beaten by his words.