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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 694208" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Copa, a few thoughts about your questions in your post.</p><p></p><p>First, I absolutely believe you have the right to make the rules in your home, period. Your home = your sanctuary = your rules.</p><p></p><p>I also agree it's hard to have our grown kids in our homes...really hard.</p><p></p><p>I know you have said your son has trouble with realizing how he comes across to others. As a mom, I think it's good, with his permission, for you to give him feedback about his behavior. I would say whatever it is...one time. Then no more. Saying the same "truths" over and over again is trying to control him. I learned that in Al-Anon and I believe it is true.</p><p></p><p>He knows, and if he keeps doing it, he's doing it with full knowledge.</p><p></p><p>I don't think you can/should prevent him from leaving if that's what he wants and needs to do, for a week or whatever. But...like you said...your rules when he gets back, for re-entry. Let him know clearly ahead of time what those are, if you haven't already, so there are no misunderstandings. </p><p></p><p>I think it's interesting that he needs a "week in the woods" to get prepared for whatever, but these young people are a work in progress so if he does, he does. Let it go and let him deal with the consequences.</p><p></p><p>It does sound like there was a bit of a pity party going on, not to say he doesn't actually think those things, but telling his momma (my son does that too) is contrived by our DCs to get our empathy and reaction. Today, when my son starts that stuff, it really turns me off, and I give it very short attention. I acknowledge he said whatever he said, but I work hard not to react and start saying oh, yes you are so great, or whatever. </p><p></p><p>I also, without prompting, tell him at times that I am really proud of him and that I think he is showing great persistence, or maturity or whatever, related to something specific he did. </p><p></p><p>I would rather give that type of feedback unsolicited than react to some type of poor poor pitiful me stuff. </p><p></p><p>I just cut it off very quickly now, and I used to wax on and on and on. </p><p></p><p>But...having said all of that...I still see tremendous progress in where your son is today. Is it all "pretty and perfect"? Heck no. But it's true and measurable progress. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 694208, member: 17542"] Copa, a few thoughts about your questions in your post. First, I absolutely believe you have the right to make the rules in your home, period. Your home = your sanctuary = your rules. I also agree it's hard to have our grown kids in our homes...really hard. I know you have said your son has trouble with realizing how he comes across to others. As a mom, I think it's good, with his permission, for you to give him feedback about his behavior. I would say whatever it is...one time. Then no more. Saying the same "truths" over and over again is trying to control him. I learned that in Al-Anon and I believe it is true. He knows, and if he keeps doing it, he's doing it with full knowledge. I don't think you can/should prevent him from leaving if that's what he wants and needs to do, for a week or whatever. But...like you said...your rules when he gets back, for re-entry. Let him know clearly ahead of time what those are, if you haven't already, so there are no misunderstandings. I think it's interesting that he needs a "week in the woods" to get prepared for whatever, but these young people are a work in progress so if he does, he does. Let it go and let him deal with the consequences. It does sound like there was a bit of a pity party going on, not to say he doesn't actually think those things, but telling his momma (my son does that too) is contrived by our DCs to get our empathy and reaction. Today, when my son starts that stuff, it really turns me off, and I give it very short attention. I acknowledge he said whatever he said, but I work hard not to react and start saying oh, yes you are so great, or whatever. I also, without prompting, tell him at times that I am really proud of him and that I think he is showing great persistence, or maturity or whatever, related to something specific he did. I would rather give that type of feedback unsolicited than react to some type of poor poor pitiful me stuff. I just cut it off very quickly now, and I used to wax on and on and on. But...having said all of that...I still see tremendous progress in where your son is today. Is it all "pretty and perfect"? Heck no. But it's true and measurable progress. Hang in there... [/QUOTE]
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