I'm antsy about difficult child's court tomorrow

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Aug 18, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Along with my typical concern about getting ripped to shreads and humiliated again in front of my son and complete strangers, etc, I got a letter from difficult child yesterday. It says that he did let people put cigs out on his body in three different places/times..but he was high at the time. (Does that make it better in his mind??) He apologizes for hurting me physically (he actually didn't hurt me but of course, did scare me), and emotionally. He says none of this is my fault and that he thinks maybe I've been right- maybe it is an issue about him not knowing anymore how to get thru a day without peers around.

    He also says he's not able to cry anymore, something he brought up before, too. But says he does get sad then it turns to agitation and he doesn't know how to get thru it so he gets up and ends up doing something to make matters worse for himself. He said he thinks something is wrong with him but he doesn't know how to fix it. He knows I have told him that if he really means this stuff, he needs to tell a therapist.

    He was allowed to call last night and all I could do was cry thinking about his life going down the tubes. I know that's a bad thing, even though I did not say they words to him. I told him when he gets to Department of Juvenile Justice processing he will probably get another MH evaluation and he should be honest this time, no matter how hard it is.

    He also said that neither his def attny or GAL had come to talk to him and that did tic me off because the GAL assured me last week that he would go see difficult child withing a few days and he knew difficult child had asked to see him. difficult child was allowed to call again today because he has court first thing tomorrow. He said they didn't see him today either but he needs to talk to them because he is thinking about asking for a continuance. WHAT??

    Ok, he has reason to ask for this if the attnys have not even talked to him. But first of all, it sounded like this is why he'd been wanting to talk to them so it makes me wonder what he wants them to shoot for. And, if he ultimately gets sentenced to state Department of Juvenile Justice again, this time in detention while awaiting court and continuing the case does not count toward his time. I go see him in a few mins because I promised him I would see him before the trial tomorrow. It will be interesting to find out what his plan is. Let's hope it's not DSS. I don't know what to make of his letter, much less him forming a plan for court at all.

    Oh..I just remembered a comment he made when I saw him before, shortly after getting arrested this last time: He said he is better off incarcerated because he can experiement around with the same things and do what he wants to in there and not get in trouble for it. ITRW, he gets in trouble for it. The only thing he can't do in there is have sex with a girl.
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2010
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, K. HUGS!!!!!
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm back. According to difficult child, which may or may not be the whole truth, he was afraid this GAL would call in DSS like the previous one did to try to keep him from going to Department of Juvenile Justice and he said that is what he would have asked a continuance over. But he said the GAL saw him right after difficult child called me this afternoon. He told the GAL that he did not want to go to my bro but was scared he might get sent there after Department of Juvenile Justice because (drum roll please) I am in dire straits financially and about to lose our home and might be living in a homeless shelter. Oh yeah, just what I want a GAL to know nthe day before court. So, of course, the GAL tells difficult child that if I don't have a home for him when he's released from Department of Juvenile Justice then dss will have to get involved. Well, I am not so worried about having a home a year or so from now and then other things will be on the table. But in difficult child's infinite wisdom, he had to make this an issue today. So now I don't know what all will be brought up in court tomorrow. PO knows all this but was not going to bring it up because he thought it was irrelevant to difficult child's PO violations. PO knows that if difficult child hadn't violated parole and had done what he was supposed to, we could have gotten other types of assistance if things had still gotten to this point. It makes me wonder if difficult child really knew it would stir up koi and just wants me to think he didn't intend to.

    Then, he said again that he doesn't care if he's incarcerated or not. He doesn't like it but there are too many stressors ITRW dealing with PO, me, his own issues, etc, and having to get up and do stuff every day. He said he could get anything he wants incarcerated and not get busted for it. Great. He apologized again and said he knew this all hurt me but it's just how he felt. Any way I can report that to someone who actually cares and will do something about it?

    All I know is that I've never heard of a kid spending all their teen years in juvie or Department of Juvenile Justice and then being able to adjust and live normally ITRW as an adult.
  4. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Good luck klmno -- I'm a veteran of the court system with gfg17. It was infuriating. The rage I felt at the ignorance of the court system regarding mental health issues was very debilitating. It took away a lot of energy I needed just to deal with the situation of 17's mental illness in general. It was truly surreal at times.

