If you could raise your kids again, what would you change?

[Ironbutterfly]

I would live in the country. Either farming or on an acreage, from the time they were very small. They do so much better outside of the busy, noisy, dirty city environment with all it's pressures. I guess I do, too.

We live in the country and our kids were in 4H programs. It was the best memories for all of us. It taught them responsibility, accountability, team work, showmanship and competition and so much more. If we had to feed the animals because they forgot, they got docked out of the pay they received selling their animals. We had pigs, Turkeys, goats and chickens.

 

[Copabanana]

We had pigs, Turkeys, goats and chickens.

I wish I would have had this.

 

[BusynMember]

I love animals and wish I'd lived on a farm too. Fresh air and exercise and helping...so good for the kids. With enough land...a dog rescue? Oh well. Next life maybe...

 

[Lil]

Less screen time, more outdoor time. More sports, less tv. We'd all be healthier. I'd be stricter too. I like the country idea. We'd do church too. Basically, I'd do everything differently. Every. Single. Thing.

 

[Copabanana]

I would live in the country.

They do so much better

I guess I do, too.

Insane, is it possible?

We live in a small city--like 80,000 with an economy that is based in agriculture and agriculture all around us. We are 2 hours by car from a very large metro area--where I lived almost all my life. For years I longed for the metro area, until I realized I was happier here. The people are warmer, nicer, more open.

While I do not have the acreage of a small holding, and cannot have goats and pigs, I could have chickens, and maybe geese. A few. Maybe I could have the tiny goats. (I wish, but I am not sure.) I could learn how to ride horses (a wish for a lifetime) ten or 20 minutes away.

 

[Copabanana]

Basically, I'd do everything differently. Every. Single. Thing.

Lil. This makes me sad. You did every single thing you knew to do. I did too. So did the rest of us.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Insane, is it possible?

I don't know if it is possible.
We are still raising our kids, and... after 12 years of the drain we've had on time, energy and dollars... not sure we can afford it. We should have been there 15 years ago. Literally.

What I have done is left the city for a small town. And even that helps - but no pets allowed except cats and dogs (and the other typical pets, like hamsters and fish).

 

[in a daze]

My daughter? She thrived. Wouldn't change a thing.

Husband and I always say she was born an adult. At the age of three, we would get in the car and she would remind us to buckle our seatbelts. Honest to God.
Aside from some minor brattiness at age 13, she was a pleasure to raise.

Difficult child? I wish I had felt less sorry for him and had not allowed him to manipulate me the way he did. I could have used some parenting advice from a therapist of my own.

Genetics has a lot to do with the way our kids turn out, and therefore we have less control than we think.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Not certain anything major I would have done differently...at least, not anything I would pin any hope on having had made a difference.

yet, they haunt me from time to time...i.e. not insisting Difficult Child keep track of his behavior folder. We had to sign it and return each Monday. I would often misplace it, but the teachers' view was that the students should keep up with it. I would write notes to teacher, asking her to excuse Difficult Child, because I had misplaced the folder. Wishing I had not done that. Today, I get their reasoning about how it would help the students be more responsible....and here I was, a public school educator.

Yep, that was a fail.

And there are many other things i would do differently with all three.

Do I think it made one bit of difference with Difficult Child's life, he who suffers from some sort of mental illness. no

I have mentioned my parents on this forum. My mom believes she was the perfect parent in every way. Any parenting mistakes were totally my dad's. (Funny/not funny).

 

[in a daze]

Cedar and Copa, you were good parents, from what I read on here.

And Cedar? You are much too hard on yourself.

 

[Copabanana]

from what I read on here.

From what I read on here all of us were good and loving parents. Perfect parents? Do they exist? Should they?

 

[KTMom91]

I think if you asked my former mother in law, Miss KT's grandmother, she would say she had been a perfect parent. She supported her son, Miss KT's father, through everything. She paid for an apartment for him when he wasn't working, made sure he had a car, paid all the bills...all these were things I did not know when we got together.

