I'm having a tough time

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by TeDo, Oct 2, 2012.

  1. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I posted a little while ago about my work situation and the sexual perpetrator that is now working there too. I REALLY want to say something to the manager but I'm scared to even do that. I'm afraid they'll fire me for "causing trouble" or not speaking up sooner (like when I first saw her working there 9 years ago before she left and came back again now) and I can't afford to lose this job. I'm afraid of ramification from her (I'm waiting for a call back from a lawyer friend) if they choose to fire her. Because she's on the schedule 6 out of 7 days this week, I'm afraid to go to work and I'm scheduling my grocery shopping around her schedule. Buddy said she wishes I could "let it go" for my own peace of mind but I just can't do that either. I wish I could but what she did to my babies was sick, pathetic, unnerving, and betraying of my trust. The punishment she got because she was a minor and the fact that with the Alfred Plea so it isn't on a record anywhere was lame, disgusting, and criminal in and of itself. I HATE it that she can work and be anywhere she wants without a care in the world and I can't. It really hoovers.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I just have to hope and pray that the answer will come to me and I can get some peace back in my life. Sorry to whine.
    Lasted edited by : Oct 2, 2012
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh gosh ...such a not fair situation. What I thought I said was I can't imagine how you could let it go. What I wish for you is that it didn't cause the physical ptsd type reaction that makes you have to rearrange your life. It feels like she is revictimizing you. I think it would be impossible to let the pain and anger be forgotten. My question is if you plan to live there with it being such a small town ...what can you do to bring youraelf some peace of mind and to get thru those times you see her. I never thought you should just let it go....that is too simplistic a concept for this kind of thing. I wish she'd suddenly have to move though!
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is a complex issue, and requires work on multiple fronts.
    If you don't have your own therapist, is there any way to get one?
    You need help working through this so that you are not held hostage forever to the past.
    That doesn't solve the immediate issue, though... therapy isn't like medications where the impact can be real fast! (unfortunately)
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tedo, even though I was one who was so adamant, I think it came from something in my background. I was assaulted when I was 3/4 years old by a female babysitter and she was done pretty much the same way I believe. One day she was there at the house and the next her parents sent her to live with another relative. I know she was never prosecuted. My parents just told me to forget it ever happened and all would be well. We just wouldnt talk about it. Obviously I didnt forget it.

    I became very sexualized from that time forward. Her little brother was one of my best friends back then and I was always getting in trouble for playing doctor with him. Hmm, wonder where I learned that?
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I can only imagine how furious and justifiably wronged you must feel - I often see the person (and I use that term loosely) who first sold my difficult child drugs; I want to run him over with my car. If I had to work in the same small store with him...I just don't know how I'd do it. In your case, it's worse...your kids didn't have a choice, like my son did.
    TeDo, you need this job...it's taken you a year to get it. If things are going well at home, and your kids are behaving and doing well in school, try to keep the job. on the other hand, if the stress is just too much, I don't know if it's worth it. It would be a shame for YOU to be the one to leave, you didn't do anything - it would almost be like you're giving in, and being victimized twice.
    We can never change the past. The very, very best thing you can do is be strong for your kids, show a good example, love your kids and teach them how to keep themselves safe and strong.
    If you were already working in the store for a long time, and the owner knew your character and credibility very well, then you could easily say something - since you just started there, I understand your reluctance to rock the boat. I'm sure the perpetrator also never figured she would be working with you, either. We have to pray she gives up this job before you do. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I don't have an answer, really... Is there any way you could make it known anonymously? *shrug* I don't know what else... But vent/rant/whine away, honey, we're here.
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Could some of your friends spill the beans for you? If some customer would complain that they are not comfortable coming to the store because of the child molester working there, I think that would do a trick. I mean, if I understood correctly, you are not actually living in any big city? It would be totally plausible that some random neighbour or someone would had heard about what happened when it happen and wouldn't like their kids going to the shop there molester works.

    I understand very well, how hard time you are having. I had to work with the person, who was involved in bullying my difficult child and almost getting him drowned. And I had liked this person before, but after finding out what she did to my son, it was awful to try to be normal with her. I think I wouldn't have made it, if I wouldn't have known it was only temporary and she would be out in month.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm sorry, TeDo, my gut reaction is to say something to the right people on charge-to hell with the job, etc. Realistically, I know that is not a risk you are willing to take at this point, which I totally understand...we all have to eat and pay the bills!

    I suggest you find yourself a therapist who can help you work through these emotions you have and in the mean time, continue to do what you need to in order to avoid seeing her. Remember that this change in schedule is temporary, as you learn the skills necessary to deal with your emotions about her presence in both your workplace and small town.

    It's so awful that those horrible predators don't just go away and crawl under a rock somewhere. difficult children sexual predator is out of jail (for about a year + now) and I'm constantly seeing young men who remind me of him, who could be him, but I'd never know for sure unless I stopped and asked him face to face. It's probably never been him, but the mind plays tricks on us. I have found a place in my heart to forgive him, unbelievable as that is, however, if I ever heard he did someone to another, I'd wish him dead.

    I pray that as time moves forward you find peace. Hugs. Wish I had better advice for you.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm just sending strength and hugs. Wish I had some advice.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you are having to go through this TeDo. It may be prudent, as others have mentioned, to seek the help of a professional to help you cope and find some peace. As for the immediate issue of your job, I have no advice, it seems like a dicey situation which requires a certain amount of tact. I send you warm wishes for a solution to arise which you can live with. Gentle hugs..........
  11. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Thanks Buddy for clarifying that. That's what I was trying to say but I was tired and having some anxiety and was trying to simplify it. Sorry if I upset you.
  12. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    No advice, just lots of caring thoughts and hugs being sent your way... SFR
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    This blows. Major.

    You'll have to excuse me, bit loopy.....pain medications are not helping my memory issues, have you requested she and you be placed on different shifts to reduce the odds of being forced to work with her?

    I'm sneaky, underhanded, and the queen of passive aggressive when I need to be. Within a week no one in the store would be talking to her or willing to work with her.

    I know you looked for ages for a job. (trust me, I feel your pain there) But is there anything thing else available elsewhere? Or could you maybe do stockwork that would keep you in the back of the store or something?
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh no way I was upset ....just was worried about you. I didn't want you to think I was dismissing you in any way. I feel a tad protective over you!
  15. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I spoke to my lawyer friend. He said this is a big enough issue to talk directly to the owner (bypass managers). Tell him that I'd rather not work the same shifts as her but don't go into detail. If the owner asks why, I'm supposed to just tell him that I can't talk about the details but that it just needs to be. He said he's worked with this owner on some other issues and that he's very understanding.

    Now, just to work up the courage to do it. Just talking to my lawyer friend has lessened the anxiety somewhat. It feels like I have a plan but don't have the courage to do it yet. There are just too many possible outcomes that are scaring me. The fact that the owner has worked with him on similar (not as big) issues before has given me some hope. Personally, I'd MUCH rather destroy any hope of her EVER working ANYWHERE in this town (so she'd move and never come back) but I can't have it coming back to bite me in any way.

    Thank you all for your support. Just one more reason I LOVE this place. You guys are awesome!!!!
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good job in getting all the facts. Tedo, could your lawyer friend do the talking to the owner for you since they know each other, keeping you one step removed? And he could make the discussion really objective. Is that a possibility?
  17. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    It isn't because really because he's now a lawyer in an elected position which he wasn't when they worked with each other before. He said it's a matter of ethics of an elected official ..... crossing some kind of "boundary". I'll do it, I just have to work up the courage. I don't work again until Monday so I'm hoping I can do it by then.
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sending you lots of courage .....call any time!