I'm About to Walk (a vent beware)

[Hound dog]

Maybe it's because I've been so sick and my patience is shot. Dunno. Maybe it's because now that I've recovered from the pneumonia, my kidneys are in a major uproar....Could be some of it.

But this morning I'm ready to walk out the front door and just not look back.

Too much stress, too much going on, too much drama, too much illness. I'm frankly sick and tired to attempting to cope with it all.

Nichole's boyfriend is at it again. Of course he is, it's tax time. We've done this song and dance for 3 yrs straight in a row. And now he's using Nichole's unemployment as fuel to get Nichole to basically scr*w us over. And because she's broke and desperate and panicky......it's working.

For 3 yrs her boyfriend wanted to claim Aubrey and we refused. Sorry but she lived in our house and I don't count 25 bucks a week as "supporting" someone. Gimme a break! Nichole and Aubrey lived with us until Sept when she moved out. Now he's talked Nichole into taking the whole year with herself and Aubrey. Is telling her she'll get more money back that way. He "supposedly" talked to the tax person about it. Yeah, right. He won't be filing taxes. He's been on unemployment for more than a year. Nichole sent me a PM this morning stating this and that her own family comes first. (that lesson has come back to bite me in the )

She's right. She should put her own family's welfare first. But I replied that Drew is not part of that family and has nothing to do with this decision. He did not work and is not married to her. At this time her "family" consists of herself and Aubrey. I doubt she'll take that well, but dang it to hades it's the truth. I told her She needs to call and talk to the tax person or meet with them, explain the situation, and see what they have to say. I told her they'd explain to her the best way she should go about it.

If it does turn out it is better for her to claim herself and Aubrey I'll hoover it up and deal with it. Although it's going to cause a serious blow to husband and I. We'll be several thousand dollars in the hole because he claimed them both through the year while he was working. And with him now unemployed too, there is no way to pay it back. Except for my FASFA refund that I'll get in a few weeks.

Dammit I told husband to stop claiming them last Jan and he didn't.

If I use my FASFA to pay back taxes......I can't get my teeth fixed, and that need grows more desperate by the day. I can't go see the nephrologist and that need also grows more desperate by the day. And I can't catch us up on the house payment and other bills that are difficult to pay on just barely 300.00 a week.

I'm in pain this morning. Serious pain. I walk across the room and my kidneys spasm and it's all I can do to stay on my feet and not scream. Most likely the after effects of the pneumonia and the h1n1 before that. been there done that many times in the past. It will most likely resolve by itself.....but if it doesn't there is no money to see the nephrologist, no money for medications, and ER staff only look at me like I'm an alien when I start rattling off dxes and medication history. They either think I'm seeking pain medications, a nut case, or go overboard and attempt to admit me, whether necessary or not.

I was in serious pain all day at school yesterday and it was nearly impossible to cover for it. I have clinical lab today and I am dreading it. But I just cannot miss anymore school. I am so far behind now it is hades attempting to catch up. (and I'm no where near caught up) If I miss anymore I'm not going to make it thru the quarter. Clinicals start friday and I've no clue if I'm going to be able to move patients for 8 hrs straight.

This hoovers. There is sooooo much more going on. I just don't have the heart to type it.

When I think of Nichole it hurts. Yes, I know she really needs the money and I understand that. Really I do. I see her point of view clear as day as I'm living it myself. But I've got to say that even though I can barely tolerate being in the same room with my Mom for an hour.......I would never think to do such a thing to her. Not after she let me live with her with my child for free for 3 yrs. Would not even enter my mind.

Get ready cuz here comes the whiney part.

I spent a lifetime sacrificing for my kids. I stayed at home to raise them because I didn't want them raised by strangers in daycare. And when I say I sacrificed I'm not kidding. I went without clothes, often without medical care and medications, and sometimes even without food so they could have what they needed. Sick or well they got my 100 percent everyday without complaint. I'd drag my butt out of bed after major kidney surgery with tubes hanging out of my back to cook, clean, and take care of them. And I didn't mind because I loved them. I knew my time was limited and I didn't want them to have painful memories of their chronically ill mom. So I hoovered it up, gritted my teeth thru the pain and just did it. No help. All by myself.

