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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 309624" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>A spectrum diagnosis not only needn't be the end of the world, but it can be the best thing, under the circumstances. </p><p></p><p>What we found - once we knew what we were dealing with, we had a much better idea of what to do.</p><p></p><p>We had made a lot of mistakes with difficult child 1, and a lot early on with difficult child 3, because we were worknig on the assumption that he was able to change his behaviour, that somehow he was continuing to behave badly because he chose to.</p><p></p><p>Now I look back - I understand how crazy that makes me, to beelive that for so long.</p><p></p><p>But once we knew we were dealing with autism, it opened our eyes and made it possible for us to see that the problem here was a child already donig his best (and more) to fit in, but hampered by a world that didn't make sense or seem to have any innate rules.</p><p></p><p>A kid on the spectrum will try to fit in, but may get to a point where it's just too difficult to keep trying. Often this happens when they're more tired, or not well. End of the day is often bad. A day full of new things can also be bad. Too much distraction, too much noise or sensory input can also throw a spanner in the works.</p><p></p><p>We began by using the child himself as our starting point. This is who he is. This is how he is. Let's try to feel what he feels, think like he thinks, and work from there. Examine his world through his eyes, ears and other senses. How should he respond?</p><p></p><p>Now think again - what do I want him to do? And given how he thinks/feels, how can I use this knowledge to lead him from his comfort zone, into a place where he can learn to do what we want him to?</p><p></p><p>It's a long journey, but there are joys in it for all of you. There are gifts that are an integral part of autism - they are generally intensely loyal. Also loving, which is a surprise to people with the older view of autism (the "cold" child, the emotional cripple). These facets were simply not recognised in the past because in autism, the child often shows these emotions iin ways WE don't always recognise. </p><p></p><p>Autism is a communication disorder and a social disorder. People often consider the withdrawn child to be typical. But an autistic child CAN be outgoing and want to socialise. They're just not good at it because they don't have that "social sense" that everyone else has, that method of learning appropriate social interaction by osmosis. There can be other factors interfering, such as phobias, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), sensory issues. Example - difficult child 1 loved being held and hugged. He would climb into your lap for a cuddle and stay there. difficult child 3 would only hug if you asked for a hug and then only for a fleeting second. He will only allow physical contact on HIS terms. easy child 2/difficult child 2 would want to hug and cuddle all the time, she would never stop to check if it was a good time. I might be rushing around the kitchen making diner, stirring one pot while chopping vegetables to put in another, and she would grab me for a cuddle (and not let go for long minutes). I had to push her away or dinner would burn, then she would cry that I didn't love her. easy child was like difficult child 3 - as an infant she would only allow herself to be held while she was being fed. When SHE decided she had had enough (or when the distractions around her were greater than her ongoing need for feeding) she would push away and try to get me to put her down on the floor so she could play.</p><p></p><p>Every kid is different. There are therapies available but in our case we have had very little access to formal help. We live too far away from the main Sydney centre for autism assistance, plus what there IS available in our area is in too great a demand. So we had to work a lot of stuff out for ourselves.</p><p></p><p>There are two important things you need to do - </p><p></p><p>1) Keep him happy, give him what he wants. To a point.</p><p></p><p>2) Keep him off balance, as much as he can stand it.</p><p></p><p>A third thing - keep him stimulated, academically especially. Use the same two rules above - give him what he wants academically, but also give him (in small doses) what he tends to avoid, in order to help him adapt to it.</p><p></p><p>You need to keep him broadening his horizons. </p><p></p><p>Of course there is professional help if you can get it, and there will be times you will value it greatly. Some things are better if you can get professional helop, but the vast majority, you actually can do yourself and see him flourish.</p><p></p><p>"Explosive Child" rules will help you a great deal, because they allow the child to set the pace and with autistic kids, this is often very important. The world is a very chaotic place to them so they have an urgent need to feel they can direct their environment as much as possible; it needs to follow the rules they understand. This means they need to understand exactly what is going to happen and why. Instructions need to be clear and unambiguous. HUmour is OK but you need an agreed signal to help him understand that there IS a joke (puns are the first favourites). Teaching him to look for a smile to indicate a joke is being told/has been told is a good start. Learning yourself to smile when you are joking with him is another.