If you had to choose...

[WSM]

I want to live, so I would not let my son come home.

I like the option of leaving the state, but that means he lives with you for awhile. Is he allowed to leave the state? Is estranged relative in state?

Is there a third option? Letting estranged relative have him, and then turn estranged relative into CPS for allowing difficult child to drink and drug? Then perhaps the 'establishment' will say, he can't live with his mother, can't live with any relatives, we will have to find something else (a therapeutic foster care, a boy's ranch, etc...). They could be held for delinquency of a minor if difficult child failed drug or alcohol testing.

Can you have difficult child go to relative's house with the addresses and means to get there of runaway shelters? I'd be very afraid estranged relative would get difficult child drunk or drugged and then molest him, from what it sounds like from your description. I'm thinking it the establishment sees it doesn't work out anywhere else, they will have to find suitable long-term care for difficult child.

How does difficult child feel about going to estranged relative, does he understand the risk? Would he be able to defend himself just a bit (run away from molestation or abuse) if told how? How naive or streetwise is difficult child about drugs and child porn?

 

[DDD]

I would have my therapist write a note stating that it is her professional opinion based on her ongoing professional interaction that you should not be pressured to make choices by those working on difficult child's placement, mental health care and future.

Since there is evidently at least one year before any decision on future placement would be done, now is not the time for you to continue on the emotional rollercoaster ride. I don't know if you ever notified the Judge, GAL etc. that you are under the care of a therapist in writing but back away from any further interactions or confrontations until you are stabilized.

I just thought of something. Do they have a Victim's Advocate program where you live?? If so, maybe that program will provide the support you so desperately need. Those programs understand the trauma you have been through. I'd bet they would step up to the plate and say "Whoa!
Why is the victim being victimized??" DDD

 

[klmno]

Oh- I guess that has never been clarified here, but it was clarified in court last year. My bro always wanted custody of my son (from the time I knew I was pregnant) but of course, I would never let that happen. My bro tried to molest me as a teen but did not accomplish it. (That is a different incident from the rape.) My bro has MAJOR issues due to his bio-mom (he's a half-bro) and my bro REFUSES to accept that he has ANY issues because in his book, that makes a person defective so he has NEVER seen a therapist for anything and these issues never got resolved.

Now, I did see all that as somewhat of a risk- or I should say unhealthy- situation if my son was going to be around my bro a lot. But, we always lived in different states and I wanted my son to at least have one male family member that he knew since his father skipped out during the pregnancy. It NEVER occurred to me that my bro's attempts to molest me as a teen were anything more than an isolated incident. because of all this, I allowed a child/uncle relationship to develop- somehwhat. They talked on the phone, sent holdiay gifts, and we saw each other (all 3 of us together) about every 1-2 years. This is in spite of the fact that when my son was born, my bro got mad because I didn't name my son after him, I got mad for that, and my bro refused to see my son or speak to me for 2 1/2 years.

Anyway, as my son reached pre-adolescent age, my bro started talking about things and doing things that revealed more about how he truly is. He was trying to tell me how to raise my son, talked about teens should be allowed sex, drugs, and drinking, etc. (He had someone in his life as a teen that allowed him to do these things- he lost his virginity to his best friend's mom as a teen after she "allowed" him to get drunk on booze she provided and still sees nothing wrong with this.) Well, I had been wrong in assuming that as he matured, he had come to see that these things weren't really good- he still believes that this is the appropriate way and that a child SHOULD be raised this way. Then, he started trying to start conflict between me and my mother and difficult child and me. Then, he would say he wanted to visit but yell at me in front of difficult child the whole time he was here. Then, he smacked the kiss on difficult child's lips and looked at me like he'd do whatever he wanted. Then, he tried to get difficult child to start calling him when I wasn't around and told difficult child not to tell me things but to tell him then he set difficult child up with the computer stuff behind my back then told gal I had allowed it. He tried to get difficult child condoms when he was 12yo to have sex with a 10yo while difficult child was on a monitor from detention awaiting trial. Then, he called everyone in town telling them I had mental issues and had all my life and then he filed for custody. Somewhere in all that I realized that my bro was acting just like a potential molester at worst, and at best, was trying to undermine the parent/child relationship with difficult child and me, so I stopped contact between the two.

Oh- he claims I have mental issues because I DID go to therapy in my early 20's to get over my issues and learned about dysfunctional families and would not raise my son the way the familyy has typically raised their kids. I changed- not my bro. My bro thinks this makes me mentally ill. Evidently, the gal is still buying into that. We are getting there in my current therapist situation, but a lot has happened lately and there's only so much I can cover in 50 min appts once a week. LOL!

