I'm Furious!!! Help!!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SearchingForRainbows, Jun 6, 2008.

  1. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Does anyone else have a husband who wants to look like the "good guy" in front of the kids all of the time? My husband is really getting on my nerves!!! This morning, five minutes before husband was going to drive the kids to school, he tells me that easy child wants him to pick up a disposable camera for her. He proceeded to tell me that he could pick up a cheap digital one instead that comes with a memory stick. In the long run, it would be more cost effective.

    I asked him if easy child was planning on paying for the camera herself. He said he wasn't planning on paying for it. I asked him if easy child knows this. He said he isn't sure. I'm POSITIVE husband told easy child that he would think about buying it. I KNOW he knows she wasn't planning on paying for it with her own money. (We won't let easy child use our camera because she doesn't take care of things that don't belong to her. Our camera was expensive and we don't want it trashed.)

    Normally, this wouldn't have been a big issue. However, easy child, now being a "typical teen", is totally self-centered and needs to learn that you have to "do to get." Not only that but she needs to learn how to budget her own money. She wants us to pay for her camera because she wants to spend her money on a new dress and shoes for a dance next week.

    easy child is smart and knew if she asked me for the camera, I would have told her basically what I just told all of you. So, instead of asking me, she asked husband. husband always wants to look like the "good guy" in front of the kids.

    When I told husband that I thought easy child should pay for it herself if she wanted a camera that badly, he proceeded to say how he could get one cheaply at Wal-Mart. husband wouldn't let this go. I told him things like this should be discussed privately. He began screaming at the top of his lungs that he didn't think this was such a big issue. Meanwhile, he knew easy child could hear every word. He then slammed the door as he left the house. Of course it now looks to easy child like it is because of me that husband won't pick up the camera.

    I called husband about half an hour later. I told him that I just wanted us to be on the same page and there was no need to begin the day this way. husband then went into a tirade about how he has no idea why this is a big deal. He said he was planning on getting a "house camera", meaning that any of the kids could take it when they want to use it.

    I told him he was now changing the subject. I also explained to him that, as far as I'm concerned, buying a "house camera" is a tactic he is trying to use to appease everyone and come out looking like the "good guy." He got furious!!!

    He then began screaming that while he woke up in a good mood, he is now going to have a miserable day. I calmly told him that if he chooses to have a miserable day, then it is his own choice. husband then brought up a few minor issues to deflect attention away from what we were supposed to be discussing. I pointed this out to him. I repeated that I called him just to clarify things, not to argue with him, but to talk so we would be on the same page. He hung up on me.:angry-very:

    When husband is angry, he stays angry for a very long time. He doesn't let things go. Basically, the evening is ruined before the day even has time to begin. I'm so tired of this!!!

    I honestly don't understand why he has to bring everything but the kitchen sink into every disagreement. I think he is trying to avoid talking about the disagreement, control me through raising his voice and getting more and more angry, until nothing is accomplished. Then he seems to get satisfaction out of slamming the door in my face or by hanging up on me. Is he just trying to control me???

    To me this seems like a form of verbal abuse. I know I'm really emotional at the moment, but the way I see things, he is trying to control me through his anger. Am I crazy for thinking this?

    If you've read this far, I appreciate it. I honestly appreciate all comments, even if you have something to say that you think I won't want to hear. WFEN
     
  2. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    A good defense is a strong offense.
    At some point I told husband that he wasn't entitled to get angrier than me on a topic that obviously annoyed me. LOL. It was his way of defending himself.

    I think every married couple has their own way to hammer this sort of stuff out. I try to not tell husband what to do or how to interact with his kids. The kids need different things from each parent. I'm a pretty no nonsense mom so to have dad be softer about certain things is good. On the other hand when the kids need something important they usually need mom. It balances.

    husband is a good dad even if he does things differently than me. It's how I understand my husband. His way is not the wrong way. Just different.

    I'm sure you will get different opinions from each person but I hate living in a home that's a war zone and I like husband despite our very different ways of doing things. I try to respect his way of doing things which in turn allows him to respect and appreciate my way of doing things.

    As far as the camera and husband? If he wants to spend his own money on it then as an adult he should be able to make that choice. On the other hand he has to understand what that says about the parents cohesiveness.
     
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    My H does this also. He will totally undermine me and when I call him on it, he will bring up all sorts of other incidences that are not related. And, yes, he USED to always want to look like the hero and good guy - but for the most part he's gotten over that.

