I'm done searching for N's birthparents. Wow.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Feb 2, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I got in touch with her aunt and grandma on her father's side. They acted really excited about reconnecting with her. She even wrote to them. She was NOT consumed with it, thank god, but I'm still upset.

    Now they want her to have contact with her birthfather. He is in jail. He has been in jail for years for drugs and the stuff that drugs make you do. He has done armed robbery once. He has stolen a vehicle. He has gotten into altercations, but most of it is drug related. He is a serious addict.

    I didn't realize it, but aunt, my go-to person, wanted my daughter to reconnect with her "Father." I don't think so. Meanwhile on the birthmother side...

    I found her birthmother. She had been in the picture for a few years and it was supposed to be an open adoption. When she was dating an African-American man (really neat guy) she was involved with our daughter. She even promised daughter could be in their wedding as the flower girl. Then they split up and she never called us. And she married the father of her son, who she did not give up for adoption. She is still married to him. My sister called birthmothers house for me on my daughter's behalf about a month ago. Her hub answered, but she wouldnt' come to the phone once she heard what it was about. Sister said she could hear her in the background going, "No, no. Say no." Later, I got an e-mail from her hub that said she knew how to contact me.

    She never did and daughter really wants to meet her again. I can't tell her that her birthmother wouldn't come to the phone and hasn't contacted me. I can't even tell her we know where she is because then she may want to write or call. Good god, I keep getting told by birthparents how much they want to see their children that they gave up for adoption. Well, apparently NOT ALWAYS. And if the aunt and grandmother don't want to see her unless she sees her felon father, how much do they care about her? They're putting him first.

    I'm so done with doing this. My daughter can do it when she's older and I'll help her, but *I'm* not ready for the emotional roller coaster so I'm sure a twelve year old couldn't deal with this. Right now, color me stunned :sick: My daughter is a great kid. She got some good genes...SOMEWHERE!
     
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    MWM, My easy child 2 was about your daughter's age when he started obsessing over his birth parents. His was a closed adoption unlike your daughter's open adoption but maybe my experience will help you anyway. easy child 2 kept asking me and fantacising over what his life would be like if they hadn't given him up. He is disabled and those middle school years were very hard on him. He was very small and the kids picked on him. He was in a pull out program and so he was always having to leave the classroom for his Special Education instruction which put more focus on him. He was not athletic and that is what boys that age areall about, He just didn't feel like he fit in and I think he thought that it was because he was adopted.

    After much hounding from him, I finaly told him that it was a closed adoption and that I did have some information that might help him find his birth parents but that by law I was not allowed to give it to him until his 18th birthday. I then told him that he looked alot like his birth father. He said "really?" and got a very thoughtful face but said nothing more. Interestingly that bit of information seemed to be enough.

    On his 18th birthday I asked him if he wanted the information on his birth parents and he said: " NO, you are my mom and Dad is my dad and I have a family that loves me. That is all I need." I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I then told him that if he changed his mind that I would tell him what I know. After the conversation I went to my room and I cried. So many mixed up emotions flooded into my mind.

    Let it rest for a while and tell your daughter that she can look when she is of age and that you will point her in the initial direction. -RM
     
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    You are an amazing mom and the love you have for your kids is a strong and solid and provides a foundation for them to flourish. I think leaving the search for now is wise. You have the information and she can decide when she's a few years older. Hopefully by then she will *want* to meet them more then feeling she *needs* to. ML
     
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    In this day and age it's hard enough just being twelve years old, let alone finding out about a "not so great" birth family....... I would think she needs to wait until she is 18 and then she may be better prepared to deal with it.......
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think you're wise to wait. Reconnecting with birth parents can be overwhleming enough even when it goes well and it's what everyone wants, it can be a nitemare when you're dealing with mixed bags of emotions and such.

    Hugs
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm definitely going to wait. It was hard enough for ME, let alone her. Even at 18 it will be difficult, but she's pretty strong. I think she can deal with it. Thanks again, guys.
     