My gut tells me it's not going to be long before I start dialysis. It's possible that I should already be doing it. I dunno. But I do know when I say I feel "well" it is not what the average person thinks of as being well. It means that I can get out of bed that day, maybe have some energy, don't feel like tossing my cookies, and don't have rip roaring diarrhea. Half the time I can't sleep either due to pain or because the moment I lay down my kidney's decide to over work and all I do is run to the bathroom. I get no pleasure out of food because my appetite is zero and most of the time I'm nauseated. The past year my health with my kidneys have gone straight down hill. Comes with CRF I know that. It svcks but there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. And when the symptoms are really bad my memory is toast and my concentration drops to next to nothing.

Finishing school would mean financial independence from husband and that is a huge deal for me. But it is more important that I finish for a different reason. I'm doing this because I need to finish something I started and walked away from almost 30 years ago. I knew going in that I might not ever be able to work as a nurse. I knew that I also risked not being able to physically finish the program. But it was still important for me to try.

I'm not giving up but at the moment the task seems monumental. This quarter I'm already having to take it one day at a time.

I just want to scream at my kids Look dammit, I am SICK. No I don't act like I'm dying. But that doesn't mean that most of my days aren't a living hades. I don't want to deal with your stress anymore. I don't want to deal with the stress of just living anymore. I want to concentrate on the one goal I have left for myself and just attempt to make it thru each day. I want to be appreciated for what I've done, what I've gone thru to just raise them. Would be nice to have them call me up and just say Hey mom, how are you today? Is there something I can do to help make your day just a little bit better?

But instead I get their problems, their drama, and I'm still expected to be here when they need someone to lean on. I love them with all my heart. And I know that it's really hard to get life with a chronic terminal illness. My head knows that. It just makes my heart hurt. The struggle is becoming too hard to deal with alone......and I'm still having to deal with it alone.

Pity party is over. I've got to make myself put on clothes and make it thru clinical lab. What I really want to do is go back to bed. FYI I am not depressed. I am overwhelmed.

Thanks for letting me unload. I dunno even if it made sense.

 

[Shari]

Gosh darnit all....is it the weather? The moon? The gravitational pull of some distant planet we haven't discovered yet? What is making all these difficult child's out of otherwise functional people lately????

I'm sorry, Lisa. You've worked so hard...for this.

I do know that the first year DEX and I were divorced, he had the gonads to claim difficult child 1 as his dependant. We both got nasty letters from the IRS and the "person in error" was to amend their return. Even tho difficult child 1 was never legally mine, according to the IRS guidelines, I had every legal right to claim him, so I did nothing. I don't know if DEX ever amended his return or not, but nothing has come back on me.

I would suspect you ahve every right to claim N and A, also. Guess I'd be tempted to do so.

The year difficult child 1 left for boot, I claimed him, also. I supported him 100% for the 7+ months he was here that year...for the remainder of that year, he was in boot and barracks...not exactly having to go to the store and pay the rent...he didn't argue.

Guess I'd make sure she qualified to be claimed and claim her and let the feds figure it out later.

And I hope you can get to feeling better soon. Darnit, you don't need that on top of everything else.

 

[DammitJanet]

Lisa...Im sorry. I dont have half of what you have going on and I feel overwhelmed most of the time. For what its worth, I think you guys really do need to sit down with a tax person to see where you guys sit with Nichole and the tax situation. Exactly how much did she make last year? That is what it depends on I think. You can claim her as a dependent but she can do a return to get her money back that she paid in saying she is being claimed as a dependent on another return. Drew will have to do a return because Unemployment is taxable. Hope he had taxes taken out!

Honestly I think legally, you guys are entitled to claim nichole and aubrey and nichole does the return for herself as a person who is another persons dependent. That is what my kids did when they worked part time and wanted to get what they paid in back. Its fairly common. It happens a lot with teens and young adults who still live at home when the parents are still supporting them.

I dont blame you for being completely stressed out.

 

[susiestar]

It makes a lot of sense.

Legally Nichole CANNOT claim herself and Aubrey. Period. If you want to let her you can, but it is not LEGAL. She simply meets the definition of dependent. Period. Go to a tax person this weekend and get your taxes done. Reality is that whomever files first can get away with it. But if you also claim them then there will be an investigation and YOU will win.

I am very worried about your kidneys. I know you have a lot of pride. Look at your grandbabies. Aubrey and Darrin and the baby. Are you willing to miss out on seeing them go to high school? Play whatever sport they want to try? Start to date? Graduate high school? Go to college?

