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If there is someone that would be my friend...I would be grateful.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654167" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Well, I can't beat the post above mine, no way. RE has it down pat. But I will put in my .02 and you can take it or leave it. Maybe something in it strikes a chord, maybe not.</p><p></p><p>Detaching to me is to distance yourself from the drama...of ANY toxic person, and yes that can be a beloved son, a mother, a sisster, a brother, a once dear friend...you don't help them by playing into their drama or games or by trying to fix adults. You learn to emotionally detach by stopping the obessing for one. No FB spying <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> You don't pay the bills for an adult. That is also detaching and making your grown child grow up. Most adults do not have daddy and mommy paying for their toys or their mortgage or rent or anything...most adults want to BE adults. Some need a push. This is helpful to them, not hurtful. You also probably need therapy to help you learn how to cope with your adult child's decision not to do life your way. The truth is, our adult children do not have to adapt our values, morals, religions, social norms or be like us in any way. It is their choice. If something is intolerable to you, you set down a boundary.</p><p></p><p>"You may not visit my house with anything illegal on you or when you are high or I will not let you in."</p><p></p><p>"If you steal, I will call the police so please don't let that happen because I'd hate to do it. But I would."</p><p></p><p>"If you are rude to me, I will not read your texts or talk to you on the phone. I will gently hang up or leave my phone in a drawer and we can try again another time when you are calmer."</p><p></p><p>Setting boundaries is often seen as controlling by the person who is actually trying hard to control YOU. But it's protecting yourself. And you have to. No matter what happens to your son, you are still here, a seperate person with other loved ones who care a lot about your well being, and you should care about your well being too.</p><p></p><p>I found it helps (and I am going through a different type of family detachmnet now) to stay busy and do fun things and listen to crazy old music and talk to my loving spouse and to just get my mind off of it. Is it possible? YES!!!! But you have to make sure you keep yourself busy and not go back to spying or obsessing over yoru child. The fact is, HE is the only one who can change himself and sometimes our adult children DO change when WE stop enabling them. It happened to my precious, beloved daughter who once did drugs. I detached...she quit. Not even cigarettes anymore. A great mther. Yes, it can happen to your son. Do I know for sure? Nobody can predict the future of our children. The seemingly very best of them can have life changing things halppen to them. We only have now. The past is over. The future is yet to come. Living in the present is really nice and easy to do once you practice. It is called Mindfulness. I highly recommend reading up on it. Right now, dring this difficult time for me (and it has been difficult) I am focusing on my homey apartment, the lavender incense (no, I don't smoke pot...lol), my furry, loving doggies, my husbands arms, the music in the background, friendly phone calls from two of my kids, Skyping my granddaughter...what is happening IN THE NOW.</p><p>Now is all we have.</p><p></p><p>Many of us have had to do the walk of detachment, some of us have detached from many people successfully and have good lives. Sometimes detachment no longer is necessary too, especially with adult kids. It is always more peaceful when you focus on the present instead of fretting over the past (which can't be changed) and the future (which we ca't predict). I do think about hte past a lot and how I got to where I am today, but when I am having trouble in my life and negative thinking, I try hard to not go back there. It doesn't bother me when I am doing well, but it can when I'm not. Try to stay HERE. You can't even begin to know what the future will hold. Life is full of some wonderful surprises if we go with the flow. I never expected my life to be so darn drama-free, peaceful, and happy, yet it is. Yours can be too in time. .</p><p></p><p>We are here for you when you fall. 24/7. 365 days a year.</p><p></p><p>Hang tough. This is a bad time for you, but you can learn how to deal with it. Please get therapy ASAP!!! Hugs!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654167, member: 1550"] Well, I can't beat the post above mine, no way. RE has it down pat. But I will put in my .02 and you can take it or leave it. Maybe something in it strikes a chord, maybe not. Detaching to me is to distance yourself from the drama...of ANY toxic person, and yes that can be a beloved son, a mother, a sisster, a brother, a once dear friend...you don't help them by playing into their drama or games or by trying to fix adults. You learn to emotionally detach by stopping the obessing for one. No FB spying :) You don't pay the bills for an adult. That is also detaching and making your grown child grow up. Most adults do not have daddy and mommy paying for their toys or their mortgage or rent or anything...most adults want to BE adults. Some need a push. This is helpful to them, not hurtful. You also probably need therapy to help you learn how to cope with your adult child's decision not to do life your way. The truth is, our adult children do not have to adapt our values, morals, religions, social norms or be like us in any way. It is their choice. If something is intolerable to you, you set down a boundary. "You may not visit my house with anything illegal on you or when you are high or I will not let you in." "If you steal, I will call the police so please don't let that happen because I'd hate to do it. But I would." "If you are rude to me, I will not read your texts or talk to you on the phone. I will gently hang up or leave my phone in a drawer and we can try again another time when you are calmer." Setting boundaries is often seen as controlling by the person who is actually trying hard to control YOU. But it's protecting yourself. And you have to. No matter what happens to your son, you are still here, a seperate person with other loved ones who care a lot about your well being, and you should care about your well being too. I found it helps (and I am going through a different type of family detachmnet now) to stay busy and do fun things and listen to crazy old music and talk to my loving spouse and to just get my mind off of it. Is it possible? YES!!!! But you have to make sure you keep yourself busy and not go back to spying or obsessing over yoru child. The fact is, HE is the only one who can change himself and sometimes our adult children DO change when WE stop enabling them. It happened to my precious, beloved daughter who once did drugs. I detached...she quit. Not even cigarettes anymore. A great mther. Yes, it can happen to your son. Do I know for sure? Nobody can predict the future of our children. The seemingly very best of them can have life changing things halppen to them. We only have now. The past is over. The future is yet to come. Living in the present is really nice and easy to do once you practice. It is called Mindfulness. I highly recommend reading up on it. Right now, dring this difficult time for me (and it has been difficult) I am focusing on my homey apartment, the lavender incense (no, I don't smoke pot...lol), my furry, loving doggies, my husbands arms, the music in the background, friendly phone calls from two of my kids, Skyping my granddaughter...what is happening IN THE NOW. Now is all we have. Many of us have had to do the walk of detachment, some of us have detached from many people successfully and have good lives. Sometimes detachment no longer is necessary too, especially with adult kids. It is always more peaceful when you focus on the present instead of fretting over the past (which can't be changed) and the future (which we ca't predict). I do think about hte past a lot and how I got to where I am today, but when I am having trouble in my life and negative thinking, I try hard to not go back there. It doesn't bother me when I am doing well, but it can when I'm not. Try to stay HERE. You can't even begin to know what the future will hold. Life is full of some wonderful surprises if we go with the flow. I never expected my life to be so darn drama-free, peaceful, and happy, yet it is. Yours can be too in time. . We are here for you when you fall. 24/7. 365 days a year. Hang tough. This is a bad time for you, but you can learn how to deal with it. Please get therapy ASAP!!! Hugs!!! [/QUOTE]
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