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If you have raised/are raising a daughter - HELP!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 381536" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, I wrote a long response and lost it.</p><p></p><p>I think you need to relax your rule. Ban boyfriends and you push her to lie to you, to see boys behind your back. But if you allow some level of relationship, you are far more in control. Girls at this age tend to blow with there wind, a boy they like this week is going to be out of favour next week.</p><p></p><p>The bets you can do, is make sure you have given your daughter the best rules and guidance you could have, while she was still young enough to listen. You are reaching the point where she will be more willing to learn from experience than to continue to listen. You have done the best you could, now you have to hope it was enough. When she feels she is ready for sex, you will not be able to prevent. I know! Chastity belts on your child are illegal. The best you can do is hope you have given her enough guidance, to make a wise decision and to delay it for as long as possible. But you need her to be talking to you, not hiding things.</p><p></p><p>easy child had her first boyfriend when she was 14. She met him at camp and began a long-distance relationship with him. After a couple of months of this, we made it easier on them and arranged to meet half way, at a museum. We went as a family, we all had fun, he met us and we met him. We let the two of them spend some time together just the two of them, but there was nothing they could get up to in public. Over years, we organised other outings. We realised we quite liked the boy, although he had some annoying habits. She was 16 when she first had sex with him. She is now married to him. Somewhere in there they split up twice, but got back together each time. The last split was when easy child was 17.</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 had her first boyfriend when she was 11. We were not happy. He was a few months younger than her, but a good friend of difficult child 1. He was also supplying difficult child 1 with porn, filched from his older brother. We knew that forbidding her seeing him would backfire, so again we organised a family outing - a picnic to a zoo. We had a lovely day although boyfriend spent most of his time with difficult child 1. The romance did not last - it turned out that she only liked him, because she thought he liked her. And he only liked her, because he thought she liked him. In fact, neither of them liked the other much. Not in that way. But they did stay friends. However, this took the pressure off easy child 2/difficult child 2 to have a boyfriend, until she was 17. All that time, if someone said, "Have you ever had a boyfriend?" she was able to say she had, but having a boyfriend was not very impressive. When she did have her next boyfriend, again it was a dead loss. The guy was a creep and the relationship did not last. It was a learning experience, but she had the maturity and self-confidence to make her own, sound decision.</p><p></p><p>I have supported my girls by driving them to meet the BFs. That meant I was present - a useful thing. "Let's go for coffee" is a useful tool. Over the years I have got to know a number of young men who hung around my girls. I am on good terms with all of them (except for easy child 2/difficult child 2's no 2, who I never got the chance to meet despite my efforts) and they have often come up to me to speak to me, ask me how things are going and let me know how things are with them.</p><p></p><p>At 11, kids should be going out on group dates rather than as a couple. You could organise a group outing and go along as chaperone. Make it a daytime event, something physically active. Invite other kids too, and just be available. No snogging in public, but hand holding is OK. Kids need to not be thrown in the deep end until they have the practice at being in a relationship at a level they can handle. And you the parent cannot regulate when this happens. All you can do is hang on for the ride and do your best to supervise and just be there. Keeping the lines of communication open is vital, more important than any perceived chastity. If you put too high a premium on chastity, you risk losing the vital communication. And if your child insists she has never had sex, you still can never be sure. If you really have forced it underground, you may never know the truth. And that could mean that when she really, really needs to talk to you, she feels she can't.</p><p></p><p>It's a horrible time for a parent, especially if your daughter is beautiful. In our case,, easy child 2/difficult child 2 has always had a sensuality about her that scared us. We knew her first sexual partner would be very vulnerable and at risk of being hurt badly. Her husband is actually her second sexual partner. We're also dealing with the fallout of her having HPV and some early cervical changes. Still waiting on pathology results. </p><p></p><p>Which brings me to the final point - BEFORE your girl becomes sexually active, teach her about sexual responsibility. This also involves emotional responsibility for the other person. Having sex too readily can harm either partner emotionally. She also needs to understand about safe sex (including the socially acceptable ways to insist on your partner wearing a condom) and also begin to take care of her own sexual health. Regular pap smears, contraception, knowing what to recognise in a male in terms of sexual risk factors - when kids want adult pleasures they must take on adult responsibilities. Your daughter may be too young for this talk now, but she shouldn't be too young for the cervical cancer vaccine. Make sure she has it NOW. It was too late by the time easy child 2/difficult child 2 had it. And it now appears that her current problems were caused by her first sexual partner, who told her he had never slept with anybody else before her. It now seems that at some point, he did.</p><p></p><p>So let her have a boyfriend, but make sure you're organising the outings so you can chaperone. If you take them bowling, you can sit in the coffee shop while they play and have fun. A perfect outing, and you drive them there and back. Read your book. They won't get up to anything. And it could be the only outing of the relationship!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 381536, member: 1991"] OK, I wrote a long response and lost it. I think you need to relax your rule. Ban boyfriends and you push her to lie to you, to see boys behind your back. But if you allow some level of relationship, you are far more in control. Girls at this age tend to blow with there wind, a boy they like this week is going to be out of favour next week. The bets you can do, is make sure you have given your daughter the best rules and guidance you could have, while she was still young enough to listen. You are reaching the point where she will be more willing to learn from experience than to continue to listen. You have done the best you could, now you have to hope it was enough. When she feels she is ready for sex, you will not be able to prevent. I know! Chastity belts on your child are illegal. The best you can do is hope you have given her enough guidance, to make a wise decision and to delay it for as long as possible. But you need her to be talking to you, not hiding things. easy child had her first boyfriend when she was 14. She met him at camp and began a long-distance relationship with him. After a couple of months of this, we made it easier on them and arranged to meet half way, at a museum. We went as a family, we all had fun, he met us and we met him. We let the two of them spend some time together just the two of them, but there was nothing they could get up to in public. Over years, we organised other outings. We realised we quite liked the boy, although he had some annoying habits. She was 16 when she first had sex with him. She is now married to him. Somewhere in there they split up twice, but got back together each time. The last split was when easy child was 17. easy child 2/difficult child 2 had her first boyfriend when she was 11. We were not happy. He was a few months younger than her, but a good friend of difficult child 1. He was also supplying difficult child 1 with porn, filched from his older brother. We knew that forbidding her seeing him would backfire, so again we organised a family outing - a picnic to a zoo. We had a lovely day although boyfriend spent most of his time with difficult child 1. The romance did not last - it turned out that she only liked him, because she thought he liked her. And he only liked her, because he thought she liked him. In fact, neither of them liked the other much. Not in that way. But they did stay friends. However, this took the pressure off easy child 2/difficult child 2 to have a boyfriend, until she was 17. All that time, if someone said, "Have you ever had a boyfriend?" she was able to say she had, but having a boyfriend was not very impressive. When she did have her next boyfriend, again it was a dead loss. The guy was a creep and the relationship did not last. It was a learning experience, but she had the maturity and self-confidence to make her own, sound decision. I have supported my girls by driving them to meet the BFs. That meant I was present - a useful thing. "Let's go for coffee" is a useful tool. Over the years I have got to know a number of young men who hung around my girls. I am on good terms with all of them (except for easy child 2/difficult child 2's no 2, who I never got the chance to meet despite my efforts) and they have often come up to me to speak to me, ask me how things are going and let me know how things are with them. At 11, kids should be going out on group dates rather than as a couple. You could organise a group outing and go along as chaperone. Make it a daytime event, something physically active. Invite other kids too, and just be available. No snogging in public, but hand holding is OK. Kids need to not be thrown in the deep end until they have the practice at being in a relationship at a level they can handle. And you the parent cannot regulate when this happens. All you can do is hang on for the ride and do your best to supervise and just be there. Keeping the lines of communication open is vital, more important than any perceived chastity. If you put too high a premium on chastity, you risk losing the vital communication. And if your child insists she has never had sex, you still can never be sure. If you really have forced it underground, you may never know the truth. And that could mean that when she really, really needs to talk to you, she feels she can't. It's a horrible time for a parent, especially if your daughter is beautiful. In our case,, easy child 2/difficult child 2 has always had a sensuality about her that scared us. We knew her first sexual partner would be very vulnerable and at risk of being hurt badly. Her husband is actually her second sexual partner. We're also dealing with the fallout of her having HPV and some early cervical changes. Still waiting on pathology results. Which brings me to the final point - BEFORE your girl becomes sexually active, teach her about sexual responsibility. This also involves emotional responsibility for the other person. Having sex too readily can harm either partner emotionally. She also needs to understand about safe sex (including the socially acceptable ways to insist on your partner wearing a condom) and also begin to take care of her own sexual health. Regular pap smears, contraception, knowing what to recognise in a male in terms of sexual risk factors - when kids want adult pleasures they must take on adult responsibilities. Your daughter may be too young for this talk now, but she shouldn't be too young for the cervical cancer vaccine. Make sure she has it NOW. It was too late by the time easy child 2/difficult child 2 had it. And it now appears that her current problems were caused by her first sexual partner, who told her he had never slept with anybody else before her. It now seems that at some point, he did. So let her have a boyfriend, but make sure you're organising the outings so you can chaperone. If you take them bowling, you can sit in the coffee shop while they play and have fun. A perfect outing, and you drive them there and back. Read your book. They won't get up to anything. And it could be the only outing of the relationship! Marg [/QUOTE]
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