Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I'm a failure
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 705565" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lucy, we're glad you're here. Welcome.</p><p></p><p>As others have said already, yes, many of us (most of us) have gone cold toward our DCs. Finally, beaten down, exhausted, bone-weary of it all, we stopped. We stood back and we let go. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like that's where you are right now. It is a sad and tough place to be, but I believe for we enablers and "helpers" for our adult kids who have gone off the rails, like yours and like mine did, this is our own rock bottom. We finally realize that love isn't going to change this. If it was going to change it, it would have already changed, because we love our adult kids so very much.</p><p></p><p>But they are now adults---even if only in the legal sense---and they are making choices. We have to let them do this. And in order for them to do this, and fully experience the consequences of those choices, we have to stand back and stand down.</p><p></p><p>I believe that is the ironic part of all of this journey. Once I was able finally, to let go, due to my despair and exhaustion and frustration and yes, anger, then, in time, my Difficult Child started having a chance to change. Before that, I was always standing between him and real life. </p><p></p><p>Don't fight this. This is your journey and this is your next step. As others mention, having counseling and support is such a good thing. For a time, I went to an Al-Anon meeting every single day. That program helped me so very much and I can't say enough good things about it, and about how I've changed, and grown, through Al-Anon.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't "feel" right to be done with our grown kids, but wow, think about it. Who wants to be around someone like you describe, and like my son was? Not even their own mothers.</p><p></p><p>You can't do anything about your husband's journey (his commitment to enabling) but you can move forward in your journey. And when you change, there will be a domino effect with your son. He will be different in some way too. </p><p></p><p>Don't expect miracles. With my son, even after I stopped, for a long time, he just got worse. But finally, his dad stopped too, and then my son had to live in the real world. And slowly, he started to change. Today, he has a very good full time job, has his own place, is sweet and kind, and is rebuilding his own life. This CAN happen. I believe one reason it was able to happen is because I finally got out of the way.</p><p></p><p>Please know we are here for you during this time. We know how hard this is and the hard hard times you are going through. Please continue sharing and let us help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 705565, member: 17542"] Lucy, we're glad you're here. Welcome. As others have said already, yes, many of us (most of us) have gone cold toward our DCs. Finally, beaten down, exhausted, bone-weary of it all, we stopped. We stood back and we let go. It sounds like that's where you are right now. It is a sad and tough place to be, but I believe for we enablers and "helpers" for our adult kids who have gone off the rails, like yours and like mine did, this is our own rock bottom. We finally realize that love isn't going to change this. If it was going to change it, it would have already changed, because we love our adult kids so very much. But they are now adults---even if only in the legal sense---and they are making choices. We have to let them do this. And in order for them to do this, and fully experience the consequences of those choices, we have to stand back and stand down. I believe that is the ironic part of all of this journey. Once I was able finally, to let go, due to my despair and exhaustion and frustration and yes, anger, then, in time, my Difficult Child started having a chance to change. Before that, I was always standing between him and real life. Don't fight this. This is your journey and this is your next step. As others mention, having counseling and support is such a good thing. For a time, I went to an Al-Anon meeting every single day. That program helped me so very much and I can't say enough good things about it, and about how I've changed, and grown, through Al-Anon. It doesn't "feel" right to be done with our grown kids, but wow, think about it. Who wants to be around someone like you describe, and like my son was? Not even their own mothers. You can't do anything about your husband's journey (his commitment to enabling) but you can move forward in your journey. And when you change, there will be a domino effect with your son. He will be different in some way too. Don't expect miracles. With my son, even after I stopped, for a long time, he just got worse. But finally, his dad stopped too, and then my son had to live in the real world. And slowly, he started to change. Today, he has a very good full time job, has his own place, is sweet and kind, and is rebuilding his own life. This CAN happen. I believe one reason it was able to happen is because I finally got out of the way. Please know we are here for you during this time. We know how hard this is and the hard hard times you are going through. Please continue sharing and let us help. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I'm a failure
Top