Im falling into my same routine.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Mar 29, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    It is the same cycle every time this happens!! I let it build and build and then when I go off I blurt out everything in me that has been festering!! I got angry and texted my daughters boyfriend and told him I was sick of the way my grandson was being treated and if it didnt change I was going to call CPS. And he tore into me telling me that it is all my fault that my daughter is the way she is, because I am never there for her and all she ever wanted was my love and acceptance!! Called me several nasty names and told me to f off!!!
    So instead of being strong, today I am sick on my stomach, have a headache, and depressed. I always go in strong but then my brain starts playing with me....maybe I did mess up raising her, maybe her real dad and her stepdad abandoning her caused her to be this way. Maybe if I wouldnt have gotten remarried she would have been different, I dont know how to turn my thoughts off and it is really making me physically sick! I work with two girls that have tons of drama too, but they handle it way better than I do. They are so strong and self confident! I wish I could get to be like that but everything makes me just wana crawl in a hole!! I know very well how pathetic I sound ! I dont know why I just cant get it!!! I have been like this my whole life, I have been to counselors listened to motivational cd's read books write on here....It all makes sense at the time but I can't seem to crawl out of my low self esteem pit!! I never think I am good enough in any situation. That's why it is sooo easy to fall into the......its all your fault trap!! I don;t know...I just don't know anymore!! Now I know I won't be able to see my grandson for a good while and that makes me sad. I need to keep my mouth shut, but I get so aggravated listening to my daughter rant and telling me I am an awful person for not letting her move in with me and I should want to protect her from this abusive boyfriend ! It just makes me a nervous wreck!!! I know detach detach detach......It is sooooooooooooooooo hard!!!!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Put your phone on vibrate and keep it in a drawer. Use it only when YOU want or need to make a call. Dont engage your daughter or son in law at all. The key is to stop communicating. It hurts you more than them.
    If you feel like engaging either post here first.
    You have to change before your life will change but im sure your therapists already told you this.
    In the end, you need to want the situation to change enough to do it just like your daughter wont change unless she is unhappy enough to admit she has a problem. It will not be easy to change your tendancy to react, but if you want to stop hearing the mean lies and contributing to the can and if it means enough to you, you will. There is always tomorrow.
    I was a reactive person too and still want to react in tense situations. I have to remind myself how horribly that always turned out, especially for me.
    Food for thought. Do think of yourself first. You deserve a good life. Youve done your time.
    Your daughter doesnt want to leave her husband. There are womans shelters she can go to. She is too old to need a mommy. She can take care of herself. Dont even listen to her guilt trip.
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    Last edited: Mar 29, 2016
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Soooo tired, I am sorry that you had this altercation with your daughter's boyfriend. I think many times we think talking and telling is going to change things. 99% of the time it does not.

    In reading your post, it comes down to this, what you wrote. Let me tell you: You are absolutely no match for any kind of mental illness. I'm no match for it. Nobody is, even the professionals. It is impossible to deal with someone or multiple someones in a logical manner when they are not logical in their thinking and their behavior. We keep trying, but it never, ever works.

    So, what to do? If you need to call CPS about your grandson, and only you know the specifics of that, then call them. Stop the talk about it. Act or don't act.

    We get caught up in the drama and the tornado ourselves, and we don't know how to stop and remove ourselves from the whirling winds. That is our first step. Like SWOT said, stop talking. Stop talking and reasoning and arguing with people who aren't logical.

    This is 100 percent true. This is not about them. This is about you. They are going to do whatever they will do, and as long as you are reacting to everything they do or don't do, you are giving them all of the power. Think about it: You are giving your own power to people who can't manage their own lives.

    That doesn't make any sense, and I understand why we do it, and we all do it or did it for a long long time until we learned how to stop.

    You have to learn new ways of thinking and behaving. Ask yourself this: How much time am I spending every single day---every day---working on me? It has to be approached like you are approaching a college course. You have to study every day. You have to go to meetings, read literature, write in a journal, go to therapy, get a sponsor, write a gratitude list, etc. You have to work a program. That is what working a program is.

    And if your daughter is ever to change, she will have to work some sort of similar program that teaches her how to do life differently.