That is what you are choosing when you let pride keep you from seeing the docs. You NEED to start filing for disability. You can still go to school. but this will give you some money to live on and it will get health care for you. I bet you $1 that if you call the doctors nurse and tell her that you are having the symptoms you are having and that your husband is out of work and you are unable to pay the doctor will let you pay later or treat you for free.

Sweetie, the pain is a MESSAGE. Yes, you CAN grit your teeth and push through it. Ignore it. But that will simply mean you die pretty soon. Your body is telling you that it NEEDS help. ASAP.

Or you can go to the ER. Ask them to get a nephrology consult. Have your diagnosis's and symptoms written down or typed. Let them look at you funny. Let them admit you. I think you NEED it.

You are playing a dangerous game. A very dangerous one. The way your kidneys are working is very bad. Ignoring this just is NOT a smart thing to do. easy child is a nurse. Tell her your symptoms and pain. Do NOT downplay it. Ask HER what she thinks you should do. I bet she says go to the hospital.

I am so sorry things are this bad. Nichole needs to get over herself and stop being greedy. Maybe if you give her the difference between what she will get not claiming herself and Aubrey and claiming herself and Aubrey then she will settle down. We have down that with my parents. Only we never intended to claim ourselves when we lived with them. husband worked so he claimed himself. My mom and dad offered teh $$ freely. We took it and then spent it on things for the household or to fix up the house. Never on ourselves.

Sending hugs and prayers that you do what your body needs even if you have to sit out this quarter to get your strength up and your kidneys working. You very well may collapse at school. PLEASE stop playing around with the kidney problems. If you need a transplant I will get tested. Just get to a doctor in the next few days. PLEASE.

 

[Shari]

If you need a transplant I will get tested. Just get to a doctor in the next few days. PLEASE.

Ditto.

 

[DammitJanet]

double ditto

 

[flutterby]

Lisa, your children are adults. It's time you sit them down and have a come to Jesus meeting. They don't need to be sheltered anymore.

And you have to have your health monitored and treated. I'm sure if you go to the ER and they decide X treatment is necessary, they will get a social worker to work with you to figure out what you need to apply for to pay for it. Bottom line, though, is that a public hospital has to treat you for a life threatening illness regardless of your ability to pay.

Stress isn't helping any of this. It's time that your family steps up and helps.

And as far as Nichole and boyfriend? Well, it's time to stop playing grown up and start acting like a grown up.

(((hugs)))

 

[DaisyFace]

Lisa--

I love you. What can I do for you? Be an ear? A shoulder to lean on? I am here for you.

I know you are feeling un-appreciated right now--but you mean SO MUCH to this group. How could we go on if you walked away from your life? And no, we don't need you to do anything special for us. We just enjoy your company. We love you for who you are.

(((hugs)))) and support

And add me to the list of folks willing to get tested as a possible kidney donor.

--DaisyFace

 

[Kjs]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. As for taxes..finances, I think it is just that age. My 26 year old son has lived at home most of his adult life. college for two years, then back, job out of town then back, in with friends, then back(twice). Even though I pay his bills, feed him, laundry...he thinks he owes nothing. And when he does get a bill he doesn't even open it. For whatever reason thinks he shouldn't have to pay it.

I did not stay home with my kids. I couldn't. No possible way. But, I do not believe a stranger raised them. I worked 12 hour shifts and had 3 days off one week and 4 days off the next. husband took them and picked them up.

I claimed my older son on my taxes and he was upset. For the month or two that he did work he wanted to get that money. With me claiming him he got much less. but tough.

I talk to people at work with kids this age too. We just shake our heads. Did we do to much for them? Did we give too much of ourselves? They just don't get it.

easy child JUST got his first job with benefits. I asked him last night how much they take out for insurance, and what kind of insurance. He doesn't know. He BETTER NOT of denied insurance. He just says he doesn't get insurance. ??????

My parents were not wealthy, but they did make me do it on my own. I was a single mom. Had government assistance until I started working full time. Went back to college when easy child was 1. Not a degree, a program that did place me in a job. But my parents didn't help. I struggled. I often wondered why they didn't help. I know NOW. I had to struggle to make it. I had to experience that to appreciate what little I now have. But my kids...they have no clue. Not a clue how hard we work and how we do it all for them.

I am sorry she doesn't realize it. She will some day. In the meantime...take care of yourself and I hope you feel better.