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If she's getting really insistent about wanting to meet bio-mom and is beginning to think you're the block, you need to tell her that it's bio-mom who is the aticknig point. You can do it without making it judgemental by saying, "She's not emotionally ready at the moment, she has our contact details and will be in touch when she feels she can do it."

    It's better than "she doesn't want to talk to you" because it throws the problem back on bio-mom and whatever she is gonig through, and makes it clear that N is not the deterrent. There can be so many reasons for a woman who previously wanted contact, to want to keep achiuld at arm's length. I can't think of any of those reasons being due to "I don't like that child" but many that revolve around "I don't like myself and I need to believe my child is in a better place right now."

    The main concern here is N and how she feels about herself.

    Marg
     
  8. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I think what matters most is that she's got YOU for her mom, a mom who would go to the ends of the earth to protect her! :D You rock, and you'll always be her rock, because that's just how you are. She's a lucky girl, she is.
     
  9. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry things turned out this way. I think you are right about her not being mature enough to handle the disappointment of being rejected by bio mom. 12 is a tough age. It wouldn't be fair to her. Maybe when she is older she will be better equipped for the worst case scenario. In any event, she is so lucky to have you, you are a great mom!!! And lucky to have gotten some really good genes - somewhere!!! :)
     
  10. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    There is plenty of time to have some type of moment later. Just drop the subject and be there for your daughter to talk about her thoughts and feelings. She may continue to insist that she wants to meet them, or whatever, and mostly she is just needing to talk about them in some context. If you can help her to express her thinking to you about the topic of having bioparents without you doing anything about it. As a parent it is hard to converse about something when our inclination and an enormous amount of our time is about giving and service to our children. Even when they are doing the work and being co-operative or otherwords we tend to be serving their process of learning.
    Some of the most reveling conversations I have had with my son were around things and people he cares about and I couldn't make that happen. It was something that we have done around both those things all his life.Find a way to have that conversation without the goal to do the meeting being the focus. What does it feel like to her that she has those relations that she has not met or seen for so long. What does she imagin will happen?
    One such conversation I learned what my son thought would happen and it was this sweet reflection of his vision of care where he really thought that others in his family would consider his hearts desires like I do. When the reason we never do see them is because the reality is nothing NOTHING like he would wish.
    For me it is easy to let him feel mad at me because he thinks I am the hold up.I hope one day he has the heart to do the same thing to protect the heart of my grandchild or greatgradchild or somebody elses . The protection we give our children in childhood is also a skill. Maybe you have to tell her a little something that is true and exsplains the wait and even lets her know the bioparents are happy she is doing well or that that is what they want more than anything.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your thoughtful post, Ropie. You always try to be kind and helpful. Appreciated.
     
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    A few years back I contacted difficult child's bm through the agency because difficult child had a court date and we felt there was a good chance that she was going to go to detention. I was hoping bm could write difficult child a letter and encourage her to straighten out her life. Bm admitted that she did the same things as difficult child was doing and more and that she would be happy/thrilled to write difficult child a letter. She promised to write it that day, it never happened. Not only did we not get the letter but she never contacted to agency to find out what happened with difficult child's court appearance. I called them several times to make sure that they didn't have a letter in the file that they didn't forward...nothing.

    I don't understand why bm or boyfriend would act so excited about contact and then disappoint once again. And certainly they didn't have your difficult child's best interests at heart if they insisted she visit boyfriend in jail.

    Nancy
     
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    It's the whole nature/nurture thing. Good genes or not, your daughter has had a positive role model in you, and it counts for a whole lot. She is an honorable child because you love her and she knows that.
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I'd LOVE to take the credit, but I think all of us are good role models. N. is lucky that her b-mom is actually a decent, caring person and her b-father has some good folks in his family. That's all I can come up with. She has a strong moral compas and is very resilient. SOMEBODY in the genepool contributed that :)
     
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