    I don't know what to tell you - go to counseling? Maybe that will help. Sometimes having a third person in the room while you work out the disagreement, and learn to fight fair, helps each of you to understand where the other is coming from. When H and I were in counseling together, it helped some. But not a whole heap. The bottom line, in my opinion, is that men and women look at almost every situation differently and it is what it is. I think it's really very difficult for either one of you to make or force the other to see things from your perspective. You can certainly try, but there are no guarantees. Again, in my opinion, I really believe that your H, like mine, will simply find a new way of doing what he wants or thinks is the right way without it turning into an argument or without you being aware.

    My H will rant about me helping my easy child with gas money - the kids is working hard at college and works all weekend long at her job. She's always been a go getter and a hard worker. If she mentions that she's short on cash, if I have it, I may transfer $50 into her account for gas or groceries. H hates when I do that. BUT, whenever easy child is home for the weekend or we visit her up at school, he slips her between $100-$200 CASH without me seeing. I know he does this, and yes it bugs me because if you give easy child too much money she will blow it rather than use it sparingly...but I don't get on his case about it. Instead I just ask in pointedly, "How much money did you give easy child?" and him just knowing that I know is enough to make him squirm.

    Really, the camera issue is relatively harmless - IF everyone actually gets use of the camera and IF your easy child is appreciative and knows that it's a family camera and not solely her belonging. I think arguing about it in front of the kids is probably the wrong thing to do because it undermines YOUR authority to the children and in the end they too feel like they got one over on mom. Again, just my opinion. Everytime I have made a stink in front of the kids about something H has done or decided without my input always leaves me looking like the buffoon in the room, not H, who is, of course, the real buffoon, after all!

    If H has ruined the evening, allow him to only ruin HIS evening. Go out and do something fun with a friend, a child, or by yourself. Don't allow him to ruin your evening. Don't let him see he's under your skin. I love writing letters. Can you write him a letter without touching on the reason for the argument and mention how you don't like him dredging up old business when he knows he's in the wrong...its his defense mechanism - distracting you like that. It's wrong, but many people use it. Everytime I mention something to H, he will try and turn it around on me by bringing something from long ago up. It's like a way of easing their own guilt about causing an uprising. I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to talk about men in general today - lol - but for what it's worth, I understand where you're coming from. Be good to yourself, don't let him get you down.
     
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    He should not have screamed at you. Especially about the kids in front of the kids. I do believe that there is a lot of posturing in that. If I scream louder or if I'm bigger, blah, blah, blah. I would have turned on my heel and walked away without saying a word. Hard for them to scream when there is no one to scream at. They just end up looking stupid.

    I would let him buy the camera. And anything else he wants. Then when easy child has a serious (more serious?) case of the gimmee's that he helped create, he can deal with that, too. You keep doing what you think is best.

    I always say, if they're going to act like a child, they get treated like a child. I use the same tools on adults behaving like children as I do on children. Deflect, don't engage, natural consequences. Screaming like that, changing the subject, and hanging up on you is childish.
     
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! Nah, he's not trying to be controlling. I believe that it's right when Fran said the best offense is a good defense.

    Here's what you do: get yourself a good movie that YOU want to watch for tonight. Get snacks that YOU want to eat, drinks that YOU want to drink and enjoy the night. If he's going to stoically hold a grudge, let him. In the meantime, show him that it's no skin off your nose if he's going to act like a tool.

    As far as the camera? What's the rush on a digital? Tell easy child that you'll spring for a store-brand disposable camera, and she can pay for the developing. In the meantime, she can save for the better camera.

    A household camera will do nothing but cause trouble. Someone will lose it, fill it up, let the battery run down, not want to pay for the ink to print the pictures, drop it and consequently break it.

    Don't let the turkeys get you down (and they're ALL turkeys!)!

    Headed for husband's upper "scope" so I gotta go!

    :biting:

    Beth
     
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Gaaaah! A "house" camera?

    Riiight.
     
  7. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    "A household camera will do nothing but cause trouble. Someone will lose it, fill it up, let the battery run down, not want to pay for the ink to print the pictures, drop it and consequently break it."
    NVTS called this one correctly.....