 

[crazymama30]

Oh Daisy. Hugs, and very gentle ones being careful of the kidney areas. Honey, you need to find a way to get medical treatment if at all possible. You know that.

I cannot even imagine caring for kiddos with neph tubes (which is what I am assuming they were). I hope the dialysis is further away than you think. If it comes to that, can you do peritoneal dialysis so you can at least do it at home at night? Hemodialysis is so taxing and time consuming.

If you need a kidney, please post it. I would be willing to get tested also. I've got 2, and only need 1! No need for me to be stingy.

I do not know enough about tax law to comment on the N and A thing, other than I think boyfriend is a major leech, and the scum of the earth. He sounds like such a mooch.

 

[KTMom91]

Add me to the list of willing kidney donors.

And file your taxes ASAP, claiming both Nichole and Aubrey. E-file if possible, as that will lock it up for anyone else (like boyfriend) to file using those SSNs.

 

[MyFriendKita]

I don't know all the details of yours/Nichole's situations, so I can't comment on who is entitled to claim her and Aubrey's exemptions, but it simply is not true that it's first come, first served. Tax law doesn't work that way.

 

[Hound dog]

I'm impressed you all made it thru such a long vent/whine. As you could tell I was not having a good morning.

The kidney spasms are calming down some, it's not been as bad today. But I'm going with Nichole to her nephrologist appointment and I can talk to the doctor then about me as well......and maybe how we can work out me being seen with no money/no insurance. easy child tells me this doctor is much like my fam doctor in personality. Old fashion (although both are young) small town type docs. So it may be possible to work something out.

I've stopped worrying over the taxes. I just can't do it anymore. I have to lay it aside. Nichole is to gather info. If it would bring back more refund for husband and I to do it we'll go that route, and share it with her. If it is with her doing it......then that way. Honestly, it's husband's fault to begin with. I told him to remove her as a deductable because she was planning on moving and we didn't know how soon it would be. (I didn't want it coming back to bite us later) He didn't listen.

Last time I spoke to anyone concerning disability I was told the person had to already be on dialysis. Don't know if that's still the case or not. But since my last nephrologist up and retired without so much as bothering to inform his patients......Lord only knows where my medical records are. I'd have to have all of the testing redone probably.

Like I said, I'm not depressed. I'm just overwhelmed and tired. Having been sick for so long just brought it all to a head. My patience and tolerance is shot all to hades. The day to day **** is bad enough....when you add in the health issue, there are just days that I want to throw up my hands and say to hades with it all.

Nichole isn't doing this to be a brat or even a difficult child. She's reacting to being scared, and having boyfriend badgering her non-stop with what he wants her to do. The latter I know because he's done it since Aubrey has been born. I don't begrudge her the money. Seriously. I've no other way to help her. It would just be nice if it wouldn't put husband and myself into a hole is all. Because I had other pressing plans for that FASFA refund. If that weren't the case......I wouldn't even be complaining.

I will have easy child talk to her SW at the hospital and see what can be done for someone in my position. I won't argue that I need to see the nephrologist. But finding one that will do something for you when you don't have insurance or an income is not as easy as it should be. Maybe they have a free clinic or something. by the way I will not go to the free clinic down here, nor the ER......I can stay home and live longer. (yes, it really is that bad) Currently fam doctor is giving me my kidney medications.....so at least I'm not doing without those. That's something. But I do need to have the function level tested again. I'm trying hard to stay on my renal diet....but man, is that expensive.

Crazy- yes they were neph tubes. Spent 4-6 months caring for the kids that way. Is not something I care to repeat. in my opinion that was worse than the 6 surgeries I had during that time frame.

Tonight I'm just exhausted. Some contributed by still re-building my strength after being sick, some due to the kidneys. I've tried to do some studying but I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Doesn't help that pharm is not a very interesting subject. lol I think I'll be turning in early tonight. I can always get up at the crack of dark to study again. I don't have class tomorrow.

Thanks for listening to me whine/unload. It helps. You've no idea how much it helps.

Hugs

 

[everywoman]

Just a hug Daisy---
and another kidney offer.
And just go online and file for disability. List your previous dr's name---his files should be with whoever took over his practice. The worst that can happen is they say no---and then you haven't lost anything.

 

[GoingNorth]

I don't think you currently have to be on dialysis to qualify for SS benefits. The benefits are awarded based on medical reports, statements by both you and doctor and friends as to how this disease is impacting your life, and that sort of thing.

