hi So, I spent alot of time today thinking. difficult child was here most of the day, yet she had a get together with a friend at the library which was awesome, than her friend returned home and they hung out for a bit. which was simply great. I gardened all day long inbetween dinner etc.. Finally stopped around 8ish, planted my first japenese maple tree, last week i put a magnolia tree in. their babies super small. Anyway, i'm openly admitting that I am apprehensive about tomorrow. I know what my goals are for the day for difficult child and I. We do have a plan. Yet as you all know it's also easy child's birthday. husband and I have stuck firm with absolutely no gift or celebration if we are contacted by her. I guess i'm apprehensive about how itll feel in the a.m. to sit there for the first time in 18 years without easy child at mother's day "big scrambled eggs before husband runs off to work". Also apprenhensive about how it'll feel overall for me. I guess how difficult child will feel as well knowing full well it's her sister's birthday and mother's day. Apprenhensive about whether or not easy child will do a late drive by to run in say a quick happy mother's day and expect a gift. All i know is whatever goes down i desperately want calm. We've gotten a taste of it as of late and I like mundane. Worst experience today was difficult child and I trying to replant one of our trees lol . I don't want my emotions to overrun me tmrw. on any level. I want to appear happy and centered for difficult child. I've done well so far, yet tmrw. let's face it will be a double hit for me. the support here, advice has been tremendous. Yet one mind trick that i've found that works..... is simply stating I do not want to be my Mom. easy child is not my possession, she is a free willed person to do as she such please's now. it is not that way with my Mom, she is controlling and it has been a bumpy 41 years as her daughter. I want to be empowered, believe what i feel in regards to how we are all deciding to move forward with this. If i believe in what I do I find, i can do it with great conviction. I purposely told difficult child tonight we go seperate. no movie in moms' room tonight. tonight i need quiet, peace go watch t.v. in den for a bit so i came in here to post this. followed by a bubble bath..... and more processing. thing is i'm human and I know at some point it's going to sting. I can feel it rearing it's ugly head tonight a bit. it was just 3 short weeks ago she was texting me updates on where she would be etc. it's been a huge shift in gears for me. I guess other recent stuff weighs heavy too which adds on to it all. I know as i said what i have to do. I guess best thing is to "shelf" it tmrw. get thru day with difficult child do what's best for me, for difficult child and later on when she's sleeping allow myself to feel whatever is going on. I"m pretty good at shelfing...... yes?? clearly i can't get emotional infront of difficult child.... i've held it together so far.