These are only the things that come to mind right away. difficult child does not know all these details since I didn't want to break his heart but wanted him to learn about them gradually. Still, difficult child wants no contact with my bro and hasn't for nearly 2 years- since he figured out that his uncle is under-handed and set him up.

My bro is 2 years older than me and still has big gay parties at his house a few times a week with a lot of drinking, and I don't know about drugs but I know that he said on several occassions that teens are going to do drugs, it's better to give them a "safe" environment to do them in. He only talked about what he wanted - never about what was in difficult child's best interest. I was wrong to not realize a LOT sooner that there was never really any reason to think my bro would be any different since he never acknowledged his own issues much less get help for them or try to change. My mother says now that my bro just probably tried to put on a show until difficult child was old enough that he thought he could get custody of him.

 

[klmno]

A couple of you snuck in on me. LOL! DDD- right now, it looks like difficult child will only be in detention a few mos (although that has not been confirmed yet) and they told me that in a few weeks a parole officer will be assigned and start working with me, so we actually don't have a year to "not think about this". That WOULD be an entirely different situation.

 

[Shari]

K, here's my .02.
***
First, I'd go along with option #1 for now. You can always change your mind as things get closer. I would do my darnedest to get a message to difficult child, tho, that while you are working towards allowing him to come home, if he so much as allows a devious twinkle in his eye that makes you wonder what he's thinking, he WILL go live with bro, and you won't stop it. No, you don't want him to live with bro. But he CAN'T live with you if he intends to harm you. That's not a "want" thing, that's a CAN'T thing.
***
Second, do you know anyone who lives relatively near bro? Can you yourself go there and "catch" some of his parties on film (don't use digital)? Past partners who would make a statement about what goes on? If you can get some evidence to back up what you're saying about the parties, etc, you may have a chance to have bro taken out of this picture. And you aren't against other placement - you're just against placement with HIM.

 

[Steely]

K,
After giving this a ton of thought..........my suggestion would be to completely let this situation go. This is killing you mentally, and you need to let go. I would tell all the legal counsel that you cannot have difficult child in your house, period. Therefore if they feel it is in difficult children best interest to let him go live with his Uncle, then they can. I would present to them all of the things you know about your brother, and then let it go. My guess is that CPS will not find your brothers house a suitable living place. And even if they do, difficult child will knock the living cr@p out of your brother if he touches him.

K, I am of the opinion that you really need to let go and start to detach from this. You know he cannot come home. You know that. So let the courts decide the best living situation for him. They are obilgated to make his living situation a safe one. If they are making you jump through rings of fire - imagine what they will do to the Uncle.

Let this go - and try to find some peace here. Move from your home that is battered to hell, and try to find you again. You deserve and need this, if not for you, for difficult child.
Many hugs and prayers.
Steely

 

[klmno]

Thank you, everyone! I might not be responding to each person or piece of advice directly, but I am going to spend a little time mulling this (the advice) over and form a "plan" for myself that will include writing down what I'm willing to do, where my lines in the sand are, and what I have no control over so I must "let go and let God" take over. This is why I wanted to address it before the parole officer gets involved- so I won't just be reacting to whatever pressure and threats are thrown my way.

I'm doing a little more each day to take care of other things that have nothing to do with this directly, so that's helping but there still might be times that I ask an opinion about how to deal with gal or a specific concern. I appreciate everyone's patience with that. If I foresee a potential problem with something, I tend to try to figure out ways that I can deal with it ahead of time so I won't be so anxious or worried.

 

[jbrain]

KLMNO,
I go with Steely on this. Let the chips fall where they may at this point. You are too important to keep agonizing over this and you deserve to heal and let go at this point.
Hugs,
Jane

 

[Star*]

Just sending hugs.

 

[klmno]

Thanks, Star!

I think the thread is dead but just wanted to clarify something since the issue has been questioned other places. My reference to my bro having big gay parties, which I believe would continue if my son lived there, is like a bunch of heterosexual men having big parties when there is only one other person around- and that being a 14yo girl. I'm concerned not only about things like what kind of home life is this when there is homework and dinner that should take priority, but knowing how my bro feels about teens doing drugs, drinking and having sex (like they are already adults), even if he didn't molest my son, I am very concerned that the stage would be quickly set for someone else to. It isn't a gay thing- it's about what is safe and appropriate for a minor, in my book.

Still - there are other concerns. Like my bro hating women- especially me- and I'm difficult child's mother plus difficult child is not gay and does not want to live with gay men, etc.