</p><p></p><p>Do not use sarcasm or allow sarcasm to be used around him, juntil you feel he is sufficiently socially capable to understand it. Ignore the calendar and "you should be able to do it at your age." I actually had this as an issue a few days ago - husband, difficult child 3 & I went on a train trip to the Southern Highlands where it was very cold. The Sydney forecast was gonig to be a lot colder tan usual anyway; Southern Highlands perhaps ten degrees colder still. husband told difficult child 3, "make sure you're warm enough, put on another layer."</p><p>Unfortunately, that was not suficciently specific. difficult child 3 didn't understand just how much colder it was gonig to be, so he pulled on his usual sweater over his t-shirt and thought it would be enough. It wasn't.</p><p>Later that night after we got home, difficult child 3 was saying to his aunt, "I was really cold. I didn't know it was going to be so cold there."</p><p>husband said, "I did tell you to dress warmly."</p><p>I said, "Ah - that explains it. You weren't specific enough in your instructions. You perhaps should have warned him of the expected temperature."</p><p>Aunt said, "He shouldn't need you to tell him this at his age," and turnedto difficult child 3 and told him it was his own fault for not doing what his father said. </p><p>Fortunately difficult child 3 is sufficiently socially capable, to not react to this. husband knew what I meant, there was no need for me to argue with anybody because if I had tried to explain, it would have looked like me trying to blame husband when I also should have remembered to warn difficult child 3 that it was expected to be 11 C in the Highlands (plus windy and wet) and not the sunny 25 C we had been used to.</p><p></p><p>THis is the sort of ambifuity you will have to learn to battle. Family and familair adults do learn to avoid ambiguity and support the child. Less familiar people wandering through your lives will get it wrong and you will be left to pivk up the pieces.</p><p></p><p>As the child gets older he will adapt to handle more and more challenges. Each exposure (like ours the other day) is a possible teaching tool - I can remind difficult child 3 to himself check the weather forecast, or ask us specifically about the forecast, in order to take some personal responsibilty for his own comfort and safety.</p><p></p><p>I can't give you anything more exact, because your child is your child and not mine. You know him best. He knows himself best of all. Work with him as a team to help him learn to adapt to normal society. He will always feel he is different, but different is not always a bad thing. My boys kow they are different but value the qualities autism has given them. The ability to concentrate in fine detail for much longer and deeper than other people - they love this capability, it helps them excel at what they are interested in. They love the people who love them. They may be a bit hamfited about showing it, however!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 309624, member: 1991"] A spectrum diagnosis not only needn't be the end of the world, but it can be the best thing, under the circumstances. What we found - once we knew what we were dealing with, we had a much better idea of what to do. We had made a lot of mistakes with difficult child 1, and a lot early on with difficult child 3, because we were worknig on the assumption that he was able to change his behaviour, that somehow he was continuing to behave badly because he chose to. Now I look back - I understand how crazy that makes me, to beelive that for so long. But once we knew we were dealing with autism, it opened our eyes and made it possible for us to see that the problem here was a child already donig his best (and more) to fit in, but hampered by a world that didn't make sense or seem to have any innate rules. A kid on the spectrum will try to fit in, but may get to a point where it's just too difficult to keep trying. Often this happens when they're more tired, or not well. End of the day is often bad. A day full of new things can also be bad. Too much distraction, too much noise or sensory input can also throw a spanner in the works. We began by using the child himself as our starting point. This is who he is. This is how he is. Let's try to feel what he feels, think like he thinks, and work from there. Examine his world through his eyes, ears and other senses. How should he respond? Now think again - what do I want him to do? And given how he thinks/feels, how can I use this knowledge to lead him from his comfort zone, into a place where he can learn to do what we want him to? It's a long journey, but there are joys in it for all of you. There are gifts that are an integral part of autism - they are generally intensely loyal. Also loving, which is a surprise to people with the older view of autism (the "cold" child, the emotional cripple). These facets were simply not recognised in the past because in autism, the child often shows these emotions iin ways WE don't always recognise. Autism is a communication disorder and a social disorder. People often consider the withdrawn child to be typical. But an autistic child CAN be outgoing and want to socialise. They're just not good at it because they don't have that "social sense" that everyone else has, that method of learning appropriate social interaction by osmosis. There can be other factors interfering, such as phobias, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), sensory issues. Example - difficult child 1 loved being held and hugged. He would climb into