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If you have raised/are raising a daughter - HELP!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 381676" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>On the subject of parents being very strict and controlling, I need to tell you - my mother was very, very protective. Her favourite phrase was, "It's not you I don't trust, it's others." but it was us she didn't trust.</p><p></p><p>Even looking back now from my perspective as a parent, I realise I spent my teen years looking dowdy, wearing clothes that were not permitted to let me look attractive or even someone with any shape. My clothes were deliberately ill-fitting and shapeless. Even when I was almost 20 and I had bought myself a dress that was cool and pretty (living away from home at college mostly) my mother took to the dress and remodelled it so it didn't show any cleavage.</p><p></p><p>At the time I complained that my mother was doing this, and people didn't take me seriously; my complaints were those of every teenager. But in my case, I was not over-reacting. I vowed I would not do that to my girls/ My mother was basically trying to protect my innocence by making me unattractive. And she succeeded. I grew up so unbelievably naive, that when I did eventually leave home to study, I had no idea on how to keep myself safe. I am amazed I didn't get raped or worse. I had a lot of close calls and survived by luck rather than good management. I also can look back and realise I insulted some otherwise very nice young men, purely because they began to proposition me. I had NO IDEA. </p><p>In trying to protect me, and in trying to keep me safe and wrapped up with tules, my mother actually put me in more danger. I was also unable to discuss boy concerns with her, because her reaction would be to say, "Stay away from boys" even after I was 18. She was polite and friendly to boys I brought home, but very controlling. I never went on any dates while I lived at home. Never. I would go out with friends, we would all go out in a group, but the boyfriend thing was not on AT ALL. So of course when I was living away from home and had my first boyfriend, I was in real danger. Because my first boyfriend really wasn't a proper boyfriend, he was just a guy who was on the make and trying to get me alone. I thought he liked me for me; meanwhile he probably thought I was freely available (it was the age of free love and it came in all sorts of unlikely packages).</p><p></p><p>I did learn; I had to learn fast. It was rough.</p><p></p><p>So please do not drive your daughter's boy interest underground. Control, yes - keep her contact with boys to group outings, chaperoned. But a blanket ban will be ignored, and you won't know until years later. And she will be in far more danger if she, as I had to, works it out for herself in isolation.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 381676, member: 1991"] On the subject of parents being very strict and controlling, I need to tell you - my mother was very, very protective. Her favourite phrase was, "It's not you I don't trust, it's others." but it was us she didn't trust. Even looking back now from my perspective as a parent, I realise I spent my teen years looking dowdy, wearing clothes that were not permitted to let me look attractive or even someone with any shape. My clothes were deliberately ill-fitting and shapeless. Even when I was almost 20 and I had bought myself a dress that was cool and pretty (living away from home at college mostly) my mother took to the dress and remodelled it so it didn't show any cleavage. At the time I complained that my mother was doing this, and people didn't take me seriously; my complaints were those of every teenager. But in my case, I was not over-reacting. I vowed I would not do that to my girls/ My mother was basically trying to protect my innocence by making me unattractive. And she succeeded. I grew up so unbelievably naive, that when I did eventually leave home to study, I had no idea on how to keep myself safe. I am amazed I didn't get raped or worse. I had a lot of close calls and survived by luck rather than good management. I also can look back and realise I insulted some otherwise very nice young men, purely because they began to proposition me. I had NO IDEA. In trying to protect me, and in trying to keep me safe and wrapped up with tules, my mother actually put me in more danger. I was also unable to discuss boy concerns with her, because her reaction would be to say, "Stay away from boys" even after I was 18. She was polite and friendly to boys I brought home, but very controlling. I never went on any dates while I lived at home. Never. I would go out with friends, we would all go out in a group, but the boyfriend thing was not on AT ALL. So of course when I was living away from home and had my first boyfriend, I was in real danger. Because my first boyfriend really wasn't a proper boyfriend, he was just a guy who was on the make and trying to get me alone. I thought he liked me for me; meanwhile he probably thought I was freely available (it was the age of free love and it came in all sorts of unlikely packages). I did learn; I had to learn fast. It was rough. So please do not drive your daughter's boy interest underground. Control, yes - keep her contact with boys to group outings, chaperoned. But a blanket ban will be ignored, and you won't know until years later. And she will be in far more danger if she, as I had to, works it out for herself in isolation. Marg [/QUOTE]
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