I'm 14 mom I can do what I want!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by missdot, Jun 15, 2007.

  1. missdot

    missdot New Member

    <span style="color: #FF0000"><span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'>Things were going well they had upped his medications last week and I had just commented to my sister that I wasn't sure if its the medications or we are going through a good period. WELL now I know. Tonight difficult child and easy child went to local dance. I was just "riding" by and happened to see difficult child outside of this dance along the street with this weeks girlfriend and another boy. I pulled over and told him to get in the car NOW. Of course this was met with great hostility. Threats to me telling me he hated me yada yada yada, (truth is the Yada yada yada hurt a lot) Ended up calling local police to put him in my car. This of course met with greater Yada yada. He wants to go live with his dad who is currently visiting the local hooscow. What do I say to him in a.m.? And where do I go from here? He said he would rather live somewhere else. This is common right? Please tell me I am not alone? I try just to ignore, but he really hurt me tonight.</span> </span> :crying:
     
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Please do not take this wrong, and excuse me if I did not understand something, but was your difficult child doing anything wrong, or just hanging out outside the dance?
     
  3. missdot

    missdot New Member

    I won't take it wrong because maybe I did do something wrong but when I went to a dance or anywhere else as a child I went there. If I wasn't where I was supposed to be then I got punished. I saw him walking along the street, I didn't know where he had come from. He was not where he was supposed to be therefore in my eyes yes he did something wrong-----------he says its me oh please don't let it be.
     
  4. waytootired

    waytootired New Member

    My difficult child who has bipolar says horrible things to my husband and myself ...especially when he's pissed. You just have to blow it off and learn not to take it personally. Sure it isn't right to verbally abuse your parents, but most of the time our son is just venting. We have learned that you really have to pick your battles with a Bipolar kid. It's not easy and it's really not fun, but some of the time we get an apology later. I often , later, after the blow up when he is calm, tell him that he really hurts my feelings. He has said, "I know mom,sorry, I didn't really mean it".

    Have you read the book, "The Bipolar Child",? I suggest you do.

    Hugs...
     
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You didn't do anything wrong. He was supposed to be at the dance and he wasn't. As far as him wanting to go live with dad, easy child used to say that when he was really mad at me - sometimes still does. I've gone between calling his bluff (cause I knew he didn't really want to live with his dad) and telling him that he wasn't allowed - that I had custody and the say so - to ignoring it completely, the one I use most often.

    In the morning, you don't say anything to him other than what you have to. Don't try to make nice or talk about last night. He was in the wrong, not you. He owes you an apology. Expect one. Until you get it, you only provide what you have to - food, shelter, clothing.

    He's manipulating you, hon. You're the parent. You make the rules. He doesn't have to like them. It's just the way it is. He's 14 years old. IOW, he's lived with you long enough to know what is expected and if he was expected to be at the dance then that is where he should have been.
     
  6. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #000099"> i think once you go to a school dance you are required to stay inside/at the dance, but certainly are not allowed to go off campus so no, you were not wrong in my opinion.

    i would not open a further discussion about last night's incident either...unless he starts up again. you are under no obligation to explain or justify your actions to him (or anyone).

    does he know his father is in jail?

    kris
    </span> </span> </span>
     
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    in my humble opinion, difficult child probably did not understand your anger at that time. This AM I would explain to him that you were angry because he was not where he was supposed to be and it is scary to think your child will be somewhere other than where he is.
     
  8. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    &lt;HUGS&gt; I would've done the same
     
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I think I'm going to be the odd man out here, at least to an extent. You were not just driving and happened to see your son. You were checking up on him. You caught him being where he wasn't supposed to be. Rather than talking to him privately, you publicly humiliated him in front of his friend and new girl friend. Of course he was angry. I can't imagine anyone not being angry in that situation, whether they were doing something wrong or not. If he was truly doing some wrong, his self-defense mode would even exascerbate his reaction.

    Being a teen with issues to begin with, he's going to react strongly, probably more strongly and more defensively than a "normal" teen. That means his words will be harsher, his self-righteousness will be over the top.

    I gather this was a like a rec dance, not a school dance and kids were free to leave when they wanted. Were they allowed to go outside to cool off, talk, get away from the music and then come back? How far from the dance where they at the time you caught them? Is it possible they were just taking a break and were going to go back to the dance in a short time?

    So, there are things you could have done differently. Mainly, call him to your car and talk to him privately. See what the story was and whether he was truly in the wrong. Not tell him to get in the car in front of his friends. So, yes, I think you made a mistake. If it were me, I would admit to my child that I could have handled it a bit more privately and also let my child know exactly why I was so upset.

    As to his words, as hard as it is, you need to develop a very thick skin and not take them personally. I think our kids are very good at cutting us to the core, especially as they get into their teens. It doesn't get better for a long time. As a matter of fact, as they get older, the words become more sophisticated and much more hurtful. I used to tell myself that this was anger spewing, not my daughter's true feelings. When we would talk about an issue a few days later, she would confirm that she didn't mean what she had said, she just wanted to hurt me. A true apology was rarely forthcoming.
     