    I hope it works out well tomorrow. It's tough that he thinks he wants to remain in juvie so he won't have to do anything, and that he blabbed about your housing situation. I think his timing is definitely suspect. Can you bring this up at trial? It sounds like he is aware of whatever is bothering him (mentally) but is using prison to numb out. I know you know all this already -- I feel your frustration though. Especially when he wrote you the letter showing that he does have insight into his problem. How old is he? Sorry I don't know you and your difficult child very well but i can relate to your experience.

    Hugs -- get some rest and let us know how it goes please, I'll be thinking of you.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm so sorry, K.

    difficult child 1 talked in a similar fashion at that age, and it was infuriating. Had all the answers and ways to get/do what he wanted despite my best efforts. I just thank the powers that be that he got to the military without legal intervention....he'd have been your son, straight up.

    Tomorrow will be a big day for us both. I'll be thinking of you.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you, Ladies. Barneysmom- my son is 15yo and was incarcerated in juvie prison 2 weeks after turning 14yo until this past spring when he was let out on parole. This was inspite of two psychiatrists saying he needed psychiatric rtcf and that sending him to state Department of Juvenile Justice would probably be psychologically damaging to him. His idiot GAL and def attny didn't advocate for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). My son continuously broke parole requirements since being releases this past spring so now will most likely be sent back for a longer period of time. It is absolutley killing me.

    Serenity Prayer...Serenity Prayer....Serenity Prayer....

    If I have a chance to say anything in court tomorrow, which is unlikely unless it is only to answer specific questions while under oath, I will tell the judge and everyone in that court what difficult child has told me, after I apologize to difficult child for betraying his confidence. And that is that he is more comfortable incarcerated than ITRW because he can do whatever he wants to, including drugs, and not get into bigger trouble while in there but he can't get by with it ITRW and doesn't feel stressors like ITRW. Those stressors are primarily natural consequences.

    Will this help difficult child? No, but these people in the courtroom need to wake up and start getting a clue. When the kids grow up and are facing big boy prison time, those judges seem to think that the kid had all these efforts made by others to rehabilitate them as a juvenile. It isn't really that way.

    My son is under the impression that he can easily live in state Department of Juvenile Justice until he's 18yo if he had to, then get out and not get into trouble for what he wants to do because he can work to get money instead of stealing from me, hang out with friends all night long because that's legal at 18yo, and not get caught if he wants to party. This is my honor roll kid who swore he wanted to go to college. My kid can take any typical teen issue and turn it into a farfetched major ordeal, it seems.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, your kid is half way correct. Many kids actually like that structure in Department of Juvenile Justice and do well in there. Once he comes out, he can go work at Mcdonalds and flip hamburgers, go to night school to get a community college degree and party the rest of the time. Many kids do it.

    If that is what he wants to do, the ball is in his court.
  8. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    It's all fun and games until the debts he owes for the *fun* he is having come due. The "interest rate" is very steep. "Junior" jail or not your difficult child is in for a rude awakening.

    Don't put money on his account if he is using on the inside. The jail provides meals, shampoo, t.p. and everything he NEEDS. The rest is WANTS and can be used to pay for drugs. The natural albeit harsh consequences for unpaid debts will be extremely harsh but in big boy jail it goes from pain in payment to your life for payment.

    Thinking jail is a party zone is a dangerous idea because graduating to the next step is not nearly as appealing but by then it is too late. Charges as an adult never fade away and then you can also kiss off most jobs because not many places worth working at hire adult felons.

    Structure is nice and I can see why it is easier for your difficult child to behave when it is in a controlled environment. I just wonder how he can seem semi apologetic to you and realize he wants help but then flip flop into "I'll do what I want" anyway. So, is he sorry and wanting to get better or not? Is he yanking your chain, again? I hear a little bit of lip service between his lines.

    I vote for the serenity prayer!
  9. Dharmamama

    Dharmamama Guest

    Oh, sweetie, I am literally in tears right now for your situation (been crying a lot lately anyway, but still). It sounds like we're raising the same kiddo and the frustration tied to feeling so helpless to affect any change for him can be maddening. The fact is, he doesn't see his perspective as the craziness it is and is completely closed to making thinking changes so you're stuck watching the train- wreck coming on.

    I've heard that sometimes these children turn around and I've known functional adults who share the same thinking (they hook up with a care-giving co-dependent who keeps them out of trouble) so perhaps this stuff will become just a memory of a difficult time in your life that you walked through with grace and stubborn love.

    You have my complete empathy and support! Hang in there.