your lap for a cuddle and stay there. difficult child 3 would only hug if you asked for a hug and then only for a fleeting second. He will only allow physical contact on HIS terms. easy child 2/difficult child 2 would want to hug and cuddle all the time, she would never stop to check if it was a good time. I might be rushing around the kitchen making diner, stirring one pot while chopping vegetables to put in another, and she would grab me for a cuddle (and not let go for long minutes). I had to push her away or dinner would burn, then she would cry that I didn't love her. easy child was like difficult child 3 - as an infant she would only allow herself to be held while she was being fed. When SHE decided she had had enough (or when the distractions around her were greater than her ongoing need for feeding) she would push away and try to get me to put her down on the floor so she could play. Every kid is different. There are therapies available but in our case we have had very little access to formal help. We live too far away from the main Sydney centre for autism assistance, plus what there IS available in our area is in too great a demand. So we had to work a lot of stuff out for ourselves. There are two important things you need to do - 1) Keep him happy, give him what he wants. To a point. 2) Keep him off balance, as much as he can stand it. A third thing - keep him stimulated, academically especially. Use the same two rules above - give him what he wants academically, but also give him (in small doses) what he tends to avoid, in order to help him adapt to it. You need to keep him broadening his horizons. Of course there is professional help if you can get it, and there will be times you will value it greatly. Some things are better if you can get professional helop, but the vast majority, you actually can do yourself and see him flourish. "Explosive Child" rules will help you a great deal, because they allow the child to set the pace and with autistic kids, this is often very important. The world is a very chaotic place to them so they have an urgent need to feel they can direct their environment as much as possible; it needs to follow the rules they understand. This means they need to understand exactly what is going to happen and why. Instructions need to be clear and unambiguous. HUmour is OK but you need an agreed signal to help him understand that there IS a joke (puns are the first favourites). Teaching him to look for a smile to indicate a joke is being told/has been told is a good start. Learning yourself to smile when you are joking with him is another. Do not use sarcasm or allow sarcasm to be used around him, juntil you feel he is sufficiently socially capable to understand it. Ignore the calendar and "you should be able to do it at your age." I actually had this as an issue a few days ago - husband, difficult child 3 & I went on a train trip to the Southern Highlands where it was very cold. The Sydney forecast was gonig to be a lot colder tan usual anyway; Southern Highlands perhaps ten degrees colder still. husband told difficult child 3, "make sure you're warm enough, put on another layer." Unfortunately, that was not suficciently specific. difficult child 3 didn't understand just how much colder it was gonig to be, so he pulled on his usual sweater over his t-shirt and thought it would be enough. It wasn't. Later that night after we got home, difficult child 3 was saying to his aunt, "I was really cold. I didn't know it was going to be so cold there." husband said, "I did tell you to dress warmly." I said, "Ah - that explains it. You weren't specific enough in your instructions. You perhaps should have warned him of the expected temperature." Aunt said, "He shouldn't need you to tell him this at his age," and turnedto difficult child 3 and told him it was his own fault for not doing what his father said. Fortunately difficult child 3 is sufficiently socially capable, to not react to this. husband knew what I meant, there was no need for me to argue with anybody because if I had tried to explain, it would have looked like me trying to blame husband when I also should have remembered to warn difficult child 3 that it was expected to be 11 C in the Highlands (plus windy and wet) and not the sunny 25 C we had been used to. THis is the sort of ambifuity you will have to learn to battle. Family and familair adults do learn to avoid ambiguity and support the child. Less familiar people wandering through your lives will get it wrong and you will be left to pivk up the pieces. As the child gets older he will adapt to handle more and more challenges. Each exposure (like ours the other day) is a possible teaching tool - I can remind difficult child 3 to himself check the weather forecast, or ask us specifically about the forecast, in order to take some personal responsibilty for his own comfort and safety. I can't give you anything more exact, because your child is your child and not mine. You know him best. He knows himself best of all. Work with him as a team to help him learn to adapt to normal society. He will always feel he is different, but different is not always a bad thing. My boys kow they are different but value the qualities autism has given them. The ability to concentrate in fine detail for much longer and deeper than other people - they love this capability, it helps them excel at what they are interested in. They love the people who love them. They may be a bit hamfited about showing it, however! Marg [/QUOTE]
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