It comes down to whether they agree that you are unable to work. I draw SSDI based on my bipolar and on my back problem. While the back problem doesn't rule me out of the workforce, it does make it impossible for me to do the kind of work that is available to me.

 

[mom_to_3]

I work for a nephrologist and in a dialysis center. We have clinic pts. that get in to see our doctors. thru a referral. They usually go to a free or low cost clinic, who in turn refers to us. The hospital that we are affiliated with accepts these pts. We would not schedule for a pt. with no insurance or that does not have a referral. This appears how you would get yourself in to see a nephrologist if your labs were bad enough.

I suspect it is customary that all hospital. have a business office. Our hospital. will charge 40% of the bill if you are cash paying and will make financial arrangements for repayment. We do have a social worker in our clinic that soley works to get our dialysis pts. services paid for. Most of our pts. that are on dialysis are on medicaid.

A hospital social worker is a wonderful rescource. Ours is great!

If you are feeling that bad, you should go to the ER. While you are there, get your bun/creatinine and a dialysis profile done to check on your kidney function.

I hope you get to feeling better!

I know you didn't ask this, but maybe it would help if you tried to remember what drew you to your husband in the first place. None of us are perfect, so surely there must be some positive there. I know you aren't feeling too generous right now, but try it. You liked him enough to make babies with him right? You wouldn't have been able to stay home with your children if he had not been supporting the family, right? It's easy for all of us to focus on the negative. I have found that to focus on what is good (not perfect) in my life really helps my attitude.

There's lots of positive around you Lisa! Look at all the offers for a kidney! We're gonna pull you right out of this funk!

 

[dreamer]

I really dont have much to say re advise or ideas.sounds like everyone covered it. I just want to give you HUGE hugs,. Careing for family while you battle your own illness is SO hard, you know I know........and the bfs and baby daddys issue is one Im hateing more & more & more every day. So just tons of hugs to you.

 

[susiestar]

It is true that tax law does NOT say whoever files first wins. Very True. Tax law is that if a person was supported by you and lived in your home for six months plus 1 day then you can claim them as your dependent. There is no provision to claim someone for half the year, to the best of my knowledge. I did look online and could find no source that said you could claim someone for half the year.

Nichole did not support herself or her child until September. If she moved out on September 1 then she supported herself for 4 months. If she claims herself and the baby she is committing a crime. Lying on your income tax is a crime.

Penalties include a % above the true amount owed AND time in a federal prison. They DO consider claiming that you were not a dependent when you AND claiming a child you did not support for 6 months or more are EACH crimes. They are not one crime, each is a separate crime.

So no matter what she does, if you do your taxes properly you will claim Nichole. I can see sharing the savings with her, esp because it will not make much diff in her return but will make a difference in YOURS. She will likely still be eligible for most of her taxes to be refunded.

When my parents took Wiz to live with them they asked if they could claim him. We had lived with them until April 1 and he went to live with them at the end of Sept, so legally we couldn't claim him. In our case it was close enough that we maybe could have contested it, but it made a HUGE difference to them, so of course we didn't.

Since then they FINALLY have stopped asking. They will not take child support in any amount from us. They say we should not have to support a child who was terrorizing us. Each year I have explained that we CANNOT claim him as a dependent because he does not live with us.

With parents who are divorced the courts can sometimes declare which parent claims the child. If the child is getting full child support from the non-custodial parent, or they have equal shared parenting, then it can take a court order to decide this. Otherwise the parents work it out somehow.

Anyway, I hope you get some rest. I am glad you are going to Nichole's nephrology appointment. I hope and pray that the doctor goes ahead and runs the tests. If not, you need to figure out how to get to a non-local hospital ER and get those tests done. Ask easy child which hospital she recommends that you go to the ER at. She should know which ones are good.

Either way, sending a hug.

 

[MyFriendKita]

Tax law is that if a person was supported by you and lived in your home for six months plus 1 day then you can claim them as your dependent.

No, it is not. There is a lot more to it than that, and you are doing the poster and anyone else who follows your advice a great disservice by stating the above as fact. It simply is not true.

 

[DammitJanet]

there is a lovely little site you can go to and find out the regulations about the federal tax law. irs.gov Or you can pick up the 90+ page booklet.

I believe they also have a toll free number.