Im about a mile from entering crazytown

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tinamarie1, Oct 20, 2009.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    husband has been in California for a month training getting ready to go to Afganastan. He will be there until June next year.
    difficult child has been in RARE form since husband left. We homeschool and he lies to me every day when he says he did his work. I go check it and guess what, its not done. I walk by the table frequently and hes staring off into space. He won't get up in the AM when I tell him to. This morning he laid on the floor and wouldn't move. He has spent 90% of his time on restriction since husband left. This morning I called husband hoping he could motivate his son to get the blank up off the floor. husband begins yelling in this drill instructor voice, cursing, telling difficult child that he will call the police if he doesn't straighten up. difficult child gets off the phone and bursts out crying, runs up to his room and locks himself in there.
    Gee, thanks husband! that was a huge help! My mother in law told me last week that I shouldn't "burden" husband with all that is going on at home, because if thats what hes thinking about over in AF then his life is at risk. A small part of me agrees with her, but a BIG part of me is like, umm no no no, just because he chose this job does not excuse him from being a parent. He doesn't get to forget about all the drama going on at home and think everything is honky dory. Thats not fair to me.
    I have taken difficult child to a counselor and he acted all sweet and respectful to her of coarse. then she calls me in and tells me a. hes not worried at all about his dad b.) he would love to join boyscouts and be with- more kids (after which he tells me he lied about that to get her to shut up, she wanted to know what interested him) and c) that he would try harder with- school ~ that hasn't happened.This is the same counselor that easy child and I see also.
    A few times I have come very close to telling difficult child to get dressed and we would go enroll him back in public school. I don't know how much more I can take. But I feel in my heart that if I put him back in school, things will go from bad to worse. He was constantly in trouble in school, didnt do his work, etc. The only thing it would do is put a little distance between us during the day. Which don't get me wrong I would love that...but is it worth all the drama and dealing with- admin / teachers at school.
    I just want to detatch...I want to live in la la land. I can deal with husband being gone. I can't deal with- difficult child by myself..if that makes sense.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If he is staring off into space while he should be doing his work - the Concerta is not helping him. This is supposed to help him focus.

    Time for a medication check.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You probably do need a medication check and maybe you need to get a therapist who gets your son a little bit more. Sounds like he has this one snowed.

    Now I am probably gonna say something you arent going to like but your mother in law is right about burdening your husband with all the problems at home while he is overseas. He doesnt need to be worried about how you and the kids are doing or if there are major problems going on. He needs to believe you are handling things just fine. Even if you have to lie. His mind needs to be 100% on what he is doing over there. Afghanistan is very dangerous and you want him to come home in one piece. He cant have half his mind on home and half his mind on work.
  4. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    Just throwing this out there. In your location you say you're in Virginia but your heart is in Louisiana, do you have family or a support system in Louisiana? If so, could you relocate temporarily while husband is in Afghanistan?
  5. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    I wish I could, but it would mean giving up our military housing (we can't be gone more than 30 days), paying rent in Louisiana on top of paying our housing allowance here, so basically 2 rents. And we would have to move back here for a year once husband gets back from AF.
  6. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    Do you have in home supports or respite services for difficult child? If the mountain won't go to Muhamed, take Muhamed to the mountain. Basically if you can't get to where you have support, get support to where you are.
  7. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    It sounds like home schooling is just adding to your burden. If he were in public school, he would have to accept more responsibility for his studies. As it is now, he can put it all on your shoulders. That break during the day may be just what you need.

    So sorry you're going through this.

  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I agree with Grace.....I always always considered school to be respite for me. I loved putting the tweedles on the bus & having 7 whole hours to myself. I only picked the phone calls from school once a day.

    You have enough on your mind with husband heading overseas. I imagine this is terrifying for you. AND I might suggest that difficult child is likely terrified as well though he may not admit it or even recognize it.

  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Lots going on in your life.

    You say that difficult child spends a lot of time staring into space. Has he had a sleep deprived EEG? Years ago they used to require an EEG before starting any stimulant treatment.

    Staring off into space is often thought to be inattentive ADHD. Another mom here encouraged us to get EEGs done because often it is really another problem. Because of this, I had each of my older kids tested before we tried medications. Jess surprised us.

    She has Absence Epilepsy. Staring off into space means that her brain is "not there" and nothing you say or do will penetrate. It also explained the wacky clumsiness that came and went. If your brain cuts off when you are running, you don't stay running.

    As the concerta is not working I strongly suggest you get the sleep deprived EEG to be sure that you are not dealing with some kind of epilepsy.

    there are also other things that this could be. in my opinion further testing is needed.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi T -

    First off - I think while your H is home - YOU and HIM need a honeymoon without the kid for a week. So mother in law being so helpful with all the answers here can come get difficult child and you and H can do your thing. You both need that before he deploys.

    If THAT were to happen? I think Grace is correct also and I know that the biggest fear about difficult child going back to school is that it could potentially be more hassle for you in the long run - but what it it isn't. Here's my thought. You and a difficult child cooped up together in a house 24/7 - yeah wanna know why both of you are about a mile of entering crazytown? or FunnyFarm town? 24/7 Baaabay. You both need a break from EACH OTHER. He's not getting any socialization that he could be getting and you're not getting any down time.

    I think you could get him an IEP, self-contained classes, a mentor/shadow to get to know him paid for by the school district to help get him distracted or take him out of the class if he got too disruptive...and even start off on 1/2 days if that was the case - OR get the district to pay for a TEACHER to come to YOUR house 1/2 a day also to help him with other things. As far as asking him what HE wants?

    I would give him choices. Dude did the - I'll tell you what you want to hear so you shut up and leave me alone thing and we always felt like idiots 2 sessions later. So we finally would pick things that were ridiculous choices and say "Okay - since you just pick **** to shut us up = here's your choices pick one. You can go to ballet, go to tap class or go to baton twirling." PICK ONE..only one. Believe me - he'd come up with one thing HE really wanted to do. That would become that weeks goal or prize. Short term stuff.

    As far as not telling husband about the stuff that goes on at home? Well - I think I agree with mother in law on this one - BUT (oh dont get mad at me) I said BUTTTTT.....butt so do you. Yes he chose the military - but who knew he'd be going to a war zone? I know you think you're in a war zone every day. So....since there are things YOU can do to eliminate SOME of the things in your strike zone - why not try them? I mean - send difficult child to school and if it doesn't work out ? What did you loose? What if it DOES work out? What did you gain (maybe a non-trip to zooland?) I mean I'll be out a craft-class wallet or some nice slippers made out of Maxi pads - (you were going to make me something right?) but if he does get set up in school - you get some alone time? You could read - attend parenting classes....find a class on effective communication - learn how to talk to a difficult child? (it's sooooo good) it's like a foreign language and you'll think you've learned how to speak Chinese and found the hidden language of the difficult child.

    There's lots of things you could do with your time. (send me something pretty) ;) Take a class at a local college....I mean tons of stuff.

    And the more distance you put between you and difficult child - the better it's going to make the Tina household.....and that will make husband happier - happy wife? Happy life....right?

    And Wend is right - medications tweek is definitely in order. So start there....and when the medications are stable - talk to the school and see what they have to offer. Don't use it as a threat either with difficult child. Just do it.

    I bet he'll like it.

    (nooo I didn't EXACTLY say mother in law was rrrrrrright I said I sorta agree with her will you STOP already? ish) ;)