2Odd and 2Odd's husband - HI and welcome!
First of all - You need to know that as bizzare as what is going on in your home is? You aren't alone. I'm not saying it's normal. I'm not saying it's even acceptable, because it's not - it's crazy isn't it? HOWEVER - it is going on, and it's going on in so many homes - there is this board that your wife found, and there are all of us, and a whole lot more parents that have no idea how to cope with kids like "L". Makes you nuts huh? You give birth to them, you raise them right, and then they what? - I know, I know - we kept waiting for test results to tell us they switched babies at the hospital, or microwaves had something to do with it. I'll tell ya one - I went to a Catholic church, dipped a cup in holy water, brought it home and threw it on my son. Yeah, so you aren't alone.
Next you need to know that there is help, but (don't you hate the buts?) EVERYONE has to participate. It would be nice if it were like it was back when the Dad went to work and the Mom stayed home and the kids listened, or even Mom and Dad went to work and the kids were at home and the kids listened, but this L of yours? You need to know that the disorder he has is a real thing. NO he's not nuts, he's just going to take being parented a little different. So traditional parenting of "I say this - you do that?" NOT HAPPENING. Next - Medicines? Well yeah they can help some - but they aren't a cure-all. They may help him with they hyperness, but then again maybe diet and exercise will do that too. Hard to tell. Learning all you can about HOW to parent him, and HOW to communicate effectively with each other is going to help you more than anything. It also depends on your attitude.
If you look at this like "I'm defeated by a X year old?" well then - yeah maybe you are defeated. Try looking at it like this instead. If you were playing football for the first time and you had no idea how the game was played - you would have to learn the plays, the rule book, and get a coach to assist you and tell you how to win against the other team. Your family is your team, a therapist is going to be your coach, and this disorder is the opposing team. Sadly your son and the opposing team are one in the same. So you really have to pay attention to the coach, the rule book and try to stay one step ahead of your kid, and be on the same team at the same time. If it's confusing - you're on the right path - and for that you'll need a good coach 0r -therapist.
See not everyone is born to play football, and not everyone is just born to be a parent. We all would like to think because we can have kids -we'll be a natural at it. Then we get handed a child like ours - gifted; just differently gifted - and BANG - we have NO idea how to parent it. Traditional methods don't work, yelling doesn't work. Bribes don't work. NOTHING works. Thearpy works - it just takes a long time, and being consistant, and going, and sticking with it - even whenyou think it's fooey - because my son is 20 - and while not a pillar of the communtity....he's come so far, and should be either dead or in prison. It's just NOW that the things he learned the last 15 years in therapy he's applying in his life. Anger management, coping skills, decisions making. Steal, not steal. I mean it's serious baby steps even at 20 - like recently he was hit by a car. He caught up to the other guy, confronted him and a year ago would have beaten the man I'm sure nearly to death. Not kidding. Instead he beat the winshield of the car. Sounds odd, but to me? Improvement. Maybe in a few years he'll just take out his cell phone and call 911 like other people would have. No clue - but at least he's not in jail for hurting a person. It's illogical logic at it's best.
Your son, has a future. He's angry, frustrated and the worst part? HE doesn't even know why. Can you imagine how awful that is??? It's just there. He can't even control it. So you have a responsibility to find the people that CAN help teach him TO control it - and put them in his path, and in the mean time so you don't loose your mind? Talk to someone about it too. If you don't? You risk loosing your marriage, your family...your sanity. The "what" you are going through with your son? Isn't something that you can talk to your family about, or your friends - trust me - NO ONE wants to hear about it. They'll see it. In the end? Ahhh well - I'll say this - you're kid is going to weed out the best friends you really have. The other will just fade away and the real ones will stay. Why? Because this can get a lot worse. For us? It did. Maybe for you catching it now, going to therapy (all of you) it won't. Hard to say. No guarantees - but at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did all you could to put every opportunity in his path, and learn how to accept that those choices are his.
I hope this sheds some light on what you're going through. I'll tell you this much. You can't do this alone - you need help. There are other Dads out there that are going through exactly what you are going through, and don't blame you one bit for blowing a gasket. We all do from time to time. Living with these kids isn't easy, but I'm glad we got thearapy and help. Without it? Without us all going to therapy? We wouldn't be a family. It saved us for sure.
Hugs - Take care
Star
I'm so sorry you're having to go thru that. My husband & I have had many arguments over why difficult child is the way she is. I am trying to educate husband on difficult children issues to help with his reactions toward her & me, I wish I could give you some tips on how to handle these fights but sadly I am having the same issue. The best advice I can give you is to find that warrior mom within yourself and push on, for me I have started to take some comfort in knowing that I can do it by myself even tho its not how I want to do it. I have found that once I take on that attitude of "I don't need you" my husband suddenly wants to be needed and help out.