After our divorce, she paid the child support, gave him his grandmother's house, paid all the bills, made sure he had a car...he's 57. Still not working, still in his grandmother's house, still being supported by his mother. And she isn't speaking to me because, about 15 years ago, she yelled at me about grounding Miss KT for something and I told her I didn't want Miss KT to turn out like her father.

 

[A dad]

I think if you asked my former mother in law, Miss KT's grandmother, she would say she had been a perfect parent. She supported her son, Miss KT's father, through everything. She paid for an apartment for him when he wasn't working, made sure he had a car, paid all the bills...all these were things I did not know when we got together.

After our divorce, she paid the child support, gave him his grandmother's house, paid all the bills, made sure he had a car...he's 57. Still not working, still in his grandmother's house, still being supported by his mother. And she isn't speaking to me because, about 15 years ago, she yelled at me about grounding Miss KT for something and I told her I didn't want Miss KT to turn out like her father.

Well its not that bad at least he is not supported by the state meaning by tax payers meaning by us after all its her business on what she uses her money for which seem she has tons. The rest is we judging a person I learned that from a very wise person she said "Why should you care what he does with his life he does not hurt you?" I could not find a argument against that.

 

[nlj]

I would have left their father in 1990 and brought them up on my own.

 

[Carri]

Well, to start with, I chose the wrong man to have kids with. He was an addict but I married him anyways. When we divorced, I married again as soon as my divorce was final, a survival tactic which ended in another divorce. I wish I had the strength to have raised my kids on my own, not marry again for the wrong reasons. Perhaps my kids would have had higher self esteem if I had taught them by example.

 

[BusynMember]

Two more definite big ones for me that impacted my three oldest.

I would NEVER had adopted a child the same exact age as my bio. Son. That turned out horrible for Bart. I take responsibility because in parental issues my first husband wanted me to make all the decisions and just nodded his head. Surprised the adoption worker didn't point out all the possible problems with this especially the rivalry and competition. Would have been much better if it at least had been a girl.l

Second one was moving a shy middle schooler away from all her frinds and to another state. This directly lead to drug use.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Second one was moving a shy middle schooler away from all her frinds and to another state. This directly lead to drug use.

Or into treatment. Which is what we did.

More than once. I would not do that, again.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Second one was moving a shy middle schooler away from all her frinds

This is what happened to me.

Or into treatment. Which is what we did.

With only the best of intentions, Cedar.

I hope this thread turns into an opportunity to make amends (to ourselves) and to let go of grief and regret.

Not one parent here did these things to hurt their child. Efforts to obtain support--were those that were advocated by the culture--what were you supposed to do? Call the witch doctor or shaman? Your family?

Hindsight is 20-20. And the way life works is that many, many avenues open up from what seem like mistakes. Cedar, that is how your dear daughter views her own life. Learn from that.

 

[Copabanana]

I did not make mistakes. I responded to contingencies as they arose. Nobody has infinite choices and possibilities. They deal with who they are, where they are, and what they have.

I did the best I could. When I knew better, I did better. That means, I corrected course, as I could in the ways I could. I love my son with all my heart and soul. No person is perfect. No parent is perfect. I believe my task in life is to accept reality, learn from it, and move powerfully and determinedly where I want and need to go.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Well, I know I made mistakes in parenting, with each of my kids, each one was different in temperament and ability. I am well with my soul with it all.

Defintion of MIstake:
mis·take
[mi- steyk]
NOUN
1.
an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2.
a misunderstanding or misconception.
VERB (USED WITH OBJECT) [MIS·TOOK, MIS·TAK·EN, MIS·TAK·ING.]
3.
to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4.
to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.
VERB (USED WITHOUT OBJECT) [MIS·TOOK, MIS·TAK·EN, MIS·TAK·ING.]
5.
to be in error.