    Them and us. It's the same thing. We are as sick as they are. We have to work hard to change, just like they have to work hard to change.

    If we don't do the work, nothing changes. Please know we so understand the hurt and fear and helplessness and guilt and shame you are feeling. I have felt every one of those emotions for long periods of time about Difficult Child. Until I finally got sick and tired enough to start doing something different every single day, even when it didn't seem to make any difference and I didn't "get it", I kept on doing it because the old ways just plain did not work.

    Start today. Make a commitment to YOU. You are worth it. You have done the best you could always, not perfectly, but your best. Now, it's time to turn your energy onto yourself and away from people you can't control and never could control anyway. Hang in there. We're here for you.
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  4. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you so much for always being there!! I really dont know what I would do without all of you! This site is my peace!!!
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    First, BIG (((HUGS))) TO YOU!!!

    None of us are perfect parents and we all have made mistakes BUT, each person on this planet gets to choose how they will live their life. My bio-father sexually abused me but I did not let that define me. Did it mess me up a little in my head, yes, but I made the choice that I was not going to be a victim. Regardless of what happens to us in life we each get to choose how we will respond and how we will live our lives.

    Here is something you might try, when you are feeling this way get a pad of paper and write 100 times, I will detach from daughters drama.

    Don't be fooled by how others appear to handle something. They may be putting on a brave face but when they are alone they just might be losing it. Don't compare yourself to them.

    You do not sound pathetic, you sound like someone who loves deeply and hurts deeply. You will get it, you really will. I and many others here have been right where you are.

    You are good enough. I want you to write on some sticky notes and put them on your mirror and other places you will see them.
    The power of positive thinking is a remarkable tool.
    My ex (d_c's bio dad) was so very cruel to me emotionally. When I would tell him I wanted out of our relationship he would tell me things like "no one else would want you" "you will never make it without me"
    When I finally did leave him I had other people tell me the opposite of what he told me. I learned about positive thinking and it really works.
    Your daughters boyfriend is just a plain mean nasty person to speak to you the way he did. He is not worthy of your time!!

    Again, write it down - "keep mouth shut when talking to daughter" keep it where you will see it. Let your daughter rant all she wants then simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way, gotta go, bye"
    Your daughter is hoping that she can make you feel so guilty that you will cave in and let her come live with you.
    Think about it this way, your daughter is telling you that you are such an awful person for not letting her move in with you, well, if you are so "awful" why is she wanting to live with you???

    ST, we cannot change others we can only change ourselves and by changing ourselves others will see us differently and they will start to change.

    My son used to try and guilt me all the time, he would dangle the bait and I would bite. When I stopped biting the bait he eventually stopped trying to guilt me into doing things for him.

    You are doing great ST, don't for one minute think you are not. Sometimes we backslide and that's ok because we get right back on track.
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  6. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thanks for your input! In my head I get it, we fight and she stays away for awhile. Last time we really got into it I didnt see her for almost a year. Then she slowly works her way back into my good graces and is nice and says all the right things....and each time I fall for it thinking this time will be different, then it is good for awhile then slowly but surely things start taking that downward spiral and here we are again !! I pray for her to get it together every day.........I hope to see that before I die !!!
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi ST,

    It takes a long time to change our behaviors/ways of dealing with things.

    And it's very difficult, and a lot of work.

    Try to change just one thing about how you deal with them.

    I am glad you are sticking with us.

    We will get through this together.

  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Soooootired. Wow, you have some wonderful responses here, I really like the idea of sticky notes and writing things down. Also, it is so true that there is no arguing with people who are not in their right minds. There is never any win to it, because they do not think they have a problem. There is no convincing them, threatening or changing them. It's like grabbing an angry cats tail.
    I know that you are worried for your grands, I agree 100% if you think CPS should be called, call.
    It is good that you are still here posting, it is a record of what you are going through. Take some time to look back on your old posts. I do see you learning and changing. You are strong ST, and you are doing this. We are doing this, one step, one day at a time.
  9. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thank you new leaf...I know if I could get my thoughts under control it would make things better. I do think I will try sticky notes and writing!!!