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I'm a hypocrite
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 237860" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Heather,</p><p></p><p>Here is my 2cents worth. I thik as parents we have to try and learn from every experience focusing also on our contribution to the conflict and how we can be more responsive to the hand we have been dealt. It is not easy and we need that rhino skin that can deflect the verbal and mental debris onslaught. </p><p>in my humble opinion I think you started out well by checking out the symptons on the internet, trying to share information with her in a neutral way despite her poor coping skills. I think we have to get passed the ' mental debris ' that is coming out of her mouth and just validate her feelings with I can appreciate you feeling this way , I am sure if my eye was iritating me I would feel very frustrated. I think the turning point was when you showed that her words were getting to you and you became judgmental and unsympathetic </p><p></p><p>'Fine. Be miserable. I'm trying to help and you're yelling at me and being nasty.'</p><p></p><p>So this puts one in a confrontation mode and you send her to her room , maybe you could have given yourself a time out , go have a rest, shower etc and say maybe if she wants you can call the doctor tomorrow or maybe she can call a friend, aunt etc to ask for advice.</p><p></p><p>So the power struggle begins over going to her room , she refuses to go to her room and you use ' power' and threaten her with removing her things and then you actually do it. </p><p></p><p>She says that threatening or using 'power' is not respectful , we would not like others to deal with us in this way even if we were out of line , so I would agree with her that parents including me sometimes respond to kids in a way that they would not with their friends , spouses etc . When we respond with 'power' we lose the moral ground in asking them to get their needs met in appropriate ways.</p><p></p><p>There is a time and place to deal with her response to her eye problem and your offer of help when she is calm and the relationship is friendly in a collaborative problem solving way.</p><p></p><p>I am glad the following day was better </p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 237860, member: 10"] Heather, Here is my 2cents worth. I thik as parents we have to try and learn from every experience focusing also on our contribution to the conflict and how we can be more responsive to the hand we have been dealt. It is not easy and we need that rhino skin that can deflect the verbal and mental debris onslaught. in my humble opinion I think you started out well by checking out the symptons on the internet, trying to share information with her in a neutral way despite her poor coping skills. I think we have to get passed the ' mental debris ' that is coming out of her mouth and just validate her feelings with I can appreciate you feeling this way , I am sure if my eye was iritating me I would feel very frustrated. I think the turning point was when you showed that her words were getting to you and you became judgmental and unsympathetic 'Fine. Be miserable. I'm trying to help and you're yelling at me and being nasty.' So this puts one in a confrontation mode and you send her to her room , maybe you could have given yourself a time out , go have a rest, shower etc and say maybe if she wants you can call the doctor tomorrow or maybe she can call a friend, aunt etc to ask for advice. So the power struggle begins over going to her room , she refuses to go to her room and you use ' power' and threaten her with removing her things and then you actually do it. She says that threatening or using 'power' is not respectful , we would not like others to deal with us in this way even if we were out of line , so I would agree with her that parents including me sometimes respond to kids in a way that they would not with their friends , spouses etc . When we respond with 'power' we lose the moral ground in asking them to get their needs met in appropriate ways. There is a time and place to deal with her response to her eye problem and your offer of help when she is calm and the relationship is friendly in a collaborative problem solving way. I am glad the following day was better Allan [/QUOTE]
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