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hope you take this as supportive and as agreeing that you are the parent and you are in charge... I agree with-Meowbunny... I have changed my tactics--and they are "tactics" ;)-- in the past several months, because we all know that our G'sfg overreact to us and to general situations, so we have to adjust our actions.
    I would have still stopped and spoken to him, but it would have been privately (sometimes my kids' friends will try to stick by their sides and I have to try to stay calm and ask them to please step away for a moment so I can talk alone with-my kid). Then I would have told difficult child that he was supposed to be "inside" the dance, not on the street outside (again, I don't know what the rules are, but the implication is that if he's outside, even on the sidewalk, it's only a matter of time b4 he's down the street, then at someone else's house, etc.)
    You've got to expect that he's going to hurt you verbally. That's why he's a difficult child and not a easy child. But to understand it intellectually doesn't make it hurt any less. Believe me, I've been there!!!!! If you can find a calm time today or tomorrow, sit down with-difficult child and talk about how his words hurt you, and of course, he's going to say it's your fault. Stick to your guns and very guietly say that he's got to be able to control himself and that regardless whose fault it was, his words still hurt you. Period. Then talk about why he was not inside the dance and what he could have done differently. Try to keep the focus on HIS responsibilites with-o getting into a heated discussion.
    Sometimes I almost have to whisper and close my eyes just to keep my voice well modulated, because I know that the least little thing will set off my difficult child.
    Good luck!!! {{Cyberhugs}} :crazy2:
     
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You are not alone here. And luckily, 14 is young enough that it will raise eyebrows with people who otherwise might take him in if he were 16-17. In hindsight, my reply to "I can do what I want" would now be "I hope you have enough money to pay for it, because unless you live up to our rules, you're cut off."

    Sorry he's being a b-u-t-t.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Having lived with a kid who was impossible from 12-17, one thing I would definitely change is how strict I tried to be. It didn't work, and it caused her to shut down more. If I'd been you (after all I've learned)I would not have talked to him in front of his friends--I don't think leaving a rec dance, as long as he was right outside, is a big deal. Yes, I used to think that if my daughter wasn't 100% where she said she was, she was dead wrong and I was right, but I changed my mind after talking to her now that she is a reformed adult who sees that she did many things wrong. I think we do need to have some leeway, especially with kids like this. If he'd been ten blocks away, smoking dope, I'd have hauled his :censored2: into the car, but no longer would I punish for this sort of thing. I found it not helpful at all and just made her friends think I was a witch, which made them unwilling to help me when she was truly missing (and this behavior accelerated, even though I was Ms. StrictAsTheyCome. So I'd do it differently for my kid if I had to do it over again.
    On the "I hate you" rants, I ignored them. I knew she probably did hate me for the moment, but that she loved me and that didn't get anywhere with me--I was good at not letting her out-of-control ravings get to me too badly (can't say they didn't hurt at all). Fortunately, she didn't have an "other parent" to play against me or I'm sure she would have.
    I agree with learning all you can about bipolar. I'd buy and memorize "The bipolar Child" by Dimitri and Janice Papalous. It explains A LOT, which, in my opinion, helps. I hope this blows over and that things settle down. Hugs :smile:
     
  13. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Hi,

    When a kid says ' I'm 14 mom I can do what I want ' - I am your mom who wants to help you do what you want in a way that furthers your best interests in an appropriate way. I want to you to be successful and also have good relationships with people , how can I be of a help to you. ?

    The idea is make him feel understood , see you as a help and ask questions. One describes things , not being judgmental and ask questions, this gets a kid involved in seeking solutions. I recommend finding him a mentor and having positive influences in his life. There is no quick fix , it is a matter of building the relationship, helping him develop empathy and take perspectives.
    It is a process and not easy , but our influence is not the power we have over kids , but a trust , a good relationship.

    Allan
     
  14. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm waivering a little on one side and a little on the other. On one hand, he's 13, which is still a kid, and he shouldn't have been outside the school walking in the street. Wonder if he even made it inside the dance?

    On the hand, I don't believe I would have reacted so strongly in front of his friends. It was a situation that was ripe for getting out of hand. He needing to maintain his "coolness" and you needing to maintain your control as his mother.

    I think this morning is a new beginning. I would approach it very much like busywend said. Calm. Controlled. Don't let him allow you to loose it. Tell him you are sorry that you "lost it" last night but you were worried. With all the stories on the news about teens being abducted and killed, you worry about him because you love him. Additionally, when he yells and disrespects you, you loose your concern for him and just get angry and noone wins.

    I'm sure he will bring up "were you checking on me?" You need to be honest and just say "Yes, I'm your mother and it's my job to make sure you are where you say you are and that you are safe."

    If either of you begin to get angry, set the rules from the beginning. "If either one of us begins to yell or be disrespectful, we table the discussion until we are calm."

    Teenagers are a tricky bunch. Having a difficult child teen is even trickier.

    Good luck today.

    Sharon
     
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