Illogical comments and actions

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, Dec 26, 2015.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    So what else is new. Our Difficult Child was with us for a few days during the holidays. We visit with our easy child son and his family. Difficult Child joined us for part of this time to spend Christmas with us.

    She has a good heart, but was moody and her behaviors and actions are taxing. She is in her late twenties.

    Thoughts on how you might handle odd behaviors:

    Eating crazy amounts of food, two huge breakfast meals, a full meal at 3 am, multiple desserts and then complaining bitterly about indigestion and overweight. Not allowed to say a word about her eating habits possibly being the cause. Otherwise she blows up. Husband says best to shut up. She is adopted and has a family history of diabetes. This won't end well.

    easy child son throws out old Xmas decorations. She was asked if she would like them for sentimental reasons. She says no. But, then Gets them out of trash and insists we save them for her.

    Wears shirt so small it shows her belly and breasts. Asked if we can buy her a new shirt, she says no and her shirt looks fine.

    Stays for three or four days...had to ask her multiple times to take a bath, agreed to do it one time.

    Are these behaviors you see with your Difficult Child ? Any experience? Not a bad person at all, but can be argumentative, oppositional, defiant, very taxing. Etc.

    What I tend to do is ignore as much as possible and chose to be happy. Of course, it is much easier to do when I know she is going to leave soon.
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am happy you spent that time together over Christmas, Nomad. Our relationships with our troubled kids are...troubled. Even when the kids are doing well (for them) the strangest, most utterly embarrassing or unexpected things suddenly have already happened when all you did was look away for like, one minute.

    But that is okay.

    Your daughter was able to eat food she enjoyed and feels she has adequate clothing and, so you have learned, cherishes her memories of family Christmas enough to want to save some of the old decorations.

    I think you all did really well.

    I feel that way too when one of my children leaves. It is a centerless, spinning kind of feeling, but I am not sure why. So, I just put the house in order and remind myself that we have been fortunate to see her, at all.

    And that part about knowing the kids will be leaving?

    That is important, too.

    Really important.


    Which makes me feel guilty and that contributes to everything. But if we have hosted our families and made our toasts and eaten good food together, I think that is very nicely successful and am happy that happened for you and your children.
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  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Well, this strikes a chord with me, too.

    I almost cannot bear my 27 year old son in my home. I feel horrified to write that. In fact, it seems that a phone relationship with him for me, is optimal. Which was the form of relationship I had with my mother for much of her later life. That horrified me, too, after she died. About me.

    I think the visit you describe, Nomad, is about the best it can be. I think we need to forgive ourselves.

    We do not make a nuclear family anymore with our adult children. They make their own families. That is the natural progression of things. Their own homes and rules. Their own children. And money.

    Except that is not happening for our children. They do not fly away. Instead they seem to want to act like babies. And tyrants, too. Without accepting the responsibility that comes from adulthood.

    And who do we hold responsible, when they act like out of control babies--stuffing themselves--and dominating our homes when they return? Ourselves. Our knee jerk is to blame ourselves.

    I think we are living impossible situations with grace. Each of us.

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  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hiya Nomad,
    Yes, yes and yes. UGH.
    I have found, both my two have odd behaviors and habits. Some overeating. The tight clothes, I see lots of 20 and 30 something women with this......
    Moodiness. Not being able to have a decent conversation.
    I do not know which came first, the traits, or drug use magnifying this?
    But, I am like you with this Nomad, I do not address issues. It would just start drama.......not pleasant.
    The last couple of times I saw Rain, I did not make any controversial comments, just hugged her and told her how much I love her.
    I really like this way of looking at it Cedar. So positive. Nomad, I did not see my two for Christmas, they are mad at me for detaching......
    Yes, I have this feeling, too.
    I feel the same. Especially, the tyrant part. Entitlement.

    When my two do come over, it is like a storm approaches. There is an anxious feeling, because I never know what to expect. My grands, though I dearly love them, are whirling dervishes of chaotic energy. It is not their fault, they have not learned otherwise. So, I just remind them they need to have indoor manners at Tutus house. They are much better behaved when not around their parents.
    I didn't see them either, they are withheld from us at the moment.....

    I think this is absolutely true. What a beautiful statement, Copa.

  5. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    You know me and my father literally finish everything in the fridge if we somehow get gluttony we do not even care who is in the house for my father this habit appeared when all the children where out of the house on their feet. For me it was since I was on my own 2 feet and both of us got a little overweight like 10 kg more then we should have.
    The reason why we do not have more is because we do a lot exercise because of our jobs and hobbies but we still eat a fridge of food so there is a limit to how much exercise can help us.
    How to put it this my biggest flaw I admit it but I will not change it I like it too much and as I learned over the years there are flaws that is better to accept that the person has them if you want a relationship with that person.
    My way is as long as they do not support those flaws on my money and in my home I will accept you with your flaws. Its not perfect but it works for me.
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone.
    Copa's statement about living "Impossible situations with grace..." is absolutely accurate and beautiful. :)