    Your husband doesn't know how to "discuss" things. He pulls in other things and raises his voice because that's how he thinks he can "win" the discussion. Until he realizes that it isn't a matter of winning and you must make decisions together nobody wins. If you can get him to sit down and discuss this without distraction I would let him know that the family decisions should be made together. If he can't follow the rules then this is what I would do.......Any and all questions are directed to him.....Can I go over to so and so's house? Ask your dad....(dad not home? Call him, no answer? Then the answer is no). Dad will learn quickly he must give up some control and he will begin not answering his phone when kids call. Kids will complain they can't reach dad, so will get mad and complain, "Why can't you(mom) give me an answer?" So steel yourself against trying to take control and just say, "Your dad has the final say in these decisions and I won't make that decision without him." Your husband may pick up on this and start saying it himself, he won't make the decision without speaking to you. It provides a good answer for getting the other's opinion before just blurting out an answer. Not the best way to get the point across, but husband will eventually see that both of you need to be in the decision-making process. If he totally wants control of all decisions over kids he will have it. You may have to suffer through a period of stupid decisions, but in the long run he may learn the value of making decisions together. Hope you can find a solution to your combined decison making......thinking of you and your family.
     
  8. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I will be the one to say something you might not want to hear.

    I find that sometimes when I want husband and I to be on the same page, what I really want is for husband to do it my way. So to call him after he has left is viewed by him as me continuing the argument when he is at work. He hasn't changed his mind and I haven't changed mine.

    We are the proud owners of 2 "house cameras" so our kids don't have to fight over one. Purchased by husband. :smile:
     
  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    You know, that's true. BUT...that is the way the world works. You compromise. I may not agree with your position, but for the sake of appearing to be unified, I'm going to honor your thoughts. I don't think that is a bad thing.

    What annoys me is when husband goes into a tirade over something about easy child, "lays down the law," then never follows through on what he said. In the last few months, in fact yesterday, I've heard husband tell easy child he can't drive the car, has a list of chores to do that he wrote, no cell, no video games and no girlfriend until certain things were done. What is easy child doing right now? Got up, played his video game while talking on his cell, then took off in MY car and is going to see girlfriend. I don't feel like I'm the one to call him on this as I wasn't the warden who laid down the law.

    If you say something...mean it and stick to it.

    Abbey
     
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Everyone,

    I just want to thank you for all of the advice. I've read and reread each response. I'm still thinking thinking about all of your comments...

    I'm feeling much better today as I took some time away from everyone Friday evening. It's amazing how just a bit of time away from home can improve my mood!!!

    Thanks again. I'm glad I can vent here. WFEN
     
  11. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Everyone,

    I just want to thank you for all of the advice. I've read and reread each response. I'm still thinking about all of your comments...

    I'm feeling much better today as I took some time away from everyone Friday evening. It's amazing how just a bit of time away from home can improve my mood!!!

    Thanks again. I'm glad I can vent here. WFEN
     
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm coming in late to this one.

    It does sound to me like husband is being controlling by arguing loudly within earshot of easy child. It is an issue which should have been sorted quietly. However, he probably didn't expect it to be a major issue, because he probably didn't see the easy child manipulation that you did.

    However - we have two house cameras (currently functioning). husband & I get to say who can take them out of the house, but otherwise they can be grabbed and used by anyone, as long as they are put back. We have rechargeable batteries plus a charger, and the kids are supposed to put the used batteries on to charge when they change them over. It generally works for us. When we went on holidays, we took both cameras plus the batteries and charger, as well as husband's computer. Having digital cameras has saved us a lot of money in the family, because no longer are we spending money to develop photos, especially the kids' many photos, which may never get looked at again.

    But if you have a kid who doesn't value things, who is likely to be careless and cavalier about it, then I understand your concerns.

    Here is a compromise option:
    let the new digital camera be husband's camera. That way, if there is any request to use it, it is husband who must be asked. If it is damaged, it is husband who has to be told (by the person who damaged it). It is husband they have to negotiate with, to sort out any problems.

    And if there are no problems - then that is good. Maybe they are going to respect what he has bought, because they are more concerned about "keeping in good" with him. It is how kids think, unfortunately. It's OK to damage Mum's stuff because after she yells a bit, she will sort it out. But Dad is the one we snuggle up to when we want something, so we want to keep him happy with us.

    As for a kid taking Mum's car after Dad said they weren't to drive - the kid may have chosen to interpret what Dad said as "Don't drive Dad's car" and again, taken Mum for granted by taking her car.

    I wouldn't stand for that. if you don't find out until after the car has gone, you can deal with it when they get home and make it clear that you want them to give you the key, permanently, and they are not to have it again until you give permission AFTER they ask. I would also be pointing out that you would have been well within your rights to report your car as stolen, because that is technically what it was.

    If any of our kids did that to husband's car, they would be permanently banned from driving it ever again. It is a really serious thing.

